Disclaimer: As Chapter One; so please, for the love of God, do not make me keep writing it out people!
I know a lot of you thought I might do the resurrection charm….but I couldn't really do it again! So sorry poor old Lucan really has shuffled off this mortal coil; but it is all for a good cause and I will ensure the story has a happy ending.
WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND SOME SEXUAL REFERENCES (though not too graphic) SO READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
All reviews, and constructive criticism, gratefully received – but no flaming please; and I will try to update regularly.
'Thoughts'
"Speech"
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Bethan & Lucan
Chapter Eighteen – Coming Home
Gawain put Bethan on the bed; she was soaked through "We must get you out of those wet things. I will fetch some dry clothes and then leave you to change." He quickly went to her room, the one she had shared with Lucan.
It was strange, there were things still spread round from the morning of the battle. It was as if they were returning at any moment. Of course one of them would not, and indeed Bethan had not returned there since Lucan had died. Every time she tried she broke out in a sweat and had trouble breathing.
He stood for a moment and then made a decision. He did not think she would be returning any time soon, and so gathered as much of her things as he could to take back; that way he would not need to keep asking someone to sit with her whilst he went to fetch things back and forth.
Whilst he was away Van approached the muddy girl on the bed, "I suggest we get you in the tub Bethan." she smiled warmly and touched her arm "you need to warm up and get clean." She went to fetch water.
Bors on the other hand had had enough, he walked over and grabbed her shoulders, giving her a little shake "Now you listen to me Little Scout….I loves you, I loves you like you were one of me own bastards, but you ain't being fair to our Gawain!
He worries for you; and you are doing to him what he did to you over Ysabeau. You know how that feels, do you not? Do you think Lucan wants you to pine like this? Wants you to waste away to nothing and drag that poor bastard with you to Hades?
He would go too - Gawain would follow you willingly to your bloody Hell if you went there; just as you would him. He loves you; always has, ever since you was little….I have kept my lip buttoned, I have – even Van do not know what I thought, and that is hard for me to keep stuff from her as I love her a lot.
But not no more - I will not stay silent no more while you kill the pair of you. You are his best friend in the world; he worships you - has done for a long while, you are the other half to him see, you know that better than most, I know…..but now you are being unfair and you got to snap out of it…understand!" He spoke firmly but with affection.
She nodded dumbly, too shocked to speak. He wrapped her in a huge bear hug and this time her tears were different…no gut wrenching sobs, that broke your heart to hear them, just small tears that seemed more from guilt than grief.
"Now, now…do not take on so….but someone had to tell you, right? You understand what I am saying do you not? He is the best friend you will ever have in this lifetime, and you will kill him along with yourself if you do not stop this. What of little Tris and Darry then? So buck up my Little Scout, alright?"
She hugged him tightly "Thank you Bors, you too are a good friend and brother." She whispered into his ear. He smiled; he knew he was right to do it….though he doubted Van would agree….
Gawain returned then and flew forward, dropping his load of clothing and other items on the floor "What is it, is she alright? Where is Van?"
"She is well; we had a little chat and she cried, and Van has gone to fetch some water so she can get tubbed, scrubbed and warmed up. That is it, is it not Little Scout?"
Bethan nodded.
"I have got the water…….what is wrong?" Van asked as she came in, seeing the two men standing round Bethan.
"They had a little chat…" Gawain offered with a strange tone to his voice.
"Oh…well, let us get you sorted so that we can all go back to bed" she smiled, giving Bors a look. He and Gawain waited outside whilst Van helped Bethan bathe and change.
"What did you say to her?" asked Gawain.
"Not much; just told her that she needed to think of you more than herself…" The other knight shrugged.
"Why? I have no problem with the fact she is grieving a dead husband that she loved with all her heart!" Gawain replied testily.
"Gawain, you cannot go on like you have; you would both end up dying and what good would that do? Do you not think those little 'uns have suffered enough losing one parent each, without losing the others too?"
The other knight thought and nodded "I just….she was there for me….and I….I…."
"I know…..I know….do not fret brother….but I had to have me say." He grinned and clapped the younger knight on the back.
There was a noise on the other side and the door opened. Bethan was tucked in bed with the children "She has settled; come on Bors…we need to go to bed and have a chat." She pulled her husband out and left the two alone; muttering to him about "keeping your nose out".
Gawain had to smile as he went to empty the dirty water from the tub. They were wonderful the two of them; all the knights were - all had come and taken turns with the children, but they had been happiest with their parents.
Galahad had been there lots of times "how fares she brother?" he would ask each and every time, concerned.
"Well enough…" would be the stock reply; but Bethan would neither look nor turn to the other knight.
