AN: I usually don't like putting AN's at the beginning of the story, but I made a huge mistake last chapter- I can't believe I mixed up the colors of the vial tops! Stupid, stupid, stupid me. However, cookies and kudos to Kittenchatter, who caught my mistake- and extra love also because she believed in me so much that she thought it was intentional. Sorry, folks, just a totally dumb mistake on my part. Anyway, here's the last chapter of Redemption. There's an epilogue to come!
The kiss started feather light, his lips on mine, hesitant, soft, yet I already felt as if my whole body were on fire. How long had I waited for this? It took all my self control not to pull him closer and kiss him harder, as I didn't want to do anything that could scare him, so I settled for matching each move he made.
When we finally pulled apart, I felt like the entire world was spinning. Was this really happening?
What he said next was even more surprising. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't –"
I shook my head, placing my finger on his lips. "You should only apologize for stopping."
Holmes raised an eyebrow.
I flushed an even deeper shade of red, withdrawing my hand. "Sorry."
"We should head back," Holmes said, his voice husky. The restaurant was clearing out around us, and even the band was packing up.
I could only nod, as Holmes took my hand and led me out.
I awoke the next morning to find Holmes sitting in the reclining chair next to the bed facing me on the phone. "So my ticket will be ready at the counter so I can check in again?"
His eyes were closed, but his posture was erect; he was alert and awake, as he wrapped up his conversation. "All right. Thank you." He placed the phone back in its cradle.
"Good morning," I greeted him with a half yawn as I sat up in bed.
"Good morning." His voice was soft, melodic. I smiled to myself, realizing that I wouldn't mind waking up to this every morning.
"Sleep well?" I ventured.
He nodded. "Better than I ever have. Get packed. Our flight's in three hours."
"We're going back to LA already?" I asked, surprised at the suddenness.
"Yes."
I probed a bit more. "And Brian?"
"I talked to him this morning. He'll be back in Los Angeles in a few days. Doctors told him to wait so the wound could heal better."
I nodded my understanding. "Ok."
A quick shower and a bit of frenzied packing later, I realized the week's worth of events was starting to catch up to me. I was exhausted. Holmes, who had apparently been awake for ages, had already packed and was ready to go, even before I woke up. He was currently killing time outside on the balcony, observing the street below.
I stepped out on the balcony to join him, not bothering to close the sliding door behind me. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" I ventured.
He didn't reply, but continued watching the street below us, as he leaned into the French trellis railing.
"Something on your mind?" I asked lightly. His brow was furrowed, as if he were in deep thought about something.
He turned around to face me. "Why?"
"Why what?"
He interrupted, "Why do you like me?"
"What kind of question is that?" I protested, trying to stall for time, trying to search his eyes for any clue. What was going on?
"Just answer me." His voice became curt, as if he were the interrogator and I the suspect. "What is it that you like about me?"
I took a deep breath. "You do what's right. You're extremely intelligent." I paused for a moment, trying to lighten up the mood. "And you're an asshole."
"You like that?" He asked, incredulous.
I giggled unintentionally. "Because I know that in the end, you mean well."
"But that is what doesn't make sense to me. How do you know I mean well?"
"Because I have faith in you."
He seemed slightly placated. "Based on your past experiences with me."
I shook my head slightly. "I suppose. But it's more than that. If I were to base everything on my past experiences with you, I probably wouldn't have come out to New Orleans and do all these crazy things for you."
"Then why are you here?" his voice was barely above a whisper.
"Because I love you," I stated simply, surprising even myself. Great, you kissed him for the first time last night and now you're proclaiming your love? Talk about scaring a guy off. But it was already out there, and I couldn't take it back, even if I wanted to.
Holmes froze upon hearing my admission, his face clouding over with an unreadable expression.
As the silence continued, I felt more and more awkward, and was inwardly debating about whether or not to deflect to a different topic, to press Holmes on this topic, or to just bury my head back under the covers and hope that it was just all a bad dream. But the silence dragged on, and I realized that this was probably one of the biggest mistakes in my life, as I'd probably lose him as a friend as well. Stupid, stupid me.
