THE ANGST AND THE ANALYST

From the Journals and Papers of Dr. MorningGlory Gaeston

(Rated R-17: Adult themes,mild language, mild violence, brief nudity)

CHAPTER VII.

I stopped and looked up from the second scroll. The implications were enormous. My mind quickly reverted to the possible scenarios as they related to my obligations to both men. Here I was in possession of an item that contained two separate, private communications from a pivotal person in both of their lives. The person who had originated the communications was now deceased. Above all else, both men's well-being was tantamount to me. But this was a quandary. What was my individual obligation to each of the intended recipients? There were so many unanswered questions and at this point no one knew what these letters contained. I prayed it wasn't information so catastrophic as to devastate either of the two.

No need to panic, I told myself. I had to take it one step at a time. Sir Ryan was here at present and I would deal with Sir Ryan's situation first.

"Sir Ryan, the second scroll is specifically addressed to Anomen. I have to deem it a private communication, even under these circumstances," I explained. He sat before me motionless in a near catatonic state.

"Sir Ryan?"

"Yes, Glory," he whispered hoarsely. "Perhaps we should read my letter first. Maybe it will clarify her purpose and you can then proceed according to your conscience and the ethics of your profession." Being a Knight, I knew he would understand.

"Sir Ryan, would you like a few moments to read it in private, or would you like to perhaps take it with you that you might read it in more comfortable surroundings? It is your letter and you do not have to share it with me unless you choose to do so." I wanted him to know the letter was his alone but I was here if he needed me.

"Glory," he began, his voice still in a broken whisper, "in all my years of being a Knight, I have met every battle and skirmish without fear, face-front, head-on, and with my weapon drawn. Why is it that a letter from so many years ago from a small woman who couldn't wield a garden hoe leave me so debilitated and frightened? Why am I filled with such mortal dread as I face a small parchment filled with nothing more than words?" It was almost a rhetorical question but I felt I must answer.

"Sir Ryan, the quill is a mighty weapon. It can free us from our shakels or enslave us in a prison from which we can never escape. I understand your fear, but perhaps this letter will provide you with answers you need and help put to rest some of the tangled feelings from long ago."

He slowly nodded. "Then, Glory, would you please do the honor of reading it aloud that we might both know? I fear I have not the strength to even hold the parchment, and I may require your wise counsel at the note's conclusion."

"Of course. But, Sir Ryan, if at anytime you wish me to pause, or if you begin to feel the need to discontinue, please tell me. This note has been sequestered for many years and it is not necessary that the entire of its contents be consumed in a few minutes."

"I must be on with it Glory. My Moirala, wishes to speak to me," and he again nodded and waved his hand. "Let us be about the task."

I nodded and picked up the scroll addressed to Sir Ryan. I began aloud.

"My Dearest Ryan,

"Death is a strange thing, dearest Ryan. It requires us to assess our lives and accept our mistakes, yet it bids us to make amends with those we love and ask for their forgiveness for both the small, and large, injustices we may have wittingly, or foolishly, perpetrated upon them.

"My time has come as I hear the echoes of the Great Watcher calling me, and I now seek your forgiveness and beg your indulgence that I might put our hearts at ease after all this time. I also ask that you allow me to thank you for giving to me one of the brightest blessings in my life, our son.

"When I first met you, you greeted me with the boldness and openness of Helm. In my mind's eye, I can still see your flashing eyes and your smile as if it were yesterday. You may not realize it, but you captured my heart by the snare of your very being. I think I fell in love with you at that very moment of our first meeting,

"To this love, we bore a son. And he is a wonderful son, so much like you – kind, loving, and compassionate. But I was very foolish, and I gave our treasure over to someone unfit of such a legacy. Had I been wiser, and not so filled with the ignorance of youth, and my arrogant honor of duty to my family, I would have gone with you when you begged me. I have regretted many times over that I did not. I chose instead to stay here in a life, and with a man, I loathed and despised. It was my 'duty,' and to that end, I fulfilled my obligation and was successful, but to the honor of my deep, abiding love for you and our child, I was a dismal and shameful failure. I shall never be able to atone for my blindness.

"Now I am going to ask you to remedy as much as possible the tragedy I have brought upon our Anomen. He is approaching his manhood rapidly and he has no one outside the good Priests and Clerics at the Academy to pattern himself after. I would beseech you to step forward and be as much of a father to him as you can. I know your duties call you elsewhere for long periods of time, but I will rest better just knowing you will be quietly watching and guiding him. When the time comes, I wish for you to arrange for his inclusion in the Order, that he might follow in your righteous footsteps and one day earn his full place beside you. But first, upon his graduation from the Academy, I wish you to deliver to him the other scroll that is secreted with this one. You may read it prior to giving it to him, if you wish. Be forewarned, as it explains to him that you are, indeed, his father, and he need not feel shame of his conception because our feelings for one another were pure and he was born of that purity. I have also asked for his forgiveness that I so wrongfully kept him from you for my own foolish reasons. He needs to know his real father is kind, loving, and was the only true love of his mother's life.

