Hyperkitti: We're back with a brand new chapter! And by the way Maze2004, did you really find the list under your bed? That's very odd.
Kattikit: Yep, you thought you could get rid of us, but you didn't. HAH!
Hyperkitti: Actually they wanted another chapter.
Kattikit: Shut up, I'm on a roll here.
Hyperkitti: (backs away) Ummm... okay...
Kattikit: You thought that we would go away, and you'd get something nice like JK Rowling's work, but you didn't! Now you will be subjected to madness until we manage to think up an ending for this and update it fully!
Hyperkitti: Which will be a long time if you look at how long it takes for Kattikit to update.
Kattikit: You will never get anything but madness anymore! NEVAR! WE OWN HARRY POTTER!
JK Rowling: pops up seemingly from nowhere, but is hiding a wand behind her back No you don't, I do.
Kattikit: ARRRGH! HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE CUPBOARD WE LOCKED YOU IN?
Hyperkitti: (whistles and grins sheepishly at the readers) On with the chapter?
McGonagall paused for dramatic effect. Everyone held his or her breath. Then there was a beeping sound coming from McGonagall's pocket. She took something that looked suspiciously like a Muggle electronic object, and opened it.
"The time is 9 o' clock and 5 minutes. It is time for your appointment in your chambers where there is a personal makeup assistant waiting for you, of which the charges you have put to the sch-"
Professor McGonagall quickly shut it up by closing it and stuffing it in her pocket. She turned briskly and walked off to her chambers.
"What was that all about?" said Harry.
"No idea" replied Draco. "I mean, since when did McGonagall wear make-up?"
The Trio and Draco discussed this for about half an hour, until finally Hermione said, "Wait a sec, she didn't tell us the play we were doing."
Draco and Harry looked and each other in bewilderment. "Oh yeah..."
Hermione slapped her forehead. "Boys" she muttered. "C'mon, we'd better go to lessons."
Harry shook his head. "Nah, I don't feel like going to them today."
"But- but but ...lessons are important!"
Harry turned to her seriously and replied, "Are they really, Hermione? Really, really? Do they really make a mark in the real world of any importance what-so-ever?"
"Yes! Of course they do!"
"Oh, all right then."
Harry followed Hermione to the next lesson, because he really didn't have anything better to do with his life.
Unfortunately, this was Potions, where Snape announced in a loud voice how Draco was sure to get the main part. The good thing about this was that Draco seemed embarrassed about this, and Snape, not noticing anything like the blind person he is, continued the rant for a while until Draco asked (in an even LOUDER voice) what today's potion was.
Until then Snape said many things including"Draco is sure to get the best part because he has been in many Muggle plays before, although that's meant to be a secret, but it would be good for everyone to know that they haven't got a chance..."
"Umm, Professor Snape?"
"Of course, we all know that nobody else will even think of entering with a young boy like Draco around. He has made such a great effort for this play. He's even stopped wetting himself last week"
"Professor Snape? Can we get on with the lesson please?"
By this time Harry, Ron and Hermione were rolling around on the floor, having difficulty breathing.
"Although he still needs his teddy for comfort sometimes...Potter, Weasley, Granger! What are you doing on the floor? I think you're choking on something. Weak children. Five points from Gryffindor for choking in my class. Longbottom, perhaps you and Mr Thomas should take them to the hospital wing..."
Harry, Ron and Hermione weakly signalled that they were fine and for Snape to continue.
Snape looked at them with fake concern. "Well, if you're sure... Draco is and will always be the best student in the school of course, much better than Granger in any case. Of course he has to take extra lessons and needs some help from his mummy every now and then. But this makes him a much better student..."
"Professor, what is today's potion?" Draco was practically shouting now, and his face was as red as Ron's hair. Metaphorically.
"Although...sorry, Mr. Malfoy, did you say something"
"Ummm... Professor, could we get on with the lesson now? I... umm... think everyone has got the idea now."
Snape looked a bit disappointed. "Well, if you're sure...today we are doing a Boldness Potion. This will help with the auditioning, as many of you will get stage fright, knowing the little children you are." Then he continued with something that sounded to Harry like "Blah blah blah blah blah..."
The Gryffindors had to get up off the floor, as most of them had fallen off their chairs laughing, as well as some of the Slytherins.
