Disclaimer: As chapter one; so please, for the love of God, do not make me keep writing it out people!

The rather useless poems for Bethan's ' songs are mine – sorry!

WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND SOME SEXUAL REFERENCES (though not too graphic) SO READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.

All reviews, and constructive criticism, gratefully received – but no flaming please; and I will try to update regularly.

'Thoughts'

"Speech"

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Bethan & Lucan

Chapter Twenty-One – Tristan & Sandrina

She awoke to find his dark eyes looking at her "You know, in all the years we have been together Tris, I do not think I have beaten you awake once!" She complained.

Although his face was partially buried in the pillow she could see his eyes were alight with mirth "I could pretend to be asleep if that would help?"

"Nay, because I know you are awake…..what time is it anyway?"

"A little after dawn….we have time yet before all Hades breaks loose in the guise of our son and daughter….." he pulled her closer to him, burying his head in her neck.

"Remember my husband, it was your idea to take them scouting together; you know Bethan usually trains Milo - she is the only one with any control over him these days…well, apart from you." she sighed theatrically "Sometimes I wonder why I am here at all!"

"To love me as much as I love you and to help me move our furniture most nights….and the odd day…" he kissed her deeply, his lips trailing down her neck. His fingers, gently tracing all the scars, some recent some ages old, that she had picked up in battle or from another time, a time before they met.

"Or the odd morning…." She gasped as he sent her senses reeling yet again.

Her hands had minds of their own and their own path made him growl his desire for her "San, San….even now you make me lose my control…." He groaned against her lips.

"At least I am good for something then…" she smiled, as he grabbed her hips and pulled her against him.

"You are good for a lot of things my love….not least ensuring I remain breathing. For without you I would be naught." He whispered against her neck.

His lips drew lazy circles on her skin, sending her pulse racing her and her senses into kilter.

"Tristan, Tristan…how I love you…." she sighed in his ear before he smothered her in a deep kiss again.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Later when they were sated, content and tangled in each other's limbs she stroked the hair from his face…..chocolate brown eyes regarded deep blue ones. "What?" he asked perplexed at the look on her face.

"I want you to know that my feelings for you have changed…." She felt him stiffen.

"They have?"

"They have grown deeper, if that is possible, over the years Tristan. You know I love you more than my own life do you not? I could not live without you. You are in every beat of my heart, every breath that I take. You are my first thought in the morning and my last at night. Every fibre of my being has one word written into it……. Tristan…" the arm he had possessively around her crushed her to him. His hug so tight she could barely breath.

"Sandrina, I am the same for you – you must know that…" he ground out against her cheek.

"Aye, my darling husband; if I know naught else I know your love for me runs deep……as deep as mine for you. But I wanted you to know how deeply I feel for you….beyond the usual 'I love you'. I am for you Tristan; as I always have been." She smiled against his beard.

She once again looked deeply into his eyes, pressing her forehead against his "Soul kissing?" he asked.

"Aye…..I love you…..and you are still so handsome…" she grinned.

He dipped his eyes and mumbled something, pushing his face into the pillow…. She pushed him onto his back and peered at him "TRISTAN…..I do believe you are blushing!"

He hugged her head into his neck and would not answer, but she could feel the heat on his face. "You are! You are blushing, my darling!" She roared with laughter as he rolled her off and buried his face in his pillow once more.

"What? I did not hear you?" she tried to control her laughter.

"I said…I do not take compliments very well…." He sounded embarrassed, but also happy. She tickled him….it was something she had long since learnt about him.

It had surprised her at first; the oh so controlled and disciplined Tristan…..the man who rather die than oft let his feelings be known outside a chosen few…. was bloody ticklish!

"Get off me you evil harpy!" he cried; but she soon had him powerless with laughter; and swiftly she was as helpless as he…

"I never tire of your laughter Tristan…it is so infectious!" she giggled.

"Come here woman!" he smirked pulling back to him and pinning her arms by her side "Let us ensure those weapons of my torture are safely kept out of the way! Now it is my turn…." He began to kiss her, slowly and sensually, never once letting her escape or move.

