Disclaimer: As Chapter One; so please, for the love of God, do not make me keep writing it out people!
The poems that are meant as 'songs' are mine.
WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND SOME SEXUAL REFERENCES (though not too graphic) SO READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
All reviews, and constructive criticism, gratefully received – but no flaming please; and I will try to update regularly.
'Thoughts'
"Speech"
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Bethan & Lucan
Chapter Nineteen – Gawain and Darry
Gawain picked his daughter up; she was mithering for Bethan – which in itself was a problem, as she was with Dagonet and Ilara for the day with Little Tris.
He smiled, they had all taken to calling him that; Bethan was thinking of having a naming ceremony for him and dropping Thane altogether, merely leaving it as Tristan.
Lucan would have liked to do that, he loathed the name Thane but had never had the heart to tell her. Gawain resolved to ensure she knew….Lucan deserved that much.
"Mama, Daddy – Mama!" Darry patted her father's face to get his attention and bring him back to what was bothering her.
"I know my little beloved…but I cannot help you. She will be back soon, I promise." He smiled. 'How could I have not loved her?' he thought 'She is such a wonderful and placid child'.
He thought that she was a lot like Little Tris. They seemed inseparable even now - a friendship as deep as his and Bethan's possibly. He hoped so, hoped his darling daughter found someone as loyal and true to rely on.
She struggled to get down "Nay! I know you, you little demon child; you will be off round the fort searching for her before I can bloody blink!" He tickled her, making her giggle.
"Daddy – Darry loves you; love you Daddy! She put her arms round his neck and hugged him tight. Her curly hair like his, strawberry blond in colour like her mother's, falling into her green eyes.
He hugged her fiercely back "I love you too, little one - more than you will ever know, I love you." He suddenly had a thought "Shall we go for a ride? Take the horsey for a walkies?"
"Horsey walkies, horsey walkies!" she bounced up and down, clapping.
He grinned at her, "Come on then…." He leaned over slightly and held out his hand; she grasped it in her podgy little fingers and he walked her out of the room. Very quickly they were back….he had forgotten the bag with all the paraphernalia that you needed to change her….thank the Gods that Little Tris was now latrine trained!
"Right….we are really going this time!"
Soon they were walking to the stables, but Darry quickly tired "Daddy….Daddy carry Darry."
"Aye, it is a long walk when you are only nearly 2 and you have such short legs!" he smiled as he swung her into his arms.
Jols greeted them as they arrived "No Bethan today, Gawain?"
"Nay Jols, she has taken Little Tris out with Ilara, Dag and the boys……they are really missing Lucan, and she does not want them to feel like they no longer have a claim on Little Tris. They are still his grandparents after all…." He smiled.
"Dag took it bad, did he not?"
"Aye, not as bad as Ilara though; I thought she might follow him from what Dag told me."
"Aye, she was fearful attached to the boy she was that; still, all's on the road to the mending as they say; you taking the little one out then?"
"Thought it would blow the cobwebs away; and she is fretting for Bethan and Little Tris…." He rolled his eyes and grinned.
"Well, you got a nice day for it; have a good time! Mayhap you could teach her to scout!"
"Nay, I will leave that to her surrogate grandfather….Tristan's so much better at that stuff than me!" Gawain laughed.
Soon they were saddled and Jols lifted Darry up to her father.
"Awwww….horsey, nice horsey…..love you…." she patted the horses' neck.
"I thought you loved me?" Gawain queried in mock hurt.
Immediately large green eyes swung up to him "Aww…love Daddy too!" They smiled at each other.
"Darry, you love everyone my sweet!" Laughed Jols.
"Love you Joly…love you muchly!" Darry cooed to the other man.
"See what I mean!" he laughed.
"Everyone at this fort, Darry loves…." Gawain agreed. "She has a big heart my daughter, a very big heart." He spoke proudly.
"You ever think of you know….marrying again…not that you and Ysabeau had a chance to wed….but you know?" Jols queried "It is almost 2 year since she passed…."
