Disclaimer: Not mine, property and JK Rowling and whoever else. I'm just using her characters to have fun with;) Also the song featured is not mine, property of Destiny's Child and their associates.
Warnings: Slash, swearing…don't like it, don't read, simple as.
A/N: I'm so sorry I haven't updated for ages! This chapter is a nice long one to make up for my lack of updating! I hope you enjoy it! I'm currently looking for a beta, so feel free to e-mail me if you are interested, also my beta can give me a kick up the arse if I don't update. As I'm English I would prefer an British beta as it would be easier, but if you're not British I don't mind…that's just my preference cause we speak differently to Americans, Australians etc! But again, I really don't mind if you're not British, I'm open to anyone really! Erm, one last thing, the poem is one of my own, written especially for this! Hope you enjoy! Don't forget to R+R!
As I entered the Entrance Hall, tears blurred my vision. I was so sure that I had seen something in those silver eyes. I was sure that under the ice he had looked at me with something more than malice and hate. I shook my head and wiped my eyes. Why was I so stupid? How could that prick like me? I was just kidding myself, but damn it! It hurt like hell! Why was he such an insensitive bastard? Why did he have to push me away?
Before I entered the common room, I managed to compose myself. I glanced around and saw Ron and Hermione sitting in the corner of the common room, together. I sighed and walked over as they saw me. I sat beside Ron on a soft armchair, but didn't look at them. It hurt so much to see them together, like that. It wasn't fair! I longed to be with the one I loved, but it was impossible, he hated me, but here they were, wrapped in each others arms, perfectly oblivious to my inner demons. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, willing myself not to cry, not to break.
It's over and done
But the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me tonight?
"Harry, what's wrong?" Hermione asked, sitting up to look at me. I opened my eyes and sank back into the armchair.
"Nothing. I'm just tired..." I replied, still not looking at her.
"Oh...alright Harry." She said, a little uncertain, but just sank back into Ron's arms.
Both of them started talking about some mundane events that had taken place over the summer, trying desperately to get me to join in. However, I resisted. I couldn't stand the inane conversations, so took out a piece of parchment and a quill. I set the parchment down on the table and dipped the quill into the ink. I didn't even have to think of what to write. The words just flowed freely through me. I hid my work from my two best friends, knowing they would question me. I looked down at the words and sighed to myself. I closed my eyes and the words were still etched into my mind; the words of my tortured soul.
'Nothing hurts like life,
Nothings so tempting like the blade of a knife,
Lost in this world of tears,
Surrounded by my eternal fears.
Living life when you feel broken,
Living life with words left unspoken,
Is more heart-breaking than you can dream,
Does all this sound too extreme?
If you knew how tortured my soul is,
If you knew how much I longed to hear that voice of his,
Whisper my name, utter 'I love you',
You would feel my pain too.
But why do I fool myself?
He would never love me, himself.
We are enemies, opposites in life,
That's why my hand reached for the knife.'
I stood abruptly, picking my parchment up. I turned to Ron and Hermione and said, "Night..." Then disappeared up the stairs, leading to the boys' dormitory. I quickly stripped down to my boxers and slipped into my bed. I pulled the hangings shut and starred at the ceiling. I bit my lip hard, so it bled. I knew I couldn't risk cutting myself here, someone could walk in. Tears ran down my face, wishing for him to be here with me. I felt myself shiver and curled up, trying to get warm, but it was impossible. I'd never be warm without him.
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart
"Harry..." I heard Ron's voice enquire, but I ignored him. He soon left and the next thing I knew I had drifted into a restless sleep, full of dreams of blond hair and silver eyes.
"DRACO!" I yelled, as I shot awake. I sat up, dripping in sweat, and blushed as I realised what had happened. I could hear Ron scrambling out of bed, and I squeezed my eyes shut as he ripped the curtains open.
"Harry, are you okay?" Ron asked, looking down in concern.
I looked up at him, pushing my glasses on and mumbled, "Y...yeah, I'm fine."
"You yelled Malfoy's name out!" Ron said, frowning at me.
"Oh, I was just dreaming of smashing his face in." I said and quickly jumped out of bed and pushed past Ron into the bathroom. I slammed the door shut and leant against it, taking a deep breath. I glanced down at myself and decided that I needed a cold shower.
Fifteen minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom, dressed and calm. Ron was still looking at me weirdly, but I tried to ignore him. I grabbed my bag and left, Ron following. We waited for Hermione and made our way down to the Great Hall. Their hands were entwined and they were chatting away animatedly to each other, with me trailing behind them. We took our usual places at the Gryffindor table, facing the Slytherin table. I kept my eyes firmly fixed on my plate as I ate, but could feel a pair of eyes boring into the top of my head. I took a deep breath and looked up.
