Seinfeld Script 3-The Liar
(Setting-Monks)
George
You know what I hate about fast food places?
Jerry
That the food is all greasy and unhealthy?
George
No, I like that, what I don't like is that I am still hungry afterwards! I waste my money, I eat and I'm not satisfied, is it wrong for me to want to be satisfied?
Jerry
Of course not.
George
Exactly!
Jerry
Why are we talking about this?
George
Well it was silent so I decided to get that off my chest.
Jerry
Ok then .Here comes the queen of the castle.
Elaine
I can't believe this! Peterman demoted me!
George
Why would he do that?
Elaine
Because he found someone better.
Jerry
Who could be better then you?
Elaine
Carl Hamilton.
SCENE ENDS
(Setting-Frank and Estelles house)
Estelle
Kramer it is so nice of you to stop by and help us pack.Georgy wouldn't do that for us.
Kramer
Well I am no Georgy,I am Cosmo Kramer.
Frank
Cosmo!I need your help here!
Kramer
I am coming!
(Phone rings,Estelle answers it)
Estelle
Hello?
George
Hi Ma, I just want to let you to know that the Seinfelds are going to pick you up at the Florida Airport, so don't wait for a taxi.
Estelle
Oh, I know,Helen called me already ,it's so nice of them to invite us over for the week.
George
Ya, ya, well then I'll stop by to help you pack.
Estelle
Oh,no need, Kramers already here helping us. I will see you in a week Georgy.Love you,now say goodbye to your father.I'll get him. (puts down phone)
FRANK!Come say bye to Georgy on the phone!
Frank
I am coming!
Scene Ends
Setting-Carl Hamilton's office
Carl
Hey Elaine, you got the report for me?
Elaine
Yes (in gritted teeth)
Carl
You had such a great office in here, I'm sure you miss it
Elaine(Thinking)
Way to rub it in my face Jerk-off!
Elaine(talking)
Ya I do, but you deserve it too,afterall you've had a years worth of experience right?
Carl
Yes, well back to work for you Elaine!
Elaine
Yes sir(rolling eyes)
Setting-monks
Elaine
How can he hire this guy and replace me with him!
Jerry
No clue
Elaine
I'm getting to the bottom of this
Jerry
I am sure you will
Elaine
So how's it going, your comedy tour?
Jerry
I got fired from it!Those damn idiots took Kenny Bania instead! He was using MY ovaltine act..the one I told him to use, because his stunk!
Elaine
Bania?(laughing)they took him instead of you?
Jerry
I don't find it very funny.
Elaine
And it was your act too(laughing)
Jerry
I don't appreciate your mocking me.
Elaine
It's funny---
(George walks in)
Elaine
The comedy tour changed there mind,they fired jerry and took Bania instead
George
Your kidding(laughing)
Jerry
That's it,I have heard enough of you two.Have a nice lunch,I am going to catch up with Kramer.
George
You might want to rethink that,he's in Florida
Jerry
What?
George
He was helping my parents pack,and he was going to bring them to the airport,and just 20 minutes ago he called from your parents house and said he decided to go along with my parents.
Jerry
And he's staying with my parents?
George
Yup
Jerry
Well,I guess I'll go see Lois then.
Elaine
Lois?
George
Jerry's new girlfriend
Elaine
And let me guess, your Clark?
Jerry
Yes Elaine, and I can fly.
Scene ends
Setting-Florida
Kramer
Thankyou
Mr.and Mrs.Seinfeld for letting me stay last minute.
Morty
No problem Kramer.
So Frank,you up for some lawn bowling?
Frank
Lawn Bowling?
Morty
Don't tell me you don't know how to Lawn Bowl?
Scene Ends
Setting-Jerry's Apartment
Jerry
I rented Superman for us to watch tonight.
Lois
Superman?I've never seen the movies.
Jerry
You haven't?
Lois
But I have read the comics.
Jerry
Really,I didn't know woman read superhero comics.
Lois
I do.
Jerry
Ok I'll put on the movie.
Lois
You know,I once dated a guy named Clark, who hated a guy named Alexander.
Jerry
(laughing)Your kidding!
