Part Five

Mamoru felt himself sailing through the air. Moments later the building collapsed on itself, but it wasn't the force of the explosion which sent him hurtling backwards. He hit the road surprisingly gently, rolling backwards to get to his feet instinctively. He was beginning to remember why he left this work to his employees now. He was learning that buildings had a tendency to collapse around Nagi.

Who had to be alive, didn't he? Mamoru knew from experience that he was the only one who could have done that. He scanned the billowing dust desperately. Slowly it parted, a gaseous red sea, and a slim female form stepped between the clouds. It took all of Mamoru's self control not to fling his arms around his employee.

Nagi joined him at the side of the road, trying to hide his excitement. Mamoru smiled encouragingly.

"Are you alright?" Nagi asked softly.

"I'm fine," Mamoru nodded. "Thanks to you, yes?"

"I didn't know if I'd be able to do it again," Nagi admitted, looking nervous. "That might have been instinctive. It all seems to be, right now."

"Try something else," Mamoru suggested.

A pebble rose to eye height and Nagi broke into a wide smile. Mamoru couldn't help but grin as well. He pulled out his phone to call for a limo back to the main Kritiker building, then put it away again. Nagi frowned at him.

"I want to walk," Mamoru explained simply. Nagi followed him obediently as they began to make their way through the near empty streets. They probably, Mamoru realised, looked like they'd been crawling through chimneys, but that had its advantages as people made a point of not looking.

They still had maybe an hour's walk left when it began to rain. Mamoru had noticed goosebumps on Nagi's bare arms already, but as the rain got heavier the girl began to shiver. The shirt was thin, and pale, and Mamoru realised with an abrupt blush that he could see Nagi's hard nipples through it. Nagi caught the glance and looked down, suddenly wrapping his arms around the body he was still struggling to accept as his.

Mamoru sighed and pulled off his coat, gesturing for Nagi to stop. Unusually for the proud telekinetic he didn't object as the heavy garment was draped around his shoulders. Her shoulders.

"Why-" Mamoru stopped himself, blushing.

"What?" Nagi asked.

"I shouldn't ask. It's too personal," Mamoru said awkwardly. "Not polite."

"Not polite to ask a girl?" Nagi asked wryly. "Don't forget who I am. Go on, ask," he insisted.

"Uh, I was wondering why," Mamoru grimaced, "you weren't wearing a, um, bra."

Nagi's expression darkened. "That was too personal," he said coolly.

Mamoru sighed. Now he was getting cold as well, and he could feel water running down the back of his neck and making his loose shirt stick. They stood facing each other in the middle of the street, in the rain, and it just seemed so stupid.

"I'm going to call for a car," Mamoru said firmly.

"I have an apartment near here," Nagi volunteered abruptly. "It would be quicker than waiting for a car."

"How many apartments do you have?" Mamoru asked bemusedly as Nagi led the way.

"This is the only one that's mine," Nagi told him. "I have a place to stay with Crawford and Schuldig, and a place to stay with Kritiker, but this is my place."

"I see," Mamoru said, and he did.

As they walked, Nagi began to talk again. "I keep expecting to turn back," he said softly. "Just as suddenly as I changed. No, I don't expect it," he corrected himself, "but I want it very badly. That's why I'm not wearing a bra; don't own any, in fact. It would imply that this is a bit more long term than I can deal with at the moment."

"Isn't it uncomfortable?" Mamoru asked before he could stop himself.

"I have very small breasts," Nagi said dryly. "It's not really much of a problem, especially if I wear tighter clothes." He snorted. "It bothers me, and it's stupid. I can still pass for a guy. I'm still basically the same build I was before. I'm the same weight, even."

"It's not stupid," Mamoru said awkwardly.

"That would be more comforting if you could back that up," Nagi told him. "Otherwise it's just a lie."

They rode the lift in silence, Mamoru marvelling at how high Nagi had chosen his 'place'. It made for a long and awkward trip, but Mamoru was beginning to realise that any interaction with Nagi was awkward. Even the other members of Schwarz seemed at a loss as to how to handle him.

Nagi's apartment was small and neat. Main room, bedroom, bathroom. Simple furniture, no mess, a western edge to the décor. Nothing on the walls at all, not even shelves or cupboards.

Nagi gave Mamoru a very calculating stare. Mamoru frowned at him.

