pt.1
My name is Sydney Bristow. Seven years..or was it six? Anyways I was recruited by a secret branch of the CIA called SD-6 and sworn to secrecy but I couldn't keep it from my fiance uh..what's his name. The head of SD-6 had him killed. That's when I found out the truth. SD-6 is not part of the CIA. I had been working for the very people I thought I had been fighting against. So I went to the only place that could help me take them down. No! Not Burger King Danny! Shut up! I'm trying to talk. Now I'm a double agent for the..FBI...LAPD..CIA, oh I don't know. There's too many damn initials to remember. My handler is a man named Michael Vaughn whose very hot, and sweet, and masculine. Well...maybe not masculine. I've never actually seen him fight or do anything remotely physical. Only one other person knows the truth about what I do. Another double agent inside SD-6, someone I hardly know, my father.
(inside the conference room at SD-6)
Sloane: Okay everyone. Let's make this quick. There's some dude over in France or Ireland, one of those foreign countries. I want his bank account number. I have a tennis match in 5 minutes so see ya later.
(leaves and then walks back in)
Sloane: Do you think my tennis skirt is too short?
Jack: No. Not at all.
Sloane: It doesn't make my thighs look too big?
Jack: No. It compliments you nicely.
Sydney: So who exactly is this guy?
Sloane: What guy? Are you a double agent?!?
Sydney: No! I was refering to the guy whose bank account numbers you want.
Sloane: Like I know. Peace out.
(Sydney and Jack are left alone inside the conference room)
Sydney: So what do you think?
Jack: I'll probably get a pizza for lunch.
Sydney: No. About my mission.
Jack: Oh, what mission? I wasn't listening. Hey, you know that friend of yours..uh..Francie. Is she seeing anyone?
Sydney: No. Why?
Jack: I thought she might like to get a little take out with me, maybe go dancing.
Sydney: Oh God Dad! Your sick!
Jack: What? I'm a man. I have needs.
(Sydney gives him a dirty look and then walks out)
(Inside the "secret" warehouse)
Vaughn: This little box will allow you to take photos of the bank numbers for the CIA. It comes in a variety of colors too. So just let me know what shoes your planning on wearing so we can color coordinate!
Sydney: Thanks, I guess. Will SD-6 be able to track the radio frequency signals given off from the camera? Or is it a silent transmitter whose signals are undetectable?
Vaughn:(has a blank look on his face) Hey, the CIA gave me a real gun today instead of that fake one they made me carry. (twirls gun around his finger and accidently shoots a light out) Ah cool! They gave me bullets too!
Sydney: I'm gonna go now. I have a lot of work to do.
Vaughn: Cool. Me too. I have to re-load tetris on my computer.
(Sydney approaches a bank in Florence, Italy)
Sydney: Hello? I need to check my safety deposit box.
Bank Teller #1: Excuse me?
Sydney: My name is Mrs. Smith.
Bank Teller #1: Will you please come into the building rather than standing outside in the drive-thru lane.
(Sydney walks into the building)
Bank Teller #2: (greets Sydney but in Italian)
Sydney: Huh?
Bank Teller #2: (repeats herself)
Sydney: Um...(talks into microphone) I'm going to have to abort the mission.
Dixon: Why?
Sydney: This chick is speaking Russian or something.
Dixon: Just walk to the back where the safety deposit boxes are located.
Sydney: Won't the bank teller try to jump me?
Dixon: She's a 300 lb 40 yr old woman. So unless you have a twinkie I think she'll leave you alone.
Sydney: (walks back)(starts kicking the boxes)
Dixon: Pull the handle.
Sydney: (pulls the handle and opens the box) How'd you get so smart Dixon?
Dixon: From experience. But I guess that accounts for nothing. After all, I've been here for 20 years and without a promotion. Then they hire you. Some 20 year old who doesn't even know how to turn on a t.v. Sloan gives you a nice office, big paycheck, and what do I get? I get stuck in a van while you get to go out into the field and work.
Sydney: What was that? My ear piece shorted out.
Dixon: Oh, I said you looked beautiful.
Sydney: Thank you. I got the numbers.
pt.2
(Sydney enters her apartment)
Francie: Hey girlfirend. What have you been up too?
Sydney: Just some banking stuff.
Francie: So I went to the store today and they were out of that volumizing shampoo I use. So I went to three other stores and couldn't find it. Then I decided to go to lunch and I bumped into some guy who looked just like Mike Tyson but with George Clooney eyebrows. So I sat down and I ordered the pasta salad and the pasta was so hard I thought I was gonna break a tooth on it. Then I went to the video store...
Sydney: Do you ever shut up!?! And, by the way, how did you get into my apartment?
Francie: I had a key made. So, at the video store I got the last copy of..
Will:(walks through the door) Hey guys!
Sydney: Hi Will.
Will: (stares at Sydney)
Sydney: What?
Will: I was just thinking of how beautiful you are. Like a delicate rose.
Sydney: Thanks but I have a huge zit in my forehead that luckily my foundation covered up. So how are things going with that one guy?
Will: What guy?
sydney: That guy you were seeing.
Will: I don't date guys Sydney. I date girls.
