Disclaimer: As chapter one; so please, for the love of God, do not make me keep writing it out people!
WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND SOME SEXUAL REFERENCES (though not too graphic) SO READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
All reviews, and constructive criticism, gratefully received – but no flaming please; and I will try to update regularly.
'Thoughts'
"Speech"
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Bethan & Lucan
Chapter Thirteen – Lock In
"What? Why?" was all he could mumble.
"Because Darry needs you more than me; you are her father, she needs you too." she began sadly.
"I do not want her" He stared at the ground.
"What! Why not! She is so like her mother….so like Ysabeau." her voice hitched.
"THAT IS WHY!" he shouted, the anguish in his eyes.
She stopped, knowing that all their brother knights would be outside listening. Galahad especially; when she had turned to take Gawain back to the room he had squeezed her shoulder, and walked alongside her as she towed Gawain behind "he loves you Little Scout, so much" he whispered "have a care for his broken heart; he misses her greatly, he would surely die if you turned on him too."
"I love him too" she nodded "and I only want to see him well Gal." she turned to look at the youngest knight levelly; her eyes were dead, and her face as passive as always – her voice flat with, almost, acceptance "If he dies of a broken heart Gawain, I will die too. I feel his soul pulling mine…..his heart is breaking mine along with his own." Then they had entered the room, shutting the door behind them; Galahad felt a chill steal over his heart.
Tristan and Arthur saw the stricken look on his face and the way all colour left it. "What is it?" asked Arthur concerned.
He told the two men what Bethan had said. "Will that happen - could it?" Arthur asked Tristan concerned.
"Aye, it could. She did 'the tie that binds', but aside from that we all know how deep their friendship runs; these past days have proved it" He sighed "it goes deeper than heart or blood tie; it is a soul tie, it was even before she did the charm."
"Her father speaks true" Merlin walked up. "Have you all been blind to what was occurring? Have you not seen how heavily he has leant upon her, and not just physically? His heart is broken and his soul cries out for peace……their tie is so deep that her soul has answered.
But do not blame the charm Arthur, their tie together was caste long before she did that, she merely tied it tighter; he has always been there for her – full as much as her father.
If she could not find Tristan, she would always run to Gawain; and then over time she would run to him first" Tristan and the other knights all nodded thinking back over the years "And now Gawain has reached out to her."
The others once again thought about it; it was true - despite the 15 years that separated their ages, one was always with the other; how often had they asked him where she might be? Or gone to find Bethan to see if she knew where Gawain had gone?
Was it not his own personal nickname for her, Little Scout, which they had all adopted over the years? Had he not treated her like an equal from the day they met, as had her father? They leant on each other a lot for support. None had truly noticed until now, but the friendship that had been forged long ago was now deep and true.
"Tristan and Gawain were the only two who loved her truly at her worst as well as her best - think on that. He loves her just as she is, whether wild and free or sad and alone; her heart and soul recognises that. They are much alike; accepting, and at the same time fighting, all that life throws at them. They are as stubborn as each other, and as passionate about those they care about; that is how their friendship deepened so much.
Their friendship is of the ages, it was meant to be; it was what Destiny decreed…..it will never falter, never be broken and not even death will ever separate one from the other. If he were to perish, she would soon follow." He sighed "This must work, it must……I cannot speak of the consequences if it does not." He sighed at the stunned faces around him.
"She has finally listened to the elements and knows this is her last chance; she will fight for both their souls - if she is unsuccessful……" his voice tailed away and he left with his head down.
Arthur looked at his old friend, for Merlin was that to him now, with his heart in his mouth; horror struck at what had been implied. Lucan stood open-mouthed and stricken and Tristan was clenching and unclenching his fists but said nothing. For what could be said? Bethan had a battle on her hands now, and none present were sure this new Bethan would have the fight in her….
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In the room Bethan watched a stubborn Gawain studiously ignore his wailing baby daughter. She sighed and sat down to feed both children, then she changed them and readied them for bed.
She sat down beside them and sighed again. Gawain, sat on the other side of the bed, glancing at her with hunted eyes; her heart went out to him….
A voice called her from outside "Befan? It is Milo, we are all here - tell us what to dream?" She imagined all the knights children, including Bors', outside the door. She smiled ruefully; the nightly ritual remained, even as all else fell to dust.
