I know, I know, I haven't updated this in forever… just don't hurt me! I actually have two very good chappies coming up (counting this one) so I can't say that I had writers block. I guess I've just been more involved in my other stories lately. Anywho, thanks to JackieG for this chapter idea. You rock! gives JackieG cookie See what happens when ya'll are nice and creative and give me ideas!
Ch 5: Episode 5: Booty Call
Jerry Springer music in background.
Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Announcer: And now, amazingly in its 3847th season… 13th season, the worst show in the history of television---- JERRY SPRINGER!
Crowd: WHOOOO!
Jerry Springer: Wow, we've been here for a while! 3, 847 seasons later….. I mean 13 seasons later, and I'm still livin'. Our topic today is mistresses. That's right, I'm talkin' about booty calls!
Crowd: Mixture of gasps and hoots.
Jerry Springer: Our first guest is extremely happy in his relationship with his fiancée. But what will his fiancée think of his secrets? Let's bring him out, here's Remus Lupin!
Crowd: BOOOO! (woot woot!)
Remus enters the stage and walks calmly to his seat.
Jerry: Hello, Remus. How are you doing today?
Remus: Could be better.
Jerry: I can understand that. So tell us your story.
Remus: Well, I really love my fiancée. She's just perfect. But, sometimes she just can't cut it, you know, in the bed. Well, one day I was at this party and my girl was out of town. I met this other chick and she was all over me. For the first time ever, I was getting more attention from a girl than my two best friends. And this lady is Hott! And I just couldn't help myself. I got as horny as a bull on Labor Day. And the next thing I know I'm shoving this girl onto a bed. But if it means keeping my fiancée, I'll dump the other one.
Jerry: That's very interesting. How long has this been going on for?
Remus: About seven months.
Jerry: I see. Are you ready to bring out your fiancée?
Remus nods head sadly.
Jerry: Here she is: Nym… (to producer: how do you pronounce this?--- Oh, I see…) Nymphadora Tonks!
Crowd: WHOOO!
Tonks storms out looking very annoyed.
Jerry: Hello Nym-
Tonks: Please don't try to say that horrible name again; it's Tonks.
Jerry: (looking quite relieved) Oh, hello Tonks!
Tonks: Hello! I just want to say what an honor it is to be on your show.
Jerry: Oh, anytime. Do you have any idea what you're here for today?
Tonks: Well, not specifically, but I know it's not good.
Jerry: It's not. Remus, do you have anything to tell Tonks?
Remus: Well, babe, first I just want to let you know that I love you with all my heart, and no matter what happens, I still want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Crowd: Awww….
Tonks looks suspicious.
Remus: But I can't keep living with all these secrets. I'm here to tell you that for the past seven months, I've had a mistress.
Crowd: Mixture of gasps and hoots.
Tonks: (extremely large gasp) How could you! (slaps Remus)
Remus: I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! (begins to grovel)
Tonks: You BEEP! Who's the BEEP that did this to me! Tell me now!
Remus continues to grovel.
Tonks: (kicks Remus in particularly painful spot) Who the BEEP is it!
Remus: (whispers) Rita Skeeter.
Rita Skeeter walks out to many boos from the crowd.
Tonks: You BEEP!
Rita: It's not my fault that I'm beautiful!
Tonks: If you're beautiful than I'm stupid.
Rita: Way to prove a point.
Tonks: You stole my man!
Rita: It's not stealing if he goes willingly!
Tonks tackles Rita and punches her continuously.
Rita: AAARRRGGGHHHH!
Tonks: Take that, BEEP. (walks off stage)
Remus runs after Tonks.
Rita: (Bleeding profusely, stands up and fixes hair.) Jerry, do you think maybe I can get your opinion on the recent dropped ratings of your show? (pulls out quill)
Commercial Break
Jerry: That was pretty interesting! Let's see if our next guest can come up to par. Here she is, Hermione Granger!
Crowd: BOOO! (woot woot!)
Jerry: Welcome, Hermione. I believe we last saw you as Missy Granger?
Hermione: That's correct.
Jerry: Good to see you again. Why are you here?
Hermione: I'm dating Ronald Weasley, AKA- Lil' Ronnie, but he has no idea that I've been cheating on him.
Jerry: Do you enjoy cheating on him?
Hermione: More than I expected.
Jerry: Are you ready to tell him this?
Hermione: Yes.
Jerry: Come on out, Ron.
Crowd: WHOOO! SING!
Ron sits down beside Hermione.
Jerry: How are you doing today, Ron?
Ron: Good, I guess.
Jerry: Before we begin, let me just say that I am a huge fan of you two.
Ron: (smiles) Thanks!
Jerry: Alright, Hermione, tell him what you need to.
Hermione: I know that we've been dating for a while, and I like you, but I've been cheating on you.
Crowd: Gasps.
Ron looks at her unbelievingly.
Hermione: For a while.
Ron: How long?
Hermione: Technically, since before we started going out, so I guess really I've been cheating on them.
Ron: (getting quite angry) Them!
Hermione: (shrugs shoulders) The teachers of course.
Crowd: Mixture of gasps and hoots.
Ron stares at her unbelievingly.
Hermione: Well, mostly Flitwick, but I've had a run with Binns and a few others before.