Sydney: Yeah, okay.
(at the warehouse)
Vaughn: How did things go?
Sydny: Good. Those boxes can be confusing though.
Vaughn: Here's your dad's file.
Sydney: What? How did you? I mean..thank you.
Vaughn: No problem.
Sydney: (looks it over) This isn't his file.
Vaughn: Of course it is.
Sydney: No, it isn't. It's a piece of notebook paper with Jack Bristow written at the top and a big smiley face drawn where his picture would be.
Vaughn: Yeah I know. I couldn't get your dad's file, so I did the next best thing. (smiles)
Sydney: Just to let you know, Jack is spelled with only one k.
Vaughn: You know. I'm your handler. Your not suppose to patronize me. I'm suppose to tell you what to do.
Sydney: Sorry. Where did you learn the word patronize?
Vaughn: It was on my word of the day calendar. Oh, did you finally open the Christmas gift I gave you?
Sydney: Yeah. Thank you for the poster of Spiderman.
Vaughn: (smiles) No problem. I thought you'd like it. I have the same one in my office.
Sydney: Well..I better go.
(in the conference room)
Sloane: I have just been informed that there's a mole inside SD-6.
Jack: What are you going to do?
Sloane: I'm gonna hire an exterminator.I just don't know which one to call.
Jack: No. I think they were refering to a mole as someone possibly working as a double agent inside SD-6.
Sloane: If a mole isn't an animal, then why does my lunch keep disappearing?
Jack: (slouches down in his chair)
Sloane: Ok. Now how do I go about finding a mole? (sits, thinking) Oh! I could give everyone an ink block test.
Jack: How would that work?
Sloane: I don't know. I've just always wanted to give one.
Dixon: I think you should call Carl Dryer. He's the best person to use when finding a mole.
Sloane: I think I can handle it. Hmm...what could I do? (sits, thinking some more) Maybe you'd better give me that number. (Dixon hands him a card) 1-800-BABE?
Dixon: Oops. Sorry. Wrong card. (hands him a different card)
Sloane: Sydney, you've been awfully quite. Are you constipated or something?
Sydney: No, I was just thinking about what my next mission would be.
Sloane: Have you ever seen the movie Mission Impossible?
Sydney: Yes.
Sloane: Some people say I look like Tom Cruise.
pt.3
(Sydney's apartment. Her, Will, and Francie are playing scrabble.)
Francie: It. 3 points.
Will: Good job! Ok. Let's see here, if!
Sydney: Ok. That's 1 point. Hmm...hypocritical. 8 points!
Francie: That's not a word!
Will: She's right. That's an animal.
Sydney: Huh?
Will: Yeah, you know. It's big. Sometimes goes by the name hippo!?!
Sydney: That's a hippopotamus!
Francie: Then what kind of animal is a hypocrite?
Will: Maybe it's a cross between a hippo and a cricket!
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Can we move on?
Francie: Fine but hypocrite is not a word! (puts down tiles) 6 points.
Sydney: Candy is not spelled C-A-N-D-A-Y.
Will. I thought the whole point of this game was to spell actual words or are we suppose to make em up now like you are!?!
(at the warehouse)
Sydney: Sloan suspects a mole inside SD-6.
Vaughn: Is he gonna get an exterminator?
Sydney: A mole? As in a double agent?
Vaughn: I wonder if there's such a thing as a triple agent!
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Sloan is going to hire Carl Dryer to find the mole. What tactics do you think he'll take?
Vaughn: How should I know?
Sydney: My dad told me it's likely he'll give a functional imaging lie detector test.
Vaughn: Good luck passing that!
Sydney: Can you train me on how to pass it?
Vaughn: Duh!?! When they ask you a question just lie. Do I have to figure out everything for you?
(Jack and Sloane are alone in the conference room)
Sloane: There's an ancient clock SD-6 would like to get its hands on.
Jack: A clock?
Sloane: That's what I said! I told the big bosses that the office is already equipped with more than enough clocks. Mine even has one of those alarms on it!
Jack: Are you going to send Sydney on the mission?
Sloane: Of course. She's the only one we ever send on missions. If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment at the salon. Later!
(Sydney's apartment)
Will: I hate to bring this up, but have you ever wondered about why Danny died?
Sydney: He was killed. That's the end of it!
Will: I found out some information. He was scheduled to leave on a flight that night with a woman named Kate Jones.
Sydney: So....?
Will: Well, I was wondering if you had her number. Obviously Danny had good taste in women so she must be a knockout. (telephone rings)
Francie: (answered the phone) Hello?
Telephone: Joey's pizza.
Francie: Hey. I'd like a large, no..wait, make that an extra large pepperoni pizza with sausage and bacon but with low-fat cheese. Hello? That's wierd.
pt.4
(Warehouse, Sydney is waiting to be hooked up to the lie detector test)
Sydney: Can we start?
Vaughn: Yeah.
Sydney: So you read the manuals on how this test works?
Vaughn: I don't need any manuals. How hard can it be. (starts putting electrodes on)
Sydney: Those are suppose to go on MY head.
Vaughn: Oh..(takes them off and hands them to Sydney) Now where's the on switch. (looks around)
Sydney: (points) Right there.
