Ten
It was a cold winter day, the day she found out his secret. December 15, 1974. It was the kind of day where your breath hangs frozen in mid-air, the kind of day where even when you're in your least favorite class, you look out the window and are suddenly glad to be inside and out of the swirling mist of cold and snow. It was the kind of day where all you want to do is sit by a fire, sipping hot cocoa through a large mug. It was a day that changed Lina's life forever.
The day itself was pretty much normal – avoiding Snape's ever-watchful eye, trying desperately to be the top student, staying away from John (who was suddenly drawing loser by the minute). Lina had never felt this way about John before – he was scaring her. It was like he was stalking her, but only in her mind. It seemed like every corner she turned, there he was, with a smirk on his face. He even haunted her in her dreams – she had had visions of him flirting with her, and then Remus accusing her of doing the same thing she had accused him of. Before, it had been like John loved her, and she was the only person he cared about in the world. Now, it was the same way, but to a completely different level. And Lina didn't like it.
After dinner that night, Remus rushed away from them all quickly. She grabbed his arm to stop him. She was sick of this happening – she wanted an explanation.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'll meet you back in the Common Room," he said simply, wrenching his arm away from her. But she kept a firm hold.
"You didn't answer my question. Where are you going?" she pursued. She was going to get an answer out of him this time.
"I said, I'll meet you back in the Common Room! Now, let go!" he said gruffly. He ripped away from her and stalked off, at almost a run.
Lina turned to Sirius and queried, "What's up with him lately?"
"Oh, he's just not feeling well lately," he replied.
"Still, there's no reason for him to treat me like that," she said.
"Of course not, it's just . . . you wouldn't understand."
"But I want to understand! I'm sick of not understanding! Why am I his girlfriend and yet I'm the only one who doesn't get it? Why would he keep something from me like this?" she cried.
"I don't know, ask him," Sirius said. She gave him a look of utter disappointment, and he said, "Fine. I'll go talk to him. Are you happy now?" She smiled, proud of herself. With that, he stood up and walked out after Remus.
Lina restlessly ate the rest of her meal. She was nervous for Remus – he had been acting weird all day. He had avoided her, ignored her, and had barely said a word to her. She knew something was wrong – why couldn't he just tell her what was the matter?
After only a couple of minutes, Lina decided she didn't feel like desert and went up to the Common Room. On her way there, she met up with Rosalie, the portrait that guarded the door to her private bedroom.
"Hello there, Lina."
"Hi, Rosalie," she said somberly.
"What's the matter? You don't look very happy," Rosalie said.
"Something's wrong with Remus. He has been acting funny all day. I'm worried about him."
Rosalie sighed and said, "Yes, I suppose you're in your right place to be worried. I would be worried if my boyfriend was acting weird like that."
"Yes . . . wait a minute, how do you know that Remus is my boyfriend?" Lina cried.
"We know all of the gossip in the school, we portraits do. Anything and everything that happens will happen in front of one of us. And then we travel from frame to frame and discuss the things we saw. Also, we get information from the ghosts. Word travels fast around Hogwarts," Rosalie explained knowledgably.
"You won't tell my father, will you?"
"Of course not, dear," Rosalie said. "Now hurry along. I'm sure Remus is anxious and ready to see you."
Lina did as Rosalie said and headed towards the Common Room. Unfortunately, when she walked through the portrait hole, she heard voices yelling to each other. She hid along the wall to eavesdrop.
"Remus, it's been a secret for long enough! It's not fair to keep her in the dark like this. She's really worried about you. How long must we do this?" cried a voice Lina recognized as belonging to Sirius.
"I don't know, mate. What if she dumps me, like Carolina did? I couldn't take it. I can't lose Celina because of a stupid secret. I don't want to take that chance," hissed Remus.
"But what if she dumps you because she feels you're being too secretive? I'd know, mate. It's happened to me before," Sirius sighed. "Besides, if she dumps you because of it, then you'll know she's not worth loving. Anyone who fears you because of who you are doesn't deserve you. And if you think about it, mate, Carolina dumped you because she's a player and cheated on you. That's a completely different thing."
