Becky: Today in our A/N we have a special guest: Voldemort! This person went to climb Mount Everest to discover the meaning of turkeys when during a freak accident he- no wait that was his secret brother. This guy just got killed by a baby.
Katherine: Let's just skip to the interview huge bang, swishing of cloak and Voldemort appears, in a cloud of dust, coughing slightly
Voldemort: Hi. My name is Voldemort. I'd like to kill you all.
Katherine: Ummm...right? Now let's just skip to the chase- can you help us kidnap JK. Rowling?
Voldemort: You mean the author who created me? Who brought my evilness to life and helped me to conquer the Wizarding world? The one who plans to kill Harry in the seventh book and help me conquer the Muggle world also? You want me to go against her?
Becky: Well, um, yeah.
Voldemort: Okay. That sounds cool.
Long pause
Voldemort: What am I meant to do?
Katherine: Come up with a cool plan to help us?
Voldemort: That's Lucius' job. Go get him.
Katherine: Now we have to go for plotting and scheming-
Voldemort: And a manicure
Katherine: Alright, and a manicure-
Voldemort: And I need my hair done.
Katherine: Right, and your hair done, and then we shall WAIT A SEC!
Voldemort: Well evilness has to be cool here. Sheesh.
Katherine: Right... but then we shall have a special interview next chapter with none other than Lucius Malfoy!
Voldemort: And his little brat Draco.
Katherine starts hyperventilating Voldemort: What?
Becky: Katherine fancies Draco
Voldemort: She does? Why?
Becky: Because she does.
Voldemort: Fair enough.
Katherine: cough On with the chapter! March on my brave soldiers!
Becky: We're not your slaves you know. Or soldiers. Voldie, let's go back to discussing Katherine's love-life. It's more interesting than the chapter.
At a ridiculously early time the next morning…
"NEXT…NEXT…NEXT…RUBBISH. NEXT…"
A small first year bust into tears before picking up his banjo, and running screaming from the room.
Professor Snape turned to face his fellow audition-er. "Don't you think that was a little harsh, Professor McGonagall? It's not his fault that the only tune he knows is 'Turkey in the Straw'"
Her knuckles white, her face purple, her toes green, the only words she could say were "I…HATE…THAT…SONG!"
Professor Snape shrugged, mentally filing that information away for future blackmail material. "NEXT." He yelled.
Outside of the door, the queue was…well, let's just say that a spider would have a hard time trying to breath, let alone move. People had been lining up for hours; mostly because of a rumour that Dumbledore had spread around that the whole cast would get let off the end of year exams, a good enough reason for anybody to want to ridicule themselves in front of hundreds of people. The rumour was untrue, of course, but it didn't stop Dumbledore announcing it in front of the whole school and putting up multicoloured flashing posters everywhere about it.
The queue was so long in fact, it even reached up to the Astronomy Tower, where our famous trio were still asleep, along with everyone else in the class apart from Professor Sinistra and Mr Filch making out in the corner and doing…ahem…do you really want to know?
"Ow!" yelled Harry when he finally awoke (half an hour after his hand was repeatedly trodden on by an overly enthusiastic first year. Just because he's a hero doesn't mean he has to have fast reactions. Wait, Rowling says he does? Damn), only to see…well…nothing. For a moment he panicked, wondering whether this was some evil plan by Draco so that he was easier to beat up. Maybe it was a prank by one of the aspiring Fred-and-Georges. It was only when the first year started jumping up and down again on his hand that he realised the reason he couldn't see was that his eyes were being trodden on. Very heavily.
Heaving the various people standing on him out of the way, sending most of them out of the window (he never was a morning person) he stood up, wondering why there were so many people in the astronomy tower. Eventually he managed to shove his way through the crowd until he reached a brown blob that looked suspiciously like Hermione sandwiched between the floor and several shoes of various sizes. He dragged her upright (lets just say that the pile outside the window was getting continuously larger), punched her a few times to wake her up, and dragged her to the only place in the tower where there was enough room to stand. Right by the two teachers.
"Hermione, what's going on?" Harry said, trying desperately to ignore the two teachers in the corner.