Vaughn: Ugh! Would you mind pushing it. It's really dirty lookin. (she pushes the button) Thanks!
Sydney: Well...?
Vaughn: Well what?
Sydney: Are you going to ask me questions?
Vaughn: Sure. Um.....do you think I should get bangs?
Sydney: Your suppose to ask me questions that Carl Dryer might ask.
Vaughn: Geez! You don't have to be so mean.
Sydney: Sorry. I'm just really nervous.
Vaughn: Ok. Are you a triple agent?
Sydney: Double!
Vaughn: Right. Are you a double agent?
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: (starts laughing)
Sydney: What is it? Did I stay below 30?
Vaughn: Hehehe. You got a 69. Hehehe. 69.
Sydney: (stares at him)
Vaughn: Are you, uh, romantically interested in anyone?
Sydney: (looks at him)
Vaughn: It could be a question!
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: Do you prefer chocolate syrup or whip cream?
Sydney: (looks at him)
Vaughn: It could be a question!
Sydney: If this were for real, I'd be dead. Wouldn't I?
Vaughn: Your just starting, but yeah. You'd be dead.
(inside the conference room)
Sloane: Sydney, your new mission is to rescue the book that goes along with the clock.
Sydney: What about getting the clock?
Sloane: I'm just gonna by one from Wal-Mart. They'll never know the difference. Oh, you need to take a pregnancy test before you leave
Sydney: What!?!
Jack: I think he means you need to take the lie detector test.
Sloane: Yeah, whatever. Oh, be careful of Carl though. He kept trying to cop-a-feel on me this morning when I took it.
Jack: Why would you have to take the lie detector test? You're the head of SD-6.
Sloane: Carl said I had to.
Jack: Well, he was lying.
Sloane: You mean, he took advantage of me?
Jack: I don't know if I would call it that, but...
Sloane: Oh well. He's not my type anyways. He's a little pale looking, don't ya think?
(Sydney's apartment)
Francie: I can't believe you have to go out of town again!
Sydney: I'll only be gone a few days.
Francie: I don't care that your going but do you think this time you could remember to bring me back a souvenior!?!
Sydney: How about after I get back, we go shopping for a wedding dress?
Francie: No! I'm not getting a dress until I lose some weight. Besides, I wanna shop around for the cake first. You know that they give you free samples, all you can eat! And then we'll need to shop around for a caterer too!
pt.5
(blood bank mobile)
Sydney: I think I failed the lie detector test.
Vaughn: Oh no! If they find out your a double agent, are they gonna kill me too!?!
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: Whew! You had be worried there for a sec.
Sydney: I have to go on another mission with Dixon.
Vaughn: How come they never give you a girl to go with? Especially if you have to find something buried in a mud pit. Then the two of you would have to strip down into tiny bathing suits and get all muddy........Anyways, here's this. (hands her a big walkie-talkie)
Sydney: What's this?
Vaughn: (scratches head) I don't know. I guess the CIA wanted you to be prepared so that if you ever lost your remote control you wouldn't have to get up and walk to the t.v. to change channels. You could just grap your extra remote!
Sydney: I think it's a walkie-talkie.
Vaughn: You don't know how the CIA works at all, do you?
(Dixon and Sydney are in the jungle, they just discovered the big hole where the book is located.)
Sydney: Are you sure it's gonna be safe for be to climb all the way down just on that rickity ladder?
Dixon: Sure! Why not! (pushes her down the hole)
Sydney:(lands at the bottom with a big thud) Thanks Dixon! (talking to herself) That made it a lot quicker. Oh, there's the book.
Ana: (snatches the book away from Syndey)
Sydney: Hey! Give me that back!
Ana: No!
Sydney: Why do you even want it. You can't even read!
Ana: Well..I could color the pictures in it!
Sydney: It's not a coloring book, stupid! I was hoping it would be a paper doll book though. I've always loved those.
Ana: What's the title of this book anyways?
Sydney: Clocks for dummies. Now give it back!
Ana: Don't make me shoot your skinny little white a*s.
Sydney: Ha! Go ahead! Shoot me! It won't do anything though cause I'm wearing my bullet proof vest!
Ana: (looks at her)
Sydney: Uh oh.
Ana: Is there anyone else here with you?
Sydney: Just Dixon but he's hiding by our van. Damn it! I need to quit doing that.
Ana: If you'll excuse me...
Sydney: Did you just fart?
Ana: No! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave now. (whips out a picture of Drew Carey naked)
Sydney: No!!!!!!!!!!!!! My eyes!!!!!!!!!!(passes out)
Ana:(climbs up the ladder and leaves)
(at a car repair shop)
Will: Excuse me. Do you happen to have Kate Jones's car here?
Mechanic: Yeah, it's over there.
Will: Thanks.
Mechanic: Are you that wierd guy that has been stalking her?
Will: She likes me! I knew she did!
(runs over to her car and gets in)
Will: (speaking to himself) I'll just leave this tape of me singing love songs in her glove department. (finds the flower pin) Whoa! Cool! This will go great with the new coat I just bought!
pt.6
(30 minutes later....)
