Disclaimer: don't own it. Wish I did though… the sentence 'isn't that ironic, don't you think?' is part of the chorus of the song 'Ironic' by Alanis Morrisette.
A/N: For the time references: in my mind Jess left Rory at the beginning of May. The autumn parts were at the end of September/ the beginning of October. Now it's the beginning of February (but Valentine's day hasn't passed yet)
Chapter 3: Winter in New York
I like winter. It's cold, harsh, all plants are acting to be dead just to survive (Isn't that ironic? Don't you think?). It can be gray and cloudy for days, with a cold wind that freezes your ears and nose of. But it can also be bright. A fierce blue sky, a shining sun but freezing like hell. At those times you can smell the ice in the rarefied air. And than of course there's snow… it can be very wet, like rain, but I can also be very heavy. Than the world gets so quiet… it's like a miracle. The snow takes all the sound of the world and silences it, so that people become more aware of it... or at least that's what I'd like to think.
Unfortunately, whenever it snows, I get reminded of her. The girl with the long, brown hair and the bright, blue eyes. There were times when her eyes were just as fierce as a cold winter sky. I used to stare in them and lose all track of time. I'd drawn in them, I'd see the world and the stars and her life in them. No other part of her body could tell me so much as her eyes.
It's behind me though. I moved on. It's been 10 months now… these past few months haven't been easy but with the shift from autumn to winter, I realised I was thinking less and less about her, that it hurt less. I didn't have to cry anymore, I didn't sat for my windows just staring into nothing for hours and hours and hours. Those days lay behind me. Rory wasn't an issue for me anymore. It was done, in the past, finito, next!
Or not really next… I still couldn't get myself to date. I didn't find any women who were attractive in my eyes. Now that I knew what a real relationship was like, I didn't want a stupid fling with some bimbo. I wanted something real… and I would try very hard not to screw it up this time, that's for sure!
My mom would surely like to see me with a girl. She never knew about Rory. She wasn't around when it happened and I don't feel the urge to tell her, although we have grown towards each other since we started calling each other a couple of times a week. Still, if she knew, she would probably kick my ass back to Stars Hollow to apologize. I don't want that… not because I don't want to apologize, but I can't handle a confrontation with Rory. Yet. I hope… but maybe I'll never see her again… it would be weird to never see her again. But I can't really do anything about that, could I? Yeah, I could go to Stars Hollow or Yale… but then what? In Stars Hollow they would chase me with reek forks in their hands, screaming to never come back and when I'm running far far away over the hills they would build a party because I'm never coming back. And I don't want to go to Yale… too confronting… besides, she can also come to me… People know where I am…
I started calling Luke once a week also. He was there for me. I didn't get it then… and I certainly didn't appreciate it. But I'm a loner, I like to be left alone, read, listen to music… I don't like to be pushed around. I realize that I must undergo some sort of influence from society… even reacting against an influence is an influence of course. Life's complicated.
Luke stole my car! I can't believe it… the hypocrite! He talks to me and mentions nothing about it… yeah of course, I didn't ask him about it but how would I know he would do something like that? I can't fucking believe it! It's outrageous! What did I ever do to him? I never stole from him, although I easily could have. We didn't do much talking but I never bothered him. I didn't even make fun of him with Nicole… jeez! I'm out of breath from running to the bus. All the way from New York to Stars Hollow I'm boiling inside. I can't remember the last time I was this angry with someone. I've even never been angry with Luke. Really angry that is. As a teenager I was angry all the time. But that doesn't count, it was a pose, a way of handling things… but this really gets me over the top. I did NOT deserve this! I just didn't! I needed that car to work. Thanks to Luke I lost my job! Thanks Luke, thank you so much for your unwanted and undesired intervention in my life! I felt disgusted… I couldn't believe I ever thought he wanted the best for me!
And then suddenly I got it. Luke hid my car because he didn't want me to work but go to school. It was his kinda primitive way to let me do the right thing. The right thing from his perspective that was. I felt I was getting angry again. But deep down, I knew it was the right thing, graduating… going from nobody to somebody. Everybody had to live the American dream. He had been right also, Luke… I would never tell him that, of course, but I knew he was. I don't really like who I am now… picking up some jobs, having this apartment that's on the edge of falling apart. I don't get close to anyone though, nobody tells me what to do, I'm free! But I'm also alone. Not that I need or like that many people or that I need to have 'm around me but still… someone to talk to, someone to take care of and give care to. I miss that. Although I realize that it would come with a great deal of compromises. I don't know if I'm willing to do that, yet. But still… yeah I could talk to Luke and to my mom. I could even try T.J. (uh I don't think so!) but it's not the same is it. They're not there when you're ill or sad or had a bad day. I can call them but you never know if you're interrupting.
I got lost in thought for a while, while I was staring outside the window. I was going back to Stars Hollow. I never thought I would see it again. I'm just going to pick up the car. Not that I need it or can afford it. I don't even know in what shape it is. It stood still in some garage for two years. That can't cause too much damage can it? But I have to come and get the car. It's a matter of principle. It belongs to me, I owe it! It kinda scared me when I thought that. Never knew I was that much of a capitalist. But you can't avoid an influence from society I guess.
Back to Stars Hollow. Back to Rory… oh well, with some luck I wouldn't run into her. Just taking the car, not a word to Luke, not even to Liz. I'll talk to her on the phone. Luke can call me. I don't know if I would answer though. The sneaky bastard, stealing my car!
Rory… it was weird thinking about her. I was calm about it, I spent months feeling sad about not being with her, but time heals… especially when you want to forget. I thought about it too intense for too long… it's done now. It's over. I know that, I get that. Still, I have some regrets. Things I should've said, things I should've done. Things I realized when it was too late. Like that I love her. Or had loved her… or had been in love with her. I realized it a couple of weeks ago, it kinda hit me. I was knocked out for a couple of days. I couldn't concentrate, I didn't know what tp do. I thought I was forgetting about her, I thought I was over it. It took me a while to realize that this discovery meant that I wasn't over her. I was, it's just… at some point in time, I really did love her, and I had been in love with her. That was in the past though, right where it should be.
Still I couldn't help it wondering how is she doing? How's Yale? How does she look?
Maybe I would find out… maybe I wouldn't. We entered Stars Hollow. 'Here I come!'
To be continued…. sorry that the updates take so long but I really got a lot of work to do...
