HABIT, n. A shackle for the free.
- The Devils Dictionary
I've awaken to the sound of birds. I hate waking up to that. It irritates me as most things do. Which I find funny considering what my family is like. The fact that I have such small irritations has been my downfall with my twin brothers.
I remember what happened if not the events afterwards. I remember the blackness that came as a relief to the pain that I felt on my side.
Nothing else.
Not that it matters.
-
Madame Pomphrey is driving me insane with her insistent checks to see if everything is alright. I want to scream in her face that everything is just fine. So peachy fine, that I think I'm about to barf….
However she is the one who determines whether or not I am able to leave this facility so I won't.
I can't seem to help myself but to think that he will come to see me. I keep hoping that he will. I would like to think that I was more than just what he said I was. I know that it is nothing but a dream that I am nothing but a fool for wanting something as un-Malfoy such as that.
But then maybe, I am a bigger fool to expect that Harry would be up here. To be visiting me and seeing if I was going to be OK… it's a given that I will be fine.
But still…
-
Hermione had managed to put some sense into that infuriating woman. How?
Hell, who cares?
I went to the Common Room, hoping for some odd reason to find Harry. Yet between the slaps on the back and the general cat- calls of Seamus "Man, that was Awesome!" I didn't find him.
I honestly don't know where to look. The Dorm is deserted and I'm standing in the Quidditch Locker. Yet strangely for once he seems to not be here.
I have the strange thought that he could perhaps be in the Library catching up on work, with Hermione.
So that is where I'm heading. Walking on the grass. Noticing that the world from this view seems as though nothing horrible could ever happen to it.
That this school seems like a child's dream. The castle with its many stories… the lake that looks over everything. Even in the dead of winter it seems to have a cold beauty to it.
It reminds you of him doesn't it?
Its times like these that I believe that I am going insane.
But that's not what matters here. The world is safe. The world is fragile and in its frailty it has become conceited.
The steps that lead to the front doors of this imposing castle are rather strange. As though it was like that Muggle Cinderella story, where you walk up those steps to see what fortune has in store for you behind those doors.
I don't really know the full story. But I remember it had a happy ending. The Faerie God- Mother seemed ridiculous to me. The parts with the magic in them where so real, so based on what could, what did go on in my life I laughed. The people turning into mice. The pumpkin becoming a chariot.
It was the fact that Muggles thought that as magic, their concepts of it were so funny to me as a child.
But its times like these that I start thinking that maybe Muggles had a better view of the world. That maybe it would be better if I knew nothing of magic at all. That pulling rabbit out of a hat would be better that being able to say "Wingardium Leviosa".
To be so simple. Yet so complicated in the matters of science and their technology, it would be better than to live in this world.
The one that never changes and thus gaining nothing.
Passing the portraits I hear some of the whispered conversations.
"Did you hear about Minerva's opinion on Interhouse Relations?"
"Oh, Flavius only about the third of the school happened to hear her and young Mr.Snape yelling at Albus…"
"True. But did you have to admit that some of the students have taken it all…."
"Rather disgustingly." Replies an old lady who looks as if she had been the 'Wicked Old Witch'.
"In my day those things would've never been thought of." The first speaker replies, initiating a long debate on school morals these days.
I smile. I like listening to the drabble of the portraits. It can become rather entertaining.
I've arrived at the library. And neither Hermione nor Harry are in there. Feeling rather down I turn to leave. The thought of the 'Room of Requirement' enters my mind.
I should think this over… if Hermione or Harry are in there then maybe they want to test out Harry's powers again.
I would most likely disturb him.
But I want to see him. Just to see if he cares anymore.
So that is where my legs lead me. Up the stairs and through the hidden passages until I make it to the floor that the 'Room of Requirement' walking around a few times to allow me to see the door.
Grasping the door handle, not listening to any of my instincts.
And all I can do is stand there. Breathing is so far from my mind.
But the tears come first.
-
It's been a week and I still see the images. I still see the one thing that makes my heart stretch in two and the pain that destroys my soul.
Worse than my thoughts of Doom. Worse than my world of Darkness.
Their limbs tangled together. Their faces in ecstasy of the other's body. The barely movable mouths. One on their hands and knees. The other behind thrusting in. When the black hair body turns to see me, the pink mouth forming the word 'Ron'.
I want to scream. The blonde haired ferret in submission of the black hair. I stumbled from the room. No longer wanting to see the tanned naked body over the nude pure white skin. I no longer wanted to see it.
Betrayal.
-
It's been a week and I show my emotions to no one. I spend no more than a quarter's second in the same room as HIM. Forever referring to him in my mind as the Judas of my heart.
The black haired freak, who stole my heart only to tear it three times.
The moment he kissed me. Breaking the ties of brother ship
The shower in which he tore my heart.
The Room that he stole the kiss from his enemy, excepting the price that means my own self-righteous suicide.
Hermione doesn't suspect a thing. Not that I think she would. I spend no time in the Dorms.
If we have a Quidditch Practice I leave as soon as it's over. Not wanting to be in the same room as my… Judas.
The other one. The other betrayer of my soul remains forever out of my mind. The moment I can sense him come into a room I close up. My mind has been violated. I will not allow such a violation to continue.
I can imagine what weakness drives me to think of myself as pitiful. I know I am. I have been for awhile.
I can no longer find it within me to smile. No longer can I find it within me to do anything but hide.
And it has become a habit to fall into despair. The feeling of worthlessness becomes overwhelming.
I know that my Judas wants to talk to me.
Yet every time I look into his face I see the face of someone who will only hurt me.
I know that the other one stares at me as we walk past each other to lessons. That it is all the hate I allow to slide off of me, to slip onto him and his minion that keep them away from me. I know that they haven't seen each other since. But for whatever reason I cease to care.
I will be going home soon.
But my Judas will not share my room. I will not allow it. And in a quiet reserve he knows it.
I will spend my time with Percy. I will not allow another betrayal to happen.
Because the story that goes with the last betrayal has yet to happen.
The last kiss and I am spent.
So as I sit in this Transfiguration Class, I curl up to inside myself. Feeding my Despair with the visionary images of tangled limbs and lust that knows no boundaries.
I do so, knowing that this unhappiness will become
Habit.
REVIEW! I know that this chapter was a bit distorted.
But I refuse to write more unless I get more reviews… snicker I know bitchy huh?