His mouth kissed her eyelids, her cheeks, her chin…and then her lips….his mouth was driving her mad, as it trailed her neck "Tristan….Tristan…what you do to me…what you do to me.." she sighed.

Suddenly she was alone in the bed….She opened her eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Dressing…it is time to be up…our children will here soon!" his voice was level and matter of fact…but he grinned evilly at her, knowing exactly what she had been thinking would happen.

He easily dodged the barrage of pillows she threw at him. "You….you…horrible man…you!"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

30 minutes later Bethan and Milo came in "Papa? Can we scout tomorrow….I want to visit Lucan's grave with Ilara?"

"Aye, aye of course Little Scout." He eyed her warmly.

San looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Are you sure Bethan?"

"Ayes, Mama…I am sure…I know he is gone, I know he……I just want to speak to him. I think it is time." She smiled sadly.

"What of Milo?"

"It is alright…I will go with her, and then we will spend the afternoon together will we not Bethan?"

"Aye my little man that we will. Is it alright Papa? Are you sure?"

He went across and stroked the tattoos on her cheek "You must seek closure daughter. I understand, he will always own a part of you, but you must now find a way to talk to him and say goodbye."

"I will not forsake him; I will always speak with him, but I understand what you mean."

"Exactly….speaking with him is not something you have done 'till now. Go, the scouting can wait until the morrow. I am under no orders from Arthur to do it today." He hugged her tightly.

He opened his eyes as if someone had whispered in his ear "Be happy Bethan, be free." He muttered to her.

She started as if slapped "How….how did you…?"

Tristan shrugged "it just came to me…I have heard you say it to Faith many times, and you deserve the same as your faithful hawk." He covered.

Bethan and Milo left, and San turned to him; pulling him down to sit on the bed by her. "I do not believe you…..the look on your face spoke of more."

"I cannot explain it; it really did just come to me…." She saw him mentally shake himself "What shall we do then wife? For you have me all to yourself this day…"

He went to take her in his arms again "Shall we finish what we started?"

She leapt to her feet "nay, my husband…tease that you are….we have moved quite enough furniture around for one morning!"

"HA!" said a voice from the door "I knew you lot would get fed up with it sooner or later!" They turned to see Milo looking at them triumphantly "I am only surprised it has taken you this long!"

He rolled his eyes at their hysterical laughter "Mad….all mad, the lot of them!"

0-0-0-0-0-0

They went to the tavern to see Vanora and after reciting Milo's little observation, which had everyone there almost crying with laughter, they decided to go for a ride.

"Of course we could stay and I could tell them how you 'don't take compliments' " San mimicked him "oh, and do you think Bors would be interested in knowing you are ticklish!" she grinned looking at him innocently.

"San I can see you have been spending far too much time with Amila; those are the kind of dirty tricks she plays on Lancelot" he muttered calmly.

"Well, mayhap just the blushing then" she muttered before raising her voice "Umm…I forgot to say…." But Tristan covered her mouth in a deep kiss.

There was lots of whistles and clapping from the assembled knights, particularly Bors. "Whatever it was San, Tristan obviously finds it arousing!" he guffawed.

Tris picked San up "You need dealing with my lady and I know the perfect way!" He left the tavern grinning.

"Knights!" Called Gawain "Tristan is getting his own back; she must really have jested over much this morning!"

All followed him as he took her out and put her on the back of his horse, no saddle just the bareback…. And then vaulted up behind her…

"Brothers…this is between a wife and her husband…I want no onlookers- and I will know if you follow!"

San was giggling nervously "You are going to toss me in the river are you not?"

"Nay."

The horse trough?"

"Nay….we have passed that already…"

The hayrick?"

"Nay."

"What then?" he remained silent.

"Argh! Do not go all 'silent scout' on me now Tris!"

"You will see when we get there" he tightened his arms around her.

"Afraid I will try to run?" she laughed.

"Nay, I just like to hold you…" he said seriously.

She squeezed his arm, and then pulled it tighter about her "Tristan, you are my soul."