"This must be for the auditions. I never thought they'd be this popular!" she said, accidentally glancing at Sinistra and Filch, before vomiting out of the window. When she was sure that the people below her were sufficiently covered in puke, she continued. "Where's Ron?"
"I dunno. You wanna join the queue?"
"Ok then."
"NEXT!"
Crabbe crawled into the room and stood about 10 metres from the teachers.
"Right then, if you would care to begin."
Silence.
"When you're ready."
A grunt.
"In your own time."
Ten minutes later Snape threw a shoe at him. It bounced back, and Crabbe finally moved.
"Well? Did I get the part?" he said in a voice so dull he made a corpse sound like an opera singer.
"I'm sorry Crabbe, but all the tree parts have already been taken."
"Why would I want to be a tree?" He said, thoroughly disgusted. "Trees are for girls!"
"But you just did it line perfect…"
"I auditioned for a rock!"
Snape groaned. Why couldn't there be just one Slytherin who was sane enough to be in the play. Just one.
McGonagall however was delighted. "Ahh, at last, though you appeared to be a little bit off with your lines. It was supposed to be 'Ug', not 'Uh'. No matter, I think we can still squeeze you in somewhere…NEXT!"
Crabbe slouched slowly back out of the room, just as Draco swept in.
"My love, worry not." he intoned, trying to make it sound wise and meaningful. "For I shall be your sunshine, your protector, your love, your…"
"Court jester?" McGonagall continued for him.
Snape looked outraged. "Professor, what are you doing? This boy obviously has natural talent. We should be trying to encourage that. He should be the star, the lead, the biggest part in the show!"
"But he didn't even read the set lines for the audition."
Draco snorted "Yeah yeah yeah. To be or not to be, that is the question, yada yada yada. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Where is the sense of drama, the passion, the…"
"He was using his initiative." Snape interrupted.
"…the sense of valour, a hero fighting all to win the love of a fair lady…"
"Oh shut up you ponse, I'm trying to defend you here!"
"I am going to be in this play whether you like it or not. Just ask my mummy…" Draco stopped, suddenly aware of the hundreds of people standing outside the door, listening to every word he said. "I mean, if you don't give me a part, my father will have you both sacked." He said, an overly smug look on his face.
"He is brilliant, can you not see that. And he has made such a great effort for this play. He's even stopped wetting himself last week! Although he still needs his teddy for comfort sometimes…"
However by this point Professor McGonagall had stopped listening (even if the hundreds of people outside the door had not), and was now looking at Draco with a decidedly evil grin on his face. Eventually she stated, with an evil cackle "I have just the right part for you." And she wrote it down on her sheet before anyone could stop her.
Snape looked at the part, then cheered. "Draco, you've done it! You have one of the best parts in the play! I always knew I was leader of this house for something! "My ickkle Dracokins has done it at last!"
Professor McGonagall looked at him strangely "How much of the book have you read?"
"Well, I'm at about chapter 3, but I read your summary…"
"Good. NEXT!"
And with Snape still giggling at supposedly getting one over McGonagall, Hermione was pushed into the room.
Professor McGonagall just glared at her, and said "And what are you doing here Miss Granger?"
"I…well…I…"
"Jolly good. Now just read the girl's speech so we can move along."
Hermione started robotically reading the lines. "Please. Do. Not. Leave. Me. I. Do. Not. Think. I. Can. Bear. It. I. Love. You. So. Much. And…" she stopped and quickly read through the rest of her audition piece, her face turning gradually redder and redder, before bursting out angrily "I heard this is an action play, so why does the women have to be total wimps. I mean really, aren't girls allowed to fight too? We live in an equal society, and…"
"NEXT!"
Harry walked in, grabbed Hermione, dragged her back out, ignored her continuous babble, and came back in to audition. He stood in his most heroic, Shakespearean pose and said dramatically,
"To be, or…"
"Brilliant, superb, magnifiso!" McGonagall cried, standing up and wiping fake tears of pride out of her eyes.
"And she says I overdo it." Snape muttered under his breath. "Please Professor, stop making a scene."
"…bravo, encore, fantastique…"
"All right, all right, he's got a part, now will you please stop yelling" Snape growled.
"…hooray, congratulations…felicitations…well done…"
"Are you quite finished?"
