Disclaimer: As chapter one; so please, for the love of God, do not make me keep writing it out people! I know a lot of you thought I might do the resurrection charm….but I couldn't really do it again! LOL
The poem was originally written in 1932…..but I do believe it fitted the story well.
WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND SOME SEXUAL REFERENCES (though not too graphic) SO READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
All reviews, and constructive criticism, gratefully received – but no flaming please; and I will try to update regularly.
'Thoughts'
"Speech"
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Bethan & Lucan
Chapter Seventeen – Never Leave
The knights went to move the body, but she glared at them "What are you doing?"
"We need to take him back to the fort, Little Scout" Tristan murmured as he knelt beside his broken daughter.
She nodded dumbly, but still knelt in the mud, in his blood - all the knights looked at her. That Bethan had returned, the one that had caused them fear – the one that looked as if she might die…..all had tears in their eyes.
Sandrina came to her daughter "Bethan….I….." What could she say? I am sorry your young husband of only 2 years is dead? I am sorry you feel as if your heart is breaking and being torn from your chest? I am sorry that I am fortunate enough to not know the pain you suffer my daughter? She wept for her; thick silent tears slid down her cheeks, until Tristan came and wrapped her in his arms.
"I would gladly exchange places with him…" he murmured.
"What, so I could lose my father instead!" The grief had been replaced as rage; rage against whatever had done this terrible thing to her. She grasped her father, as her mother stepped away "I would not lose you too….Lucan…" her voice hitched "Lucan would not wish it either….he knows how much you mean to me!" Tristan hugged her momentarily before she pulled away…
"Why? Why did this happen? Why did Ysabeau die…why Lucan…….WHY NOT ME?! She screamed at them.
She leapt to her feet and ran to the corpses around them, stabbing and cutting…."I curse you! I curse you for the evil you have done to me this day…may you never have a moment's peace in the next world…may your souls rot in the corpses before me! May you wander for all eternity with no rest, no peace!" She raged.
All the other knights watched in horror. Gawain walked to her "Bethan….Bethan stop this….you know not what you do." He put his arms round the struggling young woman, calming her slightly "You have powers Bethan, you are condemning these people….please…..Lucan would not wish it…"
"But Lucan is not here anymore Gawain….he is gone…..gone…..and I…I am alone without him…..he has been by my side since I was 7…you, he and Papa….you were my rocks. The anchors of my heart…..what do I do now….tell me Gawain….what do I do?" She clutched his armour then; falling to her knees in front of him but no tears fell….she would not grieve, not yet.
"You will never be alone while I live Little Scout" he whispered to her as he knelt by her side "I will never leave you…."
"He said that…he promised, promised me he would never leave! He lied to me!" She was distraught. "You too will leave me…." She mumbled.
He pulled her to him "I will not…..never." She slumped against him; her rage spent for now - grief barely controlled.
He picked her up and carried her to his horse, lifting her up and following her into the saddle they began the painful journey back to the fort.
Tristan kept looking at her; he was worried. That dead look had returned; he rode alongside Gawain "You will be the only one to help her now Gawain….just as she did you….that was what Lucan meant when he said you were the only one who could look after her now."
"I know…..but it pains me more than I can say Tristan, to see her broken so. I remember too well my Ysabeau…." His words trailed off.
Tristan reached out a hand and touched the other knight's arm "We will be with you brother…."
Bors rode forward and touched his other arm "Van and me…we will have the little 'uns for you Gawain; know you will have your work cut out for you." his own voice hitched as he nodded towards Bethan. For the Gods knew how he was fiercely fond of the girl.
Gawain nodded and smiled sadly, his arms tightening around the young woman in front of him, pulling her closer to his chest. He remembered the last time he had done this was with his Ysabeau; now a mere 18 months later both his love and Bethan's were dead…….and their lives broken…..
San went towards Bethan, but Tristan held fast her reins "leave them be, San. He is all that can help her now; this evil day goes beyond us."
They all rode on in silence. The only noise to break it was the sound of Dag's quiet sobs and Bethan's deep sighs.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
As they neared the fort, Dagonet rode up to Arthur "I will go forward and tell Ilara and the boys…" his voice caught.
Arthur nodded….what could he say? This was a dark day; the curse, why had she cursed them so terribly? These thought were going through his mind as Guinevere rode alongside.
"What is it my husband?"
"Why would she curse them so terribly Guin?"