"I hope that within your heart you can find forgiveness for me and my betrayal to you, my darling, my love. And I also hope that someday you can forgive my betrayal to our son. If I could go back and change it, I would. My anguished sorrow pains me justly, but please know my darling, you are the only one who has ever been in my heart, and that even beyond my dying breath, there you shall remain forevermore.

"With love eternal, Moirala."

The name 'Moirala' bore the aged stain of a teardrop. I put the scroll aside.

"Sir Ryan?" I looked up into a face of silent tears. He did nothing to wipe them away, seemingly caught in both memory and the words he had just heard me read. I did not press him.

"Thank you, Glory," he finally said and removed a handkerchief from his tunic. His tipped his headand his eyes looked upward, "And, Moirala," he whispered, "I do forgive you and I will set things right, my love. On my oath, I will set things right for you, me, and our son." He returned his attention to me, his features instantly filled with a look of new resolve. He was a Knight and a very, very strong one.

"Sir Ryan. There is the issue of Anomen's letter. Moirala's letter gives you, shall we say, 'dominion' over it. What do you wish to do?" I asked.

"Glory, without betraying any confidence, or discussing Anomen's case, can you tell me if, in your opinion, the letter will help Anomen?"

"Yes," I said without hesitation. "It will not be without great emotional upheaval for both you and him, but in answer to your question, yes. Most definitely, and ultimately, yes."

"Then, my dear young lady, that is what we are going to do. We shall fulfill my Lady's dying wish and I, with your help, will set things to right." His jaw was fixed and determination had replaced sadness.

"I will try to guide the both of you as well I can, Sir Ryan, but you may wish to consult more experienced counsel. This will not be an easy ordeal in any case," I said.

"No, Glory, I trust you and I have faith in both your ability and your instincts. We shall proceed together. Now, what shall our next step be?"

"Do you wish to read the other letter?" I asked.

"I believe it is the sacred final word from his dear Mother to Anomen and it should be for him alone and I do not wish to violate it," he said with a curt nod.

"Very well. Then we are agreed that it will remain for him as it is," I replied and picked up Anomen's letter and began to replace the ribbon around it. "As for our next step, Sir Ryan, I will need a few more sessions with Anomen to address some separate issues with him, and also to try to prepare him for this revelation as best I can."

"Yes, Glory, I shall respect your judgment as to the appropriate timetable."

"Now, let us return to you, Sir Ryan –." He interrupted me.

"Glory, before you even ask….," he paused searching for the words. "I am feeling 'relieved.' I feel the weight of ten thousand stone has been lifted from me. Knowing that my Moirala loved me even as I loved her has freed me in ways I cannot explain and I am filled with the purpose she set forth in her letter. The mere thought that the truth can, and will, finally be revealed puts my heart at ease. And now that I have her permission, perhaps I can regain my son." He smiled. Once again I was looking at a handsome Knight of the Order of the Radiant Heart. I picked up his letter and the attendant pink ribbon and handed it to him.

"Sir Ryan, I believe this is yours," I said and smiled at him. I was happy that these words from so long ago gave him peace and purpose. He deserved it.

"Glory, I thank you for this wonderful treasure," and he gently took the words from long ago and held them close to his chest.

"I believe, Sir Ryan, that your thanks is somewhat misplaced. I was only a tool. Perhaps your Great Watcher has placed this in your hands after so many years of faithful and dutiful service to Him." He nodded and smiled as he looked down at his letter then tucked it safely into his tunic.

"Perhaps He has. We cannot always know how the Deities work among us mortals."

We talked a few minutes more and he related other fond memories from his time with Moirala. He was invigorated once again.

Our time soon expired and as I walked him to the outer office, he said, "By the way, I don't know if your father has told you, but he has asked me to stand with him at your wedding. I sincerely hope your are pleased with his selection," and he smiled.

"Oh yes, Sir Ryan, I am most pleased and most honored you will be standing with him. It will be a pleasure to have you inour ritual!"

