Never had Kathryn imagined that her monk-like sexual conduct would end in such embarrassment. She valued Tuvok's insight but damn him for not saying something sooner. And the doctor… well, no thanks to the doctor. That's for sure. Someone like Harry and Tom can carry on in just about anyway they want on the holodeck, but, come on Kathryn, what were you thinking? They are Harry and Tom, after all. Surely, a crew expects more from their captain. Why didn't someone stop me going into this? What about what Chakotay said about molecular composition? Whatgood are friends if they fail to stop you from making an ass out of yourself?
At that moment Kathryn Janeway rammed straight into the chest of a tall man leaving the holodeck. It was Chakotay. He had just finished playing a game of hover ball with B'Elanna.
"Whoa!" he said looking at a furious Kathryn Janeway. Holding her by the shoulders to keep her from bolting, he asked, "Are we under attack?"
"No. I am," Kathryn spat and pushed against his hold.
"Later, B'Elanna," Chakotay said as he matched Kathryn's stride. "Want to talk about it?"
Only an irritated sideways glance acknowledged his remark.
"Had a run in with Q? An argument with your favourite drone?"
She shot daggers at him with her eyes.
A little less confident, he added, "Me?"
"You were on the holodeck. You log most of your time playing hover-ball, or skiing or boxing, don't you?" "That's right."
"You are not a fan of Fair Haven, are you?"
"I had a look around, like I do whenever the crew gets involved in a new common program. I'll go to the pub when I'm invited but… no I have never really been a big fan of holo-fiction. Why? Kathryn, what has this got to do with anything?"
"When you said that you never let a little thing like molecular composition stop you, what were you talking about?"
"Oh that!" Chakotay laughed, "I once knew an 8472 who was a pretty good kisser." Kathryn was in no mood for jokes and quickened her pace.
"Kathryn, please?" Chakotay said. He grabbed her arm and held her still so he could see her face. She looked at the floor. "My God, Kathryn, what is it?" Where any other woman would be near tears, Kathryn developed a facial twitch in her cheek, but Chakotay understood her expression.
"I rely on your judgment,Chakotay and you encouraged me…you…. you…." Shaking her head and meeting his gaze, she conceded, "It is not your fault. I have made an ass out of myself and I want to blame anyone but me."
"I find that hard to believe. Why don't we go get something to drink? I have already had my work out, and this march of yours is going to wear out the carpet." He looked both ways at the occasional crew member who were trying to ignore them, "Not to mention scare the junior officers."
Still tense and irritated, Kathryn sighed, "My quarters."
Chakotay looked down at his sweaty hover-ball clothes. "My quarters…and on my rations?"
Kathryn noticed for the first time that her first officer was sweaty and smelly. She wrinkled her nose. "Please, do stop by your quarters, but save your rations." After her experience with Tuvok, Kathryn wanted her own turf. "Join me in my quarters when you are clean."
They walked together without saying another word. Kathryn tried her best to control her anger and keep a calm pace.
"Kathryn?" he asked in his disarming voice, just before he left her to go change.
"What?" she clipped."Exhale now and then, it is good for the pulmonary system."
She responded with the smallest of laughs, and walked alone the rest of the way.
Kathryn entered her own living space but did not stop walking. She paced and fidgeted. She stared at the replicator. Wine? No, she had had enough 'calmed and meditative' substances tonight. "Coffee, black."
When Chakotay arrived dressed in clean casual clothes he frowned at Kathryn, stressed out and drinking coffee late at night, yet again. He ordered himself a tea and lounged in the overstuffed chair across from her. "Can you start from the beginning?"
"I had dinner with Tuvok," Kathryn said flatly from behind her coffee mug.
"Oh?" Chakotay replied, trying to stifle his amusement.
"He wanted to talk to me about my conduct on the holodeck."
"Oh," Chakotay said more gravely.
"He is concerned that my relationship with Michael is not only illogical, but exposing me to impertinent remarks among the crew."
Chakotay leaned back and took a deep breath. "I see." His interests were divided, on the one hand, Chakotay wanted to defend Kathryn against anyone who would hurt her, but on the other hand, he knew she just needed a listening ear. It was his turn to speak in a clipped tone. "And what did he suggest some Vulcan meditations? Or does he just expect you to be captain 24 hours a day for the next fifty years?"
Kathryn waved her hand, "It wasn't like that, Chakotay. Tuvok was very respectful, even understanding. I'm not angry with him. I'm angry with me for not foreseeing this. And I'm frustrated with this impossible situation." She shifted herself on the sofa, propping one elbow over its arm and tucking one foot under her leg, she leaned towards him slightly. "Tell me, Chakotay, how do you do it?"
"Pardon?" It was an extremely personal question, one he never expected her to ask.
Gentle and imploring, she continued, "It's been almost seven years since we've been in the Delta Quadrant. Your last known lover was Seska."
His countenance darkened at the mention of her name.
"Sorry." She paused a moment, "I know you are a private man, Chakotay. But right now, I'm asking because nobody is making impudent remarks about you."
His heart went out to her. Chakotay felt for her embarrassment, and was always honest with her. He spoke quietly, "Lucid dreaming."
"What?" she heard him but was caught off guard by the answer. "Oh, I remember. Your people have a method whereby they can control their dreams."
He leaned forward in his chair and looked her straight in the eye, "They also have a saying that translates literally 'keep the seed in the ground,' but it means 'keep the dream in the heart.' The idea behind it is that a dream, a longing, or desire, is like a seed. It is best left unspoken, concealed in the heart, until it can grow up like a young seedling and be realized in its own way. I guess that is why holodeck fantasies don't hold the same appeal to me."
Kathryn was very thoughtful. "Just what does this kind of dreaming do?"
"It isn't quite accurate to say that I control the dream. The dreaming comes from a deeper level, but lucid dreaming helps me to interact with it. In a way, it gives me clarity. There I discover what I truly want." Chakotay knew that he made a dangerous confession. The conversation brought her too close to inferring what he really wanted. "And," he emphasized, "It helps me to cope when a desire cannot be realized."
Kathryn's eyes were wide but her face remained blank. God, she appreciated him. She knew the risk he took with his own heart every time he gave her such honesty as her friend. Remembering the conversation wasn't about him, she turned it away from what he revealed. "That is just it; I do not know what I want."
"That's because you do the opposite, instead of facing and exploring your dreams and desires, you suppress them, and look for distractions from them. It's how you choose to cope." He spoke matter-of-factly, but almost lovingly.
"Would lucid dreaming help me?"
Chakotay laughed, "Kathryn, you'd have to learn to sleep at night! But…maybe a vision quest might sort things out."
Kathryn looked down into her empty cup.Maybe he was right. She looked up into his understanding smile and contemplated his handsome features. Then again, maybe it was Tuvok who was correct.