I bit down hard on my lip, trying to figure out what to do to diffuse this extremely uncomfortable moment. "Listen, I-"
He finally returned my gaze. "You shouldn't."
"Shouldn't what?"
"You shouldn't feel that way." His voice was hollow, devoid of any emotion.
I raised my eyebrows. "And why is that?"
I could feel his piercing eyes on me and the coldness in his voice. "Because I can't love you back."
I swallowed hard, reaching out with my arm to grab the railing for support, as I felt the ground give way from under me. "You can't love me back," I echoed.
He must have sensed my discomfort, as he took a few steps toward me, closing the distance between us. "Laura, listen, just let me explain."
I shook my head, not trusting my voice.
"Look at me, please." He gently caressed my right cheek with his long tapered fingers before lifting my chin up so I faced him. His brow was furrowed, and I detected a tinge of regret in his voice.
"Laura, it's not that I don't want to love you. But I can't. I'm not…" he grasped for the words. "I'm just not built that way."
He rambled on. "My brain has always governed my heart, Laura. You know that I've always placed reason above emotions. If I ever fall in love, I'd lose it all, and I can't let that happen. I would be losing my entire identity. I would cease to be Jake Holmes."
And that would be a bad thing? I bit my lip, finally understanding that which really fueled Holmes' drive; this pursuit of reason was what made him get up every morning. It wasn't about avenging his brother, it wasn't about any suppressed emotions or a bad childhood. It was about finding his version of the truth and casing it in principles of cold, unemotional, intellectual analysis. But what really hurt wasn't that he couldn't love me, but rather, it was that he wouldn't love me.
He continued on, smiling ruefully at me. "Besides, I think a certain FBI agent would have been very disappointed otherwise."
I felt my cheeks growing hot in spite of myself. "I don't feel the same way towards Brian."
Holmes took my hands in his. "He's a good guy though, Laura. You should still go to dinner."
"I'm not going to renege on my promise to Brian, Jake. I just-." I was unwilling to acknowledge the point, even though in my head I knew what Holmes was saying was true. Don't you get it? He's just not you, I wanted to scream. But it would have been futile. Holmes didn't even want to try.
Holmes closed his eyes, as if it pained him to say his next sentence. "I can't give you what you want Laura. He can."
Maybe it was how he said it, but I knew then that Holmes wouldn't change his mind. Last night was but an anomaly, a mistake, an accident. Holmes was set in his ways, and nothing I said or did could ever change it.
And I had to stop trying, before I ruined everything between us. But knowing that, I still couldn't stop my lower lip from quivering, nor could I stop the tears that were pooling in my eyes, threatening to fall at any moment.
"I'm sorry." Holmes leaned in, kissing the top of my forehead, before turning away and walking back into the room.
"Me too," I whispered to myself.
Holmes and I were like strangers on the way back to Los Angeles, not speaking to each other for the way to the New Orleans airport and the entire plane ride back to Los Angeles. Holmes seemed lost in his own little world the entire way, ignoring any looks I threw his way.
"Did you want to share a cab?" I asked uncomfortably as we picked up our suitcases from the baggage carousel and headed outside towards the taxi stop, stopping in front of the first cab.
Holmes paused as he watched the driver load my suitcase into the trunk. The driver reached for Holmes' suitcase, but Holmes shook his head and held onto his luggage. "I've got another flight to catch."
So that was what he was talking on the phone about this morning. "Where to?" I tried to sound nonchalant, not wanting to betray any hint of emotion. Inside, however, I was completely torn. Was he running away? He obviously had been planning this since morning.
"Napa Valley. I'm looking into buying a vineyard there."
I nodded slowly. "Ok then."
Holmes reached over to open the taxi door, his face softening for a brief moment. "Is there anything you-?" his voice trailed off.
I stopped, realizing that this was the end of the road, that I had to give it one last shot. "Just a minute of your time before you go."
His brow furrowed. "Why a minute?"
"Grant me this wish, will you?" I whispered, not waiting for an answer before I placed my hands on the back of his neck, stood on my tippy-toes, and pulled his head down towards mine and kissed him.