"As you are mine."

0-0-0-0-0-0

They passed Bethan with Ilara and Dagonet by the graveyard. Milo was with Tanwir and Rahil. Little Tris was in his mother's arms. Dag and Ilara stood either side of her.

"She is helping them as well as herself is she not?" San murmured.

"Aye, she is. It is good, all have been mourning too long. He was a loving boy and would not want this grief to remain so strong."

"You wish her to take with Gawain?" Sandrina voiced the thought she had had for some time.

"Aye…I would not oppose the match. He is good to her…they have been close for many years; he is one of the few that accepts her no matter how she is - wild and free or grief stricken. He holds her secrets as close as his own, and stays faithful and true by her side. Besides I think he has feelings for her even if he is not yet ready to admit it."

"How do you know?"

"When you became a knight which one did not take the blood oath because they did not want to be your brother?"

"You…"

"And Gawain would not with Bethan for the same reason. He said that he wished to remain her friend; but as friend it would not matter to be her brother too….so…"

But he is 15 years her senior…"

"Aye and I am 8 years yours San. I am 39 years old and you only 31, yet recall what you told me this morning."

"You think they feel the same?" She leant back to look at him.

"I think so…but at the end of the day they are content as friends for now. They should be allowed to make up their own minds. All I am saying is that I would not object." He looked about him "And we are here…"

She looked at the clearing; there was a riverbank, with bluebells and lush green grass - there were a few trees and one particular one you could sit under….. and a blanket laid on the grass with food and drink.

"You planned this!"

"I did indeed; I was going to put Bethan and Milo off today anyway." He smiled.

"Oh God…I forgot our wedding anniversary? Nay, I never forget that!"

"Never."

"Or your birthday…well, not once I finally managed to pry it out of you, anyway. So what are we celebrating?"

"Our love; nothing more."

She flew at him then; just as Bethan did with Lucan and, like her daughter, she knocked him flying.

"Well, I was not prepared for that…" he managed to say in between being covered in kisses.

"I love you…I do…I love you so much. You act like you are this unfeeling killing monster Tristan, but you are not. You are warm, loving, kind and thoughtful….and most of all you are mine." She wrapped her arms around him tightly.

"Shall we eat, or shall I ravish you now?" he asked with an evil grin.

As it turned out the food ended up waiting….

Later, as they lay once again in a tangle of naked limbs, Tristan suddenly picked her up and carried her to the riverbank; she knew what he was doing and struggled, kicked and laughed…..but it was no use…

"You know…I liked your first idea too." he grinned…

And then he jumped in …..with her…..

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Later, as they lay dressed and curled up together under the tree eating the food Tristan had organised, San let her mind wander back. Back to the night she had helped raise him….

"Did you think we fell in love then?" he asked.

"When?"

"That first night…."

"Why?"

"I did…..I have a confession."

"Oh? Only now after all this time? It cannot be too bad…"

"I came to your tent that night, after you left the fort and listened to you telling the children what to dream; then I heard you telling Bethan that at least with her you had one who would mourn your passing if you died that night.

But you did not, because I knew then I would mourn you; but even before that, when I saw you handle that horse…I think it was then that I liked you and when I heard you in the tent that I started to love you."

"I see…well, that explains much; I think it is fate then….fate that even then you were as drawn to me as I to you.

For me; I think I loved you when I saw you talking to Bethan that first day, and then she put her hand in yours. There was something about you that I just could not ignore; I remember that Merlin would have preferred me to go with Lancelot to save trouble there, and Bors wanted me to go with Dag. But in my eyes no one was like you.

You were this cold blooded killer on the battlefield, this isolated and seemingly detached knight……yet I saw the man inside. The man that spent time with my daughter when he had no need, the man who went out of his way to be nice when I was told that that was not his way.

You had a stillness about you, still do, that I admire. Those eyes of yours are what finally pulled my heart and soul from my chest; I could drown in your eyes Tristan. They hold the world's emotions in them, your heart and soul shine through your eyes."

