A/N: Apologies for not updating sooner! Life is hectic, life is cruel and life has not given me enough time to log in and update! If you're lucky, I might see if I can get another couple of chapters up post-haste. Thanks to all those who read and review – and thanks to those who have stuck with the story, even after the long wait.
Chapter 17: The Pensieve
Rosie landed on the ground and staggered a few paces. She looked around; she was in a squalid room devoid of furniture or anything colourful. The room was lifeless. The walls were a dingy grey and there were streaks of damp down them. She looked to her right and gasped. There was a small figure huddled on the ground, shaking like a leaf. Rosie moved towards her and jumped as the figure spread herself out so that she was lying flat on her back, staring at the ceiling. Rosie looked at Edith Snape for the first time in her life.
So that's Edith, Rosie thought sombrely. Edith was an interesting looking woman. At first Rosie was tempted to call her ugly, but that wasn't true. Her face wasn't one of great natural beauty but there was something characterful in her appearance that made her face appealing.
She had dark hair that had several grey streaks in it. Her face was thin and gaunt and Rosie knew that that was probably due to beating rather than her natural appearance. She had a very long straight nose, about the same size as Severus', though not the same shape. Her eyes were dark and beady and at the present time watery. There were bruises on her cheeks and under her eyes. She looked in such a lot of pain, her thin mouth twisted in agony.
Suddenly the woman cried out in a pain-filled moan. Rosie wanted to help her, she wanted to comfort her. She couldn't explain it – even though she knew that there was nothing that she could do, she still felt callous at watching a tortured woman who was about to die a horrific death. Tilting her head back she looked at the ceiling, wondering whether Severus could see her looking up. She didn't want to be here, she wanted to get out.
Then a noise made Rosie's head snap back down and look to her left. The door to the room had opened and a thin figure had stepped in. He was dressed in grey and had a Death Eater mask covering his face. He shut the door and walked slowly and jerkily towards Edith Snape – it was clearly Severus.
He knelt down beside his mother and pulled down his hood revealing long lank hair. It was longer than it was at the present time; it was cascading down his back giving him a more gangly look than ever.
Edith shut he eyes and refused to look at the figure – she apparently hadn't realised that it was Severus beneath the robes. The Death Eater pulled his hood off his head and Rosie watched as his long lank hair fell to below his shoulders. It looked unkempt, unclean and a lot longer than it was at the present time. Then he pulled the mask from his face and Rosie gasped as she saw her lover's younger self.
He was easily recognisable with his long hair, thin gaunt face and hooked nose but somehow he looked very different. He looked younger, less sure of himself and upset. His thin lips were twitching as he tried to think what to say. His eyes weren't fathomless pools of black, they were transparent sheets, clearly displaying his fear and horror. The younger Severus swallowed and took in a shuddering breath and then brought out a thin hand and touched her arm.
"Mother?" he whispered hoarsely.
Edith's eyes snapped open and her head snapped round to look at her son. "Severus?" she whispered, aghast. Her eyes were wide and disbelieving.
He nodded, he seemed incapable of speech.
"I thought – you – of all people," it seemed to be a strain for her to speak.
"Ssh," said Severus softly, reaching forwards and touching her shoulder gently. "Don't speak."
"Why you though?" she gasped. "After everything."
He bowed his head solemnly. "I'm sorry," he croaked. "I'm so sorry."
"So," said Edith, something like an ironic grin flickered over her pain-stricken face. "You're here to finish me off!"
Severus said nothing for a while. He sat there and stared at her, at the ceiling, at the floor. Then he let out a breath and said, "That's what they told me."
"I see," she said quietly. "Torture?"
"They didn't specify," said Severus sneering, "but I would guess that that is what they wish."
Suddenly Edith sobbed uncontrollably; Severus looked shocked and held her tentatively to himself, hugging her. "Of all the people," she choked out. "Why you? Why you, Severus? You're the only one I ever gave a damn about!"
"That's not true – Leticia-"
"You were the only one who cared about me!" she cried. "Oh, the irony of it."
