No characters mentioned here are the property of Slywolf. As a further note, at no time is any disrespect meant to L. Frank Baum or his work. One of my greatest childhood memories is reading the Wizard of Oz and its sequels, and while calling it a tribute is probably going too far...
I am deeply, deeply sorry for anyone who may be offended by the following chapter.
Thank you for your forbearance, and on with the show.
Chapter 19: The Lizard of Oz
Part 37: Follow the pastel road!
Falcon rubbed his eyes, tired. Then he leaned forward, and tried again. "Gooey. If I put these beans on the table," he put three beans on the table, "how many beans are there?"
The brightly coloured blob rolled on its side for a second, and then its tongue shot out, eating the beans. Falcon stared at Gooey for a second, and then buried his face in his hands. 'Why? Why me! Dear God, was I a serial killer in a past life?'
Mario's voice crackled from the loudspeaker. "Captain Falcon, sir! Planetoid in sight! It appears to be in the shape... of a giant banana."
Falcon sighed again. 'I hate this universe...' Snatching up the speaker, he sent a message back. "Bring us down near a village in the outskirts!"
Wario picked up the little Noki, shaking him. "Hand over all your lunch money, creep!" The yellow plumber giggled a bit, and then threw the shellfish man into a wall. The Noki curled up into his shell, shuddering. Wario growled. "Now!"
"Yes, oh wicked twit of the east..." the Noki ran for his house.
Wario leapt onto a statue of himself, and raised his hands into the air. "I AM YOUR GOD! I AM YOUR MASTER! ALL HAIL ME, THE WICKED TWIT OF THE... splat!" Where Wario and statue had once been, there was now a large spaceship.
The nokis all gathered around, watching as a ramp extended from the rear, and some figures walked, waddled, and rolled from the starship. The man in the helmet raised his hand. "We come in peace!"
"They've killed the twit!"
Mario blinked. "The who?"
"The wicked twit of the east! You landed your house on top of him!"
Mario looked underneath the ramp. Wario had been squashed, and all that pointed out were his feet. "Ich..."
Falcon was holding his hands up. "Now, hold on... we didn't kill anyone..." He wiped his brow. "Now, we're looking for rocket fuel... Mario? What are you looking at?"
"He's... he's definitely dead..." Mario almost threw up. "Living people are generally 3-dimensional." The plumber pulled off his late counterpart's clown shoes. "Reckon they'd fit?"
Falcon felt his blood pressure rise. "What the hell are you doing?" He held up his hand. "Never mind... I'm sure I don't want to know." He turned to the Noki who appeared to be in charge. "So, any of you walking sea-shells know where we can get starship fuel?"
They all shook their heads. One old man raised a hand, though. "You might visit the Lizard! He knows all!"
The long-suffering starship captain rubbed his eyes. "The... lizard?" He asked, wondering if this was all some strange dream. 'If so, that's the last time I have a maxim tomato on an empty stomach.' Deciding to go with considering this to be reality, he nodded. "Okay, where do we find this lizard?"
The old man pointed down the avenue to an absurdly bright blue road. "Follow the pastel-blue brick road!"
Falcon raised an eyebrow. "Okay..." he decided to follow the path of least resistance, nodding cheerfully. At least until all the nokis started to sing. Then he drew his blaster. "Stop that. Now."
He threw the blaster to Mario, who looked confused as to what to do with it. "If any of them start singing, hurt them with your violence."
"But...we're the heroes..." Mario said, dumbfounded.
"Funny how that works out. Trust me, you'll be doing the galaxy a favour." The captain turned back and shouted into the starship, "Oi! Kirbster! You and the blue thing and the hamster get down here! And tell the monkey and the green hungry lizard to stand point! We're off to see the Lizard!" His lip curled. "The fantastical Lizard of Oz."
The aged noki looked impressed. "Wow! How'd you know that he lived in the amethyst City of Oz?"
Falcon pinched his nose. "Mario? Hurt him with your violence."
Falcon gazed, open-mouthed, at the immense amethyst spire. "It's so... Prettiful..." His expression became unreadable for his companions when he saw the big sign on the road.
G'day, Mates! Welcome to the Amethyst City of Oz!
Is what it said, encased in an immense speech bubble coming from a Pianta in a bush-hat.
Kirby and Ricky looked at one another and shook their heads when Falcon curled up on the road and started to roll back and forth. 'I'd cry, but there aren't enough tears in the world...' The captain thought as he managed to regain his sense of equilibrium, though his lip still wobbled. "Okay, enough cursing the reality that allows such things to be. Let's go get the fuel to get off of this planet, so we can restore the Federation and then destroy this world and all its inhabitants!"
Ricky opened his mouth, as if he was about to say something. Then he closed it, shaking his head again. 'I think Falcon's lost that subtle mental connection between being a hero, and doing heroic deeds.'
Falcon slammed his fist on the tower's door. "We want to see the Lizard!" He shouted, jiggling the handle again.
A peephole slid open, and a noki looked out. "The Great and Powerful Lizard is not seeing anyone at this moment. Go away." It slammed the porthole shut.
