Chapter 12: The Aftermath

Severus woke up lying on the floor feeling totally disorientated. It looked dark outside the window but he didn't know what time it was. He blinked a few times and propped himself up on his elbows. It took him a few seconds to realise why he felt so miserable, when he did he felt the tears begin to prickle in the corner of his eyes.

Screwing up his hand into a fist he rubbed his eyes forcefully, telling himself to get a grip, that this was all his fault anyway.

He now wondered why he was awake. He couldn't remember if anything had happened to return him to consciousness – he couldn't even remember falling asleep.

After Rosie had left Severus had cried unrestrainedly, almost relishing the way the tears fell down his cheeks, dropping off his nose. However the tears did nothing to abate his undeniable misery. He had, after several hours of snivelling, laid down on the floor. His face was dry now for the time being, at least there were no more tears to shed. He had laid in a stupor and must have dropped off to sleep at some point.

Severus got up uncertainly. His back hurt from the hours of lying on the hard floor. He also felt muggy. The sleep had not been at all satisfying; it had been necessary to stop him from brooding on the incomprehensible loss he felt. Severus walked slowly out into the deserted hallway; the house was silent and empty. He moved up the stairs very slowly, making the boards creak beneath his feet. He stumbled on a step and moved his left hand out to support himself on the handrail. His shirt rose up his arm to reveal a Dark Mark. Severus stopped and stared at it, disgusted. No matter how many times he saw it, it still made him sick.

Severus turned halfway up the stairs and slumped on a step. What was the point of going upstairs? Why should he bother? There was no reason – there was no Rosie.

He pulled up his left sleeve to examine the ugly souvenir of an even uglier past. He brought out his wand and muttered 'Lumos'. The end of the wand flared and gave out a light, rather like a torch. Severus brought the wand closer to the skin of his forearm. There was a small pale scar on the skin near the Dark Mark as though something had been poured on to it. Severus remembered doing that to himself all too well. He had been in such a fit of desperation one night after a particularly horrific murder that he had picked up a vile of acid and poured it onto the tattoo.

To no avail though, the Dark Mark vanished for several hours as the acid burned away some of the skin. But once Severus was in a more sane sense of mind he had healed himself only to find, to his dismay, that the Mark remained and that a small scar accompanied it.

Severus walked back downstairs and into the kitchen, he sat heavily in one of the chairs and rested his forehead on the table. For five or ten minutes he sat like this, letting the world drift by. Then he raised his head and saw something that had definitely not been there before. A letter.

He reached out a long, slim hand and picked up the letter. He unfolded the parchment and saw Rosie's writing on the page. He took out his wand and cast a spell so that all the lights in the kitchen flared. Then he sat back and read.

Dear Severus,

This isn't easy for me to write; you have to believe that. I came back recently to get some clothes, you were lying on the floor in the front room – in fact you are lying on the floor in the front room. I didn't want to wake you – I don't want to talk to you. Not yet.

I'm going to a friend's house. Please don't try to find me, just leave me be. I will be in contact soon to tell you what's going on. I know that it must have been hard to tell me all that you did but please understand that's it's hard to take in that your boyfriend was a murderer.

I do love you Severus, I think I always will – I just need time to think.

Take care,

Rosie

Severus folded up the letter and put it back on the table. 'Well, she doesn't hate me', Severus thought. 'That's something at least.'

Meanwhile Rosie was on the Knight Bus, holding onto her bedposts for dear life as it hurtled down small roads in the countryside.

"This can't be legal," Rosie muttered bitterly.

Rosie was on her way to her friend's house. Alina had always been a good friend to her, they had been in the same house a Hogwarts and, unlike many of her other friends, they had stayed in touch – although it was rare for them to see each other.

After Severus had told her about his dubious past Rosie had fled the house sent an owl to Alina's. The reply had been instant and thankfully predictable, Alina had insisted that Rosie came and stayed with her. Rosie hadn't filled her friend in on all the details, but she had stressed how upsetting it was and how desperate she was to get away. That wasn't true of course – what she wanted to do was to go home, back to Severus. To melt into his embrace and kiss him senseless. Rosie wanted to forget what he had told her – Rosie wished that it had never happened.