I was very happy and relieved with Father's selection. The Standing Man at aunion ritualwas in charge of seeing to the Father of the Bride's needs. In this case, it meant that Sir Ryan would make sure Father did not make a fool out of himself with too much drink, and there would be no unsolicited outbursts in the middle of the 'I will.' Yes, Sir Ryan would insure Father did not insult Hendak before we even left the altar! As I thought about it, maybe I should have asked Sir Ryan to bring a few extra Knights from the Order for possible assistance. An emotional, out-of-control wizard could be difficult to subdue should the need arise. And if he were into the spirits beforehand, I shuddered to think of the possibilities.

"The look upon your face betrays your thoughts, Glory," He interrupted me and laughed. "You know there is only one Standing Man, but I shall have a few trusty associates in attendance should your father lose his sense of decorum during your solemn rites." He knew Father very well, indeed.

"Thank you, Sir Ryan. You do know Father. A wizard with such a love of frivolity but no tolerance for consumption can be a very daunting charge. Even for the best of the Order."

"How very well I know, dear one, how very well I know. Anyway I owe a debt of gratitude to your father. Saving him from himself would be small repayment by comparison."

I must have looked quite puzzled.

"Did I not mention that it was your father who first introduced me to Lady Moirala at the Church?" And to my surprise he hastily imparted a kiss on my cheek, bid me a fond farewell and left. Yes, we would be in touch.

Charona certainly appeared perplexed and I returned to my office saying nothing.

Father was there? Father had great disdain for ALL organized religions. Didn't matter what Deity, he simply dismissed it all as 'claptrap' and never passed the opportunity to expound on his belief of his non-compliance.

'Has any one of the Gods ever done anything for me to deserve my undying dedication and blind allegiance?' he had repeatedly said as I was growing up. Pretty logical for a wizard. But what had he been doing at the Church of Helm and how did he know the Lady Moirala? I made a mental note to ask him later that evening.

Hendak and I were going to dinner at Father's later to discuss the engagement party he was planning, and of course, theritual plans. He did not yet know of our plans to have the 'High Rites of The Blessed Union' of the Church of Waukeen. He was going to have a fit when I told him. Oh well, that would be later tonight and I would deal with it then. I just had to make sure he didn't blame Hendak and retaliate by attempting to turn him into a toad, or something worse. Right now I needed something to eat and prepare for my afternoon patients. It already had been a long morning.

The afternoon was tedious by comparison to Sir Ryan's visit and it was all I could do to keep my attention focused on Lady Tigua and Moskie Duran, respectively. Duran left late and Charona announced no patients were scheduled for the next day. She also reminded me she would be in classes all the next day. That meant I was free to spend the 'morrow on Delryn's transcriptions and prepare for our next session - possibly two sessions. I also needed to review the new journal he had brought to me and I desperately needed some quiet time to contemplate how to handle this letter from Moirala. As to the later, I was hoping for some inner inspiration.

I heard Hendak's voice at the door. "Ready to see Father, my love?" he smiled. "He awaits our presence." Oh yes, Father….

We arrived on time and Drusay, the downstairs steward, greeted us at the door.

"Mistress Glory, Master Hendak, do come in," he said bowing and holding the door wide open for us. "Mistress Glory, your father is having a glass of sherry in the lounge and asks that you both join him in an aperitif before dinner is served."

"Thank you, Drusay," I replied. "We'll see ourselves in." He nodded. Drusay had been with Father since I was a little girl. I had not noticed his graying hair until just now as he slowly ambled off to the kitchen in the opposite direction. We turned and entered the double doors of the lounge where Father was listening contently to a harpist play his favorite piece of music.

"My darling Daughter!" he said with great exuberance and motioned for the music to stop. "And….Hendak!" The enthusiasm was much diminished with greeting my fiancé. "Do come in, do come in! Can I pour you a sherry, my darling?"

"Yes, thank you Father."

"And …Hendak, would you care for one also?" There was almost the sound of clinched teeth.

"No, thank you, Sir." Hendak smiled. He never let Father get to him. 'You have to remember, Glory. I dealt with the Beast Master of the Slave Pit all those years. Your father is a pussycat by comparison,' Hendak had told me.

We sat down and chatted for a few minutes then were summoned to the dining hall by Drusay.

"Well, my Daughter. I have planned the most exquisite party for you, all I need from you is the date that I might have the invitations written and delivered."

"Father, we have set the wedding date for 26th of Flamerule," I explained as Drusay filled my soup dish from the large tureen he carried.

"Yes, Father Tabor, the 26th Day of Flamerule at the Church of Waukeen north of the city," chimed in Hendak.

Oh dear…

I neglected to mention to Hendak that I should break it to Father about the Church thing.

"Yes, we will be joined according to the High Rites of the Blessed Union," Hendak continued proudly.