He wrapped his arms about her tighter "You never did tell me what you would have had to do if Lancelot and Guinevere had not pulled back….."

She sighed; it had been so long she had all but forgotten.

"If you do not wish to…or Merlin has made you give your word not to…."

"Nay, nay…." She sighed "I would have had to kill him….Lancelot. I would have had to kill him."

"Could you have?" He did not sound surprised, and she was not sure she expected him to be. They had no secrets because each could almost read the other's mind.

"Aye….it would have killed me to do it. He is as my own brother; did I not sacrifice blood kin for him? But I would have because the unity of this country rested on it. I am deeply thankful that destiny brought Amila to us - and that disaster was averted."

Tristan nodded, his chin resting on her head. "That was a heavy burden for you to carry alone."

"I did not though, did I? You knew….deep down you had guessed."

"Aye….I had a suspicion."

"I never want to take you for granted Tristan….I know we fight sometimes….though not as much as Lancelot and Amila…"

"I do not think the Saxons and the Celts fight as much as they do."

"Nay, that is true….but for much of the time, I think it is light-hearted banter for them! They certainly seem to thrive on it…three children and another…" she stopped suddenly slapping her hand over her mouth. But Tristan, scout that he was, missed nothing.

"Another? Lancelot will be pleased then… he has been pestering her about more for some months." He laughed.

"For God's sake do not let on you know Tris…she will cut me down where 'ere I stand – for she has not told anyone else except me!"

"Your secret is safe with me, my wife….though at least now I know a way to stop you telling of my blushing and ticklish sides!" he chortled.

"You would blackmail your own wife?"

"Aye…to keep those secrets….definitely!"

"OOH! You devil!"

"Aye, but I am yours…."

She decided against tickling him, and instead snuggled deeper into his embrace "As I am yours…"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

They rode back late into the evening; the graveyard was empty and Tristan hoped that his daughter had finally made peace with her ghost.

He wanted her to be with his brother, he knew how deeply their feelings ran for each other even if they did not. However, he would not interfere and if they were happy as friends, then so be it.

They looked in on Gawain and Bethan and found Milo had dragged his mattress in with them and was fast asleep with Little Tris and Darry tucked up with him.

Bethan sat on the floor staring into the fire and leaning her head on Gawain's knee, while he absently stroked her hair as she told him all about her day.

She smiled at her mother as she sat up "Leave him Mama – we will need to rise early tomorrow anyway if we are going scouting. I will move Darry and Little Tris in with me and give him some more space when we retire. But he insisted on them sleeping with him and I did not have the heart to say nay."

"That boy can wrap you round his little finger!" she smiled at Bethan.

"Aye…he can that – but then what sister would I be if he could not? His my little man and I am his Kêmtir Mader….if he could not, then I would be failing in my duties!" She laughed lightly. "But if he is a bad boy, he knows my wrath well enough also!

He is growing so quickly…. He is 10 now…..I remember him as this tiny little baby! He will be a good scout and warrior…he has the same instinct for killing as Papa and I….." She looked adoringly at the boy in the bed.

San drew her away, before asking quietly "Are you happy?"

"I am content Mama, my life is good right now. I have two wonderful children to love, Darry is mine in all ways that count – though I often speak of her angel Mama as I call Ysabeau, she should know the one who loved her first - and I love her like I birthed her, I have Gawain who is the most true and honourable friend. We finish each other's sentences, I oft times even know what he is thinking; I know whatever happens he will walk through this life with me. He is a comfort. He makes my soul calm…calm, when all about it is raging…"

San looked at her "I see…"

Bethan sighed "I would be dead without him Mama…he brought me back, made me realise I could not follow Lucan unto death; what of Little Tris and Darry….what of my Gawain?"

"He kept you from death?" San started; she could now see what Tristan was driving at, yet her darling daughter was entirely oblivious.

"Aye…he made me realise what I would be leaving here. I could not have a truer friend Mama…."

"Nay…nay, you could not that is true."

"Come wife….I suggest we go let these two get some sleep also; we have a long day of scouting planned for tomorrow. How went your day daughter?"