It took a while for Rosie to realise that the Knight Bus had stopped and that the conductor was waiting for Rosie to get off. Brushing the tears from her eyes she picked up her luggage and made her way down the steps of the bus and onto the tarmac of the road.

With a bang the bus hurtled off and Rosie was left standing on her own in the middle of the darkened street. She got out her wand and shouted 'Lumos', the wand flared and Rosie was able to shed some light on her surroundings. She turned around and with a jolt of surprise found that Alina's house was right behind her. Picking up her suitcase Rosie made her way down the gravel path and knocked on the door.

After a few seconds she heard the sound of footsteps, Rosie smiled – that was definitely Alina. With a click the front door opened and there stood Alina.

She was a woman of Chinese origin and had black hair that fell to her shoulders. She was very short – something that she had been teased about at school. She looked up at Rosie, her face shining with concern and then said gently,

"You made it, come in," she stood back and allowed Rosie to walk through the doorway. Once she was inside, Alina led her into the house, through the square shaped hallway and into the kitchen. There Rosie dumped her belongings and then she went into the front room where Alina was already sitting. There was a fire blazing at one end of the room and on the hearth was a mug of what suspiciously looked like hot chocolate with whipped cream on the top.

"You can sit down you know. I made you a hot chocolate," she said, patting the space on the sofa next to her.

"Thanks for having me Alina, I really appreciate it."

"Don't worry about it. Not like anyone else is here," she mumbled something that sounded like 'stupid Siegfried'.

They sat in silence for a while, Rosie blinking back her unshed tears. It had been a while since Rosie had been able to sit down and actually comprehend what had just happened, now that she thought about it properly she didn't see how she could ever think of Severus in the same light again. Rosie cast around for a topic of discussion.

"You two never made a go of it then?" Rosie asked thinking of Siegfried Blossier – another school friend who had had a massive crush on Alina but never had the courage to tell her.

"Huh?"

"You and Sieg, you never got together then?"

"What are you talking about?" said Alina, staring at Rosie's face.

"What do you think I'm talking about Alina?" Rosie cried exasperatedly. "You and Siegfried!"

When Alina continued to look baffled Rosie decided to be as obvious as she could. "Alina, Siegfried loves you – like hell, ever since the fourth year."

"Really?" said Alina looking genuinely shocked. "I never knew."

Rosie laughed. "I don't believe you sometimes – you are so dense."

"I am not. It's not like he told me or anything."

Rosie smacked her forehead with her palm. "My God Alina, he's liked you for yonks its not like he's going to tell you – he doesn't want to lose you as a friend – but even I thought that you'd be able to work out how he feels." Rosie sipped her drink and added, "Didn't you wonder why he didn't want to move in? I thought he would tell you and you'd confess your undying love for him!"

"Oh yeah Rosie, like I'd do that. I don't even find him attractive!"

"Not in the slightest? He's not bad."

"Exactly – you think he's all right and you fancy every single ugly male in the country! He's nice I just never noticed him in that way." She looked away and then burst out suddenly, "He should have just told me! That would have made everything so much easier!"

Rosie rolled her eyes and drank a bit more of her drink. She had just thought of how she and Severus had got together – 'Yeah, if he'd just told me if he fancied me then it would be so much easier', Rosie thought with a wry smile.

"Someday Alina, when you're in love you'll realise the difficulty of telling him how you feel."

"I wish I was in love! I'm fed up of being single!" she pounded the arms of the sofa.

Rosie snorted into he mug. "Excuse me? I want a man? Is this the real Alina – not the other Alina, remember Ms. Men-are-stupid!"

"When did I say that?" Alina said smiling.

"About two months ago when I told you about me and Sev-" Rosie stopped in her tracks. She didn't want to talk about him just yet. Unfortunately it looked like Alina had been waiting for this kind of opportunity to arise and started up the topic of Severus.

