SELFISH

Chapt. 4

I think that in some dark trench that has been left in my mind, I knew that Harry liked me. Maybe if I were the type of person who didn't feel as though the world is falling apart on me, I might have known earlier. I might've guessed about it during the Triwizard Tournament. But I didn't. I thought that Harry was trying to get over Cho.

I thought I was still the sidekick and that Harry just needed to keep that sidekick.

It makes me think of how selfish I've been.

I try to hold on to dreams. The same way that I depend on the past for all the answers that the present doesn't provide. I remember in my Third Year, when I did my Divination exam that Trelawney told me that I must let give to life in order to receive it. However she ruined that sage advice by proclaiming that only in death may all the past wrongs leave me. So I completely ignored her advice.

I remember in Fourth Year the way that jealousy claimed my soul. The way that Harry Potter became everyone's special pet again. Hermione found someone that could love her honestly. I remember all the angry feeling that I felt in that year.

I remember Fifth Year. The world seemed so distant and I was an actor in it. Playing the friend that cared more than he was supposed to. I remember the way that I quietly angst about my opening to consciousness. The feelings I had about Hermione coming out in full. That blokes were more apparent for my fantasies than girls.

But most of all I remember the mixed feelings I felt towards Harry after Sirius died. The feelings of hate and impatience. I wanted to shake him out of it. I wanted to tell him, no scream at him that he wasn't the only one to lose someone. I liked Sirius.

I am thinking of all these thoughts and reasonable hints in momentary words. If I could speak of them aloud I would.

But the touch of those soft chapped lips are on mine. The inexperienced way that they press on mine. Soft as though if they pressed any harder it would break this fragile dream we are dwelling in.

My eyes are closed. I don't want to see this.

I don't want to see the black hair wind swept all over the place. I don't want to see the pale skin stretched over the thin muscle toned body.

If I could I would break this kiss. I would run far away. Far away from Malfoy and Harry. I would run if I could, into the arms of the awaiting Hermione. Or perhaps at this point in my teenage life into the ever- so patience embrace of Death.

If I could I would turn back Time and replay my life all over and pin- point the exact time that my life went so horribly wrong.

"Ron… I …I'm sorry." The hurt in the voice is overwhelming.

Opening my blue eyes to his green, I look into them. I notice the black outlining his irises, I notice there is a bit of yellow and blue that comes out.

"No Harry. Don't." I realize that we're suppose to be having a shower and going into the Common Room to boast to everyone that we're going to win the Cup this year.

Placing my hand on his shoulder I allow it to travel down and trace the Gryffindor crest on his Quidditch robes. The red and yellow clashing as horribly, as my favourite colour orange clashes on me.

I trace it feeling the embroidery on the tips of my fingers.

"Ron."

"Harry, don't. It isn't the way things go." I have to force it out.

I wish that he could see into my mind. The reasons that I can't give him my heart to break as Malfoy breaks it. The reasons I can't allow him to love me beyond the friendship we share.

Selfish.

"So you choose that… thing?" I'm surprised at the calm tone his voice has taken.

I nod.

The way that my hand is touching thin air, I feel my soul cry out that I am but an idiot in this fair play of life.

Selfish.

"Come on, who are you two bringing to the Dance?" The question is innocent enough. Though I can fairly say that the way that Harry stiffens that he's still upset with me over last week.

"Well, Luna asked me so we're going." I say it rather pleasantly. After all like Harry said it was pretty obvious last year that Luna had a small thing for me.

"What about you Harry?" He shoots me an evil look. As if I just betrayed him.

"Well I don't think I'll be taking anyone." I told him to ask Susan Bones but he ignored me the way that he's been doing for the past week.

Dean nods as though he understood. Probably thinking that being the most sought out guy in the school Harry doesn't want to make anyone fight over him.

If only he knew.

The Dance is only a few days away. Luna has become a dear friend of mine during that short time. She told me that she realized that she was going to just stay a friend; after all she planned to travel the world and didn't have time for any such romance. I smiled and laughed, thinking that if I couldn't share my secrets with my two best friends anymore I could share it with Luna.

Harry has been going more and more crazed. Forcing one of the new Chasers to an early break down. Laughing Ginny and I told Harry that people aren't supposed to go trauma until their first O.W.L.

Needless to say he didn't find that very entertaining.

