Disclaimer: I'm in college – so I can't possibly own anything related GG except for my own thoughts about it.
Chapter 2: Autumn at Yale
Autumn is not my favourite season but I can't not like it. Especially when it's rainy and clouded, when you can smell the rotting earth and the mush rooms, then I like it the most. It's no weather to go outside and do something so for once I don't have to justify reading in my bed or on the couch, underneath some blankets whilst leaning against some of the softest cushions with a pencil and some coffee within reach.
Right now this season suits me. I'm still on the edge of getting over my last boyfriend so I find myself many times staring into space, thoughts and remembrances of us still lingering inside me. Occasionally I find myself longing for him. But the occasions where that happens become more rare and shorter in time. It's good... It's a good thing. It's a good thing I'm almost over him. But I'm not quite over him yet… so here I am, feeling alone, scared and vulnerable.
I'm at Yale. I always wanted to go to college but I really underestimated the impact of it. Living alone, doing laundry, making sure I eat. And than of course there is Yale itself. The buildings that send these ancient, almost holy vibe. When you're walking around Yale, alone and when there aren't many people on campus, it can really give you the creeps. The people at Yale are also different – they are all smart, they all had the best grades (and the money to pay the tuition) – every single one of these people is my equal. I'm not the primus any longer. The wok load is enormous, the demands high and the competition strong. Sometimes, I just sit on my bed and cry, because more and more I get the feeling I can't handle it. That has never ever happened to me before… and I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't really go to someone to talk about it: Paris is just too busy with professor Flemming, my mom would try to cheer me up by saying I will be fine and that I'm smart enough... exactly the two things I doubt the most at the moment. I miss someone I could share anything with, who really listens and gives decent advice.
Once I had someone like that…
But he left. He left me. He left me all alone without telling. As usual. Everyone always said I couldn't count on him, that he was trouble, that he would treat me bad. Turns out they were right… although I haven't yet figured out whether they were right because they saw it happening or that they were right because he just handled like they wanted him too. It's hard to believe Jess would let someone push him in some sort of direction… but it was all so subtle. It was never said out loud. And we all are under the influence of society. Why do we want to be thin, with flat tummies and no cellulite? Why do we want that kind of jacket, that pair of shoes? Because it's fashion, because otherwise people would make fun of you… Maybe, in a very subtle way, the town's opinion about Jess made it come true, like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. They all had his prejudices about him, but as a matter of fact: nobody knew anything about him. Including me. Even Luke didn't.
We knew he was sent to Stars Hollow by his mom who was busy and couldn't handle him. He got in some kind of trouble, therefore he is trouble all the way. We never knew what kind of trouble? He ditched school? He stole some cd's? He robbed a liquor store? Who knows anyway?
But maybe the problem didn't lie with Jess, but with Liz. Which isn't really hard to believe, she wouldn't have been able to handle me. Of course, Jess isn't exactly the nice, polite, perfect son-in-law. He didn't always behave that well but what would you be like if you moved from New York to Stars Hollow? No wonder he did some pranks, nothing ever happens in Stars Hollow… of course he was angry and cynical: your own mother sent you away! To live with an uncle! In a small, crazy town!
I sighed. It was really confusing to think about it. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Was I defending him? Was I making up excuses so I didn't have to face all the bad things he'd done? And what did it mean, that I did this? My mind was going around and around and around… it drove me crazy…
I didn't get to say goodbye. We never called after that last time when I said I might have loved him. I'm really certain that I didn't just 'might' have loved him. I had loved him, deeply. I loved him too much. Maybe I scared him away… with all my love. He's a free bird, maybe he'd feel suffocated? I had so many questions… and so many fantasies about when we would see each other again. In one fantasy I would flow into his arms and forgive him instantly, in another one I would make a terrible scene and telling him all I've been though because of him. I wondered what he would say, or what he would do… Would he say 'I'm sorry?' Would he ignore me? What if I was in a terrible accident, would he come and visit me? What if I got cancer and I was really ill and I would ask people to come to me to say goodbye. Would he come if I invited him? Would I invite him… rationally I couldn't think of any reason why, but I couldn't imagine not inviting him… not ever seeing him again… But it was very likely that was going to be the case though…
I've been over this before. Many times before. I've been thinking about it all summer, in Europe. Especially at night, lying in a strange bed in a strange country with strange food, toilets and another language. I missed him like crazy. I missed his arms round me. I missed staring in his warm yet mysterious eyes. I missed kissing him. I missed his hugs, his smile, his attitude when he was reading and didn't know I was watching. I missed wanting him. I missed him. I couldn't help it. Sometimes, my body ached from all the missing… and the disappointment when I thought I saw him but as it turned out, I never did. In Italy this was hard. Men there have really similar attitudes and looks… Thank God we didn't visit that country until the last week. I don't think I could've handled it.
I find myself staring out of the window, my head in my hands, watching the rain pouring down. It's a dark day, a down day. I don't put on the lights in my room and I just keep staring out of the window, thinking nothing in particular. I just let myself be… I feel dark and down. The weather has certainly something to do with that. I don't mind though. I'm quite calm. It's been a long time since I've been calm. I had months of raging feelings through my body. You really know you're alive than, but I definitely enjoyed the peace and quiet inside of me right now.
Maybe it would all be okay one day… but until then I just had to hang in there. Not give up Yale. I would make some friends eventually. When I was ready. But right now, I just couldn't get myself to go out there, to be vulnerable to critic of people who don't know me at all. And I definitely wasn't ready to date… yet. I've had had enough for a while, enough emotional suffering, enough boy trouble, enough tears. But I was strong. One day, I'll be fine. I just hope this day will come soon…
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