Chapter 1
Of Metrognomes
SLAM RRIP "WOW!"
What is Mr. Frodo up to now? thought Sam, as he ran to the front hall of Bag End.
"AAAAUUUGH!"
Frodo looked up.
"What's the matter, Sam?"
"Wh- Wh- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" screamed Sam.
"It's a Metrognome™!"
"What the hell is a Metrognome™!"
"It's a metronome that doubles as a garden gnome! Isn't it CUTE?"
"Er...yeah, if you say so, Mr. Frodo...Where did that ug-...er...thing come from?"
The Metrognome™ appeared to be a garden gnome with a pea green hat, a neon pink shirt, and yellow Bermuda shorts.
It really was quite ugly.
"Wal-Mart, of course!" said the rather absentminded Frodo.
"WAL-MART?"
"I know you don't like some of their...policies, Sam...but I saw one in a display outside and I HAD to have one..."
Sam knew of Frodo's tendency to see and therefore purchase ugly, completely useless objects. Last week, it had been an incense burner in the shape of a flamingo. Frodo, of course, was allergic to incense.
"Oookay...What does it do?"
Sam was still optimistic that it wouldn't be as annoying as the doorbell that made the sound of a chicken. Unfortunately, it was. And more.
Quoth the Metrognome™: TICK! TICK! TICK!
"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" shrieked Sam.
"I think it's rather relaxing, don't you?" asked the rather oblivious Frodo.
"Not...really..." said Sam, speaking through clenched teeth.
"I knew you would!" said Frodo, who hadn't really heard Sam, as the Metrognome™ was still ticking at about the decibel level of a 757 engine.
Frodo ran off to his room to listen to the deafening ticking. Sam ran for his special earmuffs that he had sneakily purchased, ironically, at Wal-Mart after Frodo had gotten that cursed doorbell.
I wonder when Mr. Frodo's going to get over this weird disorder thing, thought Sam. It's starting to really worry me...