I vainly tried to find Hendak's leg with my foot under the table that I might get his attention. However, the table was too wide and I was kicking into thin air. I turned slowly to face Father. He was faintly purple as he glared at Hendak. He said nothing.

"The soup is a little hot, Father. Perhaps a sip of water would help," I tried to capture his attention from Hendak before my future husband was sent hopping down the hall croaking.

Father composed himself and took my suggestion of the sip of water. He then pushed his plate away and leaned over to me.

"Is this true, Daughter? Are you partaking of the High Rites of the Blessed Union at the Church of Waukeen?"

"Yes, Father, it is true. We have engaged the Church and its Priests to perform the ritual." There. I had said it but I still stared down into my bowl.

"And you do not plan to be married here at your home in the grand garden?" That had always been my Father's dream. Arm in arm with his little girl, entering upon the stone path through the gardenias with her party of attendants, and being greeted by the most eligible, richest noble in Faerun, his future son-in-law.

I finally looked at him. "Father, we would love to have our reception here if you would grant us that favor." I wanted desperately to get away from the Church thing.

"Oh, well…" he reared back in his chair, "I thought you would want to have a big blow out at the Coronet! You know… all the ale you can drink and all the sausages you can eat. Come one, come all!"

"Father, please…" I gave him my look of little-girl pleading. The silence was almost deafening. I sipped another spoonful of soup.

"And," Hendak added, "You will finally get to meet my mother, Father Tabor."

The hot broth in my mouth immediately and involuntarily projected in a fine spray across the table and managed to mist both Hendak and Father with small bits of barley and partially chewed turnip. I then choked on the remaining droplets that I had sucked down my windpipe.

'Waukeen was going to be at our wedding!' was all I could think as numerous hands rushed to slap me across the back to dislodge the fragments supposedly causing me such distress. My throat finally cleared. I looked up at Hendak who had reseated himself and was dabbing at the soup across his face.

"My love," I chose my words carefully. "You did not tell me your mother would be in attendance."

"Oh yes, she wouldn't miss it for the world," and he smiled broadly at me. The twinkle in his eyes bespoke it all. He had known all along. Probably from Seer Marybeth.

"And just when were you going to tell me, dear one?" I asked trying to subdue my tone of major irritation.

"Oh, soon, my love. Very soon," and he continued to smile even more broadly at me.

Father's gaze shifted from me to Hendak and back to me again.

"Hendak's mother?" He was more than puzzled as he, too, was dabbing at droplets of soup and bits of barley with the damp towel delivered by Drusay.

"Yes, Father. We very recently discovered that Hendak's mother is alive and well. We have been in, ah, communication with her." Well it wasn't a lie. And right now Father didn't need to know anymore than that.

"I see….I see…..," Father nodded, still perplexed. I could tell he was not going to press me until we were alone. "Very well, then, we will hold our engagement party a week before the wedding." He turned to Hendak. "I trust your mother can be in attendance for our little soirée?"

"Oh, I believe you will be able to count upon her presence, Father Tabor. As a matter of fact, I think you may well depend upon it." And again Hendak flashed his broad smile. I was going to kill him when we got home.

Father's curiosity about Hendak's mother had suddenly supplanted the rage over the Church ceremony.

"And, Father, the reception? May we hold it here in the hall?" I changed the subject.

"Of course, little one, of course. We will have it in the hall and out into the garden so that your guests may dance under the moonlight," he said and laughed, a better humor returning.

The remainder of dinner was almost cordial. Father had apparently shelved his questions and commentsfor later and we were able to talk about other things. Knowing how he thought, I was sure he felt there was time to change my mind about the Church.

"By the way, Father, you never mentioned you knew Lady Moirala Delryn before she died," I mentioned casually.

"Oh, yes, little one. Had it not been for her, you might not be here." He smiled and hurried to explain. "She introduced me to your Mother. They were very good friends, grew up close to one another as I recall. I think, as a matter of fact, your dear mother was probably Moirala's best friend. She was maybe her only friend after her marriage to Lord Cor and her family moved to Baldurs Gate.

"She, like all of us, was sorely grieved at your mother's death when you were born, and I know she was terribly lonely. In many ways, I felt more sorry for her than I did myself, and I actually took her up to the Church of Helm and introduced her to Ryan Trawl. Of course, he wasn't in the Order then. But she seemed to be missing direction and Lord Cor was such a piggish brute, even then. I just thought Ryan, being the good Cleric he was, would put her to work doing something charitable or whatever, and help her toward more productive ends. We did keep in touch. She was always concerned about you and that you did not have the benefit of a mother. But she became very involved with the Church and our friendship drifted apart. Then Ryan told me some time later she had lost her first child – stillborn, from what he said, and a couple of years later she bore a little boy. Shortly after I lost almost all contact, except for a few social occasions now and again. Rumor had it that Lord Cor had grown even more brutish and more piggish, and not many years later I found myself at the Church of Helm again, but this time, attending her funeral. That's the last time I set foot in a Church." He finished his wine in one large swallow. "Drusay!" he called loudly even though the man stood almost directly behind him.