"Well, Papa…it went well…." She thought of all that had happened "Aye…it did…he told me…told me to be happy, to be free. As you did….." She sighed and looked at floor "I miss him still."

"But it is fading and you remember more of the laughter than the tears now?" Tristan hugged her.

"Aye."

"Then it is as it should be…" He let her go and went to speak to Gawain "you, my brother, are a good friend to her….I am grateful." He rested his hand briefly on the other knight's shoulder.

"I would not be aught else Tristan…she is all to me. You have no need to thank me…in truth what else could I do?" He smiled, knowing that small gesture was like a bear hug from Bors. Tristan was loving and demonstrative….but only with his family. He was still the same old Tris to all else.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Later when they were hugged together in bed, San ran her thumbs over his tattoos "Milo wants these now – he wants to be like you and Bethan."

"What did you say?"

"I said he could….Bethan told him they hurt like bloody Hades but she loves them. She said as a boy it is only fitting he should have them before she did hers."

"I will speak to him about it tomorrow….." He pulled her closer.

"What is it?"

"She is better than me…"

"Who is?"

"Bethan…..she survived without him; whereas I would not live without you. She told me once that is why she is so close to Milo."

"No more than I would you…..That is why she is devoted to him?"

"Aye, she said it is because she knew if aught happened to one of us the other would soon follow; Milo would need her."

"Are we that transparent in our need for each other?"

"It would appear so…"

"I am glad they have each other…." She paused "and I am glad she has Gawain."

"They would have your blessing now?"

"Aye; she said some things this evening, quite innocently, that made me think of us. She loved Lucan with all her heart, but Gawain has claimed her soul as well. You say she is better than you….but if Gawain were to perish I am not sure she would pull back in that instance.

But she chooses to ignore her feelings, as does he, because they are fearful of getting hurt again; only time will tell if their hearts will win out against their heads."

"Aye…ours did."

"I do not think mine stood a chance…as soon as I looked into those eyes of yours I was lost. Do you know when I think I truly realised how much I loved you?"

He shook his head.

"When you barely spoke to me after I sang that song; remember? When Arthur got me to tell the story of the 'Big Black Dragon'? You hugged me, whispered to me and then left so abruptly I nearly fell over.

Dagonet spoke to me and the children were playing and yet all I could think of was you. I spent the remainder of my time in the tavern worrying I had upset you; watching the last spot you had been stood in, in case you came back. As soon as I could I went looking for you, and then I found you in the stables…….the rest, as they say, is history…" he pulled her closer and nuzzled her hair.

"For me it was at the stables also. I had tried to ignore it….but I could not."

"I remember you saying; it was the most you had ever said!" She grinned against his cheek.

"I am not a good talker….." he shrugged.

"Do not ever say that Tristan; you say what is necessary and is that not enough? Also you show me, show our children, how much you care for and love us. What care I for flowery words, when I have one as true as you? Look at today, no one else would have thought to do that…." She hugged him tightly "I will not have you speak so. I love you as you are.

I love the fighter in you, the precision with which you kill, I love the man who adores me so deeply, I love the scout who can see a snapped twig at 200 yards; there is naught I do not love about you Tristan….always remember that." He hugged her equally as tightly back.

"You do not love my calmness when we argue….I remember the night I spent in the stables; though I fared better than Arthur and Lancelot as I recall." His voice held a soft smirk.

She blushed "I was angry and hurt; you had kicked in our door and then walked off and left me!" She smiled "But aye, your calmness in an argument can be a little…..irritating. I remember the others; Arthur had a cut lip and Lancelot a black eye did they not?"

"They did indeed…I was lucky." She felt him smile.

"Nay, you were quicker….I remember trying to strike you on more than one occasion and you grasping my wrist to stop me; their reflexes were merely not as quick as yours my love."

"Flatterer…."

"Always….."

They snuggled together as sleep took them; safe in the knowledge their love came first with them both. Their love…still as strong as the day they declared it, only deeper and more resolute; they were indeed fortunate.