Disclaimer: my name is NOT Amy Sherman-Palladino therefore I do not own a single thing related to Gilmore Girls, except from what comes from my own imagination.

Chapter 1: Autumn in New York

Autumn is not my favourite season but I can't not like it. I especially like the warm, sunny, sparkling autumn days. The ones where you want to run and scream that the world's so god damn beautiful. Because all the trees have these warm yellow, funky orange and deep red colours that brightens you, the street, the city, the world. Even I can feel it. You walk around with a smile and sit on a bench in the park in the sun for lunch. Last vitamins before the winter and a natural light therapy. You try to drawn your brain in the light, to suck it all up and put it away so you can recall it on those coming, cold, even darker winter days.

A good second thing I like about autumn are the days which are bright, but just a tiny cold and misty. It rained all night and when you go for a run or a walk in the nearest park or woods, you can just smell the earth. It's a bit rotten but at the same time it smells like life. It's a smell you always associate with autumn, a smell that always remember you of some autumn experience, a smell you never forget.

Of course, there are also another kind of autumn days. Days were everything is grey, sombre and dark. But they also have their up sides… on those dark days every light is something special. The lamp in your room spreads a much more yellow and friendly light and you get this cosy feeling. Lighting some candles is just not the same at the beginning of autumn than at any other time. It's much warmer, more meaningful. It can make you want to make a little nest on your coach, with loads of soft cushions and warm blankets and a hot soup or coco and a good book or movie. And someone to keep you company. Because you just don't want to be alone on those sombre days. Because if you are alone on a day like that you get stuck in your thoughts and you'll end up in a massive melancholic mood. Like the one I'm having right now.

It's this feeling that overrules me, I have nothing to say about it: it just takes over my body and at some point it disappears again. Luckily, this is not the first time it happens so I don't panic and I don't get to lost in it, otherwise I would end up depressed. I just let it happen… this nagging, longing feeling has come over me. The feeling like everything was much better before and I just want to go back to those days.

Those days with her.

It's my own fault really but at the same time: I couldn't help it. I had to get out (I wasn't allowed to stay anyway), I had to get to know Jimmy (one word: disappointment), I just had to know.

As it turned out t be: California didn't really suit me: too sunny, too shallow, too much bikini's, too much fakeness. Jimmy didn't suit me either. We tried for like two months but we didn't get along. Too much expectations we both couldn't fulfil I guess. Sasha and Lily being there didn't exactly help either. They tried, of course they did, but it didn't work out. There were rules, fights, tears… and I left to the one place I knew the best: New York. I knew my way around the city, I liked the anonymity. I could disappear, almost literally. I disappeared every day in millions of people who didn't see me, who didn't know me, who didn't remember me and who certainly didn't care about me. I picked up some jobs to pay for a lousy apartment. I restored contact with my mom just in case I needed money. She met yet another guy. 'This one is different'. They all were. Although I must say she's doing great: she seems happy, has this weird job with jewellery… as long as she doesn't end up beaten up or broke, it'll all be fine.

It seems like I was doing good and in a way I was. But the remembrance of what once was but isn't anymore kept running around my brain. There were times, like this one right here, right now, that I miss her. I miss running my hand through her hair. I miss staring into her wonderful sparkling stunningly blue eyes. I miss joking around and seeing her smile. I miss her scent, I miss her voice, I miss her touch. I simply deeply miss her. It's my fault, I left her behind, I didn't say goodbye. But I couldn't. I couldn't say goodbye but I also couldn't stay.

Thinking about that makes me sad… makes me realize what I gave up, what I threw away for yet another impulse. Thoughts keep swirling in my head. But thinking it through for many many many times made me realize that I wasn't always entirely the bad guy. I wasn't the only one who makes mistakes and I'm certainly not the only one to blame.

Did she ever try to contact me? Luke very well knew where I was, my email address hasn't changed… I didn't exactly disappear, just one question to one person and she could've known. I've heard from many sources I hurt her deeply… but if she wanted to be with me, if she really did want that, than why didn't she try? She just gave up on me, just like everybody always does. I guess it's hard to not let you be leaded by prejudices, but it's even harder when your name is Rory Gilmore and you want to please everyone alive.

Thinking about that makes me mad. Mad at her. I've done a lot of things wrong, I won't deny that… but for once, I am not the only one. Or rather, now I realise I'm usually not the only one. Rory the Princess isn't all that perfect you know. But she has this privileged status she doesn't realize, which I didn't either, until I saw the whole picture clear one day. It struck me like a thunderbolt. At first I tried to deny it, thinking: not Rory, not the pure, nice, sweet, smart, beautiful girl I know. It can't be her. It's me, I'm evil. Everyone's always saying that, even when they don't know me… so if everyone's thinking it, it must be true right? Maybe it even became true like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. But after a while I realised: I was just as brainwashed as everyone else in that freaking little suffocating place they call Stars Hollow. I've always known they were a bunch of freaks. I was right about Rory and I had to stop thinking about her in a worshipping kind of way. She just didn't deserve it.

Since I had seen this, I wondered how I didn't see it before. How Rory didn't have to take responsibility for her actions and nobody ever blamed her. How people had to take all the initiative because God forbid she would ever have a single, original thought instead of going with the flow. Although it wouldn't matter because they would follow anything she does and praise her like she cured cancer. How she doesn't have to make the hard decisions in life. There's always someone there to whisper it in her ear. And than fully pretend she did it all on her own. It's a pity though, she is rather smart. But it's true, she doesn't have an own opinion, she doesn't have an edge, she's plain, smooth and actually quite boring.

Since I realised that, my life could finally go on.


PS What do you guys think? Please don't hate me for making Jess so angry toward Rory BUT I do think people don't question her enough. Also keep in mind this is actually happening before season 4… so a lot has yet to come!