Father was bidding us goodbye at the door. It was, for the most part, a successful evening. Hendak still had all his limbs and was still in mortal human form.

"Daughter, I shall drop by later in the ten-day for a chat – just to firm up some of the finer details of the party," and he kissed me gingerly on the cheek. Firm up finer details, my foot. He was coming over to see what details he could squeeze from me about Hendak's mother.

"Father, as I have told you before, please check with Charona before you do. You know I cannot just push a patient out the door because you show up," I hugged him.

Then he actually shook Hendak's hand and I thought I saw the glimmer of an honest smile as he bade us goodnight. We boarded the carriage and closed the door.

"Hendak," I said through gritted teeth. "I am going to kill you for springing that little bit of your mother's visit on me in front of Father!" I was almost yelling.

"Oh, my love, please do not be angry with me…" he started kissing my neck. "I thought you would be pleased that Mother would be here for the festivities."

"I am….er, I think I am…. But you could have told me beforehand!"

He was not going to let me stay angry. He kissed me and his hand moved quickly up the skirt of my dress and tugged gently at my panties. Within a moment he had wrested them from me and the lacey undergarment lay down around my shoes.

"Hendak!" I started to protest. "This is a public street! And then there is the driver. What about the driver?"

"Aye, but it is dark and you must simply try to subdue those little sounds you tend to make," and he kissed me again and reached to pull the shades on the carriage door windows. "No protestations, my love. I waited patiently all through dinner. It was all I could do not to drop my spoon on the floor. I kept thinking that in my attempt to retrieve it from under the table, I could indulge in my dessert before the main course." Had I not been so aroused from his expert fondling, the mere thought of Hendak delivering such an exquisite orgasm in the presence of my father would have been mortifying. But right now the fantasy was fueling my excitement.

He pulled his trousers down to his feet and gathered my silk skirts into a bundle around my waist. He gently lifted me around to face him and I straddled his lap, my knees comfortably lodged in the soft velvet padding of the carriage seat. The rolling motion of the carriage carried him easily inside me as he snuggly gripped my derrière with his hand.

"Hendak, we'll be home in twenty minutes," I said between short breaths. The uneven cobblestones of the street and the softened suspension of the carriage were working in tandem making a concerted contribution to the experience.

"Don't worry, love," he chuckled and kissed my throat. "I told the driver to take the 'scenic route.' It will be at least an hour and a half before we arrive." He kissed the tops of my breasts and began to unlace the bodice of my dress with his free hand.

I think I hummed all the way to the Promenade the next morning. I would never be able to take another carriage ride again without recalling the memories from last evening. Even remembering everything this morning made me slightly flushed.

"You look positively radiant today, Mistress," Ki said as I fed him his morning meal.

"You have to say that, Ki," I said. "You depend upon me for your succor." I chuckled and gently rubbed his head. I did so love that bird. He crunched noisily at the dish of seeds.

I sat down and pulled out Anomen's files.

"Ki, are you ready to transcribe Delryn's session?" I asked when I heard the crackling subside.

"Yes, Mistress," he replied and we began our interplay of questions and answers of the client. I wrote furiously while infusing my in-session notes with Ki's observations and exact recall.

Just before noon, I was finally able to get to the journal he recently delivered. I read intently.

As I expected, the entries held a sharper edge of 'now' to them. But after reading up and through Moira's death I noticed something decidedly missing from his entries. There were no references to himself as being 'evil,' or 'tainted' as he had so grievously expressed in his sessions. I put the book down and thought about it. I could only conclude that he did not feel or believe this prior to the death of Saerk's young daughter.

He had perpetrated a heinous act totally outside his accepted boundaries of behavior. He HAD to provide himself with a reason, an explanation for it in his own mind. Because he did not recognize the actions to be within that framework of his belief system, he was driven to find an external reason – not to divert responsibility or to allay the guilt, but to give himself a basis to deal with it. At the onset, he had accepted his father's reasoning that this was upholding the 'family honor,' but as evidenced by his later realizations, and once outside of his father's influence, this was not totally acceptable.

