HANTASTIC!
Disclaimer: I do not own nuttin'
Rating: PG13
Time Period: Right after 'The Return of the Jedi'
Summary: What if in an Altarnet Universe, Leia and Luke weren't bro and sis? What if Luke was desperate for Leia's attraction? What if Han Solo was getting in the way? What would happen?
By- Darthsnagels
Everyone was happy. Darth Vader and the Emperor are dead! Our fav friends, Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and those little droids see-threepio(C-3PO) and artoodeetoo(R2D2) are having a party with the ewoks. They will leave to go back to the rebel base soon. Luke was a little sad because his dad had just turned good but died. He looked at his friends, Han and Leia dancing together. He felt a little jealous because he liked her. She wasn't his sister, you know! Luke started walking towards them when suddenly he felt very heavy. He looked down and saw two ewoks holding onto his legs.
"Go away, you furry little nurf-herders!" Luke screamed. He shook his leg furiously but the ewoks wouldn't let go of his ankles. "What do you little walking blankets want?" The ewoks just made some strange gargle noise. Luke decided to ignore the ewoks. He continued to walk towards Lei and Han and with every step he took, he made sure to step on the little ewoks fingers making them shriek in agony.
"Hey guys! 'Sup over here?" Luke asked as he joined Han Solo and his friend Leia Organa.
"Oh, isn't it a joyous occasion? Your evil father is dead! I'm glad my dad wasn't evil, though he is dead too, 'cause your dad's side blew up my home planet. Every time I think about that it makes me sad. And mad. Oh, I hate Skywalker's!" Leia's eyes started filling with salty tears. "Oh, boo hoo!"
"Hey now, Luke. No need to upset the lady! Look what you've done," Han said glaring at Luke and taking Leia in his arms. "There, there, Leia."
Luke stared flabbergasted at them. "What did I do? What did I do?"
"Luke Skywalker! You are so mean! My planet is gone because of Skywalker's! I'm so upset!" Leia choked out. She was crying even more now.
"Hey, Chewie!" Han yelled. Chewbacca, the hairy wookie, came over to them. "Look at what Luke did to Leia." Han said nodding towards the balling women in his arms. "Teach him a lesson, would'ya?" Chewbacca pushed his fists together menacingly.
"Wait now, Chewie! I didn't do anything! No, Chewie! Noooo!" Chewbacca scooped Luke up and carried him behind an ewok house. All that was heard was desperate cries of pain and suffering.
"Thank you, Han, for setting your friend on Luke. Now he knows to be respectful around me." Leia said, wiping her tears.
"No problem."
"I love you."
"I know."
Luke crawled out, every bone in his body cracked or bruised. There is no beating like a wookie beating! Why did Leia do that? Well, I suppose , he thought I can't really blame her. She must be real upset about her planet getting blown up by a Death Star! But didn't that happen a while ago? Poor Leia. But Han! Why would Han do that? Sure he was sticking up for his shudder girlfriend, but couldn't he have the courage to beat me up himself.? I coulda kicked his patooty! Han doesn't deserve an awesome girl like Leia. An awesome girl deserves and awesome guy. Like me.
"How ya doing, Lukie? Did Chewie get you real good? I thought you Jedi were suppose to be tough!" Han laughed.
"If I had been prepared, there wouldn't be a wookie to be laughing with." Luke muttered.
"Hey, hey, hey. Is that some sort of threat to my good bud, Chewbacca? Haven't you learned, nerd, you don't pick on my girl, you don't pick on my friends. Got that, Jedi wimp?" Han glared, putting his foot on Luke's back, preventing him from getting up. Then Han, Chewie and Leia left all laughing him.
Luke hear Leia say as the three of them left, "Poor Luke. A skinny guy like him doesn't have a chance in this world."
I have a chance, Luke thought. I'm gonna make sure Leia is MINE!
It was a month after the death of Darth Vader and all of our fav characters were back at a rebel base. Even though DV and the Emperor were dead as a doornail, the Empire was still strong. The small band of rebels still had to work hard to keep the universe safe.
But Luke thought the safety of the universe was small beans to his problems. Leia still showed no attraction to him but was getting closer to Han Solo! Luke flirted, he was kind, he was aloof, he ignored her, he clinged to her, but still she could not get that he wanted a relationship! He decided he needed to be a little bit more up front.
