Disclaimer: As chapter one; so please, for the love of God, do not make me keep writing it out people!
WARNING: BAD LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND SOME SEXUAL REFERENCES (though not too graphic) SO READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
All reviews, and constructive criticism, gratefully received – but no flaming please; and I will try to update regularly.
'Thoughts'
"Speech"
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Bethan & Lucan
Chapter Twenty-Five – Turning Point
"I hope we have done the right thing?" Galahad said as he stood a little behind Lancelot.
"We did as Milo asked; what else could we do?" He sighed "We are trying to help them, that is all we must remember."
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Bethan burst into the meeting room and saw Gawain sitting talking to Arthur and Guinevere. Her anger, grief and guilt all got the better of her; she let rip at the one she loved more than her own life and she did not care who was there to hear it.
"You cowardly git!" she spat, striding over to Gawain who just gawped at her "How can you bloody leave when they are virtually holding me prisoner!"
Gawain went to speak, but she carried on "I do not give a fart about what you have got to say! They have locked me out - the children have locked me out; all because of you. They do no give a damn about me…they do not, and Galahad is giving me a nothing but crap; something he hasnever done before….
Why? Why is my life being slowly crushed around me? You – you are the reason Gawain; you own me….dear God help me, but you do – you own every fibre of me…..and because I feel bad, so bad about Lucan; that I did not ever feel that way about him and I cannot reconcile that yet, the rest of them are making my sodding life even more miserable than it already is!
I have a brother to tend who called me Bethan! he has never called me that; and, apparently, he broke his own leg to keep me here in the fort. God alone only knows what else he has done - apart from coach our children to hate me for not throwing myself at you!" she was breathing heavily.
"If anyone has got good reason to leave then it is me, trust me…..I have lost…." She fought the tears "So much and I stand to lose even more it seems and…oh who gives a bloody damn! I do not anymore; you do not have to leave….I amgoing - then you can all commiserate with yourselves as to what an awful person I was and how wonderful it is without me!" She turned and strode out of the room – cannoning into the knights who were all outside.
"You blood bunch of children! Honest to God, you really are…..well, satisfied? I am leaving; I am going and good bloody riddance….."
"What in Hades are you on about woman!" Gawain had followed her, now he was mad "I have not the faintest idea what you are raving about? I am not leaving…no one is….."
"They…." She turned to indicate the others, particularly Lancelot and Galahad, only to find not a soul there "COWARDS!" she called out after them.
Gawain spun her round, he was mad now and very close to breaking point "You think you are the only one with a problem? How do you think it is for me? To tell a woman you love her to the very fibre of your being and then be rejected because she feels guilty for loving you more than a dead husband!
You are not the only whose feeling guilty Bethan….nay, not by a long chalk….shall I tell you why? Do you want to know what you have done to me? Want to know how you have haunted my dreams and cursed my days for so long now?
I loved you before Lucan died! I was not jealous of how you were with Darry - I was jealous of him! I know what it feels like to feel guilty because I did not love enough; I did not love my Ysabeau as deeply as I should - instead my love waited for you! My love for Ysabeau was a pond compared to the ocean I feel for you!
Lucan was my friend, and I loved his wife to the point where I would lay awake at night trying not to think of them together! How I would ache to hold her in my arms and kiss her, but then would see them together and burn with jealousy!
I wonder did I do enough to save him that day? I ran, aye I did…I tried to save him, tried to make him live for you….the Gods know how I would have fought to stay by your side, when he….he just gave up….but was it my fault? Did I just not try hard enough?
They say I did; even Dagonet says I was the perfect friend, I did all I could to save him…but did I? Why did he die! I would have fought tooth and nail to stay with you Bethan - but he gave up! I knew he knew I loved you, I knew because whenever he wanted to talk he came to me; and it was always about you. He knew how much I loved you – you are in me….in ways I could never rid myself of…you control my world Bethan!
So when it comes to guilt I have the lion's share - so DO NOT act the injured party, because you are not the only one suffering here!"
He pulled her roughly to him and lowered his head; she closed her eyes. If he kissed her now she could no longer fight it; she was his, heart, body and soul, guilt or no she would not be able to do aught but love him until the end of eternity and beyond….
