The Angst And The Analyst

From the Journals and Papers of Dr. MorningGlory Gaeston

(Rated PG-13: Adult themes, mild language, mild violence)

Chapter VIII - Part 1

As usual, Anomen was right on time. Not a minute early, not a minute late. Charona announced him at my office door and offered freshly brewed tea.

"I would like a cup, please, Charona," I said. "And, you Anomen?"

"No thank you, Glory. Nothing for me," he smiled and seemed pleased to be here.

"Very well, Mistress," and Charona quietly closed the door behind her as she left.

Anomen took the chair and almost wallowed into its comfort. Quite a change from the first time he had entered my office. As usual, his eyes instinctively assessed the perimeter of the office and then settled on the music box at the corner of my desk.

"A good few days since we last met?" I asked, ignoring the immediate light furrows in his brow. He was obviously intrigued with the ornate musical instrument, and his fixed stare indicated recognition of it.

"Very good few days," he nodded, his attention remaining set. "Riona and I took advantage of the time off from the road and went to the sea shore for a brief restoration. She and I had time to discuss at length the things we covered here last session." His eyes did not move from the music box.

Charona knocked and entered with a tray. She had thoughtfully included two cups and a small plate of fresh pastries. 'Just in case,' her face said, as she delivered the refreshments and then quickly left.

"Glory, wherever did you find such an exquisite music box?" he asked leaning forward to examine it closely, but did not touch it.

"It was here when I took over the rooms," I said nonchalantly, still gauging his facial expression. It was slowly becoming more intense from curiosity.

"Do you mind?" he asked as he motioned toward it.

"Not at all. Please do." I motioned an approval as I filled a cup.

He lifted the box with extraordinary care and examined it closely without saying a word. The lines in his face softened and relaxed into nothingness. There was a look of tenderness - near boyishness - to him as the perused every corner of the regal artifact.

"Is there something of particular interest, Anomen?" I prompted him gently.

"Would you mind if I played it?" he asked sheepishly.

"Oh, please do."

He wound the key and tripped the lever. The melody began. And as it played, his face filled with an innocent sweetness of some long-ago time. He closed his eyes and a smile spread the width of his mouth. I did not interrupt his reverie until the box stopped.

"Do you recognize the tune?" I asked.

"Oh yes, Glory. This is the same tune as I listened to when a very small child in my Mother's arms at bedtime. She would rock me as I listened and fell asleep. She would sometimes hum along with the tinkly little sounds and sometimes make up words to go with the music. They were always different and told a story." His face mirrored the sweet blissful memories of the closeness of his mother. He re-examined the box.

"But in all of Faerun, I would have never guessed there would be two, identical music boxes so unique," he said shaking his head.

"What if I told you that I have every reason to believe that is the same music box that you listened to when you were a child," I began not knowing exactly where I was going to go with this. I smiled at him.

He looked at me in both amazement and somewhat disbelief.

"Oh, Glory, 'tis indeed would be a miracle. My..my father claimed all her things were taken or were given away after her death. But how do you know this was hers? How can you be so certain?"

"The box was given to a trusted friend by your Mother for safe keeping just a scant few days before her death. The instruction to her friend was that he not allow Lord Cor to know he had the box or the box's whereabouts. She had promised instruction on the disposition of the box but those instructions were never communicated. It has been in this 'friend's' possession all these years and in keeping with his initial promise to protect it from Lord Cor, he kept it secreted. Until, quite frankly, I happen to stumble upon it and he confided the story in me. I simply thought it might perhaps be something from your early childhood."

"And…this 'friend' of my Mother's –" he began, his tone bearing both curiosity and a slight note of dread.

"Simply that, Anomen," I reassured him. "Just a very trusted friend whose name is not important but kept his word to her all these years."

He accepted this.

"And," I added and smiled. "The music box has now been returned to its rightful owner. It's yours, Anomen."

"It's…it's mine?" he asked rather wide-eyed. "I… I have nothing of my Mother's as remembrance, only memories. Oh, Glory, how can I ever thank you!" He clasped the box close to his chest and gratitude washed across his face

"You can thank your God, Helm, as I think he had more to do with it than anything any one mortal has. I don't believe it was anything less than serendipity bestowed by one of the Deity – whether Helm or others." I replied. "I am just very glad it brings you joy and comfort, Anomen."

He sat for a moment smiling and caressing the box gently. I really did not want to interrupt the solace brought by this memory from his youth, but it was time to be about the other business at hand.

"Anomen, do you want to tell me about your Test?" I began.

He sighed heavily as he allowed me to guide his memory to the more unpleasant recent past.

"We were on the road and it was not long after the dreams of the girl had started to subside. In the back of my mind, I knew my Test was coming soon and I was agonizing over whether I was going to pass or going to fail." He paused. "Riona and I had numerous conversations about it."

"The Test of the Order?" I asked.

"Yes, Glory." He paused a long moment. "It was coming time and before I was even called to the Hall, I knew deep in my heart and soul that I would fail. One could not do as I had done and expect the Order to welcome them into their ranks with open arms." He sighed. "Riona told me I should not agonize or worry so much. What would be, would be and all would work out as it should."

