(Disclaimer – I don't own Final Fantasy or its characters. So go and eat a strawberry and sing One-Winged Angel, okay? Thanks, a lot.)

A young man walks into the scene. He is wearing a purple outfit, complete with black belt, and his hair looks exactly like the ass of a chocobo. Pointy and yellow, that is. Showing off his ridiculously long sword by rapidly spinning it with his left hand, and, walking in Hojo's lab, he trips. And falls on his face, and consequently his dignity.

Enter Cloud Strife, the Group Meatshield!

"Ow!" Cloud gets up from the ground, rubbing his nose where it hurts.

"Ah, yes. This is our fellow companion, Cloud Strife." Red XIII introduces.

"AND NOW WE'S GONNA KICK SUM CHEMYCAL ASS!" Barret takes a step forward, and blindly shoots at Hojo. All of a sudden, a golden barrier pops up between Barret and Hojo, and it absorbs the bullets.

"WHO DUN' THAT?!" Barret yells, confused.

"It was obviously Aeris trying to protect Hojo. She has been informed to label him ''Father'' even though they have no blood correlation." Red XIII sits down on his haunches.

"YOU SED WHAT?!" Barret tries to compress his anger, but with his arms violently twitching, he only succeeds in looking retarded.

"I overheard part of Hojo and Aeris' conversation before we entered, if you must know. You do realize that my sense of hearing is far better than yours." Red XIII calmly responds.

"YOU DID?! WELL, WE'S GONNA KICK HOJO'S ASS FER EXISTIN', LYING TA AERIS, ACTIN' SMART, EXISTING... AND... UH... EXPERIMUNTASHION! SAY GOO'BYE, YO!" Barret tries futilely shooting at Hojo once more, but you know that it's not working at all.

"Goodbye? Yes. Goodbye, for I AM HEAD SCIENTIST HOJO! You cannot kill me!" Hojo takes Aeris and drags her from the middle to the room and places her against the wall. Aeris, of course, gives no resistance.

All of a sudden, a loud screech noise is heard, the kind you get when a helicopter smashes into a roof. Which happens, in this case.

"You fool! It was supposed to be the WINDOW! Oh well... come, uh... MAKO EXPERIMENT 142!" Hojo scrambles into the helicopter, as one can only scramble in it right now, and Aeris follows suit. With a loud whirring sound, the helicopter lifts off.

"GIT BACK HE'AH, FOO'! COWARDS! LILY-LIZARDS! SCARDY CATS! CHEECKEN! BAWK BAAWK BAAAWK! ...FOO!" Barret gestures madly.

"I do believe they have departed." Red XIII gets up on his four paws. "Shall we attempt to free any of Hojo's experiments before chasing after Hojo and Aeris?"

"NO! W'GOTTA GO AFTAH HOBO –HEHEHE... HOJO! W'GOTTA GO AFTAH HIM AN' AERIS!" Barret swipes his arms around like weapons, and one arm smacks Cloud in the face.

"OWWWWW!" Cloud takes his nail bat and, using it like a mace, swings it low, contacting Barret's shin.

"OWWWWWHOWWWHOWWWWWW! MAMMY! MAMMY! I WANT MAH MAMMY! OWWWWWW!" Barret, clutching his leg and therefore hoping on the other, bounds across the room hap hazardously, and consequently steps on Red XIII's tail.

"Rraow!" Red XIII withdraws his tail and glares icily at Barret. "Please control yourself! My tail has very sensitive nerve endings!" Then he gets up on all fours and walks to the doorway. Looking behind him, Red XIII speaks in a calmer and more controlled voice than before. "I suggest you aid me in freeing Hojo's experimentations." Then he departs.

Tifa, far away from the now-recovering Barret, speaks up. "I vote for Red XIII! Let's go help him out!"

"WE'RE VOTIN'!? WELL, THEN TIFA DON'T GIT T'VOTE! CUZ SHE'S A GIRL, AND GIRL'S DON'T GET NO RIGHTS!" Barret gestures wildly, as always.

"Just because I'm a GIRL doesn't mean anything, Barret!! Euh! And, so you KNOW, girls HAVE rights now-a-days! Hmph!" With that, Tifa storms out of the room to join Red XIII.

"WHA'D I DO NAOW!?" Barret stomps on the floor.

"Sheesh. Barret, sometimes I think I'm smarter than you." Cloud stands up and randomly shows off his victory dance, a nail from his bat digging itself deep into his shoulder. "Ah! ...stupid bat..."

As Cloud and Barret walk out of Hojo's now ruined lab, Tifa's voice shreds the eerie silence."Guys! Come here, quick!" While they race towards the scene, Red XIII can be heard saying, "Quick – find some food for it!"

