Disclaimer: As chapter one; so please, for the love of God, do not make me keep writing it out people!
WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND SOME SEXUAL REFERENCES (though not too graphic) SO READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
All reviews, and constructive criticism, gratefully received – but no flaming please; and I will try to update regularly.
'Thoughts'
"Speech"
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Bethan & Lucan
Chapter Twenty – The Day Trip
"Dagonet? Ilara? We are come….." Bethan called out into the rooms that Dagonet shared with his family.
Ilara flew to the door "Daughter…good morrow to you! How fares you and how is my little grandson…?"
"Good morrow…..well, and well!" Laughed Bethan, clasping Ilara in a tight hug; both women had mourned Lucan's passing hard, and had only just survived. Both had the men in their lives to thank for their survival…..Ilara had Dagonet and Bethan had Gawain.
But it was Bethan's curse that bound them; whilst most others could not understand the hatred that had run so deep to cause her to do such a thing, Ilara could. Her son was dead and she was heart glad that her daughter-in-law had done something to avenge him, more than merely shedding the blood of those that had slain him.
He was her 'first born' in a way. He had accepted her so immediately into his heart – reminded her so much of her dead boy….even as the years passed she would see Lucan grow and think back to her first boy. She would think 'he may have done that now' or 'I think he would have looked as strong'…..
So when Lucan had passed it was like she was living both deaths again, not just one. It had been just a year since Lucan died now, but the pain was still there; though she survived – Tanwir (now 7½) and Rahil (now 9½) needed her, as did her Dag and so she had let Lucan go forward alone….but by the Goddess it had been hard.
She knew Bethan understood; knew that she too had nearly followed him to the other side, but likewise had been pulled back from the brink.
She knew they shared a bond now beyond that of mere family; they were two women who had mourned hard the loss of a loved one – one a son, and the other a husband.
She knew Bethan never went to his grave; still found it hard to leave him in the cold earth - she had told Dagonet of this only the other day.
"Bethan…" Dagonet had asked "Why do you not visit Lucan's grave? We see you go to Ysabeau's with Darry….."
"I….I cannot…." She looked at the ground "I miss him and hate to think of him alone in that cold ground. I know what Gawain has told me….but still…." She paused "So I do not go. Neither does he go to Ysabeau's. I take Darry and he takes Little Tris." She smiled "It seems we have an 'unspoken understanding'…"
"I see….I am sorry…I did not know it was still so hard for you."
"It is not that hard now Dag….but it…he was never alone you see….from the age of 9 he was never alone…. and it still hurts to think he is now ….we were inseparable as children. That was why I wanted to die with him, just so he would not be alone." She smiled "I loved him that much…."
He leant across and touched her arm "and he loved you equally." They smiled together.
"Ilara are you well? You seemed distant?" Bethan broke into her thoughts.
"I am well, very well. Now where are my men folk? They say women take too long to get ready!" She smiled.
"I am here woman, stop nagging me!" grinned Dagonet, entering the room and quickly striding to embrace both Bethan and Little Tris in a huge bear hug.
"Are you ready for the picnic little man?" Dag asked his grandson.
"Aye, Grampy….Aye, aye!" Giggled the little boy.
Tanwir and Rahil came out and rushed to Little Tris "Can we take him to the stables Bethan? We will be careful!"
"Of course…he loves the horses…plus Faith and Charity will be pleased to see him…" The two older boys ran off with Little Tris, arguing over who was to carry him.
Bethan laughed "They are so grown up now….where do the years go?"
"I could ask you that 'old woman'!" Laughed Dagonet "You are but 19 and you sound like you are 90! What of me! I knew you when you were 7! How old do you think I feel!"
All laughed. "Come, come husband; or we will never get there until it is time to come back…."
"Or as Van says to Bors "You are so slow Bors I am surprised you do not meet yourself leaving as you return!" Bethan gave a good impression of her friend.
"They bicker much!" Laughed Ilara.
"Aye but he loves her more than his own life…though if he knew I had told you that he would gut me like a fish!" Giggled Bethan.
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They were soon on the road and passed the graveyard, Bethan casting a weary look to Lucan's grave; mayhap she should visit him. It was wrong not to "Ilara?"
"Hmm?"
"I…..would you come with me on the way back….I wish to visit Lucan's grave. It is wrong not to after so long, I think I could bear it now if you were with me."
"Of course Bethan, we both could. Could we not Dagonet?" She beamed at her husband.
"Aye, aye of course."
They rode along and were soon at their picnic spot. Bethan ran to play with the boys; her age clearly showing as she ran around with the three until all were breathless.
