The Angst and the Analyst
From the Journals and Papers of Dr. MorningGlory Gaeston
(Rated PG-13: Adult themes, mild language, mild violence, rampant hamsters)
Chapter XI – Part 1
As if on cue, the fifth row, left side, all stood in a wave. With terror-filled faces, and their attention turned to their feet, a hideous cacophony of shrill screams and wails cut through the room. I could only imagine that Boo was traversing the twenty, or so, pairs of boots and ladies shoes to escape to the other end. Two of the females, a human and an elf, became casualties two and three thereby joining the ranks of the unconscious as they slumped back upon the pew, propped head-to-head. Concerned spouses fanned at them and patted their hands in an attempt to revive them. Sitting directly next to them, and certainly not to be outdone, Lady Smythe was immediately overtaken with the onset of hyperventilation.
Upon seeing this, a very concerned Sir Ryan leaned over to his son. "Anomen," he whispered. "What kind of devil is causing this mayhem? A demon loosed from the abyss? This is most serious, I fear."
"No," moaned Anomen and shook his head. "It is a small animal, a pet of our friend Minsc. It, unfortunately, resembles a fairly large rat but is light brown in color, and it is harmless."
"Oh my," blinked Sir Ryan and scratched unconsciously at his ear. "Doesn't sound like the most dignified task for a Knight, but I guess our duty is clear. Come, Son, help your Father with this unseemly chore of rounding up the little wildling before this problem gets out of hand." The two quickly abandoned their stations at the altar and bounded down the middle aisle.
It was easy to spot the Knights of the Order in the crowd. They were immaculately dressed in the Order's formal dress whites with appropriate crimson and gold trim. Sir Ryan rapidly motioned to Sir Keldorn, Sir Fahey, Sir Malcolm, Sir Conrad, and Sir Hennley. They immediately sprang from their seats and met father and son in the center aisle, small weapons drawn. Amn's finest was ready to deal with loosed terror.
From where he still stood in the back, Minsc could see the various short blades poised for action and, duly alarmed, shouted above the crowd, "NO! Do not hurt Boo! Do not be afraid! Boo is a friendly hamster!" With a wave of Sir Ryan's hand, the weapons were quickly sheathed and the Knights, plus one, immediately fanned out with orders to go row to row in search of the errant little animal. Few of the congregation were still seated which made the search difficult for the hamster-hunting crusaders. I glanced to Hendak beside me who was holding his hand over his mouth trying vainly to suppress a well-developed chortle.
Suddenly, off to the far left, a tall, rotund woman shrieked and sprung gingerly from the end of her pew and into the side aisle. She was instantly entranced in a jiggling, risqué dance as she quickly pulled her skirts and petticoats up around her hips and shook them side-to-side. With her pantaloons and bare legs so shamelessly exposed during her gyrations, it vaguely resembled the performance by the resident, albeit much more shapely, dancers at the Veils. Suddenly a squealing, brown fur ball tumbled down and out from inside her petticoats. She screamed at the top of her lungs as Boo hit the floor running under the next pew.
Sir Conrad and Sir Hennley had quickly pushed their way through the crowd to the woman but arrived seconds too late to capture the rodent imp. Still holding her skirts up around her waist, her eyes closed as she gasped and fell backwards in a dead faint. Fortunately, or unfortunately, she fell directly into Sir Conrad's arms. For all his strength, however, he was no match for the 250 pounds of feminine dead weight, or the momentum it created, as he teetered backward, lost his balance, and the tandem bodies crashed to the floor. He was inextricably eclipsed under her and all that could be seen of him were his frantically flailing arms from under the sprawled unconscious flesh.
She had become victim numberfour,and Sir Hennley quickly deduced that Sir Conrad would become number five, if he wasn't quickly rescued. There was no way the young knight could be breathing under there.