Silver met emerald as our eyes locked. The emotion that flowed through that one look was enough to kill a person. I starred back into the eyes I had learnt to hate, but had grown to love. I couldn't break the eye contact even if I wanted to. His eyes glazed over as he realised what had happen. He glared at me and turned away to talk to Blaise. I watched him as he spoke. The way his mouth formed the eloquent words that flowed from his mouth was breath-taking. He seemed different when he spoke to Blaise...more alive. His face broke into a warm smile as Blaise's did. I could feel my heart breaking in two as he spoke to the dark haired Slytherin.
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
I had never seen Draco smile like that before. The look in his eyes, the lust on his face as he spoke to Blaise. I could feel anger and rage well up inside me, burning like a furious fire. I frowned, and bit my lip to stop the tears falling. I stood quickly and ran out of the hall, ignoring the protests of Ron and Hermione. Unbeknown to me, a pair of silver eyes watched me leave, dying to be with me. I glanced down at my timetable and realised that I had double potions, with the Slytherins. I sighed and made my way towards Snape's classroom, and leant on the wall, waiting to go in.
I looked up as I heard footsteps coming toward me. I could see the silhouette of someone, slowly turning into the form of Draco Malfoy. I bit my lip and looked away quickly, trying desperately to ignore him. He stopped in front of me, but I didn't look up, until I felt soft fingers under my chin that lifted my head up. Our eyes met again and I found that I couldn't move. He moved slightly closer to me and I felt my breath catch in my chest.
"Potter," He breathed.
"Y...yeah?" I whispered, my voice faltering slightly.
"Why did you kiss me?" He asked, looking deep into my eyes.
I opened my mouth to answer, but he broke away from me as more footsteps echoed down the passage. Blaise and the other Slytherins came into view, and he left and took his place next to Blaise. I looked away again, as Hermione and Ron stood next to me.
I'm there at your side,
A part of all the things you are
But you've got a part of someone else
You've got to find your shining star
We trailed slowly into Snape's dungeon and took our usual places. He made his usual start of year speech, but I hardly listened. I just gazed at the back of a blond head. My eyes wandered over his body, which bought my attention to his and Blaise's arms, touching slightly. I felt more anger and pain wash over me. I couldn't even concentrate as we started mixing the potion, until I finally made my cauldron explode, in a flash of pink sparks.
"Potter! 20 points from Gryffindor AND detention." Snape yelled at me, "Now clean that mess up."
The whole class was starring at me, including Draco. I glanced up at him, and found myself blushing. I quickly ducked under the table and began cleaning, as the class returned to their potions. I finally stood up, but found him still watching me. I blinked in confusion. Why was he still watching me? He didn't care. He liked Blaise that much was obvious.
"Malfoy, concentrate." Blaise snapped at him.
"Fuck off, Zanbini!" Draco sneered.
I smiled slightly, but received a glare from Draco, who turned back to the potion he was brewing. I sighed and sat down, glaring at the floor.
Finally the torture of potions was over. I packed my things away quickly and made my way to the door.
"Potter!" Snape barked.
I stopped at the doorway and turned around. As I saw Snape beckon me over, I felt a sense of dread wash over me. I glanced over at Ron and Hermione and said, "I'll see you later…" Then walked slowly over to Snape.
"Your detention will be tomorrow night, in here at 7," Snape said, in a low hiss.
"Yes, sir," I mumbled and turned to leave.
I finally made it out of the classroom and began walking along the dimly lit corridor. I kept my eyes on the floor, scuffing my feet as I went. I had herbology next, with the Hufflepuffs. I walked past a dark corridor, not noticing the figure watching me. I took a few more steps, but was stopped as someone grabbed my wrist. I was pulled back and slammed into the wall. I looked up, but before I could see who was pressed against me, I felt lips crush onto mine. As soon as the lips touched mine, I knew who it was, instantly. I sank into the kiss, but soon the lips had ripped away from mine. I looked up at Draco, in slight shock.
"Don't ever come near me again, Potter!" Draco sneered.
"But you just kissed me!" I said, disbelief clear in my voice.
"Don't get used to it, Potter." Draco drawled, walking away.
It felt as if my whole world had shattered into a thousands pieces, as I leant against the wall. Tears dropped down my face as I slid down the wall and pulled my knees to my chest. I don't know how long I sat there for, everything just seemed a blur.
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart
Why did that git just kiss me? He was playing with me, as he usually did. I couldn't believe that an individual could put someone through this much torture. What Voldemort had done to me, is nothing to what Draco was putting me through. I tried not to think of Draco, but I could still taste him on my lips. He tasted like vanilla, mixed with poison. He was intoxicating. He was taking over me. I needed him, but he would never need me.
