Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Sorry about my absence. I had a lot of writer's block.

The Voice of Pikachu- Pikachu's voice is actually very deep. He also speaks with a bit of an English accent. Think of a mix between Jafar and Dr. Evil. Pikachu also tends to put great emphasis on the word "evil." Especially with the phrase "very evil," which he says slowly.

However, when it comes to singing, he can do a perfect imitation of Michael Jackson (if the occasion calls for it). Otherwise, he's a bass.

The Link, the Annoyance Slayer web site is up, but still under construction. Check it out if you get the chance.
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LINK, THE ANNOYANCE SLAYER: THE RETURN OF EVIL – FINALE

By: Janus Kamaren

Chapter 2: Castles, Cults, and Cows


"Give them squash," Pikachu ordered Tubbie #1. He walked back into the castle, laughing evilly. Tubbie #1 looked to the Tubbies lining the battlements of the castle.
"SQUASH!" he shouted.
"SQUASH!" the captains repeated to their men. Each of the Teletubbies raised either a pumpkin, a zucchini, or a normal, every-day squash above their head. The Hyrulean forces continued their charge on the castle.
"RELEASE SQUASH!" Tubbie #1 commanded, the captains repeating his order. Each of the Teletubbies obeyed, hurling their squashes down on their enemies. Hylians, Gerudo, and cows all screamed as the vegetables rained down, colliding with their heads and torsos. Hylian archers returned fire with their powerful bows, slaying several Tubbies.
"RETURN FIRE!" Tubbie #1 ordered, the captains repeating the order, despite the fact that Tubbie #1 screamed so loud that people over in Lake Hylia could hear him.
Meanwhile, Tingle was surveying the battle. He observed the Hyruleans putting ladders up against the castle walls in a Lord of the Rings fashion and that really cool sword fights were starting to break out. He also saw Gorons that had popped into the story for no apparent reason curling up into balls and being launched by catapults.
"Tell me, O Wise One, why do we need a maiden sacrifice?" asked David Jr. He was a member of Tingle's cult, and showed his devotion by wearing an outfit much like Tingle's, except that it was white and he was wearing gray underwear on the outside as opposed to red. He simply wasn't cool enough to wear red underwear like Tingle.
"Because the Book of Cultism and Everything Like That says so," replied Tingle.
"Really?"
"No. I just want to annoy Dora. You know how she complains about how sexist maiden sacrifices are."
"Oh, okay." Tingle continued surveying the battle. That means looking at it, you dolt, not running around asking every soldier about his or her interests. Geez…
"O Wise One," David Jr. started to say.
"Silence!" Tingle punched David Jr. "Maiden at twelve o'clock!" He jumped high in the air. Apparently he didn't notice the vast amounts of Gerudo warriors.
Malon was sitting on the side of the battle, periodically running over to wounded soldiers with a bottle of milk. She would then force feed them said cow juice, miraculously healing them. Go figure. For reasons pertaining to humor, she looked up at the sun. Suddenly, the silhouette of Tingle appeared. She screamed as Tingle pounced on her and jumped back to where he was a moment before. He and David Jr. ran off into the castle with Malon, not laughing evilly because they were devoted members of the Annoyances and knew what would happen to those who laughed the Evil Laugh. Mr. Bovine managed to see this and followed them. For some reason, the Annoyances didn't take advantage of this lethal soldier's distraction. Morons.
Meanwhile, Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf had somehow entered the castle. Don't ask how. They just did. They're in it. You're not. Shut up.

The heroes were in a very large, circular room with four corridors leading into it. Purple Link was standing at the end of the corridor opposite of them, sword drawn and a confident smile on his face. Dora came in from the left, wearing black robes. Poser Tubbie #1 came from the right. Link drew his sword, and approached Purple Link. Zelda approached Dora, curved short swords ready. Ganondorf stepped toward (notice that he didn't approach) Poser Tubbie #1, gripping his large great sword. Three fights were about to begin, in case you didn't get the idea already.