Sydney:(wakes up and climbs up the ladder) Dixon! Dixon! Where are you?
Dixon: (groaning) Over here!
Sydney: (runs over to him) Oh GOD! Dixon! What did she do to you?
Dixon: That...woman..took my new Gucci jacket and then..
Sydney: And then what?
Dixon: Oh...it's too horrible to say.
Sydney: You can tell me.
Dixon: Well..she...she tried taking my Prada shirt. Look...this button is almost ready to come off.
Sydney: Don't worry. I'll put my hand on it so it doesn't fall off (looks around for her backpack and pulls out the big walkie talkie Vaughn gave her)
Dixon: At least she didn't take my new shoes (looks down at his bare feet) (passes out)
Sydney: (turns on walkie talkie) This is freelancer. I need a helicopter to take us to a seamstress right away!
(Jack enters a McDonalds)
Jack: I'm here to see Michael Vaughn.
McDonald's employee: Yeah...he's over there arguing with the manager.
Jack: (walks over)
Vaughn: Why won't you let me in the play pen!?!
Manager: It's for kids.
Vaughn: So? I'm a CIA agent. I should be allowed in. Do any of them have a really cool badge or a gun...(looks at his empty holster) where'd I leave that at?
Manager: Are you done?
Vaughn: For now, yes. But I'm gonna hire a lawyer and sue you.
Manager: Are you gonna take me to Judge Judy?
Vaughn: No! You know Judge Judy? I'm sorry. I won't ever bother you again. She's a mean old lady!
Jack: Excuse me?
Manager: Are you this guy's father?
Jack: No, thank god.
Vaughn: Yeah, I know. If I were your son, then Sydney and I would be related and I couldn't get into her pants.
Jack: (glares at him) Why don't we sit down?
Vaughn: Actually I wanted to get a shake...
Jack: Sit!
Vaughn: (sits down)
Jack: I've heard that you've been checking up on me?
Vaughn: I haven't been checking you out!
Jack: I meant that you tried getting into my file.
Vaughn: Tried being the imperative word.
Jack: Imperative?
Vaughn: Word of the day calendar!
Jack: Say no more. I want to make this very clear to you. Don't you ever go into my file again!
Vaughn: I have a question. The only way you would know about me checking up on you, is if you were checking up on me.
Jack: (confused) What?
Vaughn: I don't know.
Jack: I think we're done here. (stands up and starts to leave)
Vaughn: Did you happen to see a gun lying around outside?
Jack: No. Why?
Vaughn: No reason. Just wondering.
(at a clothing store)
Sydney: Is my partner's shirt gonna be alright!
Seamstress: Hold on. I almost have the button back on. Here comes Dixon's wife. Do you know your cover.
Sydney: Yes! I know my cover! Just make sure my partner is going to be okay!
Dixon's wife: How did this happen?
Sydney: We were standing outside Bloomingdales, in New York. These crazy protesters against brand name clothes came and tried ripping Dixon's clothes off. They got his jacket...but not his shirt. The seamstress is doing everything she can to repair the button on the shirt.
Dixon's wife: Can I see him?
Sydney: Yes. (takes her over to Dixon)
Dixon's wife: (starts hitting him with her purse) You stupid fool! Why the hell are you goin and spending 300 bucks on a stupid shirt. If you were awake, I would rip you a new one!
pt.7 (inside Sloane's office)
Carl: I haven't found the mole yet, but I am convinced that the mole is Sydney Bristow.
Sloane: No, it's not.
Carl: Yes, it is.
Sloane: No, it's not. How did you get these cool little black lines on this piece of paper.
Carl: Those are Sydney's results from the lie detector test.
Sloane: Coool.
Carl: What are you going to do about Sydney?
Sloane: Ok. What's this really about? We both know Sydney is not the mole. Do you want me to take you out? Is that it? The only way I'm taking you out to a movie though is if you put a little foundation on your face. Seriously, your pale. Have you ever seen the sun? A trip to a tanning place every now and then wouldn't hurt ya!
Carl: (stares at him and then walks out)
Sloane: It's nice to help people.
(Sydney's apartment-she's in the bathtub when Francie comes barging in)
Francie: Where were you girlfriend?
Sydney: What?
Francie: We were suppose to go shopping for the cake together!
Sydney: Oh God! Francie, I am so sorry. I got tied up with work.
Francie: It's ok.
Sydney: Do you want to go cake shopping tomorrow?
Francie: We better not. I'm not allowed in any store that sells cake. The owners kept saying that I was eating too many samples! Besides, I know why you didn't show up.
Sydney: Huh?
Francie: Look at you! You and your tiny little figure. Like you would have ate any cake samples.
(warehouse)
Sydney: I was reading some of my mom's old books that my dad use to give her. I found codes on the pages. It looks like KGB were sending my dad codes through the books. Do you think you could take these to the lab and have them figured out?
Vaughn: (has a blank look on his face) So your dad ate BLT's while your mom read books?
Sydney: Just take these to the lab.
Vaughn: (nods-sits them on a table)
Sydney: Sloane has ordered me to make a drop in Florence, Italy at a park.
Vaughn: I wonder what the Italian word is for spaghetti?