Not understanding how his father had manipulated him into the situation, he was then compelled to 'create' an external reason for his actions. Without benefit of logic or rationalization, he both formulated and adopted this belief of being his 'father's son' and assumed all the evil it implied as irrefutable fact. It was his way to accept responsibility for his acts thereby giving him the right to sentence himself to a life of punishment in believing he was everything he had always fought against.

Even reflecting upon his disassociation during the murder would have served as verification of this assumption. The 'good' Anomen – Anomen, high-minded and life dedicated to righteousness, his life of his own making – was watching from a distance and trying to control the 'bad' Anomen – Anomen, son of Cor, evil father's offspring.

The reality was that Anomen had gone to extraordinary lengths to gain his father's acceptance and had given himself over to that end. He had sacrificed everything, and after it was all over, he realized it had been a futile effort.

I picked up the journal again where I had left off. The murders were more explicit on paper than they were in his re-telling. He had taken great care to define these acts in the greatest detail that he would never forget what he had done. I had to force myself to carefully read the entries and then the successive ones.

I finally found the one I was expecting. The 'I am my father's son' entry. According to him, he had carefully examined everything and this was the only conclusion. Done. Fact. Immutable. He was doomed and un-redeemable.

The daily entries became almost abbreviated after that. Even the musings about Riona had substantially diminished. Then came the entry about his notification of his Test. The subsequent two entries covering the two days prior to his Test were filled with great anxiety and laced with the impending feeling of failure. Then the explicit details of his trip to the Great Hall of the Order of the Radiant Heart, his Test, the Judgment, and his expulsion. It was blistering. He had minced few words in relaying the exact details of the events or his attendant bitterness of the ignoble outcome. Strangely, however, he did not dwell upon it in later entries. But the undercurrent of change was evident in the subtlest of ways.

His thoughts and writing again returned to Riona, although, now they were almost bordering on the obsessive. Some of this, it appeared, was brought on by what appeared to be her attempts to initiate a more intimate relationship with him. Then I stumbled upon the entry that would detail the consummation of his obsession. I scanned quickly. No, this entry was not a dream. It was all real.

The Journal of Anomen Delryn

Day 9, Month of Flamerule, Year of 1369

Noontime –

We have not much further before we reach the outskirts of Trademeet. There we will set up camp before we go to visit the Mayor. He has graciously invited us as guests of honor for a town festival and Riona has accepted. A feast tonight and games tomorrow. It will be a most pleasant interlude from our weary road travel as a bit of revelry would be good for our little group.

Riona has grown most bold in the past few days. Her looks and her touches have become lingering and most familiar with my person. And the remembrance of her tantalizing kiss bestowed upon me the other evening still feverishly haunts me. Surely she knows her taunting stirs madness deep within me. I have to believe she has made her desires known and I must steel myself with courage and approach her. But my fear is greater than my desire. What if I cannot fulfill this woman that I love? What if I cannot give her the pleasure she so deserves? I have tried to educate myself in the knowledge and techniques of lovemaking, but I am inexperienced and I fear she will find me sorely lacking. I am vexed! Maybe I will ask Minsc as we set up the tents. Perhaps through his worldly and more experienced travels he can cast some light on my dilemma. I suspect that little rodent of his will have something to say, too, no doubt, but at this point, even Boo's suggestions might be worth consideration.

Mid-afternoon –

We have arrived and Minsc and I volunteered to set up camp that the ladies might bathe and rest at the nearby pool to prepare for the evening's festivities. I wouldn't mind washing off some of this grime and stench myself. Perhaps after they return I might sneak away and indulge myself in the cool, refreshing water.

I hinted to Minsc about how a man might 'approach' a woman – only in general terms - as we went about our labors.

'Ohhh, Riona,' he had said.

'Is it so obvious?' I asked him.

'Oh yes…,' he replied nodding. 'Even Boo can see the dance of flame between you and Riona, and if Boo can see the flame from where he sits in my pocket, the flame burns bright. Yes….' The little animal twittered and Minsc had listened intently.

'Yes, Boo says you must tell her what is in your heart. The words will come in their own way and time, and you will know when. The consummation of the dance of flame will follow as it has for thousands of years for all lovers in love.'

Ahg, that little rodent! Am I to take the advise of this furry little beast?

Bah! All is futile and I don't care anymore! I am going to go soak away these troubles then go to the festival where I shall gorge myself with roasted meats and hearty ale. Bah! I am going to abandon my silly dreams of Riona to the wind!

Bah! Curse you, my love, for what you have done to me! You have reduced me to a prideless, simpering man looking to the advise of a small hairy rodent named Boo!

Day 10, Month of Flamerule, Year of 13.