"Oh yes, you and Severus. You haven't told me what happened between you two."

"There's a reason," Rosie answered shortly.

"And that is?"

"I don't want to talk about it. It's over."

"One argument and it's over? Rosie, I thought that you loved him?"

"I did but it's not that simple. I still love him its just – I can't love him."

"What on Earth are you talking about?" Alina cried incredulously. "That would have probably made so much more sense if I knew what had happened. Just tell me." When Rosie continued to be silent she burst out, "Tell me!"

Rosie sighed resignedly and sat back into the sofa, placing the mug onto the coffee table. "Okay, I'll tell you, but it's not nice. You'll see what I mean."

So Rosie began to recount her tale. She told her all about how she and Severus had finally got together and how she had felt more and more attached to him. She explained what he meant to her and how she had gained his trust and how she suspected that he had some things about his past to tell her – even though she had no idea what.

Then she went on to talk about the later times, the times closer to the present day. How Severus had become more and more withdrawn and unhappy. How Rosie wondered if he was irritated with her and that maybe it was the fact that they never got any space from each other (not that Rosie minded). Then she told Alina how he had become more irritable and aggressive – throwing things around, shouting at the post boy when he gave Severus the wrong mail and just generally being moody and cold.

When Alina failed to see where the story was going, Rosie decided that it would probably be simpler just to tell Alina what he had said and what she had shouted in return. In a way it felt good to tell someone else what had happened. By telling Alina the sequence of events she was able to understand more what Severus' mood swings had been about and why he had seemed so distant.

"So," Rosie said, coming near to the end of her speech. "He told me about what he'd done as a – well he was eighteen, I suppose he was an adult."

"What did he tell you?" Alina asked softly.

For the first time Rosie was able to contemplate what it must have been like for Severus to tell what he had done. He hadn't wanted to but felt that he had to, Rosie was in the same position and she was equally ashamed of the deed, equally unable to express the atrocity of what he had done.

"He told me that-" Rosie took a deep breath and uttered quickly, "he was a Death Eater."

"He was a Death Eater!" Alina exclaimed. Alina came form a long line of wizarding families, she knew more than Rosie what being a Death Eater meant.

"Oh my God, really? I can't believe that."

"Neither could I," said Rosie sourly, beginning to cry properly. "But I do believe him." She sobbed loudly and Alina put an arm around her comfortingly.

"You know I'm bad at this," she mumbled, sounding embarrassed.

"Thanks a lot Alina," Rosie sniffed, feeling slightly irritated at her friend – she could at least try to comfort her.

"It'll be all right," Alina reassured her. "I promise."

"How can you say that?" protested Rosie. "How – how can you assure me th-" she broke down into sobs again, burying her face in her hands.

Alina put both her arms around Rosie and hugged her to herself, gently rubbing her arms, trying to calm her down. Alina could feel Rosie's tears seeping through her shirt and realised that this wasn't the usual happy-go-lucky Rosie sitting in her living room, this was a Rosie who needed a lot of comforting.

"I trusted him!" moaned Rosie. "Every person – every man – that I've ever trusted has always turned out to be rotten and he's just the same!" Alina sighed deeply, she knew that Rosie was referring to her previous boyfriend, the man that had taken her on a romantic trip to Barbados only to run away with a woman from Coventry that he met on the beach. "I can't," she sobbed, "I can't trust him! I can't!"

"Why not – it's only just happened," Alina asked untangling herself from Rosie and magicking a box of tissues onto the coffee table and offering them to her saddened friend.

"I know," she said sadly. "But every time I think of him I think of the Death Eaters. I hate associating him with that. You know when you find something out about someone that you wish you hadn't?" Alina nodded slowly. "Well, this is exactly the same."

"So you wish that Severus had kept you in the dark? Never told you?" Alina asked.

Rosie sniffed, "No," she replied. "I'm glad that he did – it would have come out, it's too serious not to – it's just that – I can't forget, I can't pretend that he was never a Death Eater."