My name is Sydney Bristow. Seven years..or was it six? Anyways I was recruited by a secret branch of the CIA called SD-6 and sworn to secrecy but I couldn't keep it from my fiance uh..what's his name. The head of SD-6 had him killed. That's when I found out the truth. SD-6 is not part of the CIA. I had been working for the very people I thought I had been fighting against. So I went to the only place that could help me take them down. No! Not Burger King Danny! Shut up! I'm trying to talk. Now I'm a double agent for the..FBI...LAPD..CIA, oh I don't know. There's too many damn initials to remember. My handler is a man named Michael Vaughn whose very hot, and sweet, and masculine. Well...maybe not masculine. I've never actually seen him fight or do anything remotely physical. Only one other person knows the truth about what I do. Another double agent inside SD-6, someone I hardly know, my father.
(inside the conference room at SD-6)
Sloane: Okay everyone. Let's make this quick. There's some dude over in France or Ireland, one of those foreign countries. I want his bank account number. I have a tennis match in 5 minutes so see ya later.
(leaves and then walks back in)
Sloane: Do you think my tennis skirt is too short?
Jack: No. Not at all.
Sloane: It doesn't make my thighs look too big?
Jack: No. It compliments you nicely.
Sydney: So who exactly is this guy?
Sloane: What guy? Are you a double agent?!?
Sydney: No! I was refering to the guy whose bank account numbers you want.
Sloane: Like I know. Peace out.
(Sydney and Jack are left alone inside the conference room)
Sydney: So what do you think?
Jack: I'll probably get a pizza for lunch.
Sydney: No. About my mission.
Jack: Oh, what mission? I wasn't listening. Hey, you know that friend of yours..uh..Francie. Is she seeing anyone?
Sydney: No. Why?
Jack: I thought she might like to get a little take out with me, maybe go dancing.
Sydney: Oh God Dad! Your sick!
Jack: What? I'm a man. I have needs.
(Sydney gives him a dirty look and then walks out)
(Inside the "secret" warehouse)
Vaughn: This little box will allow you to take photos of the bank numbers for the CIA. It comes in a variety of colors too. So just let me know what shoes your planning on wearing so we can color coordinate!
Sydney: Thanks, I guess. Will SD-6 be able to track the radio frequency signals given off from the camera? Or is it a silent transmitter whose signals are undetectable?
Vaughn:(has a blank look on his face) Hey, the CIA gave me a real gun today instead of that fake one they made me carry. (twirls gun around his finger and accidently shoots a light out) Ah cool! They gave me bullets too!
Sydney: I'm gonna go now. I have a lot of work to do.
Vaughn: Cool. Me too. I have to re-load tetris on my computer.
(Sydney approaches a bank in Florence, Italy)
Sydney: Hello? I need to check my safety deposit box.
Bank Teller #1: Excuse me?
Sydney: My name is Mrs. Smith.
Bank Teller #1: Will you please come into the building rather than standing outside in the drive-thru lane.
(Sydney walks into the building)
Bank Teller #2: (greets Sydney but in Italian)
Sydney: Huh?
Bank Teller #2: (repeats herself)
Sydney: Um...(talks into microphone) I'm going to have to abort the mission.
Dixon: Why?
Sydney: This chick is speaking Russian or something.
Dixon: Just walk to the back where the safety deposit boxes are located.
Sydney: Won't the bank teller try to jump me?
Dixon: She's a 300 lb 40 yr old woman. So unless you have a twinkie I think she'll leave you alone.
Sydney: (walks back)(starts kicking the boxes)
Dixon: Pull the handle.
Sydney: (pulls the handle and opens the box) How'd you get so smart Dixon?
Dixon: From experience. But I guess that accounts for nothing. After all, I've been here for 20 years and without a promotion. Then they hire you. Some 20 year old who doesn't even know how to turn on a t.v. Sloan gives you a nice office, big paycheck, and what do I get? I get stuck in a van while you get to go out into the field and work.
Sydney: What was that? My ear piece shorted out.
Dixon: Oh, I said you looked beautiful.
Sydney: Thank you. I got the numbers.
pt.2
(Sydney enters her apartment)
Francie: Hey girlfirend. What have you been up too?
Sydney: Just some banking stuff.
Francie: So I went to the store today and they were out of that volumizing shampoo I use. So I went to three other stores and couldn't find it. Then I decided to go to lunch and I bumped into some guy who looked just like Mike Tyson but with George Clooney eyebrows. So I sat down and I ordered the pasta salad and the pasta was so hard I thought I was gonna break a tooth on it. Then I went to the video store...
Sydney: Do you ever shut up!?! And, by the way, how did you get into my apartment?
Francie: I had a key made. So, at the video store I got the last copy of..
Will:(walks through the door) Hey guys!
Sydney: Hi Will.
Will: (stares at Sydney)
Sydney: What?
Will: I was just thinking of how beautiful you are. Like a delicate rose.
Sydney: Thanks but I have a huge zit in my forehead that luckily my foundation covered up. So how are things going with that one guy?
Will: What guy?
sydney: That guy you were seeing.
Will: I don't date guys Sydney. I date girls.
Sydney: Yeah, okay.