"Because they nearly stole her one true friend, and they did steal her husband….."
"But she cursed them….it was….I mean…..the hate….I have never seen such hate…" he faltered.
"Aye, but Arthur what do you think I would do if you had fallen? What Amila would do if it were Lancelot, San if it were Tristan? What would you men folk do if it were us?"
He nodded, his eyes filled with tears. He reached out his arm and pulled her onto the saddle before him, he glanced round and saw Tristan and Lancelot had done the same. Sorrow for the young woman, but a guilty gladness it were not them or their wives.
Guinevere leaned back against him and sighed sadly "The only difference" she admitted quietly "is her curse will carry, ours would not. She is an elemental….like Merlin." She felt Arthur shudder.
"Do you think he knew?"
"Aye, I think that is why he insisted that Amila and I ride out today; though we too had a feeling we ought to."
He nodded. "I…."
They heard a scream…….Dagonet had told Ilara.
0-0-0-0-0
When they rode through the gates, Ilara rushed forward to the corpse of her son hanging over his horse. She fell to the ground sobbing.
Bethan climbed wearily down from Gawain's horse as Van came running up "He has been crying for the last half hour" indicating a weeping Tris, "and then she started too." Darry was equally inconsolable. The knights realised that that had been about the time that Lucan died….
As soon as they saw Bethan their arms reached out. She gathered them to her, despite the blood and gore covering her; they nuzzled her and Tris patted her back "mama, mama…."
"Your dada is with the angels Tris…." She took a deep breath "Dada is an angel now…"
All the children flocked round her, comforting the woman who was both like a big sister and a mother to them. The knight's children especially looked horrified at the loss one of their number had suffered; but she barely knew they were there.
Van looked at the stricken face of the young woman, and the protective way Gawain stood with her; heard what she had said to Tris. She saw the other knights, their faces blank masks.
"Nay, not…." she looked at Bors.
He nodded silently a single tear on his cheek. "Bloody little bugger went down fighting though!" he choked.
Bethan put a hand on his arm. She did not look at him, her eyes fixed on the floor. But she felt his strength, his words of pride and thanked him for it. He nodded and strode to Gilly "I love you son" he spoke gruffly, "I love all my bastards, do not you ever forget it." His son nodded and went to Bethan.
"Bethan….I…"
She shook her head at the young man…"not now brother…" she looked up at Gilly, her eyes swimming "I…..I…do not…."
Gilly had never seen Bethan cry…never…..his heart clenched and hugged her "I love you as if you were one of us bastards…" was he all he said quietly before he left.
"I ain't ever seen her cry before…" he muttered to his father.
Bors shook his head, "and you will not see it again…..the only one who will, will be him." He nodded at Gawain. "I said we would have the little 'uns for a while…."
So Van went and gently extricated the two youngsters from Bethan's grasp. The younger woman looked startled.
"I will bring them back soon….I promise. Just take a while to get your bearings eh?" Van soothed.
Tris looked at the woman, understanding she wished to help – he patted Darry's arm "nay, nay Darry…..nay, nay." he calmed the whimpering child as she was lifted out of Bethan's arms and they were carried away.
Ilara came to Bethan. The desolation and grief in those eyes, even though she still fought to keep control of her emotions, hurt the woman who was his mother all over again – but she had to ask "did you kill them all?"
"Aye…and I cursed them Ilara – I cursed them for generations to come…." She looked the other woman in the eye "I think you will understand how much I hate them…."
Ilara embraced her "I do…and I am glad you did what you did – I want them to suffer as we do now."
"I want him buried this night, as was his custom. He was no Christian like I; his pagan beliefs are that he must be buried this night…"
"Thank you Bethan, I am glad you honour his beliefs…."
"I honour him…..he deserves it…he was the light in me…..the best part of me….." Ilara nodded and was drawn away by a weeping Dagonet; his other two sons too shocked to speak. They had adored their older brother; adored him beyond words.
Bethan looked at the bundle on the horse; no more would she ride with him, no more would he drive her passion with those calloused hands of his….no more would he whisper his love in the dead of night….no more would they laugh…no more would he hold his son….no more would she tell him how much she loved him….no more….no more…..
Tristan stepped forward "we will ready him for burial…." He indicated himself and Lancelot.
She walked towards her father "I….I….." her face contorted briefly before that rigid control re-asserted itself.
He hugged her tightly "It is alright to cry Bethan…you must grieve."