The rest of the lesson was pretty similar, as Snape had already used up most of the lesson and the rest of the lesson was spent by many loud exclamations of "So Draco, you've stop wetting yourself? You must be very proud of yourself. I only stopped wetting myself about 11 years ago!"
"Shut up." Draco turned red and added an extra drop of beetle juice to his potion by accident. He added something wrong every time someone started talking about his... 'problems'.
Soon the potions dungeons were full of smoke and Draco's cauldron had melted. Every climbed onto their chairs to get out of the way quickly, except Neville Longbottom, who yelled "Look, I didn't get it wrong this time! Malfoy messed it up instead!"
He did a victory dance, but seeing as he had two left feet, he tripped and knocked over a whole row of potions that had been in different stages. They all splashed down onto the floor, and mixed together. The chairs that the students were standing on started melting into the floor.
Snape was furious, as usual. "Everyone, get out! Out! Out right now before I take off points!"
Hermione raised her hand. "But Professor, we can't get out without killing ourselves!" The floor had now turned into something reminiscent of a lava lake.
"Shut up, Granger! Stop being such an insufferable know-it-all!"
"You've used that insult on me before, Professor."
"Have I? Damn! How about... stupid show-off?"
"Ummm... no, I don't think so."
"Right! Granger, you're a stupid show-off and you always will be!"
Draco interrupted their 'argument'. "Sir, Granger has a point. We can't get out."
Snape sighed. "Weak children." he muttered, before conjuring stretchers for them all, which floated out of the classroom. But not before Hermione raised her hand one last time.
"Professor, will this be on our tests?"
At lunchtime, all the Gryffindors cheered for Neville, as Snape was now in the hospital wing and all Potions lessons had been cancelled until the lava lake dried up.
Unfortunately, sixth years didn't have Potions at all for the rest of the day, and they were missing lessons tomorrow for the auditions anyway. They were all still happy that Snape had been landed in the hospital wing. Except, of course, for Hermione, who loudly exclaimed"No! Everyone could be learning so much in this time! I can't believe it! We have to teach those poor people that are missing lessons! Otherwise we'll fail our NEWTs!"
"Hermione, our NEWTs are over a year and a half away."
"So?"
The next lesson was Defence against the Dark Arts. Since their new teacher had broken a record, and had lasted a week (he was now lying in the Hospital Wing in a coma after teaching a lesson with the seventh years, who were doing the best "Fred and George" acts). Because of this, lessons had become difficult to manage. At the moment, Professor Dumbledore was teaching the lessons until they found a replacement, which, judging the state of the school would be a while yet. Because of this, the fifth years and sixth years had been bunged together because Dumbledore didn't have enough time. He was too busy spending his time listening to rumours, so that he knew everything about the school all the time.
The lesson started, as usual, by Professor Dumbledore coming in with his usual elegance, broken only by a jinx over one of the tiles, as he always came in by exactly the same route. He got up, put on a pair of extra-thick, dragon-hide gloves, carefully opened a cupboard, which was labelled "Confiscated", and carefully took out three items and placed them on the front desk: a vacuum cleaner, a toasting fork, and a large rubber chicken.
He told the class, "In this lesson, the Gryffindors have to kill five Slytherins, and the Slytherins have to kill five Gryffindors. The first house to do so wins, and the other house has to be their slaves until the next Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. The rules are as follows:
Number 1: Dirty cheating is encouraged. In the real world, you wouldn't expect your enemy to play fair.
Number 2: 'Killing' includes sending them into comas, and cutting off several vital parts of their bodies, including hands, arms, legs, feet and… reproduction organs cough.
Number 3: Only hex your enemies, not your 'fellow house members'.
Number 4: No hexing until I leave the door and am hidden safely in my office."
Then Professor Dumbledore looked up at the fifth/sixth year class, all of whom had very evil looks on their faces as they picked out their partner/victim (apart from Hermione Granger, who was ready to learn), gulped, and hastily ran out of the door. The door swung shut with a click.
And all hell broke loose.
Firstly, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger put protection rings around themselves, because they were the only ones who knew how, and also because they tended to be the main targets. However, Draco Malfoy didn't need any protection, as people now thought it was more suffering to keep him alive and taunt him about the potions lesson. Everyone was still quite willing to try to kill Hermione and Harry, though.