"Nay Jols….I am happy with my life as it is. I have Darry, the best daughter anyone could wish for. I have a surrogate son in Little Tris, and a friend I do not deserve in Bethan. We finish each other's sentences, help each other with the children….I am closer to her now than even Galahad, and we too are close. Nay, I like my life…I do not wish to upset that applecart again."
"What of Bethan? There are plenty interested in her…"
"I do not know; you would have to ask her." He shrugged "But she says she feels the same as me and I believe her. We loved, loved a lot, and lost; and I know Arthur says that it is better that than to never have loved at all - but the pain of the losing is not something either one of us wishes to repeat." He sighed for a moment as too many memories crowded him.
"Anyway…we had better be off if we want to get a ride in before it gets dark!" he grinned.
"Shame…..that is a shame…" was all Jols muttered as he watched the father and his daughter ride away.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"Sing Daddy, sing!" Darry demanded; unbeknownst to the others, Gawain regularly sang to his little girl. He had a fine voice, but did not know it as no one ever heard it.
He sighed, he was very self-conscious, but would refuse his best girl nothing. "Alright….what though….what shall Daddy sing?"
"Lickle Angel; sing about the Lickle Angel!"
"Little…its Little, Darry….Alright, I will sing it!" laughed Gawain.
"There is a little angel,
in the sky above –
she often watches over me,
and sends me all her love.
And when I am sad and lonely,
She flutters down to say –
"hello!" very quickly,
And then she flutters right away."
Darry clapped her hands…."Wonful, Daddy, wonful, Daddy sing good!"
"I do not think so, it was some silly song Daddy made up for you…."grinned Gawain sheepishly "but thank you dear daughter for your biased applause!" He bowed over her solemnly.
"Daddy funny…you very funny Daddy!" she giggled.
"Well, I am glad someone appreciates me…" he grinned; "Come my little beloved….shall we walk?" he lifted her down from the horse and they walked along.
"Where Heaven Daddy?"
"Why do you ask?" Gawain sat down under a tree by the river bank, and pulled his young daughter on his lap.
"Mama, says my real Mama in Heaven."
"Ah, I see. Well, she is right. I loved another, a lovely lady called Ysabeau." He waited for the familiar pain to drive a stake through his heart at the mention of her name, but for once it did not happen. There was a stab of pain, but not one that would make him catch his breath anymore. He smiled "I loved her very much….."
"You no love Mama Bethan?" She asked suddenly concerned.
"Aye, aye I do. Mama Bethan is my best friend in the whole world. I love her even more than Uncle Galahad; he who is more my twin brother than any could be. But I loved your first mother very, very much too. Like Mama loved Uncle Lucan….."
"Oh, oh sad - Uncy Lucan go to the angels…" her large dark green eyes swum.
"Oh do not cry my little pudding. Aye, they both went to the angels and we miss them, but we all have each other do we not? You have Mama, me and Little Tris and I have all of you."
She smiled through her tears "Aye, Daddy, Aye I have you….and Mama and Tris!" Then she added "Tell me of my other Mama….the first….."
Gawain sighed, they had had this conversation before – usually Bethan took over as he found it difficult, but she was not here. He pulled his daughter tighter into his arms resting his chin on the top of her head "Well, she was beautiful, kind and loving and she loved us very much. She wanted a baby…"
He hugged her tightly "and she wanted to see you grow Daralis; but things went wrong and she could not stay with us. But she loved you little Darry; never forget that, she loved you very much. She named you, and your name means 'Beloved'; and you were that to her. She loved you very much my little Darry….very much indeed."
He paused for a moment and listened to her even breathing, she had fallen asleep. He leant back against the tree and closed his eyes, pretending to ignore the single tear that slid from his eye….soon he slept.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
He awoke a little later to find Darry patting his face "Wake up Daddy…Daddy wake up!" It was getting dark and time to go home.