(at the warehouse)
Vaughn: How did things go?
Sydny: Good. Those boxes can be confusing though.
Vaughn: Here's your dad's file.
Sydney: What? How did you? I mean..thank you.
Vaughn: No problem.
Sydney: (looks it over) This isn't his file.
Vaughn: Of course it is.
Sydney: No, it isn't. It's a piece of notebook paper with Jack Bristow written at the top and a big smiley face drawn where his picture would be.
Vaughn: Yeah I know. I couldn't get your dad's file, so I did the next best thing. (smiles)
Sydney: Just to let you know, Jack is spelled with only one k.
Vaughn: You know. I'm your handler. Your not suppose to patronize me. I'm suppose to tell you what to do.
Sydney: Sorry. Where did you learn the word patronize?
Vaughn: It was on my word of the day calendar. Oh, did you finally open the Christmas gift I gave you?
Sydney: Yeah. Thank you for the poster of Spiderman.
Vaughn: (smiles) No problem. I thought you'd like it. I have the same one in my office.
Sydney: Well..I better go.
(in the conference room)
Sloane: I have just been informed that there's a mole inside SD-6.
Jack: What are you going to do?
Sloane: I'm gonna hire an exterminator.I just don't know which one to call.
Jack: No. I think they were refering to a mole as someone possibly working as a double agent inside SD-6.
Sloane: If a mole isn't an animal, then why does my lunch keep disappearing?
Jack: (slouches down in his chair)
Sloane: Ok. Now how do I go about finding a mole? (sits, thinking) Oh! I could give everyone an ink block test.
Jack: How would that work?
Sloane: I don't know. I've just always wanted to give one.
Dixon: I think you should call Carl Dryer. He's the best person to use when finding a mole.
Sloane: I think I can handle it. Hmm...what could I do? (sits, thinking some more) Maybe you'd better give me that number. (Dixon hands him a card) 1-800-BABE?
Dixon: Oops. Sorry. Wrong card. (hands him a different card)
Sloane: Sydney, you've been awfully quite. Are you constipated or something?
Sydney: No, I was just thinking about what my next mission would be.
Sloane: Have you ever seen the movie Mission Impossible?
Sydney: Yes.
Sloane: Some people say I look like Tom Cruise.
pt.3
(Sydney's apartment. Her, Will, and Francie are playing scrabble.)
Francie: It. 3 points.
Will: Good job! Ok. Let's see here, if!
Sydney: Ok. That's 1 point. Hmm...hypocritical. 8 points!
Francie: That's not a word!
Will: She's right. That's an animal.
Sydney: Huh?
Will: Yeah, you know. It's big. Sometimes goes by the name hippo!?!
Sydney: That's a hippopotamus!
Francie: Then what kind of animal is a hypocrite?
Will: Maybe it's a cross between a hippo and a cricket!
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Can we move on?
Francie: Fine but hypocrite is not a word! (puts down tiles) 6 points.
Sydney: Candy is not spelled C-A-N-D-A-Y.
Will. I thought the whole point of this game was to spell actual words or are we suppose to make em up now like you are!?!
(at the warehouse)
Sydney: Sloan suspects a mole inside SD-6.
Vaughn: Is he gonna get an exterminator?
Sydney: A mole? As in a double agent?
Vaughn: I wonder if there's such a thing as a triple agent!
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Sloan is going to hire Carl Dryer to find the mole. What tactics do you think he'll take?
Vaughn: How should I know?
Sydney: My dad told me it's likely he'll give a functional imaging lie detector test.
Vaughn: Good luck passing that!
Sydney: Can you train me on how to pass it?
Vaughn: Duh!?! When they ask you a question just lie. Do I have to figure out everything for you?
(Jack and Sloane are alone in the conference room)
Sloane: There's an ancient clock SD-6 would like to get its hands on.
Jack: A clock?
Sloane: That's what I said! I told the big bosses that the office is already equipped with more than enough clocks. Mine even has one of those alarms on it!
Jack: Are you going to send Sydney on the mission?
Sloane: Of course. She's the only one we ever send on missions. If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment at the salon. Later!
(Sydney's apartment)
Will: I hate to bring this up, but have you ever wondered about why Danny died?
Sydney: He was killed. That's the end of it!
Will: I found out some information. He was scheduled to leave on a flight that night with a woman named Kate Jones.
Sydney: So....?
Will: Well, I was wondering if you had her number. Obviously Danny had good taste in women so she must be a knockout. (telephone rings)
Francie: (answered the phone) Hello?
Telephone: Joey's pizza.
Francie: Hey. I'd like a large, no..wait, make that an extra large pepperoni pizza with sausage and bacon but with low-fat cheese. Hello? That's wierd.
pt.4
(Warehouse, Sydney is waiting to be hooked up to the lie detector test)
Sydney: Can we start?
Vaughn: Yeah.
Sydney: So you read the manuals on how this test works?
Vaughn: I don't need any manuals. How hard can it be. (starts putting electrodes on)
Sydney: Those are suppose to go on MY head.
Vaughn: Oh..(takes them off and hands them to Sydney) Now where's the on switch. (looks around)
Sydney: (points) Right there.