He held her for the briefest moment, waiting for his mother to stop wailing before he said,
"Mother – I can't do this."
"Don't give me that clap trap!" she cried furiously, angry tears escaping her eyes. "You wouldn't have joined if you couldn't do this." She hit his shoulder limply with every word that she uttered, then she collapsed, trembling onto her son's chest and broke down completely.
Severus stared into the distance, apparently thinking to himself and then he repeated, "I can't do this."
Edith broke away from him and cried, "You have to!"
"I don't," said Severus defiantly. "I won't – I'll just – just have to tell them I can't," he finished lowering his head realising how naïve his words sounded.
"You can't just go out and tell the Death Eaters that you don't fancy finishing me off!" said his mother drawing in a shuddering breath.
"I know," said Severus softly. "I know. But – why don't I just run for it – take you with me?"
"You'll be killed!"
"I don't care. I can't murder you. You're the only decent person in my life!" he said.
"No," she hissed desperately as Severus made to stand up. She coughed as seemed to find it increasingly hard to form words. "If you run – we'll both die! It'll be worse! Just finish me off painlessly – better!" She coughed. "There's nothing…"
Severus looked at her, horrified. Rosie saw him look down at the point where his hands supported his mother's torso and watched as he brought them back. The palms were glistening – Edith seemed to be dying without the help of her son.
"I can't mother," he said and Rosie saw the faintest shine of tears in his eyes.
"Do it! I don't want to live!"
"I can't!"
"I'm begging you Severus. Murder me! I can't take this anymore," she screamed at him. "Please!"
He looked at her, "I – ca-"
"Oh for goodness sake, boy," she said with a seemingly abrupt return to a snappish manner. "Don't lose yourself in sentimentality," she sniffed and wiped her eyes with a shaking, thin hand. "There's a world out there. You can do better than crying over me – I'm just a foolish, depressed woman."
"If you're trying to imply that you're worthless then-" started Severus.
"Oh, but I am!" she said, her eyes livid. "Maximus was right!" Severus opened his mouth but she continued brusquely. "If all I've given to world is you then I might as well have not bothered."
The words stung him, there was no doubt about it, but he made no mention and did not speak except to utter his habitual comment in times of distress, "I see." Severus made to stand up but his mother caught him by the wrist and bent him over. "I didn't," she choked. The emotion was too much for her. "Promise me one thing," she whispered hoarsely.
"Anything," Severus murmured back, holding her hands tightly in both of his.
"Leave them," she said simply. Severus looked at her and Rosie realised that she meant the Death Eaters. Severus gazed intently into her face and then nodded solemnly and said, "I will."
Severus straightened himself up to his full height, which wasn't very impressive in the situation. He brushed his robes down as though there was something that he needed to rid himself of. Severus and Edith shared a glance for the last time, Severus was the first to look away and become interested in the dirty floor. There was a moment of silence and then Severus raised his wand and cried, "Avada Kedavra!"
A burst of green light issued from Severus' wand. It shot directly at Mrs. Snape, she looked slightly surprised and then she fell to the ground and remained still and limp.
Severus dropped to his knees and leant over the body. He looked into her face and held his fingers to her wrist to check for a pulse. He dropped her hand to the ground and breathed in heavily, a solitary tear making its way down his face.
He leant over her once again and planted a single kiss on her forehead. "I hope you've gone-" and stopped. There were footsteps outside the door. Someone called,
"You done in there, Snape? She gone?" he laughed harshly.
Severus looked more disgusted than ever as he stood up. He grimaced and then picked up his Death Eater mask and fixed it shakily to his face. Rosie watched as the young yet oh-so-familiar face became obscured by a wall of grey. All that she could see were his eyes, glittering from behind the mask. A sigh issued from behind the wall disguising Severus and then he said harshly,
"Yes. She's gone."
Rosie felt herself rising into the air. She flipped over and landed in her room. The bright light hurt her eyes, she had been so used to the dull grey of the room.
She winced and turned around to see Severus standing in the corner near the door. She waited for her eyes to adjust and then looked at him properly. He looked very nervous, he was bent over slightly, his lips pursed and his brow furrowed, he was also holding his hands and twisting them somewhat unconsciously.