"He speaks true Little Scout…" Lancelot stepped forward.
She stared at them as if they were mad "How can I grieve without my heart? It lies yonder…" she nodded at Lucan's body.
They both felt the lumps in their throats for what she meant, "I know…but you must." Tristan said.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Merlin had watched all this unfold, his heart bled. "Goddess of Destiny, let her pain end swiftly…" he muttered as he went to speak to her.
She eyed him levelly; her face passive as always now, but her eyes…..her eyes were full of pain. "You knew." It was a statement.
"Aye…I knew one of them would die. The knight or the husband….either one would cause you great pain."
"Yet you did not speak."
"I could not; you would have tried to change the outcome….and what then? Destiny's revenge would have been swift. You would have fallen also…"
"What care I for destiny's revenge!" she spat.
"Your son needs his mother, so does the girl child. Your husband would have needed you, or the knight. I knew not which was to die; but knew whoever survived would need you." He grasped her hands in his and studied her face "Do not try to raise him child. You will only hurt yourself; the pain will linger the more you hope to bring him back. You will not…close your eyes and listen to what the elements tell you…." He begged her with his eyes "it was his time…"
She did as she was bid, she loved him – despite what he had done to her, she loved this old man. She closed her eyes; the breeze picked up and swirled around her…moving the rain that was still falling. A distant rumble of thunder, a sudden flash of lightening….
She opened her eyes, if anything the grief and desolation within them was deeper and unyielding "You are right my blood….he will never again hold me …..nay….he is here no more….he is on the plain in Heaven…he has left me." She fell to her knees….. finally weeping.
The others realised the reason for her holding back her grief, she had thought to raise him….
Gawain fell to his knees beside her, holding her, rocking her….the pain in his own chest threatening to halt his breath. He knew this pain, this confusion….he knew it only too well; ye Gods, why had this happened to her, to his own beloved Little Scout?
"Taker her…" said Merlin, a catch in his own voice "Take her away from all this death." Gawain did as he was bid and scooping her into his arms he took her, still sobbing, to his room….
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
He laid her on his bed and she turned to the wall. He knew not what to do to comfort her…..a small voice spoke "Do not leave me Gawain."
"Never…" the tears sprang unbidden to his eyes. He sat on the bed and pulled her head onto his lap, stroking her hair as she cried. Deep heart-wrenching sobs; how he knew this well…this torment, this pain that threatens to eat you alive.
She did not deserve this, nor had the boy….they could have had the life he had wanted with Ysabeau. He saw them in that couple, had hoped he could watch the life unfold that he might have had….but now…but now….and it was his fault, he was too late.
She looked at him then, blue eyes bloodshot, the anger gone, the hate spent for now"It was not your fault…" she whispered, causing him to start – it was if she had read his mind "It was not your fault Gawain…."
"I feel it is…..I saw, I shouted….but he did not see…." He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms about her. Should he tell her now? Lucan would wish it "He spoke…before he died…he spoke." Her head shot up…
"He did? What…what did he say?"
"He told me to…." suddenly tears threatened the knight as he looked at her face, but he pressed on "He told me to tell you he was sorry….sorry for breaking his word, for leaving….and you were right, he was terrible at watching his back.."
She smiled then, even as the tears streamed down her face she smiled…. "A joke….even at the end, a joke…..oh my brave boy…my fine man, how I will miss you in my heart…..for it will whither now without you…it will be the death of me…" she muttered almost to herself.
Gawain clutched her by the shoulders "You will not die Bethan. He told me to tell you he loved you; that he wanted me to look after you; I cannot let aught happen to you."
"But Gawain, I miss him so…" she turned away again, fresh sobs shaking her frame. He held her until she cried herself to sleep.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
That night they buried Lucan in the graveyard just outside the fort. All gathered there and listened as Merlin spoke over the grave of the young man.
Bethan bit back the tears that threatened and buried her head in the neck of their son; Darry too was in her arms, Gawain stood beside her – supporting her, physically as well as emotionally; as to all those there it looked as if she could barely stand.
Dagonet fell to his knees; sobs racked his large frame. Bethan watched the man, her heart going out to him. She knew that feeling "he needs you." Gawain whispered in her ear.
Dagonet was kneeling next to the earthen mound not truly believing his best boy, the one who had first shown him that there was a chance of a good life, was gone…..all the memories of the little boy he had rescued from that dungeon flying through his mind.