Kirby pushed Falcon out of the way and knocked on the door himself. When the noki opened the porthole and started to shout, "I said go away!"...
There was a suction noise, and then Kirby passed the keys up to the mildly disgusted Falcon. "Here you are, captain, oh, my captain."
"I'll 'captain' you, you over-sized gumball..." Falcon stuffed the key into the lock, grimacing.
Our team of brave heroes boldly entered the Amethyst spire, weapons and tongues at the ready. Every shadow was a koopa ready to jump, and every rock a goomba. None of them were particularly concerned with why there were rocks in a palace, but they still stuck out like sore-thumbs. Then... they came to an immense room. Purple flames burnt on each side of a gigantic throne, and huge curtains swept through the far distance.
When Falcon stepped in, an immense booming voice came from nowhere. Who dares disturb the great and powerful Lizard of Oz?
Falcon coughed. "I am Captain Falcon, a bounty hunter working for the Federation. I have come here to search for rocket fuel."
FOOL! The room shook at the loud voice, and suddenly an immense green glowing orb appeared above the throne. What care I for your pathetic problems? I am the Lizard of Oz!
Falcon sighed. "We've established that... now, look. We don't want to be here. We just want to get our starship fuel, so we can leave. If this is about us killing that fat guy... what was he called? The Wicked Twat of the East, or something like that..."
The orb flickered. You killed the Wicked Twit of the East? Then I will of course be glad to help you. The Wicked Twit of the West, his brother, has... what's that rolling ball doing? Stop it! Keep away from that curtain!
Gooey licked a tongue around a big rope, and then pulled on it, trying to make a bell ring. Or something. It's unlikely that any actual thought processes intruded upon his actions. The results are what mattered. The curtains swept aside, revealing a short koopa in a magician's robes standing on a chair and shouting into a microphone, Pay no attention to the Magikoopa behind the curtains! Oh, he'll be in trouble for this...
Kirby, Falcon and Ricky ran over to join Gooey. Kirby shook his fist at the magikoopa. "So, you're the Lizard of Oz... nothing but a two bit charlatan."
The Magikoopa looked around. "I am not a two-bit charlatan. I am at least a three-bit charlatan," he hissed, angrily. "Now, if I tell you where to find rocket fuel, will you go away and not tell anyone my secret?"
Ricky nodded, before either Falcon or Kirby could say anything. "Done." He turned around to Falcon and mouthed, 'someone as silly as this is what this planet deserves.' Falcon nodded, and kept his silence. The hamster turned back to the Lizard. "Tell us what you know, and we'll go out and tell everyone how magnificent you are... you don't work for Ganon, Bowser, or Mewtwo, right?"
The Lizard looked affronted. "Please. Bowser's the one who put those two twits here in the first place. And neither Ganon nor Mewtwo have passed the time of day with me since I served them spiked punch at the annual villain's ball."
Falcon and Kirby took two steps back, and turned to face each other. "I'm starting to like this guy," Kirby said, bouncing. "Can we keep him?"
Falcon looked thoughtful. "You know that keeping an evil felon's a big responsibility... you'd have to feed him, and water him, and walk him, and keep him from causing global mayhem..." he was cut short by an agonised scream. Falcon and Kirby turned around, dreading what they were about to see.
Ricky lay on the ground, stars spinning around his head. All that was left of the Lizard of Oz was his hat. Gooey, on the other hand, looked amazingly satisfied with himself. "Gooey eat bad-guy! Find shiny metal rock!"
Falcon nodded. "That... that's just great, Gooey. Just...frikkin...great..." he looked like he was once more on the verge of tears, but brightened up when Gooey spat out a yellow pointy rock. "Is that..." he reached forward, and snatched it up. Then screamed as part of the Triforce of Wisdom shook, and then faded into him, its symbol appearing on the back of his right hand. "Well, this alone makes the trip worthwhile. I hope. Now, let's get that rocket fuel... from... um... the wicked twit of the west, I guess... before any of the villains realise what just happened."
"Gooey do good?" The ball asked Kirby, happily.
Kirby looked thoughtful. "I...guess it all balances out... sure. Gooey do good."
Little did our heroes know that they were being watched from afar by a cackling figure... the Wicked Twit of the West. The twit stood up, and opened a window, before grabbing the magical paw from the desk and shrieking, "FLY, MY PRETTIES! FLY!"
Dozens of winged fiends swooped out of the heavens, heading towards the Amethyst city.
Part 38: The Wicked Twit of The West
Falcon and his team looked to the horizon, each of them looking through binoculars. "What do you make of it?" Ricky finally asked, shaking his head.
"We're up against a sick mind here, boys." Falcon spat out his gum. "Sick as in, you know, pathetic," He shook his head.
"Yeah... but flying kittens?" Kirby asked, looking horrified. "Imagine what that'd do to our cred if we won? I can just hear DK saying, 'I am most impressed. You have successfully defeated flying juvenile felines. Perhaps next time, you will bring me, Yoshi and Mario with you, and together we'll stand up against amoebas. Curse their oily unicellular hides!'"
Falcon shook his head, trying to keep from laughing. "Okay, boys... here they come. Get ready..."