Then let her go, so abruptly, she fell over; her eyes wide with shock. She had never seen Gawain so angry or….tortured.
She got slowly to her feet and walked back to their room; not knowing that was where Gawain had gone…
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The knights, who had been watching round the corner, groaned in unison as they saw victory eaten by the jaws of defeat.
"What in Hades do we have to do?" Bors was almost beside himself with frustration "I mean…bloody hell!"
"Wait…did you see her face?" Arthur queried.
"She would have given in - I saw it, if he had but kissed her…..she would have never been able to hold out" Guinevere confirmed.
"You think?" Galahad was a little hopeful.
"Well, that is just bloody wonderful! How the bloody hell are we going to get him to kiss her?" Bors felt like he was losing his mind over this. He had never met such a stubborn bloody pair as these two.
"Look the children have locked her out, we just need to let them know to keep it up a bit longer; she will turn to him because she will have no one else…."
"She has got us….." Galahad pointed out.
"Not really, she thinks you hate her; she knows Bors and Lancelot are fed up with it, as are Dag and Ilara. Her mother and father are really only just supporting her because they are worried about Milo; Arthur and I will ensure we are too busy - so that only leaves Gawain.
So long as Van and Amila do not help her, we have her cornered" Smiled Guinevere in satisfaction.
"Does anyone else have a problem with how we are manipulating her?" Galahad sighed.
"Nay, if she had just allowed herself to be with him in the first place then we would not be doing this. I think we should do the lock out and stuff on Gawain too - that way they have really only got each other." Lancelot stated.
"Agreed; it should work….." Arthur said.
"Aye, of course - like it bloody did this day; I was convinced it would work this time!" Bors sighed.
"Well, we keep trying" said Milo as he limped towards them, followed by the other children. "It is working, but taking longer than we thought. They are just more stubborn than we anticipated; but we will get them in the end - we will." He sighed.
Arthur looked at the boy "Are you alright Milo? You look a little pale…."
"I fare well, Arthur thank you." he smiled tiredly "My leg pains me though and I have difficulty sleeping. It was worth it; .if it helps, it was worth it…"
"You are a brave boy…" Dagonet said "It will work Milo - we will make it work."
"I know Dag…I know…"
"Do you ever wish you had not done it?" Bors asked sympathetically, nodding at his leg.
"Every night Bors……every night!" He laughed "But if it had worked it would be have been worth it, to save all this. I had to take the chance…"
"Aye lad, but you have my pride in you for even doing it. I am not sure I could have…"
"Neither am I…." Lancelot agreed, Galahad nodded.
"I am glad to hear it; I do not really want to find my knights running around shattering their own limbs, no matter how worthy the cause!" Arthur laughed.
"Where is my sister?"
"Actually we do not know; I think she went off to their room." Lancelot noted.
"But that is where Gawain went!" They all broke into a run, with Dagonet picking Milo up.
"We do not want you missing anything do we lad?" he grinned at the boy.
"I love you Dag" Milo smiled, and kissed the gentle knight's cheek.
Dagonet hugged the boy tightly…………….for one moment, one brief small moment, it was almost as if he had Lucan back.
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As they reached the room Bethan shared with Gawain they could hear the pair shouting…
"Well, we can safely say that the old fiery Bethan is back!" Bors volunteered with a grin.
"Sexual tension!" grinned Lancelot hugging Amila who had come running up on hearing the commotion "Gets 'em every time!"
Sandrina grimaced at the language her daughter was using "Should we not intervene?"
"Are you jesting? We have finally got them together even if it is shouting….now we just have to get them to kiss!" declared Bors.
San turned to her son "I cannot believe what you did Milo; but I love you for going to such lengths for your sister. But if you ever do it again…I will kill you!" She hugged the boy tightly as Dag set him on the ground.
He turned to the large knight "Dag? It would be a big help if you could hold me for a bit, it takes the pressure off my leg and Papa is out scouting or else I would not bother you."
"Tis no bother Milo…." Dagonet said as he once again swept the young boy gently into his arms "I will always be here to help you." and he hugged him tightly to him once more.
Everyone thought it would now be just hours until they wore each other down…. unfortunately it did not work out that way.
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Six months later all was the same, almost all - Milo was back on his feet, but he was sickening for something.