Momentarily perplexed at how to save his young friend from possible suffocation and still retain the lady's dignity, Sir Hennley finally grasped the poor woman's skirts with both hands, and, with a firm yank, pulled them down to a respectable level. Then with a mighty heave, he rolled her away and to the side. Sir Conrad lay stunned on the floor as he desperately gasped for air to re-inflate his lungs. Sir Hennley pulled him to his feet as the two briefly debated whether to leave the poor woman where she now lay, facedown, or risk further mishap by moving her out of the aisle. With some help from the woman's rather spindly husband, they were finally able to move her from harm's way and unceremoniously propped her against the decorative marble column adorning the wall.
From his place at the altar, Hamblen Davenport sensed the growing seriousness of the situation and hurriedly began dispensing various healers to the 'fallen'. A handful of purple-garbed Priests and clerics poured forth into the crowd to revive and heal the wounded and near-wounded. "Free of charge," he leaned over and whispered. Church politics, I thought, as I was sure he was hoping to garner favor with his patron Goddess.
I quickly surveyed our little group at the altar, thinking one of them might have a quicker solution than waiting for the Knights to capture Boo.
"Father, Father! Can't you do something? A spell or something?" I leaned around a now-giggling Hendak and whispered loudly. Father was standing frozen in place with his mouth agape. The look of horror transfixed on his face told me he did not believe what he was seeing. He was too stupefied to answer me.
Hendak had now started to laugh aloud. "Hendak, how can you laugh at a time like this?" I asked him indignantly. "Our ritual is in shambles!"
"I'm.. I'm sorry my love. Because…," he said between now uncontrollable guffaws, "It really is funny! Just look and see what one harmless little creature has done to the finest of Amn! He has done what no god or goddess could ever do he has broughtthem to their knees…." I pursed my lips and scowled at him. This was NOT funny.
"Mother Waukeen," I turned my attention to the other side of Riona. "Can you do something? Wave your hand, a spell, do something?"
She, too, stood in shock with her mouth agape, her hands framing her face.
"What in nine hells is a 'hamster?" she finally asked, shaking her head side to side. For a Goddess in her own Church, she was going to be no help at all, I concluded. It looked like possible assistance from Father and Mother Waukeen was not going to be an alternative to restore order and dignity to our Union Ritual. I looked at Riona.
"Riona?"
Gazing wide-eyed at the swirling, hysterical crowd, she said nothing and just shook her head slowly from side to side in unison with Waukeen. The bizarre scene unfolding in front of us had mesmerized them all. All but Hendak. His laughter simply grew louder.
I again looked out across the discordant crowd. Many of the people were now climbing upon the pews as they sought the safety of higher ground. In addition, most of the ladies had begun pulling up their skirts to varying degrees in the hopes of preventing a repetition of victim number four's fate. We at the altar were suddenly graced with the vision of a multitude of stocking tops and garters, bulbous middle-aged thighs, and various styles of pantaloons. Some of the younger ladies wore no pantaloons at all, leaving it to the imagination as to what exactly, if anything, was further up their skirts. Hendak took one look and could contain himself no more. He threw back his head and roared.
Meanwhile, Minsc rushed from lady to lady standing on the pews, quickly shaking and examining their various skirts and slips calling, "Boo, are you in there?" "Come out of there, Boo!" Several distraught women greeted him firmly with prayer books over his head, while others were so in shock they had no opportunity to take umbrage with his very ungentleman-like attentions being paid their person. His cursory, and unorthodox, search, however, yielded nothing but more animosity and chaos.
"Over here!" An excited shout from a man in the far back corner briefly caught everyone's attention.
"No, he's over here!" yelled another from the other side of the room closer to the front.
More shrieks and screams as the din from the people rose in direct proportion to the confusion and mayhem. The mood was heating up and the people were beginning to panic. If Boo wasn't found and subdued soon, we were going to have a real riot on our hands. Just what the newly refurbished Church of Waukeen needed, I thought. Not to mention that the gossip-mongers were going to have a field day with this one! And my darling almost-almost-husband was now standing at my side beset with uncontrollable, howling laughter.
The expert defenders of the realm had unsuccessfully made an initial sweep of the main floor and had returned to the back where Sir Ryan had dispersed Sir Keldorn and Sir Fahey to the far right side, he and Anomen took the far left, and the now-recovered Sir Conrad, Sir Malcolm, and Sir Hennley were relegated to the center aisle. The idea seemed to be to flush out Boo and capture him as he took flight in whatever direction.