Morningtime –

Agh, I have failed miserably! An accomplished warrior might I be, but as a man enlightened with the real experience of pleasing and satisfying a woman, I am nothing. I must recount my failings lest I should ever think I would ever be worthy in Riona's bed again.

I was smitten all over again when she had emerged from her tent last evening, red hair flowing with threads of small pearls laced in small braids at the side of her face. She had brought a splendid golden silk dress with a lace-up bodice for the occasion. It was a wonderful departure from the rancorous metal garb of battle we must keep and she was exquisitely radiant.

At dusk, when all assembled, we covered the short distance into town where we were greeted by the Mayor, himself. We were then led to the town square where the evening's festivities were to take place. Long tables were set up and huge platters of meats and roasted vegetables were beginning to be delivered from the local inn's kitchens. Barrels of ale were being placed at strategic locations throughout the square. A dance floor with festive swinging lanterns had been erected at one end and the musicians were in the midst of arranging themselves. People had already begun to arrive. The Mayor bid us to sit at the head table with him. Frivolity was in the air!

The Mayor sat at my Lady's left and I to her right. We ate roasted boar and drank many cups of wine. Throughout the meal she repeatedly placed her hand (unseen from other's peering eyes, I might add) on the inside of my left thigh. At first I thought it was a bit 'familiar,' but dismissed it as simply an unconscious act on her part. But my Lady's boldness told me otherwise. She was slightly grazing my skin with her fingers and was dangerously close of more private areas.

Out of desperation and the fear that she venture too far with her attentions, I asked her to dance. She smiled very sweetly and accepted. I led her to the floor on the side of the Square and as we arrived, the musicians were playing a soft lilting melody. I took her into my arms. I knew it was now or never. Fortified with a small amount of drink, my fear was beginning to be dulled into submission.

'My Lady,' I whispered in her ear and swallowed hard. 'Might I talk to you as we dance?'

'Of course, Anomen,' she purred into my chest and I could feel her breath through my tunic. 'Anything you want, Anomen. Anything.'

'Since I failed my Test, my Lady, I have..I have been questioning my worthiness to assist you in the pursuit of your quest.'

'Oh, Anomen,' she moaned and nuzzled into my neck. 'Can we not talk of your perceived failures this night?'

I tried vainly to ignore her closeness, the smell of sweet honey flowers in her hair. She was more intoxicating than the drink.

'I..I want you to know that you, and being near you, is the only reason I have stayed. I…I can't bear the thought of not being with you to keep you safe, to protect you.'

'I know, Anomen…., I know.' And the music stopped. The dance was over. My heart was in my throat and as we stood there, I could say nothing. My fear had re-emerged with renewed pounding in my chest and stolen my very voice.

We removed ourselves to our gracious host's table. More wine was called for.

A while later my Lady arose and announced she was very tired, and if the Mayor would excuse her, she would make her way back to camp to rest for the following day of tournaments. She turned to me.

'That is, Anomen, if you will honor me with your escort.'

'Yes, my Lady,' and I proceeded to accompany her from the table. I fully expected the others to follow, but Minsc, seeing us leave, bid everyone stay for another round of ale and songs that he said thrilled Boo to no end.

The moon was full and the air was light and sweetly scented as we walked to our camp in relative quiet. I do not know where my words came from, or the courage to deliver them.

'My Lady, might I persuade you to come with me somewhere away from here lest our party return? My words are for you alone and no one else's ear.'

A curious look filled her face, 'Very well. I will go with you.' We followed the little stream down to the pool. She sat upon a flat rock as I knelt before her holding her hands.

'I..I want to talk in earnest of my feelings for you, Riona. My yearning for you is both true and honest. Nothing would make me happier than to please you…and to lay with you tonight.' By the Gods, I had said it! I couldn't believe my own voice! But I didn't stop there. 'I have dreamt about this moment, my lady, and I believe the moment is at hand. Here…in this place. It is up to you to decide if I am worthy of you.' She looked at me smiling but saying nothing. It seemed an eternal silence. 'This is me telling you of my desire and love. I want to listen to your heartbeat and I want you to feel mine.' I put her hand to my chest. 'I want to experience passion, Riona, and I want to experience it with you. Please do not deny me…I do not think I could stand it.'

'You are worthy, Anomen Delryn,' she replied. 'And I would be honored to share my bed with you this eve and all eves to come.' She stood and we kissed passionately.

We returned to camp to find that our party had not yet returned, and we entered her tent. She stood before me in the pale lantern light.

'My Lady,' I began to stammer, 'I…I…I know, but I do not know.' I felt my face blush with heat.

' You mean…'

'Yes, my Lady, I have read all the forbidden texts and studied them with great enthusiasm, and I have heard various of the Knights speak intimately of their lovers and their wives, but I have…I have never been with a woman.'