Dagonet had become a regular visitor to the young boy's room and Tristan himself was now frantic with worry; even though he did not show it beyond his brother knights and Merlin.
"What is it?" He finally asked Merlin one day, as they left his room.
"It is all this business with Gawain and Bethan; he adores them both and cannot speak to them. He must ensure even their own children do not speak to them as well as all the children of the fort. He is a natural leader Tristan that is true, but he is still only a few months from 11 summers. He is young for this much responsibility."
"Is there anything we can do?" Dagonet asked.
"Bring this situation to a speedy conclusion; tell them they are killing him - for in a way they are." He walked away.
Tristan rubbed a hand over his eyes "Right, I have had enough." He listened as the shouting started again….
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He stormed into the room, flinging the door open so hard it rocked on its hinges. "That is enough Bethan…." he stated, before stopping. They were inches apart and Gawain had her in his arms without even realising it – though they had borne witness to this many times over the last few months naught ever came of it, still he wished he had waited a moment more….this time….mayhap. He surveyed his daughter and his friend "Your brother is dying and you are the ones killing him."
"Tis true" Dagonet answered "The stress of not being at peace with you, and keeping all the children tied to the lock out is proving too much for him."
"I already knew he was sickening; I felt it…" she sighed heavily.
She went to brush past Gawain, glancing up as she did so. He closed his eyes tight as his body made brief contact with hers, the anger still holding her rigid – she melted at that moment, the hurt and pain in his face was almost palpable.
They knew why they were constantly fighting; something they had never really done until now - to stop themselves from kissing, making love; from finally owning each other in every way; to stop themselves doing….what? From doing what their souls cried out for…..release - freedom for the halves to finally become the whole it was meant to be.
But this was too much; she could not let her brother die. She grasped his hand, his eyes flew open "Bethan?"
"We must help my brother…." He nodded and followed her out "Can you stay with the children?" she asked her father and Dagonet. Both nodded.
As they walked to the room she turned to him "I cannot own I am happy with what I am about to say - I do not know what fresh tortures I am about to impart on us….but we need Milo to think all is well, I will not lose him too."
"I understand – what do you wish to do?"
"Let him believe all is well and we are one."
"How do you intend to do that?"
"Just the odd kiss….regaining the friendship that we once had before….before I got injured."
"I see….you mean to manipulate him as he has you."
"Nay Gawain, I wish only to help him….look, it has been nearly 2 years since Lucan died, and 3 years since Ysabeau passed, we need to talk about…." she hesitated as she felt those dark green eyes upon her, the warmth of his hand grasping hers; she felt herself swaying towards him…and pulled back "but not now; now we need to save Milo."
He nodded and then pulled her tightly against him "But I do not know how long I could pretend" his head dipped to hers "before falsehood became a reality." His voice was heavy with emotion; his lips a hairs breath from hers, she could feel his breath on her mouth……and then he pulled away, smiling at the way she had closed her eyes.
He knew he was winning, wearing her down – they had been this close many times over the last few months, and each time she resisted a little less. But he worried for the boy; he would speak to him without her around.
They entered his room "Milo?"
He turned and she gasped, even Gawain started – the boy in front of them was pale and lifeless; his deep brown eyes like his father's, were emotionless. He stared at her - never once breaking the lock out, no more than he had for the few weeks he had allowed her to attend his leg before deciding he would rather Dagonet do it; Dagonet who he was now so close to.
"Milo, we give in…."
He continued to stare.
"What I mean to say is you have caused us to…." she searched for the right words.
"Have a heart to heart on the way here and we realise we are only fighting the inevitable…" Gawain finished.
Milo noticed they were holding hands, in fact he noticed they only seemed to realise it at the same time he did. He knew they were lying, the way Bethan quickly pulled her hand from the warmth of Gawain's….but he thought this was finally aught he could work with. What started out as a thing of convenience could quickly be fanned into what he knew was the fire just under the surface. He continued to stare.
Bethan sighed and looked at Gawain, he read the message in her eyes and bent his head; her mind was telling her to run, run away because if he kissed her there would be no turning back….but she told it to shut up, she was in control and it was merely a kiss. She would be fine.