Bethan loved playing with all of them that much was obvious….all of sudden all three boys charged her and knocked her flying; then there was much laughter as she tried to stand with three hardy children all clinging to her and trying to hold her down…
She managed to shake them off only to go charging after them, yelling, into the undergrowth hotly pursued by Guido barking; they could hear the boys screaming with laughter as she obviously caught up with them.
Charity and Faith called out as they heard Little Tris laughing and giggling as he emerged from the undergrowth.
"The old fire is returning but she still misses him; you can see it in her face." Ilara commented.
"Aye, but she could have another if she but looked; he is right under her nose. I do not like to think of her and the boy alone." Dag frowned.
"Do not try to force it Dagonet, if they are meant to be it will happen. But they are wary of getting hurt and value their friendship….I can understand that.
Their hurt runs deep in them at the loss they have suffered, how would you feel if others were trying to push you toward someone only a short time after I died?"
"I would not wish it….but…it is not so short a time….a year….Lucan would worry…." he hugged her to him.
"There are no buts. Tristan warns of letting things run their course and we should heed that warning. It may cause more harm than good to force the issue.
They are happy as they are, and so long as she and Little Tris are content, surely that is enough?" She looked expectantly at her husband.
"Are you sure it not just that you wish her to remain always cleaved to Lucan?"
"That will always be so, whether she remarries or no. A piece of her heart will always be his. A part of her will always remain in that graveyard….just as a part of us always will. He was too good a soul for it not to." she sighed deeply, and then pulled her thoughts back.
"Nay, I wish her well – she is good to us and I do not feel I have lost my boy completely because she includes us so much in her life. I feel it keenly still, but not so painfully.
I no longer wait for the familiar pain to drive a stake through my heart merely at the mention of his name, for it does not happen so much now. There is a stab of pain, but not one that would make me catch my breath anymore.
So I hope she finds some happiness, I do; the Goddess knows she deserves it. But in her own time Dagonet, in her own time. For now she is content with friendship and support, as is Gawain. I cannot blame them, it is a big loss they suffered. They do not wish to be more than friends, and I for one support them."
"You are so wise Ilara….what would I do without you?" He snuggled his face into her hair, breathing in the scent of the violet soap she loved to wash with.
"Probably go around sticking your size 12 boots into your mouth at every available opportunity; or at least letting Bors do it for you!" She roared with laughter; remembering how when she first met him Bors would always do all the talking for both of them.
"Wench!" laughed Dag.
She laughed back and then sobered "we should ask her to talk to the boys; see if she can fathom why they fight so now…."
Dag nodded.
"Bethan! A moment please?"
"Ilara, is all well?"
"The boys have begun misbehaving….badly, and it is not like them. I worry; it has only been in the past month or two. But all the same…." Her voice trailed off, but the concern was evident in both faces before Bethan.
"You wish me to speak with them?"
"Would you?"
"Of course; they are my little brothers too are they not?" she smiled warmly at the couple. "Could you keep Little Tris occupied?"
"You do not even need to ask!" Dagonet grabbed Little Tris as Bethan returned to the two boys.
"His eyes are so unique!" smiled Ilara in wonder.
"Not so; Tristan told me his brother, Milo, was the same. He had one blue and one brown eye."
Little Tris shrieked with laughter and Faith and Charity called out in return.
"So long as we have him we have a little part of Lucan."
"We will always have him….she will never shut us out."
"Nay, she is a good girl…but I feel the wildness returning to her. I missed it." Dag replied looking wistfully at Bethan.
"That amused me with Lucan you know."
"What?"
"He always complained about her wildness; but when she quieted after we left the wall, he then complained how he missed it!" She laughed.
"Aye he could be a contradiction in terms, but he loved her so much. From the moment he saw her that first day they came to the fort at the wall, I saw it. He loved her….right then, in that one second he was hers." He smiled at the memory. "She was all he talked of, all he wanted to be with apart from me. So long as they were together he was content.
But his need for her drove her insane at times, he constantly had to be with her" he looked thoughtful "She is her father's daughter and likes her own company….Lucan could be…..demanding at best and possessive at worst." He looked at Ilara "aye, aye I accepted his faults….for he was my boy…" his eyes swam, but he blinked them away.
"Still we have them now….though I miss him…..always will. He was unique to me." He thought for a moment "the funny thing was it was after one night they seemed to change with each other. She seemed more accepting of his ways and he seemed happy to release her more. He said he spoke with her, and I often wonder what he said……"
"Ask her….."
"I could not."
"Why? If it was a secret who would it hurt to tell it now? If it was merely a conversation, there is no harm…..ask her."
Dagonet sat thoughtful for a moment "I will….for I wonder if he ever told why he was so tight to her…to us all…."
They sat watching Bethan speak to the boys.