"I suppose neither can he," said Alina.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't suppose that he's pleased about what he did. Why else would he have acted like that?"

"I – I know, but that doesn't make it easier to forgive. As I said, I just can't think of him the same way. I don't know whether I can live with him – knowing what he did." She blew her nose and Alina saw her eyes well up again.

"Rosie!" she exclaimed weakly.

"I'm sorry!" she wailed. "I just feel as though he's betrayed me!"

"How the hell has he betrayed you?" cried Alina.

"I know it sounds stupid," Rosie responded miserably, "but that's just how I feel. I slept with him when I didn't know what had happened – what he'd done in the past. He did. He knew it all. He could've – he should've told me from the beginning!" she finished angrily.

"Well, at least we're going through the emotions quickly," muttered Alina. "Would you have told him – if it was the other way round?"

"How the hell should I know? I'm not the blood Death Eater!"

"He's not one anymore," said Alina.

"How do you know?" questioned Rosie sharply.

"Rosie, stop this, you're being irrational. Didn't you say once that you'd been to an Order meeting? You mentioned it once in a letter," Alina said and Rosie nodded. "Do you honestly think that Severus would be in the Order if he was still a Death Eater."

"He's a spy," said Rosie simply. "How should I know?"

"Rosie, Dumbledore runs the Order! He's not going to be fooled!"

"He's untrustworthy," replied Rosie stoically and Alina grimaced, rubbing her eyes with her fingers.

"Do you actually love him?" asked Alina.

"Of course I do!" said Rosie angrily. "Don't suggest otherwise!"

"I'm sorry," said Alina, "but you seem to be trying to blame him for everything!"

"I'm not!"

"You are!" Alina argued. "Just calm down and let's talk about this sensibly." Rosie shot Alina a glare before proceeding to dab her red eyes and blow her nose again. Once she seemed calmer to Alina, Alina spoke again.

"So, let's go through it, why have you left him?"

"Are you insane? I've left him because he was a Death Eater Alina, do those words mean nothing to you? He murdered people. No I don't know how many," Rosie added as she saw Alina open her mouth.

"And?" Alina asked. Rosie glared at her but Alina merely shrugged. "It's part of Auror training – finding out the facts, I'm just trying to see what's going on," Rosie raised a brow and Alina said, "I know what he did was awful, I feel a bit sick really, but what done is done."

"What's done is done? He murdered people. I've been living in a house with a murderer, a torturer and whatever else he indulged in!" Rosie could not believe that Alina was not more shocked than she was. She had expected Alina to shout and swear and tell her never to go near him again and that if Rosie did she would kill him. Instead it was almost like Severus had just got drunk once and kissed his best friend's brother; in fact Alina was almost supporting Severus. Rosie didn't really like it, and she couldn't explain to herself why. All she knew was that she hated it even more when Alina said, in a tone that suggested that Rosie was being over-dramatic,

"But?"

"But what? I can't go back to him he was a-" Rosie was becoming more and more agitated.

"Murderer," finished Alina. "Yes I know. But if that's it-"

Rosie made an exasperated noise and threw up her hands. Alina silenced her with a look and carried on. "I've already said that it was awful and I do think that I really do – I just don't know him well at all so I find it quite hard to join your 'Lets All Hate Severus' club."

"I don't hate him," Rosie said forcefully.

"It seems like you're just finding excuses not to love him, not to live with him. Answer me this – is there any other reason that you're not with him at this precise moment other than the fact that he killed people?"

"No, there's no other reason. But I think the reason you're referring to is a pretty major factor."

"Rosie, Severus can't change the past however much he may want to. He just can't change what happened, there's no way that what he did can be altered. Do you think that he wanted to become a Death Eater?"

"I don't know," Rosie said slowly. "He never said."

"He never said or you didn't let him?" Alina asked shrewdly.

"Fine. I didn't let him!"

"Well, does he seem sorry for what he did – and really sorry I mean, not just half-heartedly because he loves you?"

