Disclaimer: Still don't own anything…
Actual HappeningsDiary Writing
Well this is the last time I'll be writing as an innocent person. The next time I write I'll be a death eater. Throughout the month of December Professor Snape taught me as much as he can about spying and what to expect. Have to say that I have developed a respect for him. It's insane what he does; what I'll do.
They both, Professor Snape and Dumbledore, tell me that becoming a death eater over break isn't going to change what I am. They say it's not by choice and therefore it does not make me evil or whatnot. It's awfully nice of them to tell me that but I'm not some naïve little child. It is my choice to do this. It does change me. If I were truly righteous then I'd do anything to avoid it wouldn't I? Even die? But I feel as if I owe them something. This will be my payment for a debt I'm not quite sure how came to be.
It's a good thing I'm such a good student or else I'd be perpetually screwed right now. There was so much I was forced to learn over the past month and a bit. Some things I learnt I wish I never came to know. But it's too late now.
The first thing I learnt was probably one of the most important. Occlumency - the art of how to protect ones thoughts from someone skilled in Legilimency; someone like the Dark Lord. I mastered this quickly. Professor Snape says it's because I practiced a lot. I think it's because it was mostly stuff I already did. I asked if I could learn Legilimency and he told me I didn't need to know it yet. It hasn't been brought up again but it's something I'm going to remain hopeful about. I'd love to know what any given person was really thinking.
Then I had to learn basic spying techniques. Also, stuff I already knew. Stuff like sneaking around, lying, and manipulation. Fun, fun, eh? I was also told what to expect. At the initiation the Dark Lord will try to scare us, the DE's to be. He will try to intimidate us and then the ones who aren't killed will be marked.
The marking was going to hurt but it is crucial not to show any weakness at any time. Ever. I must not wince, flinch, whine, whimper, scream, or cry. The ones who are the worst at hiding their pain will be killed. The ones who are best at hiding their pain will live and the best of all will be 'in'.
After the marking he will call all of the living new DE's forward one by one. We will be questioned ruthlessly. You must answer correctly to every single question. Do not mess up. Lie, but don't get caught. Suck up, but make it look like you're not. During the questioning he will use Legilimency to verify your answers and search your head for anything he might find interesting. Show him what he wants to see, not what is true. If he gives a slight half smile, cocks his head to the side, and then nods you know you are 'in'. I need to be the one who is 'in'. That is my first goal. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm scared as hell.
All of this is an unknown and I hate not knowing. I will have to be on the ball and work well under the harshest pressure. Or I will die. This isn't a game. When you die you don't get up again. It's over. Kaput. Finished. Done. The End. Dead.
I look at Professor Snape and I now know why he is so cold, so distant, and so, so alone. And then I take in the fact that that is who I am to become. I think I always kind of knew I'd be alone for all time. But then again I'm becoming a death eater. I deserve to be alone. I deserve death.
No, I deserve to live through this. I don't deserve death's release. I know when you die you go to a better place. Because this, this is Hell. We are living in Hell. That's what I think anyway. We live in Hell and I am about to sign a contract with Satan himself.
Earlier tonight I had my last 'lesson' with Professor Snape. The next time I see him will be in the devil's lair. Our lesson tonight wasn't very eventful. I walked in and sat down across from him as I always do. After that he just sits there unmoving. Then he looks me in the eye and says something I wasn't expecting. "Run. Run," he tells me, " and don't look back."
To this I smiled sadly and shook my head. "My contract is signed," I responded, "and my fate is sealed." Then silence overtook us again lying heavily on our shoulders.
"You are resigned to your choice then?" he asked after a small eternity.
I nodded, "I am."
"Then may whatever high power there is' luck be with you," he said with an acquiescent look that mirrored my own.
"Thank you, sir," I replied politely. He then waved his hand in dismissal and I rose and left.
Thinking back over that now I find the whole of it highly disturbing. If even Professor Snape is advising me to flee then it truly is as bad as I fear isn't it?
How can it be that bad? How can anything be that bad?
Guess I'm going to find out.
A/n: Thanks to slyswn28 and goodybad. Hope you all enjoy this chapter.