"I might have some clothes that will fit you, if you want to change," Nagi said eventually. "I'm going to change."

"I think I'll be alright," Mamoru said.

"Okay. Make yourself comfortable," Nagi shrugged and disappeared.

The sofa was a military grey and rather more comfortable than it looked, though the material was slightly itchy. It sat awkwardly in the centre of the room, facing nothing in particular. It was the only seat in the room, and long enough for a person to sleep on easily. Mamoru made a mental note to ask Nagi if he could stay over. There wasn't much point calling anyone out at this time.

Nagi reappeared wearing a long skirt and Schuldig's obnoxious shirt. He was carrying chocolate in one hand and he offered Mamoru a chunk as he settled himself at the opposite end of the sofa.

"Schuldig thinks that the fact I can use my powers again suggests that I'm beginning to accept that this really is my body," he said. He tugged self consciously on his skirt. "I don't see how."

"I don't understand," Mamoru admitted.

Nagi shook his head. "This isn't my body," he said, voice shaking slightly. "I can't let it be my body." He sniffed. "Sorry. I'm cold and tired and female."

"You've had it really rough recently," Mamoru commiserated.

Nagi sniffed again and rubbed at his eyes. "I really hate all this. Strange hormones all the time. I swear real women aren't this bad. Everything's a battle. I don't understand anything and I keep feeling things I'm not used to and for some reason I'm actually talking to people about it and I'm acting like a complete stranger and..." His voice cracked. "And I'm eating chocolate and wearing skirts and trying to be more like a girl and that doesn't work any better than trying to pretend I'm not!" He looked like he was about to flee when Mamoru snaked down the sofa and wrapped strong arms around him. To his surprise Nagi actually accepted the embrace, melting into it and sobbing against an already damp shirt.

When the tears stopped Nagi didn't move. Mamoru stroked his hair and Nagi pressed closer, small and warm. They breathed together.

Eventually, because someone had to say something at some point, Nagi commented, "Do you see what I mean about acting not like me?"

Mamoru nodded. "But," he said softly, "have you ever wanted to act like this?"

Nagi pulled back slightly to get a better look at his face. This close Mamoru could see the dark smudges under his eyes and realised how serious Nagi was about being tired. He felt guilty immediately.

"Yes," Nagi breathed.

"But you didn't follow through," Mamoru murmured.

"I couldn't," Nagi swallowed. "It was weakness." He looked confused at his own words.

"But it's not weak for girls to cry and talk and be emotional?" Mamoru raised an eyebrow.

"It's not that kind of weak," Nagi protested feebly. "Rosenkreuz weak. But... yes."

"So, if Schuldig's right and you did do this to yourself," Mamoru spoke thoughtfully, "then perhaps it was a way for you to release everything you've been afraid to? An acceptable release?"

Nagi leant back against Mamoru's chest. "Is it acceptable?" he asked in a small voice.

Mamoru hugged him tightly. "Yes," he said firmly. "No matter what gender you are." He could feel Nagi's small, and still unrestrained, breasts pressing against his chest. The fabrics separating chest from breast were thin and Mamoru wondered if it was true that small breasts were more sensitive.

"I like being close," Nagi sighed. "I never do this."

"I like it too," Mamoru said unthinkingly.

Nagi raised his head to look at Mamoru again, and they found themselves very close. It was a moment that could have gone either way, and neither knew who had pushed it the way it went, but the moment ended with a kiss. Tentative at first, but warming and exploring and comforting as it grew. Nagi moved in Mamoru's lap to get a better angle. Mamoru could feel the slender body tremble slightly. He pulled it close and broke the kiss to concentrate on the embrace.

"This is a bad idea," he breathed against Nagi's neck. Nagi squirmed slightly, making Mamoru gasp.

"So?" Nagi smiled. "Omi, I want this, and I know you do."

Mamoru managed not to flinch at the name. It meant more to Nagi to use it, the same way Crawford called him Bombay with more respect than he ever would Persia. And besides, the need in Nagi's voice was so blatant and exposed and Schuldig's words about vulnerability came back to him and a surge of jealousy hit him.

"Nagi," Mamoru said more firmly.

"Omi, please," Nagi breathed and leaned in to kiss him again. This one lasted longer, to the complaint of neither.

Again, it was Mamoru who broke it. "I promise I won't do anything improper," he managed. "I won't let this go too far," he tried to clarify.