"Anomen, what happened at your test?" I asked gently. I had read the official record, and I had read his journal, but I wanted to hear it in his own words. He smiled a very sad smile.

"I failed - to put it precisely. And not only did I fail my Test, but they exorcized me from the Order, just as they would any demon. I was ordered to leave and never return under threat of death. And as any demon in the midst of righteousness would do, I lashed out at them in my vile and wretched anger. I railed and screamed the most unholy obscenities at them in their sacred hall. And, I proved to them that I was no better than my father when he interrupted my squiring ceremony years before. I confirmed that I was my father's son, a demon seed, and not deserving of a Knighthood in the Order of the Radiant Heart. It says 'Radiant Heart,' I remember telling myself – not black heart." A thin-lipped smile of bitterness and disappointment crossed his face. "Yes, I had saved my family's honor, and, killed an innocent in the process, but at the price of the only dream I ever had. I was forcibly removed from their presence after that – and rightfully so - then set upon their doorstep with the admonishment to never again darken their hallowed Order."

"Why was being a Knight so important to you, Anomen?" I asked. He thought long and hard before he carefully answered me.

"It meant acceptance and respect, and it meant I had achieved a goal after so many years of endeavor," he replied. "I cannot remember ever dreaming of being anything else but a Knight of the Order.

"Once, my Mother brought me to the Great Hall to see the formal Knighting ceremony after a squire had passed his Test. She explained in great detail the trials he had experienced and that his Knighthood was the culmination of all his sacrifices and hard work. It was all so grand, as I remember. Everyone in attendance was dressed in all their finery and it was a very solemn, almost religious, affair. I was very small, however, and I could not see very much from our position in the back of the hall. I encouraged Mother that we should move nearer, to better position ourselves to see the actual ceremony once it began, but she was timid and afraid we might possibly intrude upon the Knight's family and friends. I did glimpse the Knight through the crowd, as he stood at the far end of the hall - he and the others in the ceremony elevated on a stage of some sort." His memory was clear and vivid. "I remember he was almost glowing in his brilliant white garb. What caught my attention was the crimson sash with the Order's gold emblem emblazoned upon it as it lay draped over his shoulder. At that moment he turned to face the crowd, and, strangely enough - for just a brief moment - I thought he was staring straight at me," he paused and smiled to himself. "I knew I was in the presence of greatness, and I felt lifted and honored just being there. Even at that early age.

"Then the actual ceremony began. All in the hall were reverently quiet as the Knight stood before the Prelate and in a voice full of resolve recited his vows to his God, Helm, the God Torm, the witnesses in attendance, and his new Brethren in the Order. The Prelate then presented him with his shield and sword and bade him to go forth and do the good business of the Order. The horns then toned their welcome of his countenance into the group of the Chosen. Cheers and good wishes rang out from every corner of the room. The people were jubilant." He paused again and smiled. "My Mother was so moved by it all, she began to softly weep and she bade us leave for home as not to be embarrassed by such a public display of emotion. I didn't want to go – it was happy and festive - and I pleaded with her that we stay just long enough that I might meet this Knight. I had never met a Knight before. My appeal just seemed to upset her all the more and we quickly left amid a few stares from those standing near us.

"As we were returning home, she told me, 'Anomen, someday I want to see you up there receiving your sword and shield, and your own crimson sash' and she smiled and kissed me." He stopped, again, briefly lost in reliving the memory. He snapped to the present.

"I am just thankful she did not live to see me fail so miserably," he added sadly. "She..she would have been devastated at my performance and I don't know if I could have survived disappointing her."

"Anomen, do you think that being a Knight would have changed how you have approached the many quests you have set about over the past three years? Would you have done anything differently, for example, when you helped Hendak free the slaves and break up the cartel?" I asked. He sat in thought for a moment.

"No, I do not think I would have done anything any differently. Right is right. I believe that human bondage and forced servitude is wrong. The Gods did not mean us to perpetrate such a crime against any person of any race."

"Then I think it begs the question, Anomen, have your beliefs of right and wrong changed because you did not become a Knight? Do you truly live your life any differently than if you were a Knight?"

Again, he thought long and hard. "Probably not. My sense of what is right and what is wrong has not changed. I am not saddled with the pomp and circumstance, but neither do I have… validation, or acceptance."

"Who is the most important person in the world to you?" I decided to slightly veer the direction.

"Riona, of course. I love her and we are to be married at some point in the near future."

"Do you think it matters to her if you are a Knight or not?"

He did not answer immediately.

"She has told me that it matters not to her. That she loves me for me, not for any title I might have."

"Do you, in your heart of hearts believe that is 'validation and acceptance?' Maybe not as the rest of the world sees you, but in the matter of the one you hold most dear?"

"Ye..yes, I suppose it is. But I wanted her to be proud of me and my accomplishments."

"Are you saying she is not proud of you?"