Vaughn: Ugh! Would you mind pushing it. It's really dirty lookin. (she pushes the button) Thanks!
Sydney: Well...?
Vaughn: Well what?
Sydney: Are you going to ask me questions?
Vaughn: Sure. Um.....do you think I should get bangs?
Sydney: Your suppose to ask me questions that Carl Dryer might ask.
Vaughn: Geez! You don't have to be so mean.
Sydney: Sorry. I'm just really nervous.
Vaughn: Ok. Are you a triple agent?
Sydney: Double!
Vaughn: Right. Are you a double agent?
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: (starts laughing)
Sydney: What is it? Did I stay below 30?
Vaughn: Hehehe. You got a 69. Hehehe. 69.
Sydney: (stares at him)
Vaughn: Are you, uh, romantically interested in anyone?
Sydney: (looks at him)
Vaughn: It could be a question!
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: Do you prefer chocolate syrup or whip cream?
Sydney: (looks at him)
Vaughn: It could be a question!
Sydney: If this were for real, I'd be dead. Wouldn't I?
Vaughn: Your just starting, but yeah. You'd be dead.
(inside the conference room)
Sloane: Sydney, your new mission is to rescue the book that goes along with the clock.
Sydney: What about getting the clock?
Sloane: I'm just gonna by one from Wal-Mart. They'll never know the difference. Oh, you need to take a pregnancy test before you leave
Sydney: What!?!
Jack: I think he means you need to take the lie detector test.
Sloane: Yeah, whatever. Oh, be careful of Carl though. He kept trying to cop-a-feel on me this morning when I took it.
Jack: Why would you have to take the lie detector test? You're the head of SD-6.
Sloane: Carl said I had to.
Jack: Well, he was lying.
Sloane: You mean, he took advantage of me?
Jack: I don't know if I would call it that, but...
Sloane: Oh well. He's not my type anyways. He's a little pale looking, don't ya think?
(Sydney's apartment)
Francie: I can't believe you have to go out of town again!
Sydney: I'll only be gone a few days.
Francie: I don't care that your going but do you think this time you could remember to bring me back a souvenior!?!
Sydney: How about after I get back, we go shopping for a wedding dress?
Francie: No! I'm not getting a dress until I lose some weight. Besides, I wanna shop around for the cake first. You know that they give you free samples, all you can eat! And then we'll need to shop around for a caterer too!
pt.5
(blood bank mobile)
Sydney: I think I failed the lie detector test.
Vaughn: Oh no! If they find out your a double agent, are they gonna kill me too!?!
Sydney: No.
Vaughn: Whew! You had be worried there for a sec.
Sydney: I have to go on another mission with Dixon.
Vaughn: How come they never give you a girl to go with? Especially if you have to find something buried in a mud pit. Then the two of you would have to strip down into tiny bathing suits and get all muddy........Anyways, here's this. (hands her a big walkie-talkie)
Sydney: What's this?
Vaughn: (scratches head) I don't know. I guess the CIA wanted you to be prepared so that if you ever lost your remote control you wouldn't have to get up and walk to the t.v. to change channels. You could just grap your extra remote!
Sydney: I think it's a walkie-talkie.
Vaughn: You don't know how the CIA works at all, do you?
(Dixon and Sydney are in the jungle, they just discovered the big hole where the book is located.)
Sydney: Are you sure it's gonna be safe for be to climb all the way down just on that rickity ladder?
Dixon: Sure! Why not! (pushes her down the hole)
Sydney:(lands at the bottom with a big thud) Thanks Dixon! (talking to herself) That made it a lot quicker. Oh, there's the book.
Ana: (snatches the book away from Syndey)
Sydney: Hey! Give me that back!
Ana: No!
Sydney: Why do you even want it. You can't even read!
Ana: Well..I could color the pictures in it!
Sydney: It's not a coloring book, stupid! I was hoping it would be a paper doll book though. I've always loved those.
Ana: What's the title of this book anyways?
Sydney: Clocks for dummies. Now give it back!
Ana: Don't make me shoot your skinny little white a*s.
Sydney: Ha! Go ahead! Shoot me! It won't do anything though cause I'm wearing my bullet proof vest!
Ana: (looks at her)
Sydney: Uh oh.
Ana: Is there anyone else here with you?
Sydney: Just Dixon but he's hiding by our van. Damn it! I need to quit doing that.
Ana: If you'll excuse me...
Sydney: Did you just fart?
Ana: No! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave now. (whips out a picture of Drew Carey naked)
Sydney: No!!!!!!!!!!!!! My eyes!!!!!!!!!!(passes out)
Ana:(climbs up the ladder and leaves)
(at a car repair shop)
Will: Excuse me. Do you happen to have Kate Jones's car here?
Mechanic: Yeah, it's over there.
Will: Thanks.
Mechanic: Are you that wierd guy that has been stalking her?
Will: She likes me! I knew she did!
(runs over to her car and gets in)
Will: (speaking to himself) I'll just leave this tape of me singing love songs in her glove department. (finds the flower pin) Whoa! Cool! This will go great with the new coat I just bought!
pt.6
(30 minutes later....)