The Knights had begun their concerted efforts in earnest while the attendant priests and clerics tried to exercise some crowd control by urging calm and restraint. Both desperately tried to personally reassure the people that the situation was well in hand and there was no reason to panic. It was then that I saw him.
Shooting from under the third pew from the back on the left hand side, the small brown blur headed full-throttle down the main aisle toward the front of the Church. The three Knights assigned to the center engaged in hot pursuit, Sir Conrad in the lead. Feeling he had Boo within his grasp, the young Knight dove head first at the furry rodent barely missing his target by scant centimeters. Unable to halt their forward advance, Sir Malcolm and Sir Hennley collided, tripped and crashed directly on top of him. It was a three-layer, horizontal review of the Order's finest with poor Sir Conrad again flirting with disaster at the bottom of the deck.
Minsc immediately converged on the thrashing, twisted pile of Knights. "Boo, are you under there? Boo, are you a hamster pancake now?" he yelled down at them, seemingly through them. He then picked up each individual Knight and righted him on his feet. "No Boo pancake," he shook his head looking at the barren floor after he carefully propped a dazed Sir Conrad up against Sir Hennley. It was the second time the young man had the wind pressed from him. I wondered if the Order would grant him some meritorious award for the broken ribs and other injuries he, no doubt, had sustained this day in the line of duty. As strange as the Order could be, they might just charge him double coin for the damage done to his dress uniform. From where I stood, it was not even salvageable. All the while the brown ball of fur continued to zip in and around the people standing in the center aisle as he made his way closer to the alter.
And, Hendak was now laughing so hard, he was red-faced and doubled over. I was now so annoyed with him, I contemplated planting my slippered foot firmly into his backside facing me.
The casualty list grew instantaneously with victims five and six when Boo scurried across two women's feet as they stood transfixed mid-way in the center aisle. Boo was slightly jarred, yet undaunted, as one of the falling bodies barely missed him, landing with a loud thud on the carpet. It was now very apparent his destination was the altar and he was moving as fast as his four little legs would carry him to where we stood.
He was headed straight for Riona and hot on his heels were the now recovered Knights, the remaining Knights, and a throng of Amn's finest citizenry. The Knights had again drawn their small weapons, and the citizenry were armed with everything from walking canes to prayer books. I damn near panicked watching the crushing hoard of people charging up the center aisle with Boo narrowly in the lead. Hendak was now bright purple as he grasped his sides. His convulsive fit of laughing hysteria had become near silent because of its intensity.
Boo's momentum carried him up the few steps to the altar and as he spent the last of his inertia in one grand leap, Riona instinctively dropped her flowers and bent down to scoop him up in mid-air.
Everyone froze. There was dead silence. The mass of people had halted just short of the altar and everything and everyone had stopped in mid-motion. The only thing that could be heard were a few uncontained snorts and snickers from Hendak as he desperately fought to hold back his crowning belly laugh.
Riona held the little animal to her chest and instinctively cradled him rocking from side to side. "It's okay, Boo. You're safe now. No one will hurt you." Her voice was like velvet in the sudden stillness and she petted him gently. He nuzzled his head into the crook of her arm and twittered loudly. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
The threat was contained, the mass hysteria abruptly abated. The Knights and the mass of people sheathed weapons, lowered walking canes and relaxed their prayer books.
"So that's a hamster," said Waukeen. She thoughtfully peered down at him and Father immediately ran to her side.
"My darling Waukeen, are you alright?" He was most concerned, albeit a little late.
"Oh, yes, Tabor," she replied. "I just have never seen a 'hamster' before. Interesting little creature…A pet, you say…..."
Minsc came running up, pushing his way through the limpid crowd. "Boo! Are you all right? Did anyone hurt you?" Boo lifted his head and chittered loudly to Minsc.
"I am sorry, Riona," Minsc began as he stood at the altar with his face red against hispurple tattoo. He then turned to me, "And, Mistress Glory, Boo is sorry he disrupted your ritual. He just wanted to be closer to see what goes on. He has never been to a union ritual before, and certainly not such a fancy one." He paused. "He is very embarrassed for his actions, as am I." Minsc hung his head, and as I looked at Boo's little furry face, I could have sworn I saw a slight blush as well.