He suddenly noticed that she was staring at him and he straightened immediately. He put his arms behind his back and stared at her coldly. For a moment Rosie was taken aback, but then she realised that Severus was preparing for a fight, he was merely blocking out his own weaknesses – like emotion – in a form of defence.
Rosie stared at him and he looked straight at her, unblinking.
"Now you know," he said slowly and deeply.
"Now I know," Rosie repeated.
"And?" asked Severus, somewhat cautiously.
"I don't know," said Rosie. "I think I need some time."
"Oh no, Rosie, please don't leave!"
"I'm not going to – at least I wasn't planning on it. I'm going to go for a walk. I need to clear my head a bit, it's – it's a bit stale in here. I'll be back. I just need to think about what I saw."
"That's all there is Rosie, that's the truth," he stately blandly as she walked past him. Rosie stopped and turned and gave him a half-smile.
"I know, Severus. I believe you."
Rosie walked into her old room, the one that she had first used when she had moved into Severus' house. It was now a dressing room. Many of Rosie's clothes were still in this room as well as in her and Severus'. She quickly grabbed a pair of jeans, a jumper and some socks and walked downstairs. She chanced a look into their bedroom as she walked past and she saw Severus sitting on his side of the bed with his face buried in his hands.
She forced herself to not go into their room and comfort him but instead walked down the stairs into the hall. She put on her boots and her coat and hat and walked out of the front door.
The ground was cold and icy and Rosie shivered and wished that she had remembered to put on her scarf. She decided not to go back in the house to retrieve it and began to make her way down the road and towards the busy main street. When she had gone past the shops she carried on walking until she came to a vast expanse of green – the local park.
Rosie took the path leading into the park and then about a half a mile in wandered off and attempted to get lost in the woodland. She wanted to be alone and away from prying eyes, she wanted to drift into her own reverie. She needed some time to think.
Rosie burrowed her hands in to the deep pockets of her coat and thought for a moment whilst crashing through the twigs and debris that littered the ground. Then she came to a thick bit of woodland that did not look recently disturbed. Glancing around Rosie saw a log lying in a sheltered corner of the woodland. It was half hidden by an overgrown bush and the log itself was covered in dew. She moved over to the log and tentatively lowered herself onto it. Then she slumped over, looking at the ground and running her hands through her hair firmly. Her mind was racing; images and colours were flying through her mind. She needed to get it in order to sort out this mess for herself.
Severus had killed his mother. It was a fact; he had not denied it. He had murdered her in cold blood, taking the away the life of a family member and not only that, the closest family member you could get.
"Oh dear God," said Rosie limply. "Oh – God."
How could this be happening now? Why did her seemingly perfect boyfriend have to turn out to be a murdering lunatic? Why did everything seem to be against them – the break-up, the fallout, the revelation, the second revelation. Why didn't everything disappear – vanish – like the happiness Rosie thought that she could find with Severus?
Rosie wiped her eyes with a shaking hand and drew in a deep breath. How could she live with this? He had murdered Edith. Rosie shook her head morosely and sank her head lower than it already was. How could things ever be the same?
However, as Rosie thought about what she had just witnessed, she had to admit that there were so many other factors. Severus didn't randomly murder his mother – even though Rosie wasn't entirely convinced that that made it at all better.
"She was captured, though," Rosie muttered, as though in a daze. Her eyes were closed, a frown on her forehead, her fingers still tangled in her hair. "He didn't do that."
So, he hadn't wanted it to happen in the first place. So what? He still murdered his own damn mother. "But he didn't have a choice," Rosie said.
Oh but he did, said a niggling voice in her head. Everyone has a choice – he made a choice. Severus chose to murder her. She didn't beg him to.
But she did – Edith told him to, said another voice. She wanted him to.
Only because she didn't want to be tortured by other Death Eaters. I'm sure that Edith Snape would not have chosen to be murdered by her son if she had had another option.