"Ahem." Ron said, already standing in Harry's place, and already blushing Disney red.
"Ah yes, Mr Weasley" said Professor McGonagall, already regaining her Anne Robinson glare.
"Erm…well…I guess…erm…to be or not to be, that is the question?" he said, trying to dig a hole in the floor with one of his shoes.
"NEX- ow!" Snape said, rubbing his leg as McGonagall started franticly whispering in his ear.
"You can't refuse him a part, or Harry will refuse to come too."
"Your point being? And what part could he play anyway? It would have to be one with almost no lines!"
Professor McGonagall, glancing round as if scared someone else was watching her, wrote one word down on her piece of paper.
"Him!" Snape cried.
"What do you think?"
Snape looked critically at Ron for a moment, who looked like he was trying to get to Australia. The muggle way. "Well he has been getting taller lately…"
"And his hair does seem to be getting longer each film…"
"…and almost no lines. But what about all those tightrope scenes? He's clumsier than a drunken bat!"
"Exactly. We could do with a comic element to stop everyone falling asleep."
"Erm, excuse me?" said a tiny voice from a black hole in the ground. "But what have I just been volunteered for?"
"Ooo, you're evil."
"Thank you." Said Professor McGonagall "I practice. NEXT!"
The next morning (I'm too lazy to write the rest of the auditions. Let's just say that both Snape and McGonagall are currently in regular therapy.) The trio woke up in their beds to the usual sounds of screaming and the electric drills that were currently digging up the Quidditch pitch, and met up in the common room to walk down to breakfast.
"…and the look on Draco's face when Snape…"
"…I feel so sorry for poor Benji. They didn't even listen to his…"
"…did you see the colour Ron turned when…?"
"…I didn't think it was possible to turn that shade of violet…"
Talk of the auditions was everywhere, from the common rooms to the lake to the make-out towe- sorry, I mean the astronomy tower. Even the giant squid thing was talking about it (He'd auditioned for the part of 'Grotesque Monster Number 7') And it was absolutely no surprise whatsoever (especially from Harry, who had come to expect his daily torment. He found it very refreshing) when Draco sauntered up to Harry at breakfast with his minions…I mean followers.
"Do you like coming over here or something?" Harry said, without even turning round.
Draco turned pink. "Hey, it's not my fault if your house keeps stealing all the chocolate spread!"
"Well, why'd you come over here this morning?" Ron said, his ears still pink from the schools constant torment.
"Oh, just to gloat as always."
"About anything in particular?"
"Yes. I just got one of the main parts in the play. Professor Snape told me." Draco stood proudly, kicking his minions when they forgot to clap on cue.
"Well done." Drawled Harry in his most sarcastic voice (which, it should be noted, wasn't very good. Hey, he's a hero. They're not meant to know the meaning of the word mean.) "And considering how Snape was half of the judging panel, that's a great achievement."
"Hey, I think they're posting up the rest of the cast now. Why don't we all go and see what crappy parts your head of house decided to give you." Gloated Draco, rubbing his hands with glee. (It came in a big pot. He ordered it by owl post.)
And so the foursome (plus Draco's 'friends', who have yet to be classified as part of the human race) made their way to the part of the castle that no sane person ever went to look at. The Notice Board.
After elbowing their way through the crowds they finally made their way to the front of the queue, where they began to slowly read the notice posted there.
"Aw, well done mate." Ron said to Harry. "Your names top on the list!"
"Yours isn't too far down yourself Ron." Harry replied. "Even Hermione got a part! Hermione?" Hermione however was, for once, silent.
"Erm, Draco? Do you know anything about the plot of this particular…erm…play?" Hermione said in a small voice, and evil grin to match McGonagall's on her face.
"Well, no. But Professor Snape told me it's one of the best…"
"Good."
And with that, she started to cackle. Evilly.
AN: This is your captain Kattikit speaking. May I just add this disclaimer to say that I hold no responsibility for the content of the authors' note at the top of the page (no, don't go back up to read it again. Please. Noooooooooo!) I only left the above in because I felt guilty about making Hyperkitti guilty about…etc. I do not fancy Draco in any shape, way or form, and even if I did my love life with my ickle Dracokins……damn!