His lips touched hers oh so lightly and gently, a gossamer touch of butterfly wings. He almost smiled as he felt her lean into him, unconsciously winding her arms round his neck and into his hair….….and that one small gesture was nearly his undoing - he could have picked her up then, taken her to their room and not let her out until she was his in every way.
But instead he pulled back even as she started deepening the kiss - her tongue flicking at his bottom lip, her feelings overcoming her restraint "Gawain?" her eyes fluttered open as she felt his warm lips part from hers….and then realisation dawned.
He smiled at her "I think he is convinced, look….." She glanced at her brother who was trying to get out of bed to hug her.
"Befan….oh Befan I have missed you….I have missed you my sister….my Kêmtir Mader! And you Gawain!" He knew he had them - they maybe lying with their mouths and minds, but that kiss came from the heart.
She did not look at Gawain as her cheeks flared, even as she flew to Milo and hugged him tightly – tears pooling in her eyes though they did not fall….
"Never do this to me again Milo….never ever do this to me again….I can stand aught except losing you my little man…." She hugged him so tightly he could not breathe.
"Or Gawain…." He gasped.
"What?" she loosened her grip.
Or losing Gawain; you could not bear to lose him either now could you?"
"I never could stand that" she muttered.
"What?"
She repeated it a little louder though still trying to ensure Gawain never heard her. "I still did not hear you…"
"I never could stand that…" she sighed. This was going to be nigh on impossible, Milo would be watching; but at least she would have missions again now and of course when they were alone with the children things could be a little less tense.
But would they? That was why they were arguing, trying to fight……dear God what was she going to do? Nay, there was no need to panic….none; she knew it was right that she suffered so; she had no right to happiness.
"Befan can I come stay with you?"
"What?"
"I will not get in the way I promise….I just need to be with you for a little while" he pleaded, 'just until I get you two together' he thought.
"Well, what do you think Gawain?" she gave him a look that begged him to say nay…
"I think that is a brilliant idea Bethan; he has missed you as much as you have missed him, so it would be nice for the two of you to spend time together." The smile he gave Milo, seemed almost conspiratorial.
She sighed….this was going to go badly for her, she could feel it - she was now swimming against the tide. It was only a matter of time before she drowned, she looked at Gawain chatting to Milo - she would drown in him and his love for her, and her for him; she could feel it already, the guilt waning….the longing building…her resolve weakening.
But why was she fighting it now? She could not go back and change things with Lucan, no more than he could with Ysabeau. He seemed to have made peace with all the guilt that had been eating him alive since his confession after her injury.
Could she do the same? It had been 2 years almost since Lucan died, 2 years of self hate and recriminations - and for what? To be put through hell these last few months; and worse, to do the same to him, he who deserved it least - but then she had not been good to Lucan, had not loved him as she should….she did not deserve happiness.
She sighed and rubbed a hand over her face. "Why do you not go and see to Darry and Tris and I will help Milo move?" Gawain spoke gently.
She smiled gratefully "Thank you Gawain…." She bent over to kiss his cheek; as she went to, he turned his head and their lips met in a hard kiss…..albeit briefly, but it was enough to once again have her senses reeling.
After she had gone, Gawain turned to Milo "I need your help…"
"I see" the boy grinned "What can I do?"
"You know in her mind this is all a ruse, right?"
"Of course…though the kiss tells me you have already given in and she is fighting a losing battle against the inevitable."
"Well, I cannot stand to love her this much and from this far….."
"But I have tried everything…."
"Not this, the whole 'keep things nice for Milo until he gets well'….that has not been done. Would you?"
"Of course, I can also make sure the other children follow you around; they do mostly anyway, but Befan will know I will be reported back to. You might want Arthur to confine her to the fort, on my behalf or something…" they smiled at each other.
"It is good to have you back Milo…I have missed you muchly." He hugged the boy tightly, whilst they smiled at the use of Darry's phrase.
Darry and Tris came in with Van; they looked straight at Milo who nodded "PAPA!" they screamed, which brought Bethan running. The sight of Gawain with both the children in his arms was nearly her undoing.
He was hugging them tightly, tears in his eyes as her brother looked on adoringly. "Mama!" Tris spotted her and squirmed down before dragging Darry with him "Mama, huggle!" She picked them both up and squeezed them tight.
"I have missed you little ones talking to me…." She laughed.