"What else could he have done?" moaned Rosie quietly, frowning deeply. "How else could it have ended? If he had run away then they would have both been caught – they would both be dead. I wouldn't know him."
Is that such a bad thing? the little voice said wickedly to Rosie.
Rosie stood up. That was the first doubt – other than the obvious – over whether she really wanted to know him. She was confused. He'd put her through so much, so very, very much. She felt hurt and scared and angry all in one. How could one man possibly make her feel so much?
"Because I'm in love with him," sighed Rosie and sank back onto the log. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"
She thought of Severus and saw him sitting, downcast in the front room of the house, his head in his hands, his lank hair brushed roughly from his face. She felt sorry for him and that was when it hit her – Severus was a decent man. He had made terrible and awful mistakes in his life, but that's what they were – mistakes. Every time Rosie looked at Severus she saw pain and hurt. He was punishing himself every day for what had happened in the past, for what he couldn't change.
Yes, he had killed his own flesh and blood. Rosie had seen him do it and she was sure that she would never forget it. But he did seem truly repentant. His mother had begged to be killed by Severus. As Rosie thought more she was sure that Severus had no option but to do what he did. He could have run – with her – away from the turmoil. But what would that have achieved? They would both have been caught. Edith would have been tortured and murdered and Severus would have had to watch before the same fate befell himself. If he had not killed Edith then he would never have become a spy, he would never have taught, he would never have saved lives – he would only have destroyed them. In an odd and cruel way what he did was brave –
"No," said Rosie out loud. "I can't glorify him."
But then, thought Rosie, I can't hate him either. I hate what he did but I don't hate him.
Rosie looked back over her shoulder, she could just see the park through the trees. Looking down at the ground she was able to get a picture of Edith's face in her mind. Edith seemed a highly intelligent and bitter person – rather like Severus. She had obviously known that he was involved in something like the Death Eaters even though she had seemed genuinely shocked when Severus had revealed his face. Edith had also been the one to cut through the 'clap trap', as she put it. There didn't seem to be a way to put anything past her, she wasn't a woman fond of sentiment or of reminiscence. She was a down-to-earth, forceful, strong-willed individual. Rosie also sensed that she was a person that would not (as her aunt put it) 'suffer fools gladly'. She could have seen things for what they really were and not as she wanted to see them when blinded by emotion.
Yet despite Edith hating Severus' initial attempts to apologise for the situation, she did not want him dead. Rosie thought that had she really been as shrewd as Edith was, she would have let Severus have told the Death Eaters that he did not want to murder his mother, for then Edith's killer would not have got away – this would apply, of course, if Severus really was that callous and calculating. However, Edith didn't seem to want him dead. Why? Because, well, she had said it herself – there was a whole other life to lead. One that didn't involve deceit and murder. It was as if Edith forgave Severus and wanted him to make another life away from what had been.
Also, Rosie thought of how Severus had reacted when she had claimed that she was ashamed of him. An angry, violent, unrepentant serial killer would not have let the cruel words wash over them, they would have shouted and hurt and lost their head. But Severus had just taken them, he was transparently wounded but he had clearly decided that they were suitable words to describe what he was about to do. Rosie stopped – he had killed his mother for Christ's sake – how was she taking this so well? How was she beginning to forgive him – again? But then her initial thoughts came back to her – there had been no other way out of the situation (as dreadful as it was). That chain of thought led her silently to her conclusion.
She sighed and nodded – she had thought long enough – she still loved Severus and she knew that he wouldn't be able to get over her leaving him again. She paced some more trying to decide whether she could actually live with what he had done, she again thought of Edith's pleadings that he should finish her off. Then Rosie thought of why Edith was in the situation in the first place – the Death Eaters were trying to test his allegiance. Rosie was immediately sickened.
But that wasn't Severus' fault. Well, it was – but he didn't ask them to bring him his mother. And then Rosie thought that it wasn't fair to blame Severus for the appearance of his mother. That was beyond his control and Rosie was confident that he would not have been part of the plot to get there in the first place – he was clearly as shocked as she was when they finally came face to face in that small dank room.
