Disclaimer; Anything OC related or recognisable I don't own, only Lorenzo! Like I said I am only guessing the dates.
Thanks to all the reviews and comments from britgirl2003, KikiCohen, kandy4eva, CynthiaB and Brenda Osler. I really appreciated your kind words. Special thanks to britgirl2003 for helping with this chapter, rock on!
April 18th 1988
Dear diary
They say that this is supposed to be a happy day but they haven't lived my life and they don't understand why I feel the way I feel about this.
Honestly, I should be over the moon but I'm not and I'll explain why that is in a minute but I just wanna write this before I start talking or writing in circles without getting my point across.
I'm pregnant.
I have Sandy's baby growing inside me just like I did Jimmy's once a long time ago. Well, it seems like a long time ago but it was actually just a few years ago. I never recorded it in my diary in case Sandy accidentally found it or if Hailey found it and showed it to dad. If dad had have known he would've killed me. Hell, I would've killed me. But now I'm pregnant by my husband.
When I was pregnant with Jimmy's child I was 17. I was just a kid. It wasn't the first time we had sex, but it just happened. I loved him but I couldn't tell him I was pregnant. I didn't. The only person I told was mom and like always she supported me and calmed me down after I went hysterical. Mom was actually going to let me have the baby but that would involve dad knowing and then me marrying Jimmy. As much as I loved Jimmy then, I was 17 and not ready to be a mother or a wife for that matter. I couldn't marry him.
So I made my decision of what I wanted to do. Get married or abort the pregnancy? I chose the latter option that day alone in my room talking it through with Lorenzo. I told Lorenzo that I wasn't going to have the baby and that I didn't want to marry Jimmy. Just to remind you, Lorenzo is my favourite teddy bear but you should already know that.
I might as well recall the entire thing because I'm halfway there already. Well I had the abortion somewhere outside Chino but I honestly couldn't remember where it was. I told my mom that I was going to quickly visit a friend in LA because I couldn't tell her I was having an abortion. I was going to tell her that I miscarried the baby and that was exactly what I told her the next day.
I had the abortion and it was painful; physically obviously but mentally as well and I hated every minute of it. I was so glad the place didn't ask for ID because I would've been screwed but all they wanted was a name and I came up with a fake name. For the day I was Amanda Smith.
When I came home mom asked how my friend from LA was and I said "Fine" as normally as I could and made an excuse and went up to my room. I didn't cry for the baby, not one tear. I just curled up on my bed with Lorenzo and stared at absolutely nothing. The next day I told mom I miscarried and she wanted to take me to the hospital but I convinced her not to because I was too upset and that I just wanted to sleep.
Now I have Sandy's baby. Sandy's baby. My husband's child not my boyfriend's. I want to have this baby. I know this baby will make Sandy so happy and I love to see him happy. Sandy will make a wonderful father but I'm not so sure I will as a mother. I've already killed one. I meant that baby would be already 3 already or there about.
I don't know. I'm afraid that I will continually disappoint the baby and that he or she will grow up hate me because I am too much like my father I think and that is a good thing.
I can just imagine Sandy holding the baby, feeding it, playing with it, encouraging it to walk and talk and being there when he or she falls. I can't imagine myself doing any of these to be honest but I know I'm probably contradicting myself here but want to be this baby's mother; I want to give birth to it, to watch it grow up and kiss his or her cuts better. I want to fuss over the baby until it is old enough to tell me to stop and to mother him or her so much.
I'm actually excited now because I'm going to be a mother and someone is going to call me mommy or mom, it makes a change from Kirsten, Kear or the ever detested Kiki.
I can't wait to tell mom that I'm pregnant. At least this time there is certainty and I want to have the baby and I'm ready to be a mother this time and I love the father and am certain of our future. Mom will be so thrilled. Dad may be excited because at times he is a softy but with the baby he'll freak out. I really hope he'll be happy for me . . . for us and I want him to love and like the baby.
I can't wait to begin looking for the baby's tiny little clothes and I know I will go all mushy looking at baby booties because they are so adorable. I don't actually know if the baby is a boy or girl and I don't have any motherly instincts as to what the baby is. I guess I want to be surprised.
We've been married for over 3 months and we have already started our family. Me, Sandy and our baby. Our Baby. Half me, half Sandy but I wish the baby was all Sandy because Sandy is perfect and so will the baby.
I'm married and pregnant and I can't legally drink. At the wedding mom had to say that I could drink the wine and champagne but I didn't get pissed so that was ok. What a wonderful world.
I can't wait to see my child in seven months. Having a little person inside you for nine months may sound uncomfortable and rather. . . . creepy but I want to nurture the child to the best of my abilities. Seven months sounds too long but it will either be too long or too short.
I'll tell you when it's up;
Kirsten
Sorry this couldn't be fluffy anad happy. Please please review. The next chapter is Seth's birth and after that is Seth's first birthday!
