Ok, its after one in the morning, and my Saiyuki muse kicked my ass out of bed to write this little piece on everyone's favorite green eyed demon. I'm not writing yaoi just yet so nothing is there unless you're a crazy fangirl and look for it.

Disclaimer: Shit I just realized that I don't own Saiyuki! That frickin sucks!

Why do I smile? Its not like I always feel like smiling, and yet there it is plastered on my face. False happiness.

Maybe its because you always smiled, whether you were happy or sad. Your smile was so bright and warm. I would bask in that light that you shone on me, it helped me find my own reason to smile.

After you were taken from me so cruelly, I thought I would never find true happiness again. Then

he saved me that night. With his crimson hair and blood red eyes I saw the first ray of light since you. It was not a light of love though like your light, it was a light of understanding; of shared pain.

'So it seems love was the source of both of our pain, the love I couldn't win; the love you couldn't protect.'

Those few words gave me a sense of belonging. In my darkest hour he saved more than my life, he saved my very soul that night. I belong with him, only because he understands me better than anyone has, even you my sweet Kanan.

It is for him that I smile. He knows that it is a false smile, but every now and then he will say something to make me forget my defenses and a true smile will slip out.

I smile because it is what he wants to see. He wants to see me happy and living life, and maybe with him at my side I can begin to live life again. Then, maybe my smiles won't be so fake; my happiness so false.

This was just random thoughts on Hakkai and Gojyo. I might continue with more , might not. And just so everyone knows, this is Hakkai's thoughts before the journey westward. Now that my muse is not bugging me anymore, my happy ass is headed back to bed! Oh read and review PLEASE!