She crept closer to the door taking the babies with her, thankful the wooden doors here were not as thick as those at the wall; especially as the window was barred.
"What do we always dream about little one? A wide open plain and us riding as fast as our horses will gallop across it; the sun on our backs, blue sky above us and the wind in our face, the freedom that comes with being able to run as far and as fast as you wish with no one to hinder you.
The solitude of a quiet wood with no disturbance save your own thoughts and the call of a bird; the excitement of a thunderstorm, where the thunder calls your name and writes your dreams in the lightening.
That is what we dream about Milo…what we always should dream about….freedom."
She reached up and patted the babies clinging to her; her shirt bunched in their little hands as they slept nestled against her chest. "And to know that we are lucky enough to have family and my knights – my friends - especially, who would care if we died tonight. You fill my soul with pride and my heart with love Milo….because of you, and the others here I care about more than my own life, I have not lost all faith in mankind.…" Her voice finished on a whispered sob, tears slipped down her cheek as she stared across at Gawain…..
Milo and the others did not hear the final part. But they did not need to - at the end of the day, they knew the words by heart.
"Goodnight Befan! We love you….we all love you…. Goodnight Gawain….we hope you fare better soon!" her brother's young voice called out.
Gawain was sat in the far corner of the room on the bed, his deep green eyes watching her through the darkness. He could see he was killing her as much as himself; see that the life was being sucked from her just as it was from him.
He tipped his head back and banged it against the wall. What was he doing? He put his arms out and she went to him, babes still cradled against her.
She snuggled against him; he wrapped his arms around the three leaning into him and kissed her hair. "I am sorry…I am sorry I am doing this to you…" he nuzzled her cheek.
She patted his arm "It is alright Gawain….you are my dearest and most closest friend; nay - more than that now, you go beyond heart tie or blood tie. My soul is tied to yours for all eternity, I will let naught harm befall you; wherever you go, I will follow – even unto death." His arms tightened around them.
"I would not ask that…." He whispered fresh tears in his voice.
"You would not need to….for I would follow you regardless."
He leant his head on hers; he realised that he did not deserve this love and devotion – but by the Gods he would not let it loose now; his arms instinctively held onto the three within them possessively.
She sighed and looked down with a smile. He was hugging Darry along with her and Tris. It was not much, but it was a start; this she could work with.
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During the night those who had remained outside, Galahad, Tristan, San and Lucan, awoke with a start at the screams from the room. Then they heard Bethan's tired and resigned voice "It is alright – it is only a nightmare. He has these often, I will manage."
They settled again, only the Gods knew what she had had to put up with these many past days; all had only been too glad for the young girl to cope with the grief stricken knight, as she had been the only one able to pacify him. They now felt a deep guilt for their neglect; only Tristan and Galahad knew that any attempt to intervene would have been wasted, she would not have abandoned her friend….
Inside the room, Bethan had laid the children on the bed next to a struggling Gawain so she could restrain him. Darry picked up on her father's anguish and began to wail.
"Hush, Gawain, hush - you are distressing your daughter." She tried to calm him.
He suddenly crushed her to him"the blood, Bethan, so much blood!"
"I know, I know…" she soothed, stroking his back with her hands as he held her tightly. She was well used to this now; but still it distressed her greatly, to see this once great knight reduced to clinging to a mere slip of a girl such as her for comfort.
She told him as much; deciding the time for watching and waiting had passed, he needed to talk of his sorrow if he was to heal at all.
She toted both the babes in her arms again and Darry settled. He held out his arms and she settled into them once more.
"You are no girl Little Scout, you are a young woman and a mother; my best friend, who I would rather spend an eternity in Hades for than ever be without." He tightened his grip on her.
"You saved me from ending my own life many times these past days; you have kept me this side of insanity and death. No 'slip of a girl' could do that."
"But I tire Gawain, these children need two parents; Darry needs her father as well as her mother. I am heart glad to be a mother to her, for she is the bonniest baby I have ever seen next to my own boy - but I can no longer do it alone; not and offer comfort to you also." He felt her shoulders sag.
"Mayhap I could help with Tris?" he spoke quietly; but he spoke, and it was not of his grief or loss for once.
"Nay, nay my sweet friend - Tris has his father; nay it is Darry alone of which I speak." She smiled in the darkness. Underneath all that grief and horror the heart of the old Gawain still beat - he was still trying to find the best way out…
"Nay…I cannot, I am sorry Little Scout." He sighed "I do worry for you though…." his voice trailed off.