He hugged her to him "You do know Daddy loves his Darry do you not?"
She flung her arms round his neck, squeezing "Aye Daddy, Darry knows…."
"Good because I do….you are such a good girl, so sweet and kind too; my most beloved."
He put her on the horse and mounted behind her. She was shivering, as the sun was going down it was getting chilly, so he pulled his cloak round them both and hugged her to him.
He thought about all what they had talked about, and made a decision. On the way back they stopped at the graveyard; he lifted her into his arms and they walked to one particular grave….one he had not been to in a long time.
"Darry, this is where your first mother is buried. This is where to come to talk to her."
"I know, Mama brings me; she tells her how good I am and how big I am." Gawain looked shocked, he had no idea. But he was touched, touched that she should think to do that; but then did he not do the same with Little Tris? Did he not bring him to Lucan's grave?
"Well, I think we should sit with her for a little while, do not Darry; I would not wish her to feel forgotten." He sighed.
Darry came and sat in his lap; she grasped his face in her little hands "Daddy sad…..why Daddy sad?"
"Daddy miss your first Mama……he loved her muchly." He smiled using her strange little phrase.
"I no remember her."
"No pudding you would not…she died when you were but a very little baby."
"Now I big girl…." She tried to lift her arms up very high and nearly fell off his lap.
"Aye, Darry you are very big girl….you will be 2 years old in 1 month from now!" he laughed.
"What we dream of Daddy?" His heart lurched as he realised she had now grasped the same ritual that all the other knights' children had long since learnt.
So he repeated what he had come to know by heart from Bethan….before finally adding, "and to know that we are lucky enough to have each other, my brother knights, and Bethan and Little Tris, who would care if we died tonight. You fill my soul with pride and my heart with love Darry….because of all of you I have not lost all faith in mankind.…"
She snuggled against him "Daddy is my bestest friend."
"But what of Little Tris; I thought he was your bestest friend?" her father smiled.
She seemed stumped for a moment, then beamed "He is….and so is you!"
Gawain hugged her tightly "Oh Darry how you make my heart sing…"
"Sing for me Daddy; please sing for Darry…" Gawain was reluctant; they were very near the fort, he could imagine the ribbing he would get if he was heard – but then he looked at Darry's face, and melted.
"Alright….but quietly…." He smiled. Before singing the song he had heard Bethan sing that night in the tavern….
"No matter how sad the future seems,
Or how dark the sky above –
Remember that a heart is out there,
Looking for your love.
You will find it one day,
When you are lost and low –
A heart that takes you by the hand,
And shows you where to go.
So turn your back on heartache,
You are alone no more –
A friendly heart is knocking,
To take your hand once more.
To take you from the sorrow,
To leave all tears behind.
The heart and soul that calls to yours,
Will always now be mine.
So let your heart keep looking,
Allow your soul to see –
The heart that yearns to love you,
Belongs alone to me."
He wiped a tear at the end and then laughed a little shakily as Darry kissed his wet cheek.
"Darry fix your boo-boo Daddy…..Do not cry…." She looked concerned.
"Oh my darling girl, you are so sweet I could eat you!" He scooped her up and made her squeal with laughter "Come it is getting very late, we should return home; Bethan and Little Tris will start to worry…" He went to put her on the horse, but she wriggled down and ran back to Ysabeau's grave…
"Goodbye Angel Mama…." She whispered.
"What? What did you call her?"
"Angel Mama, it is what Mama calls her." Darry answered, obviously perplexed that her father did not know.
Gawain smiled "That is a good name for her….a good name." He swung her into his arms once more and they led the horse to the stables.
0-0-0-0-0-0
Once they had returned to the room they shared with Little Tris and Bethan he found them waiting….Bethan cooking a stew over the little fire.
"You must have smelt it!" she grinned.
Darry ran to Little Tris and they embraced. The two parents watched smiling.
"Had a good day?" asked Bethan.
He crossed the room and hugged her "Aye my friend….a very good day."