"It is alright, Minsc," I said. I couldn't be angry with this simple, sweet man. He had put his life on the line to free Hendak and many others from slavery, and was at least indirectly responsible for my happiness this day. "I know Boo meant no harm. Perhaps you and Boo could sit closer as we conclude the ritual. That way he can better see, and so can you."
"I can assist with that," offered Waukeen and with a wave of her hand, two chairs appeared midway between the front pew and us. Waukeen seemed to have a thing with chairs, I thought. "Ring side seats for you, sir, and your wonderful little beast." Minsc gently took Boo from Riona. He didn't even squirm in the big man's hands as he continued to twitter.
"Oh, thank you, lovely Goddess Waukeen for your kindness. And Boo thanks you, too!" and he respectfully bowed in appreciation. He arose and Waukeen reached out and gently rubbed Boo's head. He twittered again. "Be nice, Boo!" Minsc whispered loudly, "Mistress Waukeen is a real Goddess! You should be honored she would even touch your furry head, especially after you have behaved so badly!"
As Minsc walked to their chairs, Waukeen leaned over to me. "Such a darling pet, dear Daughter…We must get two of those for the twins!" Egads, I thought. In light of what just occurred, what a perfectly horrible, horrible idea.
Stepping up on the first step adjacent to the center aisle, Sir Ryan turned to the crowd and in his most authoritative voice directed everyone to again take their seats, that the 'threat' was over, and as soon as full order was restored, Hamblen Davenport could continue the ritual. The crowd began to slowly return to their original seats and to the solemnity prior to the mayhem. Sir Ryan and Anomen resumed their positions at the altar, as did Father. And, Hendak had regained his composure.
As the clerics finished the last of their restorations of the fallen faithful and resumed their stations, Hamblen Davenport cleared his throat and looked out over the crowd. All was as it should be and proper awe and respect was again in control of everyone's senses.
"We shall now conclude the Blessed Union, as accorded by our Church of the Goddess Waukeen," he said in his booming voice and looked down at Hendak and me.
Up to now it was fairytale frills with a minor, well, maybe major, interruption. Now was the time of serious commitment where I promised my heart, my love, and my fidelity in mind, body, and spirit to Hendak and he would promise his in return. This was the real ritual. This was the real bonding. This was what was important.
"MorningGlory, will you now make your solemn promise to Hendak?" prompted the Priest. I turned to look into the most beautiful eyes in Toril.
"I, MorningGlory Gaeston, daughter of Tabor Gaeston," I said in a high clear voice, "promise before these witnesses and the Goddess Waukeen, to love you, to honor you, and to keep our coupled bonding safe and holy throughout my life until my last breath. And, if the Gods so grant, beyond."
"The Gods so grant," the crowd echoed solemnly in the ritual beseechment of the Gods granting our union beyond death. One harpist sounded a single chord.
"I promise to care for you, to comfort you, and protect you. And if the Gods so grant, beyond."
"The Gods so grant," chanted the crowd. Two harpists sounded two harmonic chords.
"I promise to love, nurture, and protect our children, and to keep the love of our family as part of my soul. And, if the Gods so grant, beyond."
"The Gods so grant," the crowd spoke in supplication of our family ties extending beyond our mortal existence. Three harpists sounded three harmonic chords in unison.
I turned to Riona and she held out the gold band I had specially made for Hendak. I took it from her and turned to him. Father had emblazoned it with a rune of faithful heart. I kissed it to sanction it and handed it to Priest Davenport. He pronounced the Church's blessing upon it and returned it to me.
I looked into Hendak's beaming face. I had not realized it but my own eyes were beginning to well with tears of joy. This half-man, half-god and all he was, was my destiny. From this day forward throughout all of time, he and I would be one together.
"This ring bears my heart to you for your safekeeping. Guard it, and all I give to you this day, well," I said softly and slipped it on his finger. It briefly glowed and sized to fit his finger. He smiled at me and took his finger to brush an errant tear from my cheek. We turned to the Priest.