Van grinned. She ambled over to Milo "How goes it?"
"They kissed" He whispered "for my benefit; but Gawain wants my help and she is weakening with every moment that passes. I can see her questioning her reasoning now too."
Van nodded with a grin and left.
"I will carry him and then come back for his mattress" Gawain said.
"Wait, the last time he stayed you had to sleep in the bed with me…remember? There was no space for the cot…"
"So why should that matter now you and Gawain are together?" Milo interrupted, with an innocent look an angel would be proud of.
Bethan sighed and closed her eyes briefly; destiny was conspiring against her she could feel it. She could fight him, she could fight all of them…but she could not fight fate as well….but still…..
"Nay Milo, that is absolutely right. I do not know what I was thinking there…" she smiled wearily.
Bethan left with the children and Gawain followed her out with Milo….as they were leaving Eight, Nine and Ten ambled up. "How goes it Milo?"
"Well….they are together…." He winked and shook his head, "Gawain can you put me down?" the knight smiled and lowered him to the ground.
"I will take your mattress and come back…." The boy nodded.
"Well?" Eight asked as soon as they were alone.
"They are not really; she is pretending…" the others understood – Bethan was playing a role, but one they would all make a reality.
"What of him?"
"He is on our side now; he has made peace with all that was troubling him" Milo grinned. "I need to speak to him further, but the tide could finally be turning in our favour…."
"The Goddess knows what you have put yourself through for it Milo…" Suriana walked up, looped her arm round his waist and leaned her head on his shoulder "I hope you are right this time…"
"Who knew my sister was so stubborn!" he grinned. "I will let you know when I have spoken to Gawain what the outcome is - but the lock out is over. We have to let her think we believe her."
Suriana smiled, he would live and all would be well – she knew how the adults had worried, especially Uncle Dagonet and Uncle Tristan.
She never doubted her Milo - he was all to her, she loved him with all her little heart and soul. He would be a great man, and she believed him when he said she would be his wife. But she had feared she too would have to do the 'tie that binds' when he was so sick….for she would not lose him; nay, she would not ever lose him.
They spotted Bethan walking towards them.
"Need your room?" Nine asked nonchalantly.
"Nay. I am staying with Bethan and Gawain for a few days, maybe a week - until I am well." He saw his sister sigh once more and stifled the smile. 'I can be more stubborn than you my little mother, and I now have something to live for!' he thought.
"Good, then we will have it…we could do with a break from our army!" they grinned innocently at Bethan, before Eight spoke to her "It is good to be able to talk to you again Bethan, we will let the others know for you Milo."
"Thank you…oh, and Eight? Let them know everything…" he winked again.
Bethan closed her eyes; her only line of escape had just been closed. Tonight was going to be……interesting - please God let the children want to sleep between them for once, for she was fearful of what she would do in her sleep with his arms around her…
As it was, it appeared that God was on the side of Destiny this time……
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Gawain took Milo to one side as he lifted him into his arms "we need to talk to the others too; this will only work if we have everyone on side." He whispered winking at the boy. Milo knew then that no matter what demons his sister still carried with her, Gawain at least had made peace with his.
The lad flung his arms round his neck and hugged him tightly "I love you Gawain, my brother….I do." He whispered, before saying more loudly "Can you me to the tavern please Gawain?"
"I am just taking Milo to the tavern to let them know the lock-out is over…" he called to Bethan; before saying quietly to the young boy "and I love you my Little Captain; more than you will ever know…" his voice thick with emotion.
"Fine, fine….stay as long as you want, I will call you when the food for lunch is ready!" she sounded so relieved that both Milo and Gawain had to smile.
"Just give me some time to get my thoughts untied; for you muddle me up Gawain, and I cannot think straight when you are so near" she muttered unaware that it had been loud enough for both of them to hear her.
"We are winning" Milo grinned.
"Hmm….but she is driving me almost as insane."
"What is your plan?" Milo asked as they walked to the tavern.
"Only to carry on as we are - when she finds out the truth, and she will for there are no flies on our Bethan, she will be as mad as Hades but I will deal with that. I only know I cannot live without her in my life, the last few months have been little short of hell; and for her too. It has got to stop Milo."
"Then I have a plan…." The boy smiled.