"Hey Leia! Up for some din-din tonight?" Luke said, asking for a date.
"Sure, Luke!" Leia said. Luke beamed. "There's nothing better then getting together with friends. I'll ask Hannie and Chewbacca to come with us!" She dashed off.
"Rats!" Luke said.
The four buds went to a restaurant. Luke was getting sick watching Leia and Han be all lovey-dovey.
"Oh give me a break, will ya?" He muttered but the loving couple paid no mind to the grumpy Jedi. Luke S looked around for Chewie but even he was sharing a meal with a female wookie he had recently met.
"Hey," Han said looking at Luke, and taking a break from staring at Leia. "Three's a crowd, ya know?"
"Well, I'll be darned! We were all suppose to be going out together! You can't just kick me out of here!" Luke stormed.
"Now now Luke. Don't be such a stick in the mud." Leia said.
"And Luke? See Chewbacca over there? He looks like he's havin' a real nice time with his lady friend. Ya don't want me to disturb him so he can give you a...reminder. If he's disturbed he'll wanna take his anger out on someone. And it 'aight gonna be me, capise?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
"Heh heh. Lookit him run."
Luke fell down on his bed. The thought of getting beat up by Chewie again frightened the living daylights out of him. He still had bruises he would never see! But the pain of the hairy fist upon his flesh was nothing compared to the pain of words. Leia had called him a stick in the mud! A STICK IN THE MUD! What did she want, a party animal? No, Luke was not a party animal. HE WAS A PARTY POOPER! Luke began to sob. How, oh how, could he get Leia to love him? Then a thought hit him. The reason Leia didn't like him was because she already loved someone and didn't have any thoughts of other suitors. Luke knew what he had to do. He had to kill Han Solo.
A Jedi could easily kill a simple smuggler, couldn't one? And such a fine Jedi such as Luke should have no trouble...disposing...of an arrogant thief. But now Han Solo had given up the life of crime and had become...respectable and even...likeable among the Rebellion. Mon Mothma even like Solo! So what if he got caught trying to kill Sweet Solo? What if he was found trying to destroy Huggable Han? No, the Jedi must be sneaky. Veeeeeeeeery sneaky.
Luke spent many a day in his room figuring out ways to kill his competition.. He knew that he could not simply strike Han down with his lightsaber. Too obvious. It had to be "accident" related. Yes, as if his death was not a murder but simply an unfortunate event. Actually things were going very well for the deceitful Skywalker. He was thinking of all sorts of wonderfully wicked and believable plots and he noticed Han was no longer stuck by Leia's side. Leia had been doing a lot of business with a group of people called the Hapans. Now all Luke had to do was put his plan into action.
"Hey, Han! What's new?" Luke said to Han Solo as they shared a meal.
"Oh, nothing. I'm actually quite bored since Leia as been spending all her time in Hapes. I DO wonder what she's doing over there. I'm so bored here just hanging around this rebel base. I really, really wanna see Leia again. I would KILL to have Leia back soon!"
"Oh, Hannie, you won't be doing the killing for Leia..." Skywalker mumbled.
"What's that?" Answered Solo.
"Nothing, oh nothing. Really, Han, can't you hear anything? But that doesn't matter! I have a greatastic idea!"
"Greatastic?"
"That's what I said! Sheesh! Anyhoo my idea is why don't we take the Millennium Falcon and fly over to Tatooine for a few days? Take in the sites, see the cliffs, look at the natives...you know, manly stuff! That will pass the time while is away!"
"Hey...for a dumb lookin' guy you are actually purty smart, Lukie! Let's do that! I'll ask Chewie to come with us."
"Noooo!" Luke screamed and thrust himself up. Chewbacca could be a monkey wrench in his well calculated plan! Lukeums looked around and saw that everyone was staring at him. "Um, thought Han took the last piece of Bimm Bread...heh heh..."
"I did just take the last piece of Bimm Bread! But do you want it?" Han asked in a muffled tone taking the whole piece of bread out of his mouth and placing it on Luke's plate. "It's a little soggy but you don't mind, do you?"
"We'll leave tomorrow."
"Don't you want your bread?"