Zelda's Battle

Dora grinned maliciously and fired a fireball. Zelda dodged it and jumped, performing a flying kick. A shadowy figure of Dora emerged and moved out of the way, Dora's real form sliding back into it, the two forms becoming one. Now just how cool is that? Doing the really neato shadow form trick again, she moved towards Zelda, fist extended. Because of this, Zelda got punched in the face twice. She fell to the ground, but rolled and recovered. Dora came at her again. This time, Zelda executed several rapid kicks to the shadow's face, the real Dora merging with the shadow in the midst of the attacks. Zelda ended with one final kick dead on the nose, sending the explorer flying. She smacked into the wall and hit the ground. The shadow stood up first, and then her. She muttered something in Spanglish and she and her shadow split again. Both of them summoned a small pebble and threw them at the Princess of Hyrule.
"Ouch!" Zelda shouted, rubbing her head. The Doras smiled.
"We did it! We did it!" they started to sing. Immediately, Zelda threw one of her swords at the shadow. Their infernal singing ceased, and they merged into one again. Dora gasped and looked down at the blade in her stomach. She fell to the ground, dead.
That was the end of Zelda's battle, in case you didn't notice. Cheer and wave flags. Now.

Ganondorf's Combat

"Awright, foo', I'm-a-gonna hafta bust a cap on ya, ya dig, Holmes?" Poser Tubbie #1 said. Ganondorf blinked.
"I have no clue what you just said to me," he admitted. The Tubbie sighed.
"Bust… cap… dig?"
"Dude, no. I still don't get it." The Tubbie rolled his eyes. He began to whisper.
"Look, it means that I'm going to fight you, okay?" He talked "normally" again. "You dig, Polly G. Rodney!?"
"I dig, but you lost me with the 'Polly G. Rodney.' You're really bad at this, you know that?"
"It means-" Ganondorf grabbed him by his hoody and slammed him against the wall.
"Okay, okay, my man!" Poser Tubbie #1 cried. "I get you! You don't have to hit so hard, man!" He started to cry. "Don't do this to me, man! Be a bruther!" Ganondorf sighed and knocked the pathetic creature out cold. He wasn't even worth killing.

Meanwhile, Random Gerudo was fighting outside. Suddenly, she realized that an Annoyance had been defeated in battle, but not slain. She dropped to her knees, raised her arms, and cried out, "GREAT ONE!!!" The Annoyances once again did not use this moment to their advantage.

Link's Struggle

Purple Link stood there with a pitifully dumb expression on his face.
"Let's finish this," Link said. Purple Link smiled idiotically at him. He had something behind his back.
"This time, Link," he said, "I kill you!" He revealed what deadly weapon he had. It was a copy of John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath. The living book struggled against Purple Link's firm grasp.
"Catch this, hero!" he squealed, releasing the book. It jumped up and latched onto the Hero of Time's face. Link screamed in pain as he tried to pry the book off. He could see absolutely nothing.
Link… he heard a deep, dark voice say. Link… there is no sin or virtue, only things people do, and some things ain't so nice.
Don't listen, don't listen, he thought.
Socialism is the way to go, Hero of Time. It will bridge the gap between rich and poor by making everybody poor.
No…
We should sympathize with those who believe that the best response to a bank evicting you due to severe economic troubles is by shooting the head of that bank. Attacking people with an axe in one hand and a chicken in the other is very heroic, Link.
NO! he screamed mentally. I know what you are! I know that it's you speaking to me, Steinbeck! All you did was take a terrible part of history that I really shouldn't know about since I live in a completely different world and used it to preach socialism! That's all you did! You also used different pages to fulfill your boyish fantasies! Take a cold shower! It's an ancient Gerudo remedy, and it always works!
De…… uh….. $##$…
The book fell from Link's face, finally defeated. Link picked up the Master Sword (Purple Link was making shadow puppets on the wall), looked at The Grapes of Wrath, shouted, and ran the sacred blade through the pages. The book was suddenly caught in a holy flame, and soon burned to ashes. Purple Link looked back up. He blinked a few times, Link glaring at him. Purple Link started throwing several horrible books at him, things like The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros, Steinbeck's The Pearl, and Jack London's The Call of the Wild. The Hero of Time sliced each of these in half while they were in midair, each of them catching fire. Purple Link cringed as Link swung his blade at his stomach. The blade cut straight through, white light shining out through the open wound. Purple Link cried out in pain and exploded into more of the white light. Why just light? Because it's cool…