"I never doubted it for a moment!" Gawain grinned.
"This is what we need to do……." They discussed it together, and then with the other knights.
It was simple and for once all thought it would work; all they had to do was ensure that she and Gawain had to constantly have someone around so they could 'pretend' their love; eventually there would be no pretending - of course Tris and Darry were the best weapons they had…..
Milo gathered the children and told them "This is all that has to happen….." They began to giggle; this plan would be fun!
Tristan took his son to one side "Never frighten us like that again boy…I will not tolerate it." He hugged the boy and kissed his hair.
"I love you Papa, but the worry of it all made me sick."
"Do not worry Uncle Tristan, I would have done the 'tie that binds' – I would not have let him die" Suriana piped up.
Milo gaped "You would do that for me?"
"Of course, I love you Milo….heart and soul I am yours." She stated emphatically, before hugging him tightly.
The young boy hugged her back, smiling into her hair "as I am yours Suriana, as I am yours."
Lancelot and Tristan exchanged a look "It seems we are to be more than brothers!" Lancelot laughed.
Tristan grinned "aye it does; but not yet a while, we have enough trauma to deal with at the moment!"
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That night Galahad spent the evening with them; Alisia also came too. They chatted about this and that….
Bethan tried to sit on the bed or by Milo on his mattress, but every time she did so the other couple looked at her. In the end she had no choice but to sit in front of Gawain. After a few minutes the fire lulled her, and without thinking she put her head in his lap and he stroked her hair as he talked of all Arthur hoped to achieve here.
He grinned over the top of her head at Galahad. Alisia too was pleased; she thought that Bethan was being unreasonably stubborn towards her feelings for Gawain. She loved her brother in law and was upset at the way he had been treated.
If Bethan suffered a little too because of all this nonsense then all to the better; she smiled, mayhap she and Gal could get them to kiss before they left? She leant over and whispered into Galahad's ear…
He smiled "We could try I suppose…."
Gawain raised a questioning eyebrow and his brother made kissing movements with his lips pointing to an almost hypnotised Bethan. Gawain began to chuckle, which startled Bethan out of her reverie.
She had missed this, God how she had missed this….the way he calmed her soul, no matter how things were raging round her he could always make her feel calm and in control.
Except now he was the reason she was not in control. Gawain saw her jump, and smiled. He had missed this, missed it more than she would ever know….just being able to touch her, however small the gesture.
Galahad nodded to him. "Is all well Gawain?" They knew her guilt would goad her briefly now - they were right.
She leapt to her feet "Do you…umm….want some ale?" She motioned to the jug.
"Thank you!" said Galahad holding out his mug.
"Aye, thank you." said Gawain, holding his out – he lifted his head for her to kiss him, she sighed and bent her head; a quick kiss…just a touch, she could do that…no problem…easy….
She was still pouring the ale….his lips touched hers gently, they moved so softly over hers she felt her mind leaving, her senses taking over….one hand pulling his head closer…..then "Bethan!"
Galahad was laughing like a drain as was Alisia; she had emptied the contents of the jug into the mug…….which had in turn deposited the overspill into Gawain's lap!
"Sorry, sorry! Idiot! Dolt!" She berated herself.
"I am glad to see I have such an effect on you" Gawain murmured against her lips "it makes it all the more…..believable."
She was blushing scarlet and rushed to get a cloth to mop up the mess. Gawain and Galahad grinned at each other. Milo had to turn over on his bed so she would not see him laughing. 'Sister, sister…you do not stand a chance now!' he thought.
She resolutely refused to look as Gawain changed his breeches much to everyone's mirth; instead she pretended to make small talk with Alisia. She only relaxed when the two men stepped outside.
Galahad turned to Gawain "Why in the name of the Gods did you not do this before?"
"I could not get close enough; it was only Milo sickening that made her think of it herself. That is another thing in our favour; if she ever tries to tell me off, I can say it was all her idea!" They laughed.
"It is good to have you back brother…" Galahad embraced the other knight and slapped him on the back "I have long missed you…."
Gawain returned the hug "Aye, I have neglected my twin too long."
"Why?"
"Honestly? I was heartsick about Ysabeau and thought that Alisia would hate me; especially over my feelings for Bethan. So I thought it best to avoid causing you any grief…."