'Not even a woman of service?' she asked timidly.

'No, my Lady. I… I couldn't bring myself to touch even one, knowing my Father's lust for them helped to bring about the ruin and shame of my Mother.'

'Oh, Anomen, I have no experience, either,' she smiled and threw her arms around my neck. 'I, too, am a virgin, and I was so afraid I would not be able to please you as I was sure you had been pleased before. I was so afraid I would disappoint you! Now my heart is lighter. Come, we will explore and discover love together.'

With trembling hands I unlaced the bodice of her dress and pulled it back and down from her shoulders and arms. It softly pooled into a gold cloud around her feet.

'Do I..do I please you?" she asked shyly as I gazed upon her body before me.

'Oh yes, my love,' I breathed and reached to touch her arm. I needed to know this was real and she would not evaporate as one of my dreams.

She stepped to me across her golden pool and gently untied the sash around my tunic.

'You won't be needing this, I think,' she smiled at me and I let her disrobe me.

She pressed her body next to mine. I closed my eyes. By the Gods, I wanted to remember this moment for all my life. All I had dreamed of the past many weeks was within my grasp. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her and laid her to the blankets on the floor.

I wanted to touch her body. I wanted to see her every curve in the soft light. I reached out to touch her tender breast. She recoiled slightly. My touch was heavy and clumsy and I did not know the calluses on my hands could cause such discomfort. What did other warriors filled with battle do?

I stretched out beside her and caught her long red tresses under my arm as I attempted to embrace her. She winced and I quickly moved to free her hair from the burden of my arm. I was suddenly afraid to touch her. The knowledge of knowing what to do next suddenly left me. It evaporated from my mind and I suddenly had no recollection of how to begin to please her!

'Kiss me, Anomen,' she whispered sensing my panic. And she pulled my lips to hers in a long arduous kiss. My memory slowly began to return in a jumbled heap in my mind. I very gently began to alternately stroke her stomach and her derrière. I did not wish to impose my hardened hands upon her most private parts. I would have to make amends at a later date for my current neglect. That is, once I found out how to remedy the problem.

'Anomen, is something wrong?' she whispered.

'No, my love. Nothing is wrong. It is just that I am clumsy and I do not know and I am afraid I am going to hurt you,' I confessed.

'You will not hurt me. I am ready to give myself to you and I want you to give yourself to me. The rest will all come with time and we will learn together.'

'You do know there will be, er.. discomfort here at the beginning,' I began. She put her fingers to my lips to hush me.

'Yes, I know. And I know that your chatter is merely delaying the inevitable,' and she kissed me again.

I spread her thighs and proceeded to slowly enter her. There was the firm, fleshy resistance I had read about and heard so many soldiers laugh about. At the moment, their laughing seemed cruel. This was not funny business.

Riona gave a small gasp of pain and I felt her body tighten as the resistance gave way and let me fully take her to me. I very slowly and gently took her to me again and again until the pain was supplanted with an ease of motion between us.

There was no dream I ever had that could compare to me being with her. It was warm, it was sweet, it was real. I looked down into her soft gold and amber eyes. I never knew such love existed.

'Better?' I asked. She smiled, nodded, and closed her eyes.

It seemed like an eternity of bliss but after only a few minutes I was overcome with my own need of fulfillment and emptied myself into her. She pulled my face to hers and kissed me.

'My love, my love,' she whispered and held my face in her hands watching my face drain of my passion.

I was spent and I lay as dead weight upon her. She did not complain but gently stroked my back.

'I am sorry, my love,' I said. 'It..it was not as I had envisioned our first time together. You will never want to share your bed with me again.'

'That is not true, my Anomen. We will discover these things together, as it was meant to be. I have faith, Anomen, and so must you,' she whispered.

Boo was right. The dance of flame would continue and as time goes on, we will find our own ways of pleasing one another.

I wondered if he has any suggestions for the calluses….

I put down the journal. It was good for me to know that Riona was so devoted to him. It was going to hopefully make my task easier. He would be here tomorrow and after we worked though the Test, maybe I would have the opportunity of broaching the 'father's son' fallacy.

I began to make notes on his journal entries and before I knew it, the afternoon had passed. I slipped Anomen's letter from Moirala into my desk drawer and absent-mindedly set the music box back on the edge of my desk. I finished tidying up, fed Ki and readied to leave for the day.

It had been another beautiful spring day. I sensed clouds gathering once again and hurried home to the Coronet. I hoped it wouldn't storm and if it did, I hoped Hendak wouldn't tease me about it.

TO BE CONTINUED…….