Later, I realized that I had put everything I had, every feeling for him, every last remnant of passion and every shred of frustrated love into that kiss. I was trying to burn everything I felt for this man out of me, exorcising it and tossing it into the depths of purgatory. At that time however, I was only aware that my knees were buckling and that the busy humdrum of the airport around us had stopped but for a moment. I closed my eyes, allowing myself this one mere moment in which I could lose myself and forget that there was a tomorrow.
I forced myself to let go as I felt him kiss me back, and suddenly I was thrust back into the busy airport. "It's been a minute," I dropped my arms and stepped back, still reeling. I knew that I had shown him how I really felt; it was my last ditch effort, on some level. But I knew it was also something that I'd never again experience in my life.
He was looking at me with that funny smile on his face again, the one I couldn't decipher. Was it amusement? Was it regret? God forbid that it was pity.
"Good bye, Holmes."
He nodded.
I turned and got into the cab, leaving my broken heart there on the curb, with a man who couldn't ever love me back.
AN: Oy, I'm horrible, I know. But honestly, I think this is much truer to the character of Jake than anything else (yes, I know poor old Watson's been through so much that she doesn't need to suffer anymore). But don't worry, I have an epilogue and another story (I haven't decided if it's entirely going to be in Holmes' POV, but I also don't like switching a lot between POVs) coming up that might answer some of those questions of "WHY!". Thanks again for all your support!
Kittenchatter: I'm SOOO sorry- I had switched the colors of the tops between drafts and didn't catch it all when I should have! Thank you so much for pointing it out, and I'm so sorry about causing any undue puzzlement, etc. And yes, I've been waiting ages to use that line of "No shit, Sherlock." Ages. Anyway, I hope you don't hate me too much for this chapter- I just always felt that this was where this story was to end.
T- Thanks! I'll definitely try my best!
Hermione Holmes: Thanks again for your thoughtful review, and I apologize for the cliffhanger of it all. I was tempted to put this chapter together with the last, but I think you all would have felt gypped with the romantic scene in the middle only to lead to this scene. You called it this time- Holmes does claims mistake, and I avoided having to bring in Brian awkwardness (although, that's a preview to epilogue, and next story, the whole Brian thing).
QueenofSpain: That's true, huh? I never thought about the theatrics of it all. I'm glad you like it. I think I do have to let them go at the 4th story, because I don't know how long I can continue writing this tension thing without some sort of finality/change to the relationship, although, I must say, it'll be difficult from Holmes' POV. We'll see
Daze-dly: Hello! I'm so glad you enjoy this story. Thank you so much for the compliments, I appreciate it! It's ok that you started here at this story, as I don't feel the first two are nearly as elaborate/detailed as this one, so don't expect too much if you ever go back to read them!
With regards to the fluff, yeah, I totally agree- didn't think my fluff writing was much to be proud of, but perhaps it represents the kind of awkwardness of it all? This- Watson/Holmes definitely isn't a smooth relationship, but I think some of it comes from Holmes just being insensitive and Watson being overtly emotionally dependent. More to come, I suppose, particularly with the first chapter of story #4.
L'Wren: Thanks!
Horsefeathers103: It'll definitely be interesting trying to write from his perspective because the Canon stories from Holmes first person are not particularly the interesting ones that show his more humane side? (At least, that's what I always felt, as I've always been grateful for the more emotional/human Watson filter through which the stories are told).
Anozira: "Lady in Red" is one of my favorites too! Thanks for the support with the romantic bit. What's interesting is that I find modern stories much easier to write than Victorian era ones; I'm not comfortable writing Victorian speech and so anyone who writes Holmes back in the day has MAJOR brownie points in my book. And yes, more to come, with story 4 that'll definitely give a bit more insight as to Holmes' thought process.
Estriel: You know, I was thinking about that too- as I love writing frazzled Laura. She's such an emotional wreck, it's rather therapeutic to write her. Maybe I'll switch off. Thanks for your support!
Kenta Divina: I'll let Brian know you're available, although, you might have to wait a bit (at least until after epilogue). Glad to know I relieved some exam stress. Hope you enjoy this chapter too, even though it's not nearly as fun as the one before it.