She heard a fist slamming down on a table, then Remus' voice shouting, "Sirius, I just don't want to take that chance! She's the only person who has really cared about me as more than a friend. And I cannot lose her."
Around the corner, she saw Sirius put a hand on his shoulder. He raised his head.
"She loves you, mate. And nothing you can say will ever change that."
There was a pause. Then:
"Take her with us tonight. If I tell her, she won't believe me. But if she sees it, she will have to believe it."
"I'm not sure that's the best way, mate. You'll recognize us, but not necessarily her. What if you hurt her by accident?" Sirius said timidly.
"Take her with us tonight," Remus repeated firmly.
Lina's heart stopped. She was finally going to find out Remus' secret. And it sounded to her as though it wasn't a good thing. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. But it was too late – she had gotten herself into this, she was going to go through with it.
She was so busy thinking about what the secret may be that she didn't notice Remus coming around the corner. She jumped a foot in the air when she saw him.
"Oh, hey, Remus," she said nonchalantly.
"Lina, I have something to show you," he said quickly. Remus went upstairs to the dormitory and brought down James' invisibility cloak. "Follow me," he said. He and Sirius lead Lina silently to the Grand Staircase, where they were mobbed by the rest of the students coming back from dinner. James and Peter waited for them at the foot of the staircase. They silently turned and walked to a place all too familiar to Lina – Professor Dumbledore's office.
"Lupin," Remus muttered. Instantly, the gargoyle guarding the staircase jumped out of the way to omit the Marauders . . . and Lina.
Lina threw Remus a look and said, "You have your own password?"
He responded with, "Lina, put on the cloak and come with me. As for the rest of you, wait here like usual."
He tossed the cloak to Lina, who covered herself with it. He opened the door and motioned for her to follow.
"Ah, Remus," Dumbledore said.
"Hello, Professor. Is everything ready and set?" he asked.
"Yes. All the necessary preparations have been made," Dumbledore replied.
"Thank you, sir. As always, I would like to express my sincerest appreciation for allowing me to attend under my special circumstances."
"Don't worry about it, Remus," he said. "I believe that no matter who or what a young wizard is, he should be able to receive the same education as anyone else."
"Thank you, sir," Remus said. He looked to where Lina stood under the cloak, the turned and walked away. Lina followed him silently, trying not to breathe too loudly.
Once they were out of earshot, Remus whispered, "Have you figured it out yet?"
"No," she answered truthfully. She had absolutely no idea what was going on here. She gulped. She was soon going to find out.
When they reached the entrance, the Marauders joined Lina under the cloak. Remus, however, stayed visible. Lina would have asked questions, but she didn't want to irritate anyone.
When Remus got to the door, Madame Pomfrey, the nurse, was waiting for him. She opened the door for him and the rest snuck outside. She led them down to a tree, which was flailing its branches like mad. There, she left them with a stick, and turned back to the castle without a word. Once she was gone, Lina threw off the cloak and hissed, "Remus, what is going on here?"
"Hush!" he whispered. She turned to face the rest of the Marauders to ask them the same thing, but they had disappeared. In their place were a stag, a large, black dog, and a small rat. The rat scurried away and under the tree.
"Where'd James, Sirius and Peter go?" Lina asked a disgruntled Remus.
"They're Animagi. They can change into animals by tapping their wands to their foreheads. James is the stag, Sirius is the dog, and Peter is the rat."
Sure enough, at the mention of their names, the stag reared and the dog wagged its tail. The rat continued maneuvering its way around the branches of the tree. He reached a small knot in the tree and pressed it with its paw. Suddenly, the tree stopped flailing. Remus motioned for them to follow, and they followed him under the roots of the tree, into a secret passage beneath it.
The passage wound under the ground. It was a dark, twisted path, lit only by dim torches in the walls. It was obvious that this was fairly new – Lina guessed that it had been dug out around five or so years ago. She followed Remus, who was absolutely silent, until she could no longer take it.
"Remus, where are we going?" she asked, breathless from running around so much.
"We're almost there" was his answer. Reluctantly, she continued after him.