She sat and thought for a moment - an idea occurred to her. But it would be too cruel; she could not do it – could she?
It was a lie, she was not sick….or was it a lie? Nay, she knew her own body – could slowly feel the life being drained from her. She would do it, he would understand and one day forgive her; even if he did not it was the only way, she only hoped the others would go along with it….
After another moment's thought she knew two who would - suddenly the old Bethan started to pull her soul back, and with it she would drag Gawain's….
"Gawain? I feel ill…..really ill, Gawain…." She made her voice sound weak and feeble; it was not hard, she had hardly slept or ate properly for many days.
"What!" Immediately he was sitting up staring at her, concern and worry in his face.
Her heart lurched, what monster was she to worry him so…..and now? But her resolve returned as she saw him deliberately hurry to lay Darry away from him but then gently cradle Tris to the bed.
"Fetch Galahad and my father, please Gawain - you know I would not break a lock in."
Seconds later he was banging almost hysterically on the door. "She is sick, Bethan is sick! Galahad, Tristan…..she wants you!"
The door was rapidly unbarred and the two flew in……hotly pursued by Lucan. "Please Gawain, can you fetch Merlin." Bethan whispered.
As soon as he had gone she drew the other three to her, as well as her mother who had entered "I am not sick….well, not any sicker than I was when I came in.
But it has occurred to me that he needs to focus on another. I will continue the lock in, but differently. I will feed the children, but feign illness for aught else. He will be forced to deal with them. I want you to spread the word that no one, and I mean no one, is to aid him with them in any way.
I…I feel badly treating him so but I can see no other way, if there was I would not do this; it will cause him more worry, more distress."
She touched Lucan's arm "I know it will be hard to let another tend your best boy; especially when you are such a good father but it will be for the best in the end, as I fear if we do not act decisively soon we will both perish and leave two children in want of parents; one an orphan and the other motherless." She sighed.
"You do what is needed, so long as you live I care not" Lucan whispered fervently.
"My husband, how I love you…" she smiled stroking his cheek. So long as he got her back he cared naught how.
Moments later Gawain came back with Merlin; Tristan ushered Gawain back a little so that Bethan could talk unheard by the now clearly panic-stricken knight. He could see the distress the man was in and understood why Bethan felt so guilty; but he agreed with her, this was the only way.
In hushed tones Bethan told the old Shaman her plan. "Is it wrong?" she queried, knowing he would tell her true.
"Nay, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind my child." He smiled.
"I worry he will hate me when he learns the truth; and I would not continue to lie to him. I could not; when he is himself again I will confess all. But what if hates me for my deception?"
"Would it dissuade you from your path if he did?"
"Nay, for I must do what is best for him and Darry. But I would not wish him to hate me…..he is much to me." Frightened eyes regarded her blood kin.
"Then let me reassure you; he could no more hate you than he could stop the sun from rising on the morrow. Your souls are tied Bethan, long before you did 'the tie that binds'; your friendship and trust runs deeper than anything else. You have shared much over the years, secrets too methinks; you saved his life on the battlefield even at risk of your own. He has done the same for you in the past has he not?"
She nodded.
"I cannot say he will not be angry at first; but once his blood has cooled he will see the logic and the necessity of what you have done, and will swiftly forgive you. He can do naught else - he can refuse you naught Bethan; to refuse you is to refuse his own soul."
"Thank you Merlin, it would have broken my heart to have him hate me; though I would not be dissuaded - but you must ensure that the plan is followed. If anyone relents, then it is all for naught."
"I will speak to Arthur and we will have a meeting; do not fret my little wise one, all will be well...….for I see the old Bethan fighting to reassert herself and it helps ease my heavy heart." He smiled, and left.
Outside he raised his head "So my Goddess it seems you were right to choose her. She will follow your path as resolutely as her mother; they make me proud to call them blood."
Bethan nodded and the others filed out closing the door, Gawain did not hear the barrier being put back and knew the lock in was over, he went to Bethan and crushed her to him "What is it? What is wrong? What did he say? Do not tell me I am to lose you too, for I could not bear that Bethan."