"WHIT JUST HAPPENED NAOW, YO?! WHY'D TIFA SCREAM LIKE A LI'IL GIRL! WUZ IT A BIG, HAIRY OL' SPYDER?!" Barret says, running smack into Tifa.

"No, Barret! Erg! You can be SO mean to me sometimes!" Tifa angrily stomps away from Barret, tears forming in her eyes.

"WHA'D I DO NAOW?! HUH?!" Barret shouts to Tifa.

Red XIII brings attention to an unconscious figure on the ground. "One of Hojo's experiments... it looks malnourished. Cloud, can you hand me the bag of chocolate chips over there?" Cloud follows Red XIII's bidding, and brings the bags, conveniently placed on a near by cabinet, over. Red XIII sniffs the opened bag. "Can you give it a few pieces, please? I'm afraid my paws can't easily grasp those chocolate chips..."

The experiment, after being gently feed a piece of chocolate, wakes up slowly.

"WUZZAT? IS IT A MINI-DAWG? OH! AH KNOW! WE CIN 'AVE HOTDAWGS FER DINNER! HMMHMM! YUM!"

The experiment sits upright and blinks at Red XIII. "Good, it is alive. Experiment...-"Red XIII looks at some notes on the cage from which the experiment came out of "-M05X, it is. Hojo was developing a new breed of squirrels, it seems, for he has named this individual a Malabar squirrel. Indeed it does look different from other squirrels..."

Cloud cocks his head sideways. "How does it look different?"

"Don't you see?" Red XIII shakes his head. "Well, most obviously, squirrels do not have black fur with an orange streak from their head to tail-tip. They also do not have white-dipped paws. And, less noticeable is the tail size, which is one and a half times the size of experiment M05X, while normal squirrel tails are much smaller. And, the most subtle things, most squirrels will get food-poisoning from eating chocolate, as well cats and dogs. This squirrel shows no signs of food-poisoning, which is usually evident immediately."

"Whoa... you said a lot..." Cloud blinks, his brain trying to register the mouth-full that Red XIII said.

"Mm. Well, it seems that MO5X is doing well. I wish I knew what his name was, though..."

Barret had been sitting all the while, stumped. "WAIT! THAT THING'S A SKWIRL? YOU IS A LYING' FOO! THEH'S NO SUCH THING AS A SKWIRL!" Barret jumps up, triumphantly. "AND WHY WULD YOU WANNA KNO TH'NAME OF A HOTDAWG?! HUH?!"

Red XIII sighs, and shakes his head. "No, Barret. There are such things as a squirrel. In our first adventure, we encountered 31 or 33 of them, to be exact. And... I would like to know the squirrel's name, because... well, you have a name, right?"

"DUH I GOTTA NAME!" Barret tried to sing that line, being out of gestures, but a window cracks, and Cloud's ears start to bleed. "M'NAME'S BARRET! DUH!"

"I assume you would wish that people refer to you as Barret, and not BQ29, correct?"

"WEILL, DUH! MAH NAME'S BARRET, NOT EKSPIRAHMEINT K-4-M-4-1!"

"So you realize as to why I would want to know the name of Experiment M05X, correct?"

"O CORPSE NOT! HEHEHE... AH MEAN, O'COURSE NOT! WHOCARES 'BOUT SUM ABT29 EKSPIRAHMEINT!"

Red XIII gets up on his paws, and shakes his head. "Never mind.... Where would Cloud and Tifa be? Do you have a clue?"

"OH! OH! AH KNO! CLOUD, HE BE DRINKIN' SUM KE..MAH...KILLS! YEAH! DRINKIN' SUM FUNNY COLAHRED KEMAHKILLS! HEHEHE... KEMAHKILLS BE SO FUNNY!"

"And... concerning Tifa?" Red XIII cocks his head to the side.

"OH-HO! SHE BE CRYING IN TH'CORNAH 'BOUT SUMMAT! SHE... SHE'S A CRY BABY! HEHEHEEE!"

"No I am NOT, Barret!" Tifa walks up to him, furious, and smacks him in the face. "Stop harASSING me, ALRIGHT?!" Then, she turns to Red XIII, and inhales deeply. "Cloud and I freed the rest of the experiments... they are all going to be alright. I think we should go and search for Hojo and Aeris now."

"Hm... that sounds like a good proposal, Tifa." Red XIII gets up on his paws.

"Cloud!" Tifa waves towards Cloud as he comes towards them. "C'mon! Let's go and look for Hojo and Aeris!"

Red XIII looks at Experiment M05X, almost fondly. "Farewell, 'MO5X'. Until the next time.

"So where do you think Aeris might be?" Tifa folds her arms against her chest.

"Probably inside the Shinra Mansion." Red XIII responds. "Now that Hojo's lab is ruined, he'll probably to there to get some instruments."