"Hendak, will you now make your solemn promise to MorningGlory?" he again prompted. Again, we turned to face each other.
"I, Hendak, Son of the Goddess Waukeen, promise before these witnesses and my Mother, the Goddess Waukeen, to love you, to honor you, and to keep our coupled bonding safe and holy throughout my life until my last breath. And, if the Gods so grant, beyond." His voice was loud and clear as he spoke from his heart.
Again the crowd responded, "The Gods so grant," and a single chord was heard from one harpist.
"I promise to care for you, to comfort you, and protect you. And, if the Gods so grant, beyond."
"The Gods so grant," chanted the crowd. Again, two harpists were heard in harmonic unity.
"I promise to love, nurture, and protect our children, and to keep the love of our family as part of my soul. And, if the Gods so grant, beyond."
"The Gods so grant," the crowd echoed. Three harpists were heard.
He turned to Anomen who delivered the fine gold ring with a similar rune of faithful heart. Hendak took it, kissed it and gave it to the Priest. The Priest pronounced the blessing and returned it to him. He picked up my hand and gently placed the ring on my finger.
"This ring bears my heart to you for your safekeeping. Guard it, and all I give to you this day, well," he said in the most gentle, loving voice I had ever heard him speak.
He turned again to Anomen and retrieved the amulet from the box. He kissed it and handed it to the Priest.
Hamblen Davenport held it up for all to see and began to speak.
"A gift from the Goddess Waukeen to her Daughter and her Son," and he spoke a separate blessing. He gently returned it to Hendak. Hendak took the amulet and put it around my neck. It felt strangely warm on my neck as it began to slightly radiate. An iridescent aura began to emanate from it and fill the air until it perfectly enfolded us in a singular supernatural light. Hushed 'oohs,' and 'ahs' could be heard from the crowd. Undaunted, the Priest spoke.
"May this Blessed Union be protected from that which is evil and wicked. May this Blessed Union be blessed and written into the Church of Waukeen's Book of Blessed Unions. May this Blessed Union be recognized by all the Gods, and all creatures of this plane and others. And, if the Gods so grant, beyond."
"The Gods so grant," the crowd cheered in unison signifying the ritual was complete. We were now one in the sight of all beings and all things.
Hendak cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. A long, endearing, passionate kiss.
The crowd cheered as the low melodious horns stationed on the mezzanine around the perimeter of the Church sounded their chorus and were soon joined in exultation by the harps. The bells in the steeples rang out. It was a symphony of joyous sounds and revelry.
We turned to face the ecstatic, jubilant applauding crowd. Even Boo jumped up and down on his chair in excitement.
I looked at Riona, tears evident in her eyes. Mother Waukeen had an iridescent streak down her left cheek. I turned to the other side of our party.
Father was beaming, his eyes misted over as well, as he heartily clapped his hands. Sir Ryan was joyously laughing as was Anomen, and they too, were engaged in enthusiastic applause.
"Go forth into Toril and beyond, and be known as one," the Priest called over the jubilation of the crowd thereby giving us our permission to leave. The formalities were concluded.
Hendak took my arm and we began the walk down the center aisle to the back of the Church. The rest of our party followed suit. Two men graciously swung open the huge double doors and as we walked out into the bright sunlight, we were greeted with a hundred white doves flying in concert overhead, no doubt a 'gift' from another God or Goddess to the Son of their friend, the Goddess Waukeen.
We walked down the walkway to the waiting open carriage and the crowd began to spill out behind us. I could still hear the horns and the harps playing the joyous exodus march from the Church's open doors. Hendak stopped me just short of the street.
"I will love you forever, my love, my wife," he said and put his arms around me and kissed me.
"As will I always love you, my love, my husband," I replied. The words 'my husband' had such a magical ring to my ears. The crowd sent up a hearty roar of approval and began to scatter the blossoms of the sweet honey flowers to the wind. It suddenly smelled like Mother Waukeen everywhere.
We boarded the carriage and began the short trip home. After all of that, it was time to have some serious fun. And some serious food. All of the excitement had made me ravenous again.
To Be Continued……