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"Tanwir! Rahil! May I speak with you as one adult does to another?" Both boys ran over nodding. Bethan always treated them as equals, not children.
"Why do you misbehave and fight so?" She was blunt, children always preferred that. Life was black and white to them.
"We want Lucan to stay with us…." Was Tanwir's reply.
"I do not understand…." Bethan was confused.
"You said that he would be our 'Guardian Angel'. That he would watch over us to keep us out of trouble. But we worried if we were not in trouble then he would leave us…." Rahil's eyes filled "we miss him so much Bethan….I could not stand it if his angel self was not with us too."
Bethan felt the tears pricking her eyes, but did not allow them to fall. She swallowed deeply "Rahil, sit on my lap…" they scooted over to where she sat crossed legged on the grass, each folding into her arms "Lucan will never leave us. Whether in trouble or not….he will remain watching over us. You must not cause your parents such distress, Lucan would not wish it. He was your brother, your guide and your guardian in this life - and he is the same in the next.
He will always be there for you no matter what….you just will not see him."
"How do you know that?" they asked her.
"A dear friend told me….." she smiled, thinking of what Gawain had said "So, no more bad behaviour. Your brother will be cross, trust me!"
"Alright Bethan; we will try to be good…." They snuggled against her "but we still miss him…"
"As we all do, as we all do…." She grabbed them again; trying to lighten the moment. "I think a good tickling is in order to show you the error of your ways!" Within moments both boys were shrieking with laughter and trying to wriggle away….
After a while she returned to Dagonet and Ilara and explained. "I have told them he will remain with them, with us all, for always."
"Do you believe that?" Ilara asked "for that belief would be of great comfort to me."
"Aye, I do. I would not say what I did not believe. I believe he will guard us for eternity. He gave his word he would not leave me, I know he would not break it; he will always be with us Ilara….we merely cannot see him any longer."
The older couple nodded; Ilara embracing Bethan "Then I take comfort in that fact daughter…"
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Ilara watched Dagonet play with Little Tris "he is a good boy!" she said to Bethan.
"He is….kind and placid; just like his father…thank God there is none of me in him….at least not yet – to be honest I do not know if the world could cope with another brat like me!" They both laughed.
"Dagonet has coped so much better than I with the loss…" Ilara sounded almost resentful.
Bethan put her hand on her arm "Not so…." She bit her bottom lip. Something she had always done when unsure how to proceed "I, or Bors, have often times found him sobbing in the stables."
Ilara looked at her shocked. Bethan nodded "He did not want to distress you further, felt you needed him to be strong. But he was not….no more than any of us were.
Lucan was with Dag even before you, and he took his loss hard. He was the first one to give Dag a glimpse of a normal life. He loved him as his own, and Dag felt the same……"
"Why is it so much harder for us, than you….I do not mean that wrongly…I…?"
"Nay I understand what it is you wish to say. It is because no parent ever expects to outlive their children; nature decrees we age first and die, they live on…..when that cycle is broken – well, the shock and disbelief is overwhelming. You have had far worse to cope with than I; I lost a much beloved husband….but you both lost an adored and beloved son."
Ilara reached over and pulled Bethan into a tight hug. "You are wise beyond your years Little Scout; and I, for one, am thankful for it. You give us comfort."
"If I do no more then I will feel I have not let my Lucan down. How could I not be there for you and Dagonet, Ilara? You are as much family to me as my own…." She smiled.
Dagonet came over once more, letting Little Tris play with Tanwir and Rahil.
"Bethan I have something to ask of you……" he started awkwardly.
"Ask and you know I will answer in truth if I can….."
"Why did you become so accepting of Lucan's possessiveness? I know it caused you great distress in the beginning; I tried to counsel him over it….but…."
"Ah, I see. Well, he told me a secret about him that explained much and made me love him all the more…." Her eyes filled at the memory.
"Could you tell us?"
"Aye, I do not think he would mind it now…..I fact I think it might help a little. You know he was kept in Marius' dungeon of course?"
"Aye, I found him."
"And well you know how they tortured him as well as Guinevere and the others. They did not only starve them. They broke his arm as you know, and they hurt him. But he was not the only child there to start with. Remember Germanius' village; remember his dungeon?"
"Aye, are you - you cannot mean!" Dagonet was horrified as Bethan nodded.
"Lucan told me Marius did the same things, the other children perished long before you arrived." She shuddered "I would hate to think what Arthur and you other knights would have done… Anyway, Marius and his monks killed Lucan's first family; all of them.
His grandparents, parents, older sister and a baby brother all died; all whilst he was in that little hole, that oubliette. He felt they abandoned him, they left him alone - in the dark, in that smell, in there. He told me he would hear them screaming and then it would stop….each time their cries grew fainter and eventually they ceased altogether. Finally, he was alone." Her voice was quiet "I could never understand what he suffered….he was just a little boy…"
Ilara and Dagonet were trying not to cry.