This time it was easy for Rosie to answer. "Yes," she said quickly. "Yes he is sorry. He couldn't tell me for ages – that's why he went all withdrawn on me – yes, I know that sentence doesn't make sense Alina, don't even bother correcting me."

"It would have saved you all that breath if you just hadn't said the sentence in the first place!"

"Oh, look who's talking – Ms. Is-Shakespeare-even-in-English?"

"Well, it's not like it's easy to understand," she said grinning at Rosie while Rosie tried not to laugh. "But we're moving off the subject here. So, Severus is truly sorry for what he did."

"Yes," said Rosie feeling the smile fall off her face.

"Well then!" said Alina clapping her hands together in a suitably Alina gesture. "What's the problem? You love him, he loves you, he's sorry-"

"But so am I!" Rosie exclaimed suddenly. "I'm sorry I met him – kind of. I just don't know whether I can forgive him – I don't know whether I can walk down the street holding his hand when I know that those hands took someone's life away. I don't know whether I can let him kiss me with his lips when I know that they uttered the words 'Avada Kedavra'. I don't know whether I can let him banish my clothes with a wave of his wand when I know that that wand was used to kill-"

"Okay, too much information Rosie. I understand." Alina paused looking slightly sickened and then composed herself and continued.

"But do you love him?"

Rosie raised an eyebrow. "Of course I do. I love him more than anyone, I wish I was with him now."

"Then go back to him – go on, I don't want you here. You'll only tidy the place!"

"Ha ha, Severus thinks I'm messy – wonder what he'd think of you!"

"There's only one way for you to find out – go back!"

"We're going round in circles," Rosie said finally. "We've said all this before. I love him but can't forgive him. I don't know what to do. I think I might go to bed."

Alina laughed. "I don't know what to do. I think I might go to bed!" Alina mimicked. "You will go back to him Rosie."

"Oh, and what makes you so certain?" Rosie asked quizzically.

"From what you said about him before he's perfect for you and I'm not letting you leave your soul mate just because of a minor technicality."

"Soul mate? Minor technicality?" Rosie asked with a disgusted face.

"Well, maybe a bit cheesy but you two are so sweet together."

"You've never met him," Rosie reminded her.

Alina studied her face for a few seconds and then said in mock anger, "Oh, shut up Rosie! Just go to bed!"

Rosie took the advice and climbed the stairs and walked into her new room. It had been an exhausting day even though she had not travelled very far. It had only been a matter of a few hours since Severus had told her that he was a murderer yet it seemed like an age. Her body ached to be with him, but she knew it could not be. It wasn't a matter of love; it was a matter of principle, Rosie thought muggily as she climbed into bed in her pyjamas. She was asleep within a matter of minutes.

A/N: A big thanks to those who reviewed; it's nice to know that there are those out there enjoying my story. Again, I emphatically emphasise…if you read, please review!

CicadaInvasion (great name, btw) – What exactly do you think is out of character with Rosie? I'm not ridiculing your opinion, it's just that this story is posted on another site, and that issue has never been raised before. I'm simply curious to know!

Krirobe – Thanks for your comments! I adore Jane Eyre, too, as was probably apparent from my mentioning.

KES – Lol, thanks. I'm sure I can convince Rosie to listen to Severus again – eventually.

Beornthryth – I love realism within stories. Obviously, the entire wizarding thing isn't exactly down-to-earth, but I do tend to feel that if there isn't some grounding in reality then your characters become caricatures of real people. Anyway, thanks for your review!

sis ) – I know, Rosie's angry with him – which I suppose is understandable. Maybe I can coax her back to Severus …

snip-snippet – She is really impulsive, I don't mind you saying that! The anger did arrive quickly, but the she is Severus' partner; you couldn't expect them both to just sit there smouldering for a couple of chapters!

ButterflyOfLothlorien – Thanks for you review … I'll try my best to persuade Rosie to go back to Severus, but she can be very stubborn when she wants to!

Snape's Secrets – Glad that you're enjoying that story. Yes, it is a shame that they've only just managed to get together, but, there you are, I'm an evil author.

Again, I emphatically emphasise…if you read, please review!