Sydney:(wakes up and climbs up the ladder) Dixon! Dixon! Where are you?
Dixon: (groaning) Over here!
Sydney: (runs over to him) Oh GOD! Dixon! What did she do to you?
Dixon: That...woman..took my new Gucci jacket and then..
Sydney: And then what?
Dixon: Oh...it's too horrible to say.
Sydney: You can tell me.
Dixon: Well..she...she tried taking my Prada shirt. Look...this button is almost ready to come off.
Sydney: Don't worry. I'll put my hand on it so it doesn't fall off (looks around for her backpack and pulls out the big walkie talkie Vaughn gave her)
Dixon: At least she didn't take my new shoes (looks down at his bare feet) (passes out)
Sydney: (turns on walkie talkie) This is freelancer. I need a helicopter to take us to a seamstress right away!
(Jack enters a McDonalds)
Jack: I'm here to see Michael Vaughn.
McDonald's employee: Yeah...he's over there arguing with the manager.
Jack: (walks over)
Vaughn: Why won't you let me in the play pen!?!
Manager: It's for kids.
Vaughn: So? I'm a CIA agent. I should be allowed in. Do any of them have a really cool badge or a gun...(looks at his empty holster) where'd I leave that at?
Manager: Are you done?
Vaughn: For now, yes. But I'm gonna hire a lawyer and sue you.
Manager: Are you gonna take me to Judge Judy?
Vaughn: No! You know Judge Judy? I'm sorry. I won't ever bother you again. She's a mean old lady!
Jack: Excuse me?
Manager: Are you this guy's father?
Jack: No, thank god.
Vaughn: Yeah, I know. If I were your son, then Sydney and I would be related and I couldn't get into her pants.
Jack: (glares at him) Why don't we sit down?
Vaughn: Actually I wanted to get a shake...
Jack: Sit!
Vaughn: (sits down)
Jack: I've heard that you've been checking up on me?
Vaughn: I haven't been checking you out!
Jack: I meant that you tried getting into my file.
Vaughn: Tried being the imperative word.
Jack: Imperative?
Vaughn: Word of the day calendar!
Jack: Say no more. I want to make this very clear to you. Don't you ever go into my file again!
Vaughn: I have a question. The only way you would know about me checking up on you, is if you were checking up on me.
Jack: (confused) What?
Vaughn: I don't know.
Jack: I think we're done here. (stands up and starts to leave)
Vaughn: Did you happen to see a gun lying around outside?
Jack: No. Why?
Vaughn: No reason. Just wondering.
(at a clothing store)
Sydney: Is my partner's shirt gonna be alright!
Seamstress: Hold on. I almost have the button back on. Here comes Dixon's wife. Do you know your cover.
Sydney: Yes! I know my cover! Just make sure my partner is going to be okay!
Dixon's wife: How did this happen?
Sydney: We were standing outside Bloomingdales, in New York. These crazy protesters against brand name clothes came and tried ripping Dixon's clothes off. They got his jacket...but not his shirt. The seamstress is doing everything she can to repair the button on the shirt.
Dixon's wife: Can I see him?
Sydney: Yes. (takes her over to Dixon)
Dixon's wife: (starts hitting him with her purse) You stupid fool! Why the hell are you goin and spending 300 bucks on a stupid shirt. If you were awake, I would rip you a new one!
pt.7 (inside Sloane's office)
Carl: I haven't found the mole yet, but I am convinced that the mole is Sydney Bristow.
Sloane: No, it's not.
Carl: Yes, it is.
Sloane: No, it's not. How did you get these cool little black lines on this piece of paper.
Carl: Those are Sydney's results from the lie detector test.
Sloane: Coool.
Carl: What are you going to do about Sydney?
Sloane: Ok. What's this really about? We both know Sydney is not the mole. Do you want me to take you out? Is that it? The only way I'm taking you out to a movie though is if you put a little foundation on your face. Seriously, your pale. Have you ever seen the sun? A trip to a tanning place every now and then wouldn't hurt ya!
Carl: (stares at him and then walks out)
Sloane: It's nice to help people.
(Sydney's apartment-she's in the bathtub when Francie comes barging in)
Francie: Where were you girlfriend?
Sydney: What?
Francie: We were suppose to go shopping for the cake together!
Sydney: Oh God! Francie, I am so sorry. I got tied up with work.
Francie: It's ok.
Sydney: Do you want to go cake shopping tomorrow?
Francie: We better not. I'm not allowed in any store that sells cake. The owners kept saying that I was eating too many samples! Besides, I know why you didn't show up.
Sydney: Huh?
Francie: Look at you! You and your tiny little figure. Like you would have ate any cake samples.
(warehouse)
Sydney: I was reading some of my mom's old books that my dad use to give her. I found codes on the pages. It looks like KGB were sending my dad codes through the books. Do you think you could take these to the lab and have them figured out?
Vaughn: (has a blank look on his face) So your dad ate BLT's while your mom read books?
Sydney: Just take these to the lab.
Vaughn: (nods-sits them on a table)
Sydney: Sloane has ordered me to make a drop in Florence, Italy at a park.
Vaughn: I wonder what the Italian word is for spaghetti?