He would look at Gawain and see the circles under his eyes and the drained look about his face; Galahad would leave wondering if they would lose the final two who were so close to all their hearts. He would feel sick at the thought of losing his brother as his wife had lost her sister.
"Bethan?" Gawain had returned; finding her, as usual, facing the wall. "Are you alright?"
He lay down next to her; seeing the two children snuggled up to her, he wrapped his arms around all three. For the first time in a month she relaxed against him "I have been very selfish Gawain." She mumbled.
"Nay, you have not….take no notice of Bors. He just wants to help, but he has never been the most tactful of us knights!" he smiled into her hair.
"Nay he has not…but he speaks true nonetheless."
"Nay….you loved Lucan very much, you miss him. I understand Bethan" he sighed "I understand probably better than any here; except for maybe Lynette. But even she did not grieve as I did for Ysabeau, and you now do for Lucan."
He sighed again "Mayhap we grieve overmuch…..I do not know. But I do understand; you are not selfish Bethan…you are lost."
"I am not when you are here; I am never lost with my friend to guide me." Her voice was so low he could barely hear it.
He tightened his grip on her "Well that is good to know Bethan; mayhap you could let your friend guide you back to us. We…..I...am not ready to let your Heaven have you yet…."
She let loose the children slowly so as not to disturb them and rolled over to face him "You are a good person Gawain – I do not deserve you. But….but I am ready to come home now…Bors was right….it is not fair on you, and Lucan would not wish it."
"Thank the Gods…." He murmured as he hugged her fiercely.
She then rolled over and gathered the children to her once more, his arms about her again she sighed "You will not leave me, will you Gawain? I could not lose you too, I could not."
"Nay, Bethan…whatever would happen to me – you would always know I walked beside you whether in body or as a wraith….you would know me."
Her turning point had come….she begged him to tell her how to live without Lucan.
"A wise little friend told me once, when I asked her the same question after Ysabeau died; to live a moment, then turn the moment into a second. Make the second into an hour, the hour into a day. Let the day become a week, and then the week would become a month…..eventually a year would pass and the pain, whilst not gone, would not be so bad and I would be able to remember all the happy times without being so saddened. She was right." He smiled affectionately "You were right, my Little Scout…."
"You speak true Gawain…I will try."
She sighed and let sleep claim her, one arm hugging the children the other hand clasping his arm; Gawain noticed the rain outside had finally stopped.
Outside Merlin listened……then he felt the rain stop for the first time since the boy had perished - it was a good omen, "Thank you Goddess…..." he murmured.
0-0-0-0-0-0
Six months flew by once more. It took another two months, but Bethan regained her strength - she was still very clingy with Gawain, but he did not mind.
She had now moved to his room and he slept on a cot at the foot of the bed, leaving the main bed for her and the children.
Daralis was the happiest any had seen her; now 18 months, she was devoted to Bethan even more now she had her with her always. Little Tris, as he was now called by all who knew him; so much so that Bethan laughed that they should have named him that instead of Thane, now 2 years old, was almost doglike in his devotion to Gawain. The young knight would often take him to Lucan's grave and tell him about his father.
However, the little boy had taken to calling him Papa – Bethan and Gawain wondered, and secretly worried, how all this was sitting with Dagonet. Although seen regularly he never commented on the situation.
In the end it was Bethan who decided to speak to the large knight directly. She was loathe to do it - for fear she would open wounds that were only just closing for them all. But she had to know, for she would not hurt that gentle giant for worlds, and he had already suffered so much.
"Dagonet?" she found him in the stables one afternoon "Can I speak with you?"
"Of course Little Scout…..what is it? Is it Little Tris?"
"Nay, he fares blissfully as always." She smiled slightly "it is me…..me, Gawain and Lucan. I need to talk to you about how things sit with you."
"Oh. I see." His smile faded slightly and her heart lurched.
"You know I stay in his room with the children and that he sleeps on a cot on the floor?"
"Aye."
"That is alright with you?"
"Why should it not be?"
"Lucan has only been dead 7 months."
"Do you wish to marry Gawain?" He eyed her levelly.
"Nay! Dear God, Dag! Lucan is barely cold! Why would I wish to marry my best friend anyway?"
"It is of no matter; we can discuss that another time. Is there anything else?"
"Have you heard Little Tris call him Papa?"
"Aye."
"Is…is that alright? Gawain has tried to dissuade him but he is too headstrong to listen.
"I know; he takes him to Lucan's grave regularly….he will not forget his real father, but it is good if he has another that is flesh and blood to guide him. As I …." He swallowed "As I did my boy." His eyes swam briefly, before he blinked away the tears.
He walked across and pulled Bethan to sit on a bale of hay beside him "Bethan, look to me on this – you will love Lucan always. A piece of you died with him that day as it did me. But you and I are alive, and we need to live on. Lucan would want that, he would want it no other way. I…I miss him, of course I do…as do you I know.