Today everyone is going to Hogsmeade. The girls are giggly, every single one of them but Luna. Maybe that's one of the reasons I enjoy being around her. It's like being around both Harry and Hermione back in First Year before the hormones kicked in. A slightly deranged First Year, but never the less one that was missed.

I don't have to hold her hand. I don't have to get her to giggle. I don't have to buy her things that I can't afford.

I don't really have to do anything but laugh at the freaky things she utters.

I like it this way. The feeling of contentment.

Harry is on the other side of the courtyard laughing with all of our friends. Luna is telling me something about KinKipon's.

"… of course you'll only find them in South Africa, but they're dangerous. Only breed every couple of decades. The horns are full of powder puss…"

"Power puss?"

"A toxide they use in 'Witch No Pimples'."

"Ahh… I see."

I'm drinking a butterbeer. Leaning back as Luna reads me some articles out of the Quibbler. The articles are ridiculous but I find that my more humorous side find them entertaining.

Malfoy is in the pub as well. Talking with some Slytherin's that I don't know by name. With Pansy Parkinson draping herself on his arm and looking smug.

I know someone's watching me watch Malfoy. Turning slightly I see Harry glaring at me. The hate and spite in his gaze startles me for a moment. Though I see his contort into something worse as he looks at Malfoy.

"Ron? Is there something you should tell me?" The way she speaks in my ear sends down unpleasant shivers on my spine.

Looking at her, her blond hair scraggly and giving her a definite nutso persona. Her blue eyes paler than mine are. The way that she seems to have lost that dreamy, surprised look and replaced it with a concerned face.

"Luna… I'm not… interested in you." I can't believe how hard it is to say one word.

Well OK its two words.

"I know." She says it without even blinking. Something that's always unnerved me.

"Well, I … uh…"

"Do you like boys?"

I'm shocked.

She smiles and hugs me.

We don't speak another word about it for the rest of the day.

Walking from the carriages to the castle I know that Malfoy and his gang of idiots are behind Luna and by the screech that Parkinson gives.

"OHHH… Look it's the years crazy couple together!" I don't even bother turning around. Let them say what they will.

I haven't been to see Malfoy since that night in the rain.

Yet, just to piss him off even more.

Taking Luna's hand in mine and pulling her close so that I can place an arm around her waist. I can taste the venom in his mouth.

Luna's chuckling softly; she probably has it already figured out.

I ignore the passing remarks of Parkinson's knowing that world looks better when vindictiveness comes into play.

Gryffindor's first Quidditch match is the day after the Dance.

Harry's going insane. I swear his heart's about to stop.

Everyone's telling me to calm him down.

But I think I'll make it worse.

"Harry? Uh… are you going to come to dinner?" I think it's a reasonable question.

Silence.

"Um… well I'm sure we'll beat Hufflepuff." I'm trying to remind him that Hufflepuff has the world's worst Seeker.

Silence.

I walk over to where he stands looking at the black board where he has put all the plans.

"You still suck at being a Keeper." Well, Fuck you too.

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!" I can't help it. I'm sick of the treatment.

Turning around so that our bodies are only inches apart.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? AS IF YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW!" I am not prepared for his anger in return. He continues as if his life depended on saying it.

"SIRIUS DIES AND MY BEST FRIEND IS FUCKING MALFOY…"

"WHY DO YOU CARE? WHY DO YOU PRETEND THAT YOU CARE, YOU'RE HARRY POTTER THE BOY WHO LIVED, YOU CAN HAVE ANYONE. DO YOU THINK THAT I CAN? I'M SICK OF BEING THE FUCKIN' SIDEKICK—"

The tears coming out of his eyes stop me. I have only ever seen him cry once. After the Triwizard Tournament. I have only ever seen him so sad when both Cedric and Sirius died.

I lean over to wipe the tears away.

His voice comes out in choking gasps.

"Why Malfoy… why not me?" It's absolutely painful to see him this sad.

My hand is wet from his tears. His emerald green eyes make me want to die.

"I don't know…" I don't want to tell him that the pain and angst that Malfoy puts me through makes me alive.

He steps closer to me. The body giving off heat.

He tiptoes to kiss me.

I put my fingers on his lips.

"No. I Love you too much." My own tears fill my eyes and slowly I feel myself crumble away in my chest.

Please review... I feel a little unwanted. (If I could cry right now I would. Too much coffee, can't cry)