"INSTRAMINTS? HOJO PLAYS TH'VIOLIN?! WHY WULD HE?! I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE PLAYED TH'FLUTE!" Barret wiggles his arms around as he says that.

"Barret, when Red XIII says instruments, he means experiment-tools." Tifa sighs.

"And... since when do you care about what instrument Hojo might play?" Cloud asks curiously.

"EH... I WULDN'T KNO! AND... SO YA KNO, HE AIN'T NEVAH BIN IN A BAND WID ME! OH NO! I HATED HIM EVEN AFTER HE GAVE MARLENE BLUE SKEIN!" Barret stomps around, imitating a Native-American festive dance. Everyone stares at him.

"You... you mean, Marlene has blue skin now, Barret?! And you were in a band with Hojo?! EVEN after he did that?!" Tifa just stands there, completely shocked.

"WELL... AH'M STILL IN A BAND WITH HIM... BUT... I DIDN'T MEAN TO! HE... HE JUST BE SUCH A GOOD FLUTE PLAYAH! AND WID MAH MAD DRUM SKILLZ, WE JUST KNEW THERE WUZ A FUTURE B'TWEEN US! AH MEAN, WHO'S GONNA FED MARLENE?! NAOW ADAYS, SINCE W'LET HOJO MAKE HER SKEIN BLUE FER AN EKSPIRAHMENT, WE GOTS LOTSA MONEY, SO MARLENE DON'T GO HUNGRY NO MORE!"

"Oh my god, Barret! How could you do such a thing to us?! And Marlene?! Imagine her future! You really ARE a mindless beast!" Tifa smacks him in the face again, and then goes inside a near-by elevator with everyone. Barret, is forced to take his own elevator, since he is being temporarily shunned, and also since everyone else would be squished if he was in an elevator with them. The elevator doors closes with a loud ping, and they begin the descent down.

"They're going to the Shinra Mansion? Fools! All of them! Well, I can't expect them to measure up to ME, after all! Hahaha!" A girl steps out of the shadows, in her cargo shorts and green shirt. Adjusting her white headband with her cast-like protected arm, and ruffles her dark-brown hair, sniggering all the while. "The fools! And they don't even realize that they don't have their materia! Hahaha!"

Enter Yuffie Kisaragi, The Great Thief!

Yuffie walks up and snatches an abandoned Ultima Materia, and takes a pricey thing-a-ma-jig next to a half-eaten donut, then prepares to leave. But first, she notices Experiment M05X. "You again? Rotten little squirrel! I know you'll rat on me!" She shoves Experiment M05X in it's cage, locking the door, and laughs. "There you go! NO ONE can stop me, for I AM THE GREAT THIEF, YUFFIE!"

Tifa half skips half walks outside of the Shinra HQ building. "Free at last! Whoa! Guys, look! There's a bunch of junk at the curve here!"

"There was a curve in front of the Shinra HQ?" Cloud blinks, lost.

"Actually, that 'trash' is a bunch of highly-rare goods, the kind Materia Lords collect. And these look to be from Shinra Mansion, if I am correct."

No one pays attention to Red XIII's last sentence, because at that exact moment, Clouds shouts, "HEY! A COFFIN!" He jumps up and down exited, pointing at the abandoned coffin, with a faded purple border on it. "CAN WE KEEP IT?! CAN WE KEEP IT?! HUH?! HUH?! HUUUUUH?! CAN WE PLEEEEEASE?!"

"WHY WULD WE WANNA COFF'N?! THEAH'S PROBABLY A DEAD GUY IN THEAH, FOO!" Barret lightly shoves Cloud, but that sends Cloud sprawling into the dust. Everyone just stares at him, for the second time that day, as Cloud painfully pulls himself up.

"Ah... coffins... This one, it smells hellish... with a dash of lavender... THAT MUST BE SOME CORPSE! I'VE GOT TO GET IT!" Cloud leaps onto the coffin, and while dragging it, starts to hum One-Winged Angel, as if nothing out-of-the-ordinary is happening.

"Hey... Cloud... I have a bad feeling about this... look – there's a sign on top of the stuff." Tifa points to a big sign saying YUFFIE'S TREASURES FROM SHINRA MANSION DO NOT TOUCH OR ELSE! Cloud, Red XIII, and the now accepted Barret pay no attention to her, however, and instead they work together on excavating the coffin from the rubble and dragging it away. "I just know something bad is going to come out of this... oh well. HEY, GUYS! WAIT FOR ME!" Tifa shouts, waving her hands.

-Fin

(I hope you guys enjoyed this! Sorry it took so long to put up... ( ). I'd like to thank Lonewolf Fell sooooo much for her help! (again!) And... I know that there are still some main characters missing... just be patient! They'll be here very, very soon! And reviews are always appreciated.