Ron continues to stare at her unbelievingly.
Hermione: You didn't actually believe I was that smart, did you? How do you think I've been getting all these high grades?
Ron:….. That is so bloody hot! (wraps Hermione up in his arms and kisses her)
Flitwick walks out looking flustered.
Crowd: Whispers confusedly.
Flitwick: Now, say here, I didn't apparate here for nothing; I want to be on this show! And what's this about you just using me for grades, Hermione? You said you loved me!
Hermione ignores Flitwick and continues kissing Ron.
Flitwick: And what about Binns? Hermione? Hermione!
Commercial Break
Jerry: That certainly was different! Definitely not what I expected. Let's go ahead and bring out our next guest, shall we? Here he is, Neville Longbottom!
Crowd: BOOO! (woot woot!)
Neville walks out and takes seat.
Jerry: Welcome to Jerry Springer, Neville!
Neville: Thanks for having me.
Jerry: Anytime. Tell us what you're here for Neville.
Neville: The same thing everyone else is here for. I want to tell my girlfriend that I have a booty call.
Jerry looks at Neville suspiciously.
Neville: What?
Jerry: It's just... well you don't really look like the kind of person that would have a booty call, Neville.
Neville: My girlfriend just wasn't cutting it!
Jerry: Right Neville.
Neville: I swear!
Jerry: Well, Neville, if you say so, I guess I'll believe you.
Neville: Thank you!
Jerry: Sure, Neville.
Neville: (looks annoyed) Do you really have to say my name in every sentence?
Jerry: Not really, Neville. I just like saying Neville.
Neville: (looks confused) Alright.
Jerry: Are you ready to bring out your girlfriend then?
Neville: (looks nervous) I guess.
Jerry: Here she is, Lavender Brown!
Crowd: WHOOO!
Lavender sits down beside Neville.
Jerry: Welcome, Lavender!
Lavender nods head.
Jerry: I can see you're nervous. Maybe we should go ahead and get this over with?
Lavender nods head again.
Neville: Umm… well… you see… I kind of have a booty call.
Lavender: A what!
Neville: You know, kind of like a mistress—
Lavender: I know what a booty call is! You are such a whore! Who is it?
Neville: Parvati Patil.
Parvati enters stage dressed in tight leather and accompanied by a whip and hand cuffs.
Lavender: I thought we were friends!
Parvati: It was obvious you weren't taking care of your boyfriend's sexual talents, so I did.
Lavender: You hoe!
Parvati: I prefer hussy, to tell you the truth. And don't feel bad, honey. Your boyfriend isn't the only one that's felt the wrath of my whip.
Lavender and Neville stare at her in astonishment.
Parvati: That's right, I'm a sex goddess! (beats chest like an ape)
Crowd: WHOOO!
Neville: Lavender, I'm sorry! Please forgive me!
Lavender: Do you know how many sexually transmitted diseases you probably have? No way!
Parvati: I'm completely clean, thank you very much!
Lavender: Eww! I'm sure you aren't! And I bet you're horrible in bed!
Parvati: You are so wrong! I am The Sex Goddess!
Lavender: You are pretty hot in that leather.
Parvati: Thanks.
Lavender: Anytime. You wouldn't happen to be a gay hussy, would you?
Parvati: I go both ways.
Lavender: Cool. Wanna make out?
Parvati: I'll do what ever you want! (winks)
Neville: Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to be getting all the action!
Lavender and Parvati begin making out.
Neville: How about a three-some?
Jerry: Did we get that on film? That should increase our viewings by at least 10!
Commercial Break
Jerry: Now it's time for our audience responses! How about those two, in the back.
Sirius and James stand up.
Sirius: Well done Moony!
James: We just want to say sorry to Remus.
Sirius: Sorry, what for? He's getting more ass than us!
James: Because he feels excluded.
Sirius: To tell you the truth I'm feeling a little excluded from all the action!
James: Anyways, we're sorry Remus.
Sirius: Good job is more like it!
Remus: Thanks you guys! I appreciate it!
Jerry: And how about that woman right there.
Random Woman: I'm a better booty call than all those women up there! (flashes cameras)
Steve gives random woman beads.
Jerry: Thank you! Now let's hear from that man on the third row. Yeah, him.
Random Man: I was wondering if maybe the hussy could give me some. (waves money)
Parvati shrugs shoulder and starts making out with Random Man.
Jerry: Umm… Should we interrupt?... Well lets go to the next person while we wait! How about him?
Random Man Number 2: (in country accent) I have come here to exorcise this building and all within it. The evil spirits are apparent in all of you!
Jerry: No thank you, we are perfectly non-evil.
Random Man Number 2: (holds up Bible) It is not the will of the Bible! You are all cursed! (jumps on Jerry and begins sprinkling him with Holy Water while singing the Itsy-Bitsy-Spider)
Steve removes Random Man Number 2 and shoves him out the door.
Jerry: (pats hair self consciously) Well, I guess the lesson of today's show is to never make a Christian person angry! Oh, and booty calls are bad. Most of the time. See you tomorrow!
I took a bit of a chance with some of the things in this chapter, so I hope you liked it! Please let me know! Yes, that is code from please review!