I see the way your eyes stray to the graveyard when you are on the battlements sometimes, or when we passed on that mission last week. But we cannot, must not, pine forever. Our lives are too short; we are warriors – we could die tomorrow. Lucan proved that. He loved life so much….he loved us so much….and yet…yet he died." He sighed and swallowed again, as she fought to control her own tears.
"What I am saying is this - if you find another to make you happy at any time in your life" He waved her protest away "then seize the day. It is what Lucan would wish…."
"Nay Dag…..I am happy alone – like Gawain I suppose, we two are old hands at grief and prefer not to get hurt again. I just wanted to make sure you understood the situation, and I was not hurting you. If I was, then I would have moved out and cut the tie with him." She smiled, but spoke resolutely.
"You cannot cut a soul into two Little Scout; but it warms my heart to know you still think so much of me."
Her tears fell then as she wrapped her arms round him "Dagonet of Arthur's knights, you are both my brother and my father-in-law….you of all knights will hold a special place in my heart. Are you not one of mother's fallen knights returned? Are you not one of the two who welcomed us that first day in the fort? Are you not the one I would run to first before all others, saving my father, when we first came? I will always think much of you Dag….always."
He hugged her very tightly and, not trusting speech to come; he nodded and smiled before leaving.
Gawain passed him on the way in "Alright Dag?" he asked concerned, seeing the tears in the older knight's eyes.
"She is a good girl, we are both lucky men." he choked and walked away quickly.
"Is he alright, more to the point are you alright?" Gawain asked on entering the stables and seeing Bethan too wiping her eyes.
"Aye, aye we are both well Gawain. I had the talk with him I wanted. He is alright about it all…but said some very strange things."
"Like what?"
"Oh about needing to move on, giving Little Tris a father figure and just general things like that. I told him you and I were happy as we were in our friendship, or alone, to start worrying about marrying other people."
"You would not wish to marry another?"
"Would you?"
"Nay, actually I would not."
"That is what I said."
He put his arm round her shoulders "Good; let us go and get some food, for the children are starving. I am sure Little Tris is eyeing up Darry as his next meal!"
She slapped his arm and they left the stables grinning. She suddenly felt a pang of guilt that she was smiling and Lucan was not here….
"I know" his voice said softly "but it will get easier with time."
She looked at Gawain startled "How did you know what I was thinking?"
"It is what I was thinking myself a few short months ago."
She pulled him to a stop and hugged him "I would be dead without you now Gawain…"
"As I would you; so, we are even are we not?" he hugged her tightly back and buried his head in her hair.
"Aye…..but I still say I owe you more than you ever owed me."
"We will argue of that another time. Come, let us get the children before they start eating their own limbs, as I am about to do!"
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Tristan watched them go to the children and chase them round before taking them for some food, his arms about San's waist her head resting back against his shoulder. "Someone should make them see…."
"It is too soon Tristan. They are genuinely oblivious; they will see in their own time……"
She turned and caressed his cheek - rubbing her thumb over his tattoos as was her habit. "Have I told you how much I love you lately?"
"Only about a hundred times a day, but I could always stand to hear it again…" he tugged her to him, kissing her deeply.
When they broke away, both were breathless. "Tristan, you still manage to make my heart do cartwheels even now!" she grinned at him.
He leant down and blew gently into her ear "and that?" he whispered seductively.
"That…that…"
He could feel her slowly fold against him and chuckled "I see that still works as well…." He swept her up into his arms and walked towards their room.
Milo watched them go "They are off to move the furniture again…..I would be bored with it by now, they have been doing it for years!"
"Mayhap we are missing something" said Suriana, Milo's now constant companion "My parents never seem to tire of it - and they can be so noisy sometimes! It must really hurt Daddy too, because sometimes we hear him shout 'Ye Gods Amila…..ye Gods!"
They were not quiet in their discussion and the knights that heard, even Dagonet, fell about laughing so much that Galahad was holding his sides and Bors actually worried he might wet himself. Arthur was actually doubled over, as Guinevere merely looked to the Heavens with her shoulders heaving in silent laughter.
It was not helped when an innocent, but sweaty looking, Lancelot clad only in his breeches and shoes roamed from his room and asked "What? What is so funny? We have only been moving the furniture – Amila was fed up with the bed where it was….apparently she is worried about the noise waking the children…" This set them all off again.
Lancelot merely rolled his eyes and wandered back into the room, he could be heard saying "Why are you laughing….I only said….OH!" Before the door shut again, but with the sounds of much hilarity the other side.
Milo and Suriana looked on in mild confusion. "You know, I do not think I want to grow up - you go mad when you get old." Was the only observation Milo made, to which Suriana and the other knight's children roundabout agreed.