"I asked him how long he was alone there and he said he thought it was about 2 weeks but it was hard to tell. All he remembered is Dagonet calling 'Arthur!' and lifting him out. He said you pointed a finger at him and your first words to him were 'You must not fear me!' Her voice hitched slightly, before she swallowed and continued "he said he never did, never….
He said you protected him…..even when Marius attacked after you had camped that night – you tried to protect him." Dagonet nodded blindly.
"He….he….." this was proving harder than she thought, but knew the gentle giant before her had to hear it - had to know what he had meant to her darling Lucan "he told me he loved you, loved you as a son loved a father. You set his arm; he had a fever - you nursed him, called him a 'brave boy."
Dagonet nodded and smiled through his tears "He said you did all the things a parent would do; when he got well you looked out for him. He said he knew that it sounded mad, but you became not just his friend in the short time he knew you, you became his father…." Dagonet could no longer hold back the tears; the grief kept so close for so long spilled out.
Bethan, her own tears swimming in her eyes, looked imploringly at Ilara – but she merely nodded for her to continue. His wife knew this all had to be said; for him to know what he had meant to his 'brave boy'.
"He said but then you died, you left him. He told me it seemed worse somehow than when he lost his other family. You were such a good man, and so good to him….the pain was almost unbearable.
It was then I grasped what he was saying….all he loved, left him; somehow some way….they left. He would always end up alone.
He told me that when you came back; when Mama brought you back, it was wonderful. That he could not believe it….that he was so happy.
For a week he said he never let you out of his sight; if you went to the latrine he stood outside, if you went to bathe he would sit in the bathroom with you. When you slept, he would sleep holding onto you. He was terrified if he let you wander you would leave again; or he would find it all to be a dream.
It was then all became clear to me; why he was so clingy and possessive with those he loved, especially me. I was wild and free….always moving around. He could not keep me pinned and so needed to know where I was or be with me. It was not a bad thing…..merely a sad boy, growing into a man, who just needed to know he would not always be alone.
I promised him I would never leave him…never…..I told him he was my heart…that I would not lose him for worlds.
He told me I was his light …I was all to him, he would never leave me….never, ever leave me…..but of course, he did. But I do not blame him….for I know he walks with me even now.
But Dag, he loved you so very much…..he remembered every little thing you ever did for him. No matter how slight or small……and he worshipped the ground upon which you walked……you were his hero….there was none to compare to you. He wanted to be you. You were then, and always will be, his real father, his true blood and his best friend." Her own tears were swallowed as she hugged the gentle giant of a knight as he sobbed his grief for the boy who loved him so dearly, but had never really told him all he felt.
But for Dagonet, it was a beginning, a road back to those who remained – for in his own gentle way, he had held them from him so they would not see his own grief….not now. Both his sons and his wife fell into him, hugging and soothing him and Bethan sat back.
She hoped she had done the right thing, but thought that Lucan would approve somehow. Dagonet was a lovely man, and he deserved to know one more thing…..
"We love you too Dag….me and Little Tris, we love you so much…and we carry the love for you that Lucan felt too…..you will never be out of our lives….never."
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On the road back Bethan spoke with Ilara "I will visit Lucan's grave tomorrow with you. I feel Dagonet needs to speak with him this night."
Ilara touched her arm in silent thanks; Bethan bid her goodnights and rode into the fort with Little Tris. Time to get the stew on, Gawain may be there with Darry…if not, he would be soon.
She caste an eye back…..Dagonet was kneeling before Lucan's grave; head bowed and tears clearly falling once more. But his shoulders were no longer slumped and he hoped she had helped. She rode on into the fort.
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Dagonet knelt next to Lucan's grave; Ilara and the boys stood back. "I never knew….I never knew you thought so much of me, lad. I loved you like my own…but I always wondered if you wished for your other parents to be with you. I know now I was wrong to think so….
I never knew I was so much to you….I wish we had spoke of it, I would have liked you to know how I felt the same; how proud I was of you. But I know now and I thank you for loving me so much. It is a comfort to know, and I….I…..want you to know how much I miss you….." his voice tailed off as he fought his tears.
Then, of a sudden, a small breeze picked up…and to the side of him – for only a second - all four thought they could see Lucan smiling at them, a hazy image of the one they all loved so dearly. It was misty there, but he was clear and true……then the breeze blew again and he was gone……but for them, they knew their best boy, their favourite brother, would never be far away and that he loved them for all eternity.
They looked for Bethan, but she had gone. This was not for her….this was only for them….his family.