She frowned and then thought of Severus himself. He was at home, milling over things and probably worrying himself to ulcer-like proportions. Rosie looked around and her expression softened – there was a reason to forgive him. Severus himself. He regretted every single action that he had taken. And more than that, he hadn't had to tell Rosie everything about his past. There probably would have been no way that she would have found about Edith's demise but even so Severus had felt the need to be honest and open about it. It was a commendable thing, even though it meant that Rosie had to carry yet another emotional burden. He trusted her beyond anyone else and although he thought that Rosie was unlikely to come back to live with him again he had still put his heart on the line to tell her the truth.
Rosie realised that it wasn't the best justification to go back to him – that he would be hurt it she didn't – but Rosie was desperate to any shred of justification now. She wanted to be with him. She trusted him. She loved him.
Rosie looked up at the sky. She needed to talk to him properly, to air everything that she was thinking about, that she was mulling over. She loved him, she knew that she always would, it was just whether or not she could live with him again after the last revelation.
"Only one way to find out," said Rosie heavily as she got up and walked back towards her house.
A/N 2: Ah, but is Rosie as convinced as she thinks she is?
Snip-snippet: Thank you once again for your lovely reviews: you make my day! Hugs. My friend does think she's a genius, yes; I've tried to convince her otherwise but she won't listen. I'm sure you're not bragging – I bet your IQ's about 150 or something. :-D Yes, Severus and his mother, a rather cruel little plot twist, but, once again, you've got it one: he didn't really have a choice.
Thank you so much for the compliments, and especially the one about writing a book – that really is a compliment, so another round of big hugs. Cheers, snip-snippet!
CicadaInvasion: Thanks a lot. It's always hard to know how people will react to things like death and murder, etc, so that's why I was worried.
Lilegyptiangoddess: Thank you, glad you like him:-DAmishgirl1281: Sorry about keeping you waiting, things have got on top of me recently – work, etc. Time has really been short! I'm glad you've been enjoying it, and yes, there is a connection between the cats and Alan Rickman indeed. My pen name's very connected as well – which I'm sure you already realised! Thanks again for the review!
Anonymouseccentric:
In some respects, I do see your point of view. My writing at the beginning of the story is not – up to Trollope standard, but I do put that down to lack of experience – experience that I have gained, as is evident from chapters on other sites. I will also acknowledge that some things within this story do need to be fiddled with. I had planned to edit the story once more to smooth out a couple bumps, however, I have a few things to say about your review:
1) You might not have noticed, whilst you were
raising your blood pressure needlessly, but if Severus was purely
evil and dark, he would never fall in love, and that would destroy an
entire genre of fanfiction-writing.
2) Rosie is the kind of
person who would call him 'Sev', regardless of his feelings
towards such an address. If you haven't noticed this then you
clearly haven't read the story carefully enough.
3) It may seem
a foreign concept, but when you like someone, you tend to relax
around them. As Severus loves Rosie, I don't find it unrealistic to
expect Severus to be rather relaxed when talking to her.
4) Point
of the plot, my dear. As Sirius Black's parents lived in the middle
of Muggle London, and they were described as anti-Muggle, it's not
such a stretch of the imagination to believe that Severus, who in
this fic – and in many others – is pro-Muggle, lives where other
wizards have. Besides that, not all Slytherins are Muggle-born, and
not all Slytherins are Death Eaters! They can't all live in
Manor Houses.
5) Dumbledore dresses Snape? Doesn't a grown man
have a choice any more?
6) The story is a fanfiction, which means
that this is a story based on the characters in the novels. If you
believe that all fanfiction is the author's belief of what will
come to pass in the next two books, you have quite a lot to re-think.
7) You know, I looked at it in the dictionary… def. Crap:
infantile language, never used by Severus Snape. Dear me…
8)
I wouldn't go as far as 'simpering', but, apparently sadly, he
is behaving tolerably to the person who he loves. Refer to point 1
and point 3.
9) I don't think that counts as advice.
Telling me my story is useless, and then telling me to decide to
scrap it completely isn't actually helpful.
I think the message is clear to you: do not read any further.