She could tell how agitated he was by the mere fact he was using her name. "Nay I am merely over stretched and over done….Merlin thinks I should recover with rest, though naught is certain." She sighed "I am so tired Gawain, but the babes need changing again" she looked pointedly at the two little bundles; her breath caught…they were holding hands! She knew it was merely a thing babe's did, but it was still the most adorable thing she had ever seen.
She sneaked a glance at Gawain and saw he was smiling too. "They are so cute are they not?" she asked conversationally.
"Aye, they are…"
"So…would you?"
"I know not how to; you have done all that until now….I will fetch…"
"They will all be abed now…please Gawain…" she cut in and gave her most desperate doe-eyed look.
"Alright, alright!" he sighed "I can refuse you naught….though the Gods only know what will happen…"
He deftly handled Tris, but was terrible at changing the napkin. "Ye GODS! What is that! Did that actually come from him? I mean, it is only breast milk and a little solid food you are feeding him, and not the fire of Hades too! The smell….how do….you…stand…the smell?" he asked, desperately trying not to breathe.
She was equally desperately trying not to laugh, and the exertion was causing tears to squeeze between her eyes….oh, she would tease him mercilessly about this one day!
He saw the tears "please do not cry Little Scout, all will be well." She turned the laugh that burst forth into a weak cough "Are you ailing more?" he asked immediately, worry creasing his brow.
"Nay, nay…now Darry…." She prodded for him to continue.
He dealt with his daughter. At first her heart sank as he barely made eye contact, only stripping her of her clothes and then the napkin….with the same exclamations of horror "It is GREEN! How in the name of Hades can it be green AND smell worse than his!" he pointed to Tris. Bethan merely buried the smirk she felt; it was working - he had not been this animated about anything since Ysabeau had died; she got up and opened the window before they all died of the smell….
But then, as he tried to sort a clean napkin out, Darry's little hand grabbed one of his fingers. It caught his attention "What?" not realising, he spoke to the little girl before him "What is it you want of me!" He spoke a little harshly perhaps……but he spoke.
All of a sudden she let out a little squeal and tugged his finger harder, almost grinning at him. There was a stillness about him, his eyes softened and Bethan could see tears pricking at them "You are the image of your mother Daralis…." He sighed quietly.
He quickly sorted her into a napkin and redressed her. But instead of immediately handing her to Bethan as he would normally after she had hold of Tris, he once again regarded the little girl. Dark green eyes regarded dark green eyes…..
"She has my eyes!" he exclaimed "she does, Bethan, she does!"
"Of course she does you oaf, there has to be some of you in there too – you are her father!" Bethan smiled.
He snuggled onto the bed with Tris and Bethan, only this time he was the one gingerly holding Darry, muttering "She has my eyes…she does…she has my eyes."
A quick glance at Bethan proved she too would recover, colour was returning to her cheeks and her eyes were regaining their fire – he sighed, for once not in sadness but in a strange contentment.
He slipped his arm round Bethan's shoulder and pulled her tightly against him. "How are you?"
"I will recover…."
"Tomorrow?" he asked hopefully; she sighed, they were not out of the woods yet. If he could he would pass the child off. It would need a few days to form the bond between them.
"Nay, not that soon….in a few days mayhap. Do not fret so Gawain…I will recover soon."
He slid further down the bed, and nuzzled his face in her hair "You are a good friend Bethan, I would not be here without you."
"Gawain I would not be here either if you died." She sighed "Do you not understand? If you died, so would I. My soul is tied to yours my dearest friend; we share a friendship that goes beyond the here and now….we will be together for eternity.
But there is a negative to a bond of that strength….if you die, so do I. If you are hurting in your heart" she touched his chest "then so do I…"
He took the children and laid them on one side of the bed, then he took her in his arms and hugged her so tightly she could not breathe "Gawain are you trying to finish me off completely?" she grinned at him, but hugged him back as tightly.
"I will never forsake you Little Scout….never. I will try to be a better man; I will try to live without my Ysabeau." He murmured into her hair.
"You are living Gawain, reluctantly mayhap but you are. Only you need to be there for Darry. That is what I yearn for, for you to love her as much as Lucan does Tris…..as much as I know Ysabeau would want you to." She was looking up at him and he saw so much love in her face.
"I do not deserve your friendship Bethan, I truly do not - but I thank the Gods for it…" They snuggled with the children. It would be a long road, but they would make it; together they would make it. A bond had now been sealed between these two souls that nothing would tear asunder…..a bond that they would need in the future.