Lois
Nope,Ha,Lois,Clark and Lex. Oh ya and his exgirlfriends name was Lana.And he was adopted.
Jerry
Ok you're making this up.
Lois
Nope
(laughing)
Scene Ends
Setting-Peterman's office
Peterman
Elaine!Come in here for a second.
Elaine
What is it?
Peterman
It's Carl,he's been complaining about your attitude.
Elaine
My attitude?
Peterman
Yes,I think you should apologize to him.
Elaine
Apologize!I never did anything to him,I was nice to him!I should have an attitude toward him though!He stole my job and he has little experience!How could you demote me for that unexperienced jerk?
Peterman
So this is what its about,your demotion. Well,Elaine,I had to hire him, or I would be fired.
Elaine
What? But there is no one higher then you that can fire you.
Peterman
Oh yes there is,you see Elaine,the government can fire me,and they threatened to do so if I didn't take in Carl.You see,Carl worked in the Florida government,and everyone hated him.They wanted to get rid of him,but in a way that wouldn't hurt him.His dream,was to work at Peterman,so they decided to give him a job here, your position.
Elaine
They can't do that!
Peterman
I am afraid they can.
Scene Ends
Setting-Lois's Apartment
Jerry
You've got a nice place here.
Lois
Thanks,I'm just going to go order a pizza,is there any specific topping you would like?
Jerry
No but thanks for asking, order what you want.
Lois
So if it weren't for you getting fired, you'd be at your comedy tour right now.
Jerry
Thanks for reminding me.
Lois
Why do you care so much, you are such a successful comedian, it's just a little comedy tour.
Jerry
That's not what's bothering me, the problem is that I got kicked off it because this amateur comedian, whom I tried to help, got on it instead of me.
Lois
Oh, I see
Jerry
Yup, so, what movie did you get?
Lois
Superman 3
Jerry
3? Wouldn't you want to see the second after just seeing the first one?
Lois
Oh I saw the second.
Jerry
But you said that you hadn't seen the superman movies.
Lois
Uh,
Jerry
You were lying?Why would you lie about that?
Lois
Umm,
(Jerry looks at the coffee table noticing mail on it saying to Mrs.Tina Ledo)
Jerry
Tina Ledo? Mrs.?
Lois
Uh, That's not mine!
Jerry
Then why is it in your apartment? Are you keeping something from me? Are you married?
Lois
Err,I am a widow and my middle name is Lois and that's what I go by.
Jerry
Why didn't you just tell me?
Lois
Who knows
Jerry
You do.
Scene Ends
Scene-Jerry's Apartment
Elaine
So she lied about her past.
Jerry
Well,she didn't lie,she just didn't tell me.
Elaine
Lying and not telling are two different things.
Jerry
I realize that.
So how's work, did you get to the bottom of the Carl case?
Elaine
Ya, it's the governments doing.
Jerry
Is this going to be a long story cause I got to go soon.
Elaine
How about I spare you the details.
Jerry
Fine with me, so you going to do anything about it?
Elaine
I don't know.
Jerry
So now what?
Elaine
I got to go,I think I just thought of something
Jerry
Well good luck with that.
Scene Ends
Setting-Steinbreners office
Steinbrener
So George,you up for some lawn bowling?
George
Lawn Bowling?
Steinbrener
Don't tell me you don't know how to lawn bowl.
George
Uh,how about we go play and you'll teach me as I go along.
Scene Ends
Setting-Monks
Lois
Jerry,I am breaking up with you.
Jerry
Oh,good cause I was just going to break up with you.
Lois
Your breaking up with me?
Jerry
Why do you care?
Lois
Why would you want to break up with me?
Jerry
Well, you seem to secretive.
Lois
That's it I'm leaving.
(Lois walks out and a lawn bowling ball hits her head)
Scene ends
Setting-Lawn
Steinbrener
George I told you underhand not over!
George
Wow that must have been some far throw,I hope I didn't hit anyone.
Scene Ends
Setting-Florida
Elaine
Thankyou for letting me stay with you Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld, it was important for me to have this meeting with the government.
Helen
No problem Elaine.
Frank
Elaine, watch out!
(Elaine gets hit with a lawn bowling ball)
Kramer
Fore!
THE END