"No, I know she is proud of me." He seemed perplexed at his own admission.

"Did you not consider that she is proud of who you are inside and not for the banner you wear on your chest?"

"I wanted to be her 'Sir Anomen'. I wanted to be her knight."

"And do you not know you already hold that place in her heart? Regardless of what the Order has dictated to the outside world, do you believe in your heart of hearts that you are Riona's knight? Does she not believe in you? Anomen, you have accomplished many good and wonderful things since you failed your test. More than many Knights accomplish within a whole lifetime. But above all else, you are the man she loves and trusts above all else to be pure of heart, to love her, and to be at her side."

He looked at me square on.

"Yes, I believe I am all those things and, I hope, more to her."

"Then let me pose the question to you. Short of the Radiant Order's formal 'validation,' and their Shield, and a cold lonely room at the Hall, what makes you any different in your heart, or deeds, from any of the Knights of the Order, except that you may have accomplished more good in a shorter amount of time?"

He actually smiled.

"I have never in my heart abandoned my vows I made to the Order. I broke them in an uncontrollable rage that they found unforgivable. And I may never be able to forgive myself for the slaughter of that young girl. But, Riona loves me. And she loves me for all that I am, and she accepts me as I am."

"Wouldn't you agree that is a more important validation than that offered by total strangers?" I inquired, almost rhetorically.

He looked at me and blinked. "I… I guess it is, Glory." It was a thoughtful revelation.

Very good, Delryn, I thought. Now we are making progress.

We proceeded to cover more of the aftermath of his Test. The recriminations, the self-doubt, and the eventual acceptance of the Order's decision. It was the painful litany of a defeated dream.

Our time was soon up and Anomen prepared to leave.

"Anomen, would you mind returning in the morning for another session, your schedule permitting, of course." I asked.

"No, that would be fine," he seemed puzzled.

"And, if I may ask another favor. If I might be able to keep the music box until then?" I knew that would really puzzle him, but I had an idea that I prayed was from one of the more benevolent Gods.

"If..if you must," he said.

There is a reason and I assure you no harm will come to it between now and the time you return," I said. "All will be made clear tomorrow. You will just have to trust me."

"Very well," he nodded, still perplexed and slightly reluctant to leave it once again on my desk. "I do trust you, Glory."

Delryn left and the moment I knew he was out of the office and safely out onto the Promenade, I called to Charona.

"Charona, would you mind running next door and getting two knock scrolls and have someone over there write a scroll for a simple magic ward that we can use on the music box?"

Charona appeared at the door.

"Did I hear you correctly, Mistress?"

"Yes, Charona, you did. I am going to return Delryn's letter to the music box and let him 'discover' it on his own." When I heard it with my own ears, even I questioned the sagacity of my snap decision. Without a question, Charona turned and left to procure the spells.

I removed the scroll from my desk drawer. This was going to take real 'musical talent' to accomplish this. I carefully frayed one corner of the pink ribbon and pulled a slender thread free. I prayed that whatever God had seen fit to wrap it around the tine in the first place would guide my mortal hand to duplicate the effort.

Charona returned with the scrolls.

"Charona, open up that thing for me, please," I asked. She turned it over on my desk and proceeded to read the 'knock.' As before, the bottom glowed momentarily and slid open. She watched intently as I performed 'emergency surgery,' and re-inserted the scroll into the cavity. I then took the thread from the frayed end and, as best as I could remember, tucked it around the lower register tine. It finally appeared as it did when Sir Ryan and I first opened it.

"You can now close up the, er, patient, Charona," I nodded all the while offering supplication to almost any God who might be listening. She intoned the incantation and the bottom briefly glowed and slid shut. Sealed. Now for the true test.

I wound the key and flipped the lever.

"Da, da, de, da, da, de, da, da, de, 'pong'," it tuned.

"Pong," we both said in unison. Absolutely perfect. We were prepared for young Delryn to pick up his music box the next morning, but he was going to get more than just a music box. If he proceeded as I hoped, he would have a whole new outlook on his life. What a wonderful gift from a child's musical fantasy.

"Charona, send a message to Sir Ryan. Tell him to be here at quarter past mid-morn tomorrow. Not a minute sooner and not a minute later. He will understand. And in case I forget, when he does arrive tomorrow, keep him in the outer office with you until I come and get him." Now, I REALLY had Charona perplexed.

"But, Mistress, Anomen will be here for his appointment as you requested."

"Yes, Charona, that is exactly right. Oh, and send a messenger to young Delryn and ask him to please bring Riona with him. I would sincerely like to meet her, and I am sure I will be able to use her kind assistance if the need arises."

"Yes, Mistress." Poor Charona. She was perplexed, she was vexed, and she was seriously questioning my sanity in her own mind.

"Well, Moirala, you wanted this all out in the open, and By the Gods, it will be. We will remove your son's belief of a taint from his 'father' once and for all," I whispered to myself. "And, wherever you are, Moirala, and if you are watching this unfold, I pray you to ask Helm and anyone else who might listen, for guidance for me."

To Be Continued…….