My stomach started to rumble fiercely, which finally made me move. I pushed myself up slowly and wiped away the tears that were still flowing. I took a few moments to compose myself then headed towards the Great Hall. I knew I'd missed Herbology…Hermione would be furious. I walked into the Hall with my head bowed and sat beside Ron.
"Where were you?" Hermione snapped.
"No where…" I mumbled.
"Harry, you missed Herbology!" Hermione said, ice frosting her voice.
"Hermione, leave it." I heard Ron mutter softly. I could feel his eyes watching me. He laid a hand on my shoulder and asked, "Sirius, right?"
"What? Oh…yeah…Sirius…" I said, tonelessly.
Conversation seemed to end at that point, well with me anyway. Hermione and Ron tried to keep the chatter formal, but I barely heard them. I looked up at the Slytherin Table, my eyes landing on Draco. I felt a painful twinge at my heart, which grew and grew. It felt like my heart had been stabbed over and over, with the fragments of my broken soul.
I clutched my chest and gasped as the pain worsened. I quickly exited the hall, knowing Draco's liquid eyes were watching. Tears blurred my vision, as I stumbled clumsily back to Gryffindor Tower. Luckily I didn't run into anyone, and the common room was deserted. I made my way to my dorm and threw myself down on my bed.
What was happening to me? Why was I falling to pieces for Draco Malfoy? The one I had loathed, the one who had insulted my first friend, ritually tormented me, had now become my object of desire, my only reason for surviving. If you can call this surviving…existing could be used to better describe what I was doing.
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
I dragged my curtains shut and pulled out my penknife. I couldn't stand this feeling of frustration and agony much longer. I needed a release. I slowly dug the metal blade into my soft pink flesh. The knife finally slipped into my skin and blood came oozing out. Slowly, twisted ribbons of crimson blood entwined and wrapped themselves around my arm. I watched as the blood flowed, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. The pain was still there in my heart, but numbed by the physical pain in my arm. I watched, entranced by the sight of my anguish, dripping scarlet onto the bed sheets.
I soon dragged myself back to the harsh world of reality. I knew I couldn't stay in my blurry world of agony and blood for long. Ron could walk in, or worse Neville. I quickly walked to the bathroom, washed my knife and arm, then tugged my sleeve down. I closed my eyes for a moment, then left the dorm, walking slowly to Care of Magical Creature. I moaned, realising Draco would be in the lesson.
I was the last one to arrive outside Hagrid's hut. Hagrid nodded to me and began the lesson on Kappa's. Everything he said was just a slur. I couldn't concentrate, as I could feel a pair of eyes boring into the back of my head. I glanced back and my eyes met Draco's. He glanced away quickly, sneering something to Blaise. I distinctly heard him say my name, as Blaise glanced maliciously up at me. I narrowed my eyes, and turned back to Hagrid.
The rest of the lesson was spent making notes in the September sunshine, then we walked back up to the castle for Transfiguration, whilst the Slytherins wandered off in another direction. Transfiguration and dinner passed without incident.
I walked slowly back to the common room alone, as Hermione and Ron had said something about going for a moonlit walk. I turned a corner and found my path blocked. I looked up into the deep, dark brown eyes of Blaise Zanbini. I glared at him and tried to push past him. However, he grabbed the front of my shirt and slammed me into the wall.
"Keep your eyes off him, Potter!" Blaise spat, his face close to mine.
"What the fuck?" I snapped back.
"I've seen the way you watch Draco. He's mine, Potter." Blaise hissed, pushing me harder against the wall.
"You don't own him, Zanbini!" I sneered, trying to keep my cool.
Blaise smirked and said, "Not yet!" He tossed me to the floor and stalked off.
I sat for a moment, hardly able to believe what Blaise had just said. I knew that I had no chance now. Blaise was fucking gorgeous. Anyone would kill to go out with him, whether they were male or female. He had that perfect face, totally symmetrical. His body was toned and defined nicely, with a tapered waist, but not too much muscle. Of course, he was nothing compared to Draco, but he had to be the second most shaggable guy in the school, Draco obviously being first. It was common knowledge that they were both bisexual, most Slytherins tended to be.
I dragged myself back to the common room, and went straight to bed. I stripped down to my black boxers and slipped between the sheets, pulling the hangings closed. I pulled my glasses off and set them aside, as I lay back against the pillows. I sank against the soft feathers, feeling tears of anger, frustration and hurt flow down my cheeks, pooling on my pillow. I slowly drifted off into a tormented sleep.
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
Thanks for reading. Love you guys mwah Don't forget to R+R!