The night he had returned from the dead….the way he had run to him crying and calling his name "Dagonet, oh Dagonet!"…the first time he had called him father…
He felt a hand on his shoulder "I miss him too….he was the best part of me Dag; the very best." He never answered her, but wrapped his arms round her waist and sobbed all the harder.
"Dagonet…oh, Dagonet!" she sighed, stroking his head and patting his back her tears swimming in her eyes "We will miss him….I will miss him…..so much Dagonet…so much." They stayed like that for some time, the young woman comforting the large knight…both knowing what the other had lost. Eventually Dagonet stood "He was a lot to me…he….I….was not his real father…but….." his eyes swam again.
"You were….you were his real father Dagonet. You were his father full as much as Tristan is mine. Do you think he would question that he was my father, if he were stood in your stead? Lucan loved you as his own blood" Her voice caught "he loved us both…so much….do not ever doubt you were his father…." Her voice tight, her eyes full she held his arm…
He stood and smiled at her "He loved you – he really did."
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak further. They embraced and he walked away, with a strange sense of comfort stealing over him from the girl. She stood for some time staring at the grave unsure what to do next. Gawain touched her arm.
"I….I cannot leave him Gawain….I cannot leave him alone here. He has not been alone since he was 9……" her voice was quiet….low….Gawain felt the tears pricking his eyes.
"It is so cold here….the soil is wet and cold, and he will be all alone…." She dropped to her knees, digging her hands in the wet dirt "I cannot leave him by himself. I want him back…please…I just want him back…"
Gawain picked her up and silently carried her away; she looked over his shoulder as Lucan's grave shrank in the distance "Lucan….."
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Nearly a month later; Gawain woke to find the bed empty again except for the sleeping children, for the fourth time that week and he had lost count the amount of times in the last month.
He called Bors from next door"sit with the children…. I know where she has gone." He ran into the rain; the rain that had been falling since Lucan died.
"She has gone where she always goes." Sighed the knight "She is lucky to have him; though he is starting to look as ill as her now….history repeating itself…" muttered a sleepy Bors to Van, who had come in too, and the two children.
She nodded"she would have died already without him; do you think they will be alright?"
"I do not know…." he shrugged, before frowning "What a bloody mess…"
0-0-0-0-0-0
She was laying next to the grave, her hands buried in the dirt…..she had obviously cried herself to sleep – same as all the other times he had found her here. She was soaked, but what could he do? Then something occurred to him, something he had not done before.
She was stirred by a hand….and a soft voice speaking to her….
"Do
not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I
am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When
you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of
quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at
night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I
did not die."
She opened her eyes to see Gawain, his own eyes swimming in tears "he is not here any longer Little Scout…" he spoke quietly. "Remember what you told the children?
You told them "When you go to sleep tonight dream of a large plain with waist high grass…..it stretches as far as the eye can see. There are blue skies above and the sun shines warmly on your back…….and all those you have loved and lost, particularly your father's, are there; they watch over you and make sure you are alright, and when your time to leave this world comes, they will return to take your hand and lead you to that wonderful place.
But for now they are your guardian angels, and they watch over you from that wonderful plain. They are always keeping you safe and well….they will walk through life at your side; you will never be alone." Well Lucan is there too now Bethan - he will be there and he will always watch over you.
He will never leave you; he will always keep that promise. He will be with you; you just will not see him…" He sighed and swallowed "but he is not there" he nodded at the grave "and he would not want this… come back with me Little Scout.
You have to live Bethan…the children need you, I need you; our tie works both ways – if you die, I die….you are close to death, I can feel it…and if you are, then so am I. I could not, will not, go on without you; and then what of the children?"
She stared at him then, whispering "It hurts….Gawain….it hurts more than when I lost the baby…." This time it was too much for the young knight and he grasped her to him; clutching her tightly, his own tears flowing freely. She lay inertly in his arms, as she always did when he found her here and tried to make her leave, one hand still buried in the wet soil – her eyes over his shoulder staring at the grave.
But this time slowly her hand lifted from the mud, and wrapped round his neck, the other following, as her eyes closed and she wept fresh tears into his shoulder.
He lifted her up and carried her back to the fort.
0-0-0-0-0-0
Merlin watched from the battlements - he would save her. He thanked the Goddess, the boy would save her. It was early days, there were still hard times ahead; but the tie held fast, the bond was strong…..she would live.