Meanwhile, Tingle and his cult (consisting of himself, David Jr., and the pink spandex with red underwear-clad Ankle) had Malon tied up and were about to perform their sacrificial ceremony. Suddenly, Mr. Bovine kicked down the door, gun ready, glaring more angrily than usual. Tingle glanced at him.
"Hey- who's the cow?" he asked.
"Are you talking to me?" Mr. Bovine responded quietly, yet furiously.
"Oh, no, you called him a cow," Malon said.
"Are you talking to me!?"
"You shouldn't have done that."
"Are you talking to me!?"
"Now you're in for it."
"They call me Mr. Bovine!" he shouted, unloading machine gun fire on Tingle and his men, screaming.
Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf were running up a tower.
"Hold it right there!" a voice shouted as they stepped into one of the rooms. Don Pooh jumped in front of them.
"You'll have to go through me!" he said. He shouted, ripping off his shirt, revealing bulging muscles. Ganondorf glared at him.
"I'll take him. You two keep going!" he ordered. The Gerudo King ripped off his shirt/breastplate/whatever, revealing bulging muscles, shouting. Zelda and Link's eyes grew as wide as dinner plates. After the simile, they immediately continued their ascent up the stairs.
"Greetings, Master Bovine," a pacifist said to Mr. Bovine. He and Malon stopped, eyeing this new foe. The pacifist continued.
"Why do you fight?" he asked.
"For our freedom, despite the fact that we live in a monarchy and our freedom depends on what kind of guy is put into power," Malon responded.
"Ah, but you have no honor in you, defending your country and people by fighting. You see, pacifism would work, if everyone tried it."
"Hey, buddy, ever heard of World War II?" Mr. Bovine was from Paragon City, a futuristic Earth city, and knew his history. Smart bull. "Hitler wasn't going to give pacifism a shot."
"Ah, but you should have thought of people other than yourselves. Why kill when you can be put into bondage and perform a lifetime of service? There is great joy in bringing to pass the dreams of others." A shotgun blast was heard, and the pacifist was no more.
"Uh-huh. Yeah. Yep. Yes, that car's mine. Red Mustang. Uh-huh. Good." Pikachu hung up the phone, his business complete. He heard footsteps. He turned around to see Link, Hero of Time, and Zelda, Princess of Hyrule.
"Hey, wait," the Supreme Dictator of the Annoyances said, "there's two of you."
"Exactly," Link responded.
"That's not fair." Pikachu suddenly whipped out a kazoo and played Zelda's Lullaby. Zelda's eyes fluttered shut. Link caught her as she fell fast asleep. He slowly and gently set her on the ground.
"That was cheap, Pikachu," he said angrily.
"Yes, but it was very evil." The two opponents glared at each other, prepared for combat.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Author's Notes-

I seriously hate The Grapes of Wrath. It really does take a terrible part of American history and use it to preach socialism. I really hated the messages it was sending. But, if that's your thing, then be my guest.

I'm not spitting on the memory of those who lived during that time period. My grandfather was in the Dust Bowl itself.

Obviously, Lion King was ripped off in the Tingle/Malon/Bovine scene. Paragon City is a city in the game City of Heroes. Let's say "city" even more! Citycitycitycitycitycitycity…

The pacifist is an exaggeration of someone I saw on a message board on

The Link, the Annoyance Slayer web site is up, but still under construction. Check it out if you get the chance.
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Remove the spaces. No w w w.

Finally, can I get some more reviews for The Legend Begins? Thanks.

-Janus Kamaren