After only a couple of minutes, they arrived inside a decrepit old house. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls, furniture was broken, and the place was covered with cobwebs and dust. It seemed to her like a haunted house that the muggles used to speak of before she came to Hogwarts. She moved a bit closer to Remus for protection, but he edged away.
"Where is this place?" she asked timidly, looking around with wild eyes.
"This is where it happens, Leen."
"Where what happens?" she continued.
Remus sighed. The other three, still in their animal forms, stood behind her protectively. Sirius was ready to pounce. James pawed at the ground, his horns out in front of him like swords. Peter, being a rat, didn't have a lot to offer besides sharp teeth, so he hid in the corner in fear.
Finally, Remus turned to face her. He quickly looked to the window, where the moon was beginning to show through the cracked glass.
"I don't have much time before I change. I just want to warn you not to be frightened. James and Sirius will protect you if need be. This may – no, it will – scare you. I just hope that after you find out what I really am, it won't change the way you feel about me. Because I love you, Celina. Remember that. I love you."
Lina bit her lip. She reached out to touch his hand, but he jerked back violently.
"What is going on here? Can't you just tell me?"
But before she could say another word, the room was suddenly filled with moonlight. Remus stood still as a statue, looking at the ground, his eyes closed. At first, nothing happened. But then . . .
He changed.
Fur grew from his hands. His finger and toe nails turned into sharp, pointed claws. His knees inverted. His nose and teeth elongated. His eyes raged like a wild fire, and suddenly, Celina knew that Remus was no longer Remus.
In front of her was a dark, scraggly wolf.
She screamed and hid behind the giant stag.
"You're . . . you're a werewolf!" she shrieked. The thing before her stood to full height. It was a lot taller
than she was. It looked around, noticing all of these other animals around him. But then, his eyes fell on Lina.
He growled and bared his teeth at her. She backed farther into the corner. He advanced on her slowly, savoring the moment before he caught his prey and tore her apart. She tried to speak, but had no voice. Instead, all that came out was a series of terrified squeaks. A low rumbling came from his throat. And if wolves could smile, she thought she saw his lips curling up maliciously.
When she finally found her voice, she yelped, "Remus! Remus, it's me! It's Lina!"
But the wolf kept creeping closer to her. She was up against the wall, with nowhere else to go. She was trapped. The wolf set up his attack and sprang.
Out of nowhere, a large, black blur came flying towards the wolf, knocking it out of the way. She still had her head attached to her shoulders, but as the dog pushed the wolf away, the wolf's claws scratched her across her left breast, leaving long, dark gashes. She cried out in pain.
As Sirius was struggling with the wolf, he barked a couple of times. James, the stag, picked Lina up by his horns and draped her over his back. He galloped around the house and through the passage, back up to the castle. The whole way there, Lina lay unconscious. But in the back of her mind, she thought she heard yelping and growling coming from the house. Her chest felt like it was being pierced by thousands of white-hot knives. She was gently placed on the ground, her head on a rock. A voice spoke to her. She could barely hear it, like it was off in the distance, calling to her.
"Hang on, Leen, I'm getting help. Just hang on for a little while longer," James said to her. She moaned softly, clutching her chest. She felt warm blood between her fingers from the scratches. James continued to call for help. He spoke in a loud voice to someone else.
"Peter, stay here and watch over her. I'll get Madam Pomfrey."
"Go, quickly!" the other voice shouted back.
She struggled to open her eyes. The blurry outline of Peter stood over her.
"It's going to be alright, Lina. Just hang on. Just hang on."
She tried to lift her head to see him better, but she didn't have the strength. Her head fell back on the rock with a soft clunk.
She knew no more.
Remus awoke. His head was pounding. He opened his eyes and felt his arms and legs. No more hair than usual. He checked his ears – they weren't pointy or furry. He reached into his mouth and tapped his teeth – no longer than they should be. He sighed with relief. He was done.
He casually stood up and walked around the house back to the passage. He was used to walking alone in this desolate place. He hated it, but he was used to it. He hated being a werewolf. It screwed up everything. How come he was the one who was cursed like this? Why couldn't it be someone like Snape? Maybe then he'd be a chick magnet along with Sirius and James. But then again, that didn't matter anymore. He had Celina.