Galahad shook his head "I would never have forsaken you brother - you are blood tied to me Gawain. As far as I am concerned we are brothers; if my own mother had birthed you as well as me, I could not feel closer to you." Tears formed in his eyes "Never doubt my love or loyalty again - I will always be there for you."
Gawain found a lump in his throat and could not trust himself to say much "I feel the same Gal……I do; I only wished to avoid conflict for you. But you too are brother blood to me…" they embraced again, this time Gawain slapping his brother on the back.
"We should get back inside before she regains control of her senses!" Galahad laughed. "Let us see if we cannot get you another kiss…….only this time without the ale bath!"
Back inside Alisia had been speaking to Bethan of her feelings for Gawain. Bethan did not lie, there was no point and it would only reinforce their pretence anyway.
But even for her reality and pretence were clouding, merging, so that she did not know where one began and the other ended. But was not that the same as she and Gawain….never knowing where she began and he finished?
"So you love him then?"
"Aye….aye, I do."
"So much you have spent the last six months torturing him?"
"I tortured myself too Alisia; I am sorry if I angered you…" she cast down her eyes.
Alisia was angry and yet at the same time she pitied the young woman before her; how old was she? 19…20 in another month, the month after that it would be 2 years since Lucan died. To have that much guilt for so long - but she should now make peace with it as Gawain had.
"I am glad you have made peace with your guilt as Gawain has…."
"It was pointless to continue, it was killing my brother…our separation, the anxiety of it all; it was causing him to sicken, I will not sacrifice another I care for."
"Bethan….do not hurt Gawain….I would never forgive you and neither would Gal…." Alisia warned her.
"I would never intentionally hurt Gawain, Ali - you must know that?" Bethan was hurt; she was many things, but she did love him and would not do that.
"I do know, I am only saying…."
"I know and I take the hint, but I would not" Ali saw the shutters come down and quickly backtracked, she did not need to mess things up now – not when they were so close.
"I am sorry Bethan, I did not mean to speak harshly; it is just he and Gal are so close and I get a little protective…" she smiled.
"It is alright, I would be the same with Gawain…" Bethan smiled back, knowing that whatever had happened in their lives she would be.
The two men came in and Galahad strode to his wife "I have missed you, my wife - give me a kiss to show you still love me!" he demanded with a flourish.
Alisia grinned "Child!" but she kissed him anyway, which deepened deliberately. She knew why and almost laughed against her husband's lips.
Gawain grinned at the couple and then raised an eyebrow at Bethan, as they looked on expectantly at her. Now this was too much! But she knew she could not refuse for fear of being found out….and what would that do to Milo?
She rose and walked to Gawain, she could not trust herself to speak or look him in the eye; she wrapped her arms round his neck and pressed her lips against his.
He never meant to make the kiss what it was he thought after, but he could not help himself; his arms were about her - one about her waist and the other her neck pulling her tightly, but gently, to him. His lips softly pressed to hers, but then he slowly parted them with his tongue, it seeking hers and finding it.
She pressed herself closer still, her arms tightening and her fingers wrapping in his hair; his own hands were running up and down her back……...just when he thought all his willpower and control had gone and he would take her to the bed regardless and make her his, he heard a polite cough.
They sprang apart to be confronted with a grinning Galahad and Alisia "I think we should be going brother….it seems your furniture needs moving!" The other knight crowed punching Gawain in the shoulder.
"Even if his does not, ours certainly does…." Laughed Alisia.
They all turned to hear Milo giggling hysterically. "What has tickled you, little man?" Bethan asked with a smile, trying to dispel the blush in her cheeks as she felt Gawain's eyes resting on her; she could feel the love and passion in them from where she stood. If Gal had not coughed when he had…..if they had been alone….
"I know what that is now; Eight told me….how stupid was I!" he laughed until his sides ached.
All the adults stood dumbstruck until Gawain started laughing "Well, it saves you the task of 'the talk' Little Scout!" he put his arm round her shoulders and pulled her against him.
She let him; what could it hurt? The odd embrace, the odd kiss - she was his Little Scout after all, and it had been many months since he had called her that; though her senses were still reeling from that kiss…her stomach still doing somersaults with the butterflies that permanently seemed to reside there these days.