Falcon tried to make himself comfortable in the paws of a dozen flying kittens, grumbling. 'Oh, Marth will have a field day over this... and I can just see Mario and DK's expressions when I tell them we got beaten by flying kittens.'
The team was unceremoniously dropped in front of a large, imposing castle. The kittens then soared off to the evil hell from whence they had sprung. They all dusted themselves off, and then pulled out a variety of weapons, ready to take on the master of those kittens of darkness. The doors slowly slid open, and out stepped... "Luigi?" Falcon asked, dumbfounded. "You're the Wicked Twit of the West?"
Luigi shook his head firmly. "Oh, God no." He walked down the stairs, grasping Falcon's hand and shaking it vigorously. "Nice to see you again, Cap'n. How have you been?"
Falcon coughed. "Oh, you know... keeping busy, that's all. How have you been?" He coughed, and pointed to his 'crew'. "Oh, right. These are my fellow heroes. You remember Kirby, of course... oh, and the blue blob is Gooey, and the hamster is Ricky."
"Charmed to meet you, I'm sure. And nice to see you again." Luigi inspected his nails, and then looked up again. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't answer your question. I've been doing fine. You know... ruling the Mushroom Kingdom, being Bowser's 2IC... can't complain, can't complain." He released Falcon's hand, and stepped back. "How's my brother been?"
"Oh, he's doing well... I'll tell him you asked. What about Peach?" Falcon was amazed at how nicely this conversation was going. "Boy... I'm relieved to know you weren't behind those kittens from hell."
Luigi nodded, and gave a big smile. "Peach is fine... she's already had half the guards of her tower room fired for not matching her eyes, if you can believe that." He shrugged. "Unfortunately, you won't be getting the chance to see Mario... you know, me having to kill you and all... sorry about that."
Falcon shrugged. "Eh. I had a good run. But before we have a climactic battle scene and all that... who was responsible for those flying kittens?"
Before Luigi got a chance to answer, a hideous vision leapt down the stairs.
Imagine, if you will, a tall, lanky man with a moustache and a purple cap with an upside down 'L' on it. Then put that man in a purple dominatrix outfit. A very skimpy dominatrix outfit.
Falcon shrieked and curled up into a little ball. "The visor! It does nothing!" The three other heroes all whimpered, stunned into paralysis. Falcon started to suck his thumb. He'd faced down Keller, Veran, Luigi... dealt with Goroh and other intergalactic baddies... and never before had he been so scared.
Luigi, admirably, controlled himself. "Waluigi... what did I tell you about wearing that outfit? It's not appropriate."
Waluigi made a 'hurrumph' sound. "You just can't accept that times are changing. You can't keep me down! I have feelings!"
Luigi sighed. "Look, fine... just... kill them and put them out of their misery. Okay?" He shuddered slightly as Waluigi pulled a whip out of 'nowhere' and stepped past him.
Falcon thrust his hand up to protect himself, and suddenly felt a burning sensation in his wrist. The triforce-piece was glowing with a blinding light, right into Waluigi's eyes. The 'dominatrix' shrieked, throwing the rope aside. He started to run around in circles.
"I'm blind! I'm blind!" Waluigi tripped over one of the bridge's railings. "Wha? NOOOOOOOOO!"
Luigi looked out over the bridge's sides, and shook his head. Turning back to Falcon, he looked incredibly foolish. "Oh, how dreadfully embarrassing... I'm so sorry you had to see that..." he shuddered. "I won't talk, if you won't."
Falcon nodded. "Deal." They both shook hands. "So, you won't be killing us?"
Luigi shuddered and shook his head. "I'm going to go have a shower. Then a bath. Then a shower again. Sorry, can't fit you in."
Falcon nodded. "Okay... you wouldn't happen to have any starship fuel, would you? And that sounds like a nice idea... after I wash my eyes out with soap."
Captain Douglas Falcon of the Federation's Freedom Fighters stood on the bridge of his starship, watching the banana-shaped world fly off in the distance. He turned to his crew, and gave a sharp salute, which they all returned. "Let us never speak of this world again."
The other heroes nodded as one.
"Still, we got a triforce piece... I'd count that to be some sort of success. Now, set a course for the Harvest Moon!"
Mario fiddled with some dials. "Aye-aye, sir!"
Part 38b: Somewhere in the depths of space...
Captain Falcon sighed, and pinched his nose again. "So... you don't know where the Harvest Moon is. And you've been navigating primarily by luck."
Mario shook his head. "Sorry, Captain."
"Just super."
I would like to point out that this chapter is a work of humour, in order to bring back a touch of lightness to a story which will shortly get very dark indeed, and that I am in no way 'homophobic'. I checked with a 'gay' friend of mine, and he found the sequence amusing. Also, he himself said that considering just who it is... he would also react very much like Captain Falcon. Please direct all flames on that subject to my e-mail, where I will be able to deal with each of you on a one-to-one basis.
That aside, I'd like to thank all of my loyal fans for being so patient. And, after much consultation with a variety of focus groups, I can solemnly promise that the next chapter, which should be up within the week, will contain something that many of you have been clamouring for.
Marth vs. Keller. One stock bout. Boo-yah.