He stopped short, just before he entered the underground passageway.
Celina.
Suddenly, images flashed before his eyes. He saw Celina up against the wall, cowering in fear at the mere sight of him. He saw himself charging at her, but the black blur that was Sirius jumping in front of him. He saw her contort in pain at the scratching of his claws, heard her scream echoing in his head. He saw himself locking jaws with Sirius and out of the corner of his eye, saw James, the stag, pick her up and whisk her away, accompanied by a small rat that was Peter.
Celina.
He ran through the passage as fast as he could, not stopping once to take a breath. She could be dead, and it was all his fault. She couldn't die with the impression that he didn't love her. She couldn't die before he explained what had happened. She couldn't die at all. He needed her.
Once he heaved himself through the entrance to the passage, he remembered the Whomping Willow. Luckily, a stick had been propped up against the knot in the huge tree to stop it from attacking him. Sirius was waiting for him, a grim expression on his face.
"Where is she?" Remus asked. "What did I do?"
"You better come with me," Sirius said, grimacing.
Celina felt heavy, like one huge heap of lead. She tried to open her eyes, but her eyelids were glued shut. She tried to lift herself up, but her body was fastened to her bed. She heard voices and footsteps outside her mind.
"Hello, Madam Pomfrey. May I see her?" a male voice asked. She recognized the voice, but she was too tired to comprehend who it was.
"Yes. Just be careful with her," a woman responded. This woman must have been the Madam Pomfrey person the male had spoken of.
She heard a door closing and footsteps walking over to her. She also heard another pair of footsteps along with the first. There was a pause, in which nothing was said. But then the male asked, "Could I have a moment alone with her, please?"
Madam Pomfrey was silent for a moment, but then reluctantly said, "I suppose. But not too long, Mr. Lupin." There were more footsteps, this time walking away.
A heavy pressure was put on the bed as the male sat down. She now knew who this was – it was Remus. She unconsciously felt someone's hands on her face, gently stroking her skin. She liked that. It was soothing. The hands were removed from her face. She opened her eyes.
Remus was sitting at the foot of the bed, looking at his hands. He was turning them over and over. She heard him muttering, "I cannot believe I did this to her. I am a monster. How could I do something like this? I am a monster."
She smiled weakly and whispered, "You're not a monster."
His head snapped to her. A smile lit up on her face as he cried, "Oh, my God, Lina, you're alive!"
Remus reached forward and kissed her forehead softly. She liked that, too. She sat up. Her sheets fell of her chest, and she realized that the only thing covering her chest was a bandage. Remus was staring at her, his mouth dropped open. She hastily grabbed the sheets to cover herself. He frowned in disappointment.
"I hurt you badly, didn't I?" he asked.
"It looks deep, but it doesn't hurt that bad," she replied.
That was a complete lie. It burned like hell itself. In her brief moment of exposure, she noticed that the three scratches across her chest had left blood marks on the sheets and on the bandages. But she didn't want him to know that. She wanted to make him feel a little better.
He moved closer to her. She was gnawing at her lower lip. The lull in the conversation concerned her. She realized that he felt bad about what had happened. And honestly, she didn't remember every little detail of what had happened. She didn't want to bring it up and dampen his spirits, but that she wanted to know. She was sick of being clueless.
"What happened back there?" she asked, so suddenly it made him jump.
Remus sighed and looked at the stone floor. He quietly said, "Don't go telling people this, alright? If anyone asks, you were attacked by a hippogriff in the woods. That's what Sirius and James told the nurse. They said that you were out walking with them when it happened. James had been flying, and you guys were watching, an on the way back, a hippogriff came out of nowhere and scratched you. No offense to them, but I don't know how the faculty could believe that story . . . but anyways, you've got to stick to that, alright? No telling people you were attacked by a vicious monster who lives in a shack?"
Lina smiled and nodded. She had to admit, the prospect of being attacked by a hippogriff – a giant, half-horse, half-eagle monster – was kind of funny.
"Anyways, you know what I am now, don't you?" he asked. She nodded again. She didn't want to say it, for fear of the nurse hearing.