Nagi's playful pout let him know that this was as serious as he'd hoped and he fell into the next kiss much more easily.


Nagi could feel Mamoru's breath tickling the back of his neck. It was warm, like the arm draped possessively over his side. Nagi grinned into the pillow and pressed back closer. He felt so satisfied he thought he ought to be glowing and blushed at the thought. And did that count as losing his virginity, even if Schuldig had 'explored' before?

The thought brought a familiar tingle back, and Nagi breathed deeply at all of the memories. One hand crept down and found himself, semi-hard.

Nagi stopped breathing.

All coherent thought left him. The hand came up again to confirm that the breasts were gone as well. Choking sobs tried to seize him, but he screwed his eyes shut against them and held his breath until he was certain he had it under control. Next to him Mamoru slept on.

Everything that had constituted a dream was wrenched away from him. He'd been given everything he'd asked for. How he explain the sheer horror of that? Mamoru wouldn't understand why he wanted to curl up and die.

Nagi bit his lip, hard, to hold back the tears. He had to savour every moment he had now. He couldn't waste these last minutes, as dark as they were. Last night he'd had what he wanted, even if it was nothing like how he had wanted it. He wasn't fool enough to believe that it could be recreated now.

Mamoru had to be right. The female body had been his subconscious way of ensuring that he got to do what he wanted. And now he had, so he had given himself his male body back. Except he still wanted more, didn't he? Why couldn't his subconscious understand that? He'd be happily female forever if it meant he had Mamoru forever. Even if he didn't have Mamoru, he'd still have those different inhibitions. He could cry and cuddle and be vulnerable. And throw real hissy fits at Rex, though he'd never really held back anyway, either gender.

Nagi looked down at his new cage.

"Nagi?" a sleepy voice made his heart constrict. "Is something wrong?"

Nagi couldn't bring himself to answer. Mamoru propped himself up on one elbow, concern on his face. Nagi could feel him leaning over. He wondered if Mamoru thought he regretted last night. The fierceness with which he rejected that idea scared him slightly. He rolled onto his back so he could look up at Mamoru.

"Nagi?" Mamoru was still frowning.

"In the flesh," Nagi choked out. He glanced down the length of his body and Mamoru's eyes finally widened in realisation as he saw the beginnings of a bulge beneath the sheets.

"Oh, Nagi," Mamoru's voice was unsure.

Nagi rolled away from him and sat up, back to last night's lover. It was too much now, and he started to cry uncontrollably. He could feel Mamoru moving across the bed and jerked away as the older boy reached out for him. When Mamoru tried again Nagi darted across the room and slumped in the doorway.

"Nagi," Mamoru's voice was thick. "Nagi, what's wrong?"

"I, I just need to, to adjust again," Nagi managed. "Please."

"Why won't you let me touch you?" Mamoru asked.

"I need to adjust," Nagi clung to his excuse, voice shooting up in pitch. "Please go!"

"I don't want to," Mamoru said.

"Go away!" Nagi panted. "Please, Mamoru, go away!"

"Nagi," Mamoru sounded angry now. What right did he have to be angry? He couldn't possibly understand. "I'm not going anywhere until you've calmed down," he said firmly.

Nagi swiped a fist across his eyes and stared blearily at the naked young man in his bed. He made an effort to keep his voice steady. "I want to be alone, Mamoru. Can't you respect that? I'm struggling. I have to readjust. Please just let me be alone. I don't want you here."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Mamoru demanded.

"Go away!" Nagi begged.

"Don't you screw with me!" Mamoru snapped suddenly. Nagi shrank back through the door. "You can't do this to me!"

"Leave me alone!" Nagi shrieked, pushed over the edge as well. The bed Mamoru was one began to shake wildly and he scrambled off hurriedly. No wonder Nagi didn't have any ornaments or shelves. "Leave me alone now!" Nagi screamed at him. "I don't want you here! I don't!"

Mamoru gathered his flying clothes with as much dignity as he could muster. "Fine," he said in a hard voice.

Nagi didn't give him a chance to dress, flinging him out of the small apartment in a thunderstorm of furniture and fixtures. The door slammed with a final boom, and everything went quiet.

In the safety of his room, Nagi collapsed to the floor. Curled on the hardwood boards, he silently wept.