Galahad and Alisia stepped outside and walked along to their own rooms "How long?" he asked "I give it a couple of weeks."
"I give it days at this rate; but it is ensuring the children are there enough to force her hand, but not when they…um…..move the furniture!" She fell into gales of laughter.
"I think Milo will ensure they are alone when the time is right….he is a master tactician that boy; he will serve Arthur well." Gal grinned.
0-0-0-0-0-0
Gawain had said goodnight to his brother who slapped him hard on the back "All will be well brother…it will….all will be well."
His brother nodded and grinned "Aye, I think I am finally starting to believe that might be true."
"You seem happy?" Bethan remarked as he closed the door.
"Aye, Gal and I are back as we were; brothers with no worries, it has been a long time returning…"
"It never went away Gawain….he would not desert his brother, he merely waited until you were ready. He loves you very much, you are blood kin to him" she touched his arm and smiled warmly. She suddenly thought of something that might make him laugh. "You know he told me off and soundly too."
"When?"
"When the children instigated the lock out; he was so mad I thought he might strike me!" she smiled.
"If he had I would have killed him!" Gawain was not grinning.
"Gawain I jest only - but he was deeply upset with me for hurting you."
"You have not; you merely adhere to your own thoughts and convictions; he looked at floor.
She went and hugged him "I am sorry Gawain; sorry for being so awful."
"You are not; I could never fault you Bethan - you are true to who you are...I have always loved that about you. You should never change who you are for anything." He buried his head in her neck and then let her go, he did not wish to push her too far; and walked over to the children.
In that moment Bethan realised why she loved him as she did; he did not wish her to change…to be different. He had always loved her as she was….wild, bad, good, sad; all the different things she could be, he was the sole one that never questioned her.
She thought back over all the years; nay, he had never once condemned her, had defended her against the wrath of the others on many occasions, and had reasoned with her too. She looked at the man before she? Would it be right? She must speak to someone; someone with no vested interest in them being together… Merlin!
She would speak with him on the morrow. However, she still had tonight to get through….but she would have the children between them; dear GOD let her have the children between them, for even she only had so much willpower.
She looked round to find God would not be fulfilling that fervent prayer this night; both Tris and Darry were now snuggled up and sleeping with a dozy Milo. Who was smiling; she walked over to her brother "What did you do when Eight told you?"
"Naught….I laughed I think…he told me to cheer me up as I was so sad and felt so ill. But it suddenly made a lot of sense - I never could understand why moving furniture would be so interesting!" He grinned at her, opening his eyes.
She leant down and carefully hugged him "I missed you little brother, more than you will ever know." Her voice was suddenly thick with tears and Milo felt a huge wave of guilt for doing what he had, and was, doing to her. But he squashed it down; it was for her own good.
"I missed you Befan, but I am so glad you are with Gawain now. That is why I got Tris and Darry; that way you two have more room now you are a couple." He grinned innocently at her……so much so that Gawain had to turn away. That boy was one of a kind; he would hate to lose him…and was glad they had not.
Bethan ruffled his hair and sat with him until he fell asleep – yet she could not shake the feeling that all were in on a secret she was not; but then mayhap she was a little paranoid because Gawain was standing so close to her that as she stood she could feel his breath on the back of her neck.
She swiftly sidestepped him and got into bed "You are going to bed like that?" he enquired mildly.
"Like what?"
"Fully clothed; are you sure you do not want your armour too?" he grinned so she could see he was jesting.
She could not resist the merriment in his eyes "Aye, well….it is cold…." She smiled.
Before she could protest he was in beside her and had tugged her back against him "Well, then we had better let me warm you up…."
She tried desperately hard to make her breathing even, to still the racing of her heart; but it had been a long time since he had held her like this. Since she had felt the warmth of his body next to hers, the comfort he always brought her, the peace.
She could feel his beard against her cheek as he had turned her slightly toward him, feel his breath on her skin; the weight and warmth of his hands on her……..it was going to be a very long night….
Gawain felt the hammering of his heart and tried to slow it, his body was responding when it should not…..it had been a long time since he had held her like this; felt the warmth of her body next to his….the comfort she always brought him.
The smell of lavender in her hair and on her skin from that soap she loved to use; the softness of her, of her face touching his……it was going to be a very long night…..