"What you have to understand, Leen, is that when I'm in my other form, I don't recognize normal people that I normally would know. I could kill my best friend if I wasn't careful. So when I saw you, to me, you were just like raw meat, waiting to be torn to bits," Remus explained.
"Well, why is it you went after me, but not after the stag or the dog, or even the rat? They were probably much easier targets," Lina queried.
"Because I recognized them. Every time I've changed, for two years now, they've come with me to keep me company. When I'm in my other form, I recognize them as friends and don't attack them. But anything or anyone else is fair game. I almost even attacked Dumbledore once, but he got out before I got the chance to lunge at him. I couldn't look him in the eye for weeks."
Lina shuddered at the thought of Remus attacking her father. It was a horrible idea. But he couldn't know that Dumbledore was her father.
In that moment, she felt a pang of guilt. Her secret was nothing compared to Remus'. She was only an elf – not dangerous at all. And so what if her father was the Headmaster? Remus had trusted her enough to tell her his deepest, darkest secret, something he would not tell anyone under pain of death unless he trusted them as much as he did her. As for her secret, she didn't know how far she would go to defend it, but not that far – after all, she wasn't dangerous at all. Shouldn't she be able to tell him something like this, when he had put so much trust in her?
She opened her mouth and closed it again repeatedly. She tried to say something, to tell him what she had kept from most of the world for so long. But even as she tried to speak, no sounds came from her mouth.
"Is something wrong?" Remus asked. "You look like you lost your voice or something."
She finally found her voice. Unfortunately, all that came out was, "I'm fine."
He smiled and leaned forward, planting a searing kiss on her lips. She loved him so much – and she knew it was the same both ways. But if she loved him so much, how come she couldn't say what she wanted to say? How come she couldn't just come out with it?
Maybe that was how it was with him. He did not want to tell her, so instead, he showed her. Only problem was that it didn't work the way he had expected, and she ended up hurt badly. She knew nothing like that would happen if she spilled the beans. Then how come she didn't just pull back her hair and show him her ear? Maybe he would love it, and tell her that pointy ears are sexy. Maybe he would be too shocked to say anything, but then regain his voice and tell her he didn't mind. Maybe nothing would happen, and it would have no affect on him whatsoever. Still, she couldn't do it.
"Do you understand why I attacked you? Do you get that it wasn't me who attacked you, it was a monster? Do you understand why I'm afraid of the topic in Defense Against the Dark Arts? Do you recognize why I'm afraid of myself?" he asked. She saw a pleading in his eyes. This was painful for him. She knew it. She also knew that he thought he was a horrible person and should be thrown into prison for what he'd done. She knew he'd rather die than do it again. And she knew that she had to do something to change that.
"No one should be afraid of who they really are," she said simply, with a hint of a smile.
He smiled back and hugged her close. She melted into his embrace. She knew that even though he was a wolf, he was not a monster. He could change. He would change.
"I've got to go now," he said somberly. "Madam Pomfrey will probably flip if she sees me hugging you, or even touching you at all, considering what you're wearing . . ."
She forgot about the fact that she was topless. She grabbed for the sheets again. Remus laughed.
"It's alright, I don't mind. I hope you feel better, and I'll be back to visit you. I promise."
He kissed her on the cheek and turned to leave. She laid her head back on to the pillow. She was just about to nod off again when she heard him call for her.
"Lina?" he said.
"Yes?"
He shrugged, frowning. "I really am sorry."
Her heart went out to him. She felt so horrible for him at that moment. But despite her dire feelings, she smiled and replied, "It's alright, I promise."
He returned the grin and walked out of the Hospital Wing, shutting the door behind him.
Lina let herself sink into the pillow. It was so comfortable. She wanted to let all of her troubles leave her and just rest peacefully – no dreams of being chased by wolves, no dreams of Remus attacking her, no more nightmares.
Just before she closed her eyes, she remembered what she had said to him.
"No one should be afraid of who they really are."
Yeah. No one should be afraid, including her. She was just having trouble grasping that concept.
She couldn't take it anymore. Her eyelids were too heavy. She closed her eyes and surrendered to the darkness, drifting off into dreamland.