Neville Longbottom was now the star of the class, as he managed to levitate himself to the ceiling, where he was promptly ignored, even when it was raining curses.
Crabbe and Goyle decided to use their best talent- brute force. They picked up chairs and tables that everyone was hiding underneath and chucked them in the general direction of the Gryffindors.
The tables and chairs were rapidly disappearing, and not just because of Crabbe and Goyle. Everyone who couldn't cast protection charms (which, by judging how hard nearly all of them listened, was a large majority) used chairs and tables as shields, and the tactful Gryffindors built a 'wall of protection' around the entire group, with a few well-placed holes for sticking their wands through to aim curses. Unfortunately, the even more tactful Slytherins had set the desks on fire, and the Gryffindors were slowly getting burnt to death. Nobody apart from Hermione and Harry knew how to cast a Freezing Charm, because of their attention span, and they couldn't be bothered because they had protection charms already.
Just then the bell rung. All the chairs and tables suddenly flew back to their original places, and flames were put out, curses were stopped and people stopped melting (and reversed it if they were lucky) because of the Finite Incantatum over the entire class. The room looked as it had before the lesson started (apart from a few dead students, but no-one cared about them), because the staff knew what fifth and sixth years were like. A scoreboard came and rose over the class:
"Death Count
Slytherins: 2 died
Gryffindors: 1 died"
Everyone looked to see who those three people were. The Gryffindor was Colin Creevey. His death had only been seen by Harry Potter, because it was Harry Potter who had killed him. A well aimed curse had bounced off three walls, bounced into Crabbe, who merely shook it off (being dumb as he was) into the table which he was holding, which was thrown into the midst of the Gryffindors, which then bounced off a flame onto Colin Creevey's camera hand, which promptly burned up simultaneously. The rest of his body quickly followed it. Everyone had been affected by Colin Creevey, who always seemed to carry his camera around apart from in lessons where it was forbidden (only to Colin and Dennis Creevey), so the result was that no one really cared. Especially since there were wards around the DADA classroom, and when the bodies left the room they would come back to life again. Harry was working with the Slytherins to get this charm broken down quickly. Until then, they placed invisibility charms on Colin and stuffed him into a DADA closet.
They had the rest of the afternoon off (apart from Divination, but no-one went to that anymore) and since they had Astronomy later on, they all went to their dorms and fell asleep, which was so uneventful that it won't even be written down here.
In the Astronomy Tower, which was equally messy, perhaps even more so than the rest of the school (apart from the fact there was no graffiti - it wasn't romantic enough) the Gryffindors were having their lesson. Although it couldn't really be called a lesson, as now Professor Sinistra had found a boyfriend (which she wouldn't tell any of them who it was, especially Parvati Patil) and was currently unable to attend the lessons, although she stayed fairly nearby.
The Astronomy Tower was the most visited part of Hogwarts, even more so than the Great Hall, because of making out, committing suicide, making out, sneaking dragons to older brothers, making out, the occasional lesson, making out, and... well that's about it. Now there were millions of mini stalls in slight attempts to earn a few Knuts concealed in closets, secret doors by windows, and in some cases, on the ceiling, since there was simply no more room anywhere there. Most students bought a snack, fooled around for the lesson (or slept) and then copied Hermione's answers at the end by bribing her with pretty new books.
At the end of the lesson, everyone collapsed into their beds. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, after all...
Hermione had a feeling she would somehow be dragged into the auditions.
Harry didn't want to act in front of other people, but had to so that he could partly regain his famousness.
Ron was wondering who he could be, and his ears turned pink.
Draco wet himself.
Kattikit: So, we didn't tell you the name of the play. So what?
Hyperkitti: Well, they could flame us…
Kattikit: Sssshhh!
Hyperkitti: Oh, and a warning to you JK Rowling. You may have escaped us once, but you won't manage it again!
Kattikit: MWAHAHAHAHAH!
Hyperkitti: Oh, and the reason this chapter's so long is because I wrote it.
Kattikit: Yours are always so much shorter than mine, though.
Hyperkitti: (coughs) Look out for the next chapter soon!
