Chapter 18: Acceptance

Rosie walked straight back to the house. At her road she jogged up to the gate that led to the path to the front door. She paused slightly to regain control of her breathing and then walked determinedly up to the front door. On opening the door she heard the faint smell of coffee, and knew instinctively that Severus would be in the front room, bent over, looking at the floor.

And sure enough, he was. He was sitting opposite the roaring fire in the open grate, gazing into the flames. She knew that Severus had realised that she had entered the house, she hadn't tried to be quiet, but he had made no sound or movement that conveyed that he even knew of her existence. Rosie knew that this was her cue to make the first move, to tell Severus what she thought. She could tell by his expression that he thought she would be leaving.

Suddenly she felt like her throat was tight and she knew, with a pang of horror, that the words she was about to utter were going to come out strained. "Severus, I think-" The emotion got the better of her and she began to cry, sobbing whole-heartedly into her hands.

Severus had stood up, looking concerned and unsure. He didn't know whether it was best to approach her or leave her to calm down. He would have chosen the latter – as a method of precaution (for he did not know what Rosie's opinion was – although the crying was giving him some clue) but he loved her, and he didn't think he could bear to watch her bawl. Severus stood before her and very gently touched her shoulders, as though encouraging her to lean into him. She seemingly took the hint, for she slumped into his body, her hands making fists that were clutching at his shirt material.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice muffled by the tears and material. Severus, by way of response, nuzzled the top of her head with his nose. He hugged her to him gently and Rosie sighed and hugged him back.

She had thought that it would be easy to see Severus again – now that she had decided to give the whole situation one last chance to right itself. She had not anticipated that she would be so emotional when she actually came face to face with Severus. Rosie had had the whole speech planned out in her head; she could hear his responses. But now the plan was abandoned as unresolved emotion spilled over. Rosie found that all she really wanted was Severus' comfort. The words and the discussion could wait for as long as it took. At the moment the room was quiet – and the silence was a lot easier to cope with.

A while later Severus and Rosie were sitting on the sofa opposite the fire. They were both gazing into the orange flames, their minds wandering over indistinct topics, neither one wanting to break the silence that had hung over them since Rosie's return. Rosie had her head on his chest and his arm was around her shoulder, his fingers gently stroking and winding in and out of her dark brown hair that was falling across her face.

"We need to talk." It was Severus who stated this. He sighed and continued, "I – I don't really know what to say. You don't seem to either," he prompted.

There was a moment's silence before Rosie said slowly, "I don't know what to think."

The silence became their solace, as it had done before, and Severus resumed his gently stroking whilst Rosie closed her eyes, trying to block out everything in front of her – Severus included.

"I had a speech all planned," said Rosie solemnly. "I had it planned that I would come in and I would tell that I'd thought about what had happened and that I couldn't believe it – and then I would tell you that you were obviously repentant and that I still loved you, despite everything."

"What now though?" asked Severus.

"Seeing you – it makes me think – I can't say what exactly," she felt her throat tighten painfully again. "I can't say what I wanted; I can't face you without crying – God, this hurts, Sev."

"I know," he said sorrowfully. "I wish I could make it stop hurting, Rosie."

"The Pensieve makes things clearer. You didn't say that she'd already been captured and that you were just there to finish up. I don't see what you could have done differently. It was so twisted."

"I thought it best for you to see it," he replied. "And I could have done a lot differently," he added.

"Like what? Like hand yourself in as well? What do you think that would have achieved? You would have died – and then you would never have become a spy. You would never have made up for what you did."

"I know," he said again. "It's sometimes hard to justify what I did using that excuse, though."

"I know," Rosie said.

"So, where – what happens?" asked Severus, shifting in his seat so that he could look at Rosie properly.

"I love you," said Rosie, staring at him. "I still do."

"I sense that there may be a continuation of this sentence," muttered Severus.

"I want to be with you," said Rosie and Severus looked stunned. "I've thought about everything and I still can't believe that you murdered – your own mother," she couldn't quite bring herself to say it. "But after seeing it in the Pensieve, it seems that you had no other alternative. And, besides that, sitting here with you doesn't seem nearly as difficult as I thought it would be."

"So – you're staying here?"

"We're still together, if that's what you mean. This will take me a while to adjust to but – but we'll manage. God, I just feel so heavy."

"I don't want to hurt you again."

"You won't," said Rosie, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I'm frightened that I might," he murmured slowly.

"Hmm?" she said, instinctively grasping his hand. He tightened his hold on her hand.

"I was a Death Eater, Rosie," he sighed.

"Don't I know that," Rosie said wryly. "I just wish that you hadn't been."

"Rosie – I – I'm going to sound pathetic," he finished miserably.

"What?" asked Rosie, looking at him quizzically.

"I'm afraid of you trusting me like this – so completely, so unquestioningly," he said very seriously. "Not many people would want to stay with someone like me – but you do."

"So – wait, you didn't want to tell me in the first place because you thought that you'd lose me – and now that I forgive you, you wish that I would hate you?" replied Rosie, feeling more than slightly angry. "I gave you everything, for God's sake, Severus! I love you! Christ, does that mean nothing to you? The only reason," she paused for a fraction, breathing heavily. "The only damn reason I forgave you was because you've reformed – apparently! What are you telling me? That you're a secret member?"

Severus rolled his eyes angrily. "No! For God's sake, shut up for a second!" Rosie fell silent. "This is what I mean! You say that it means nothing but then as soon as I mention it you seem to think that, for some twisted reason, I've gone back! I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable!" he finished and Rosie knew that he was being genuinely concerned. "I don't want you to live – with me – wondering all the time whether I've gone back."

"You will never, will you?" asked Rosie softly.

He sighed. "Rosie," he said desperately. "It would-" he stopped and looked away. "It doesn't matter."

"What?" asked Rosie gently, feeling that if he wanted to say something at this stage in their conversation, he should probably say it.

"It would cost me everything," he said heavily. "The little trust that I have accumulated, my job, you – my own conscience. Do you honestly think that I could go back? Really? This – what I am doing now – means everything to me."

"And I don't?" asked Rosie. She knew that he hadn't meant that, but she still felt like she had to question him.

"I think you know that that's not true," he said. "The fact that I deem myself unworthy of you does not mean that you mean so little to me. Quite the reverse."

"You're not-"

"Rosie," he said firmly, as though she was one of his students. "This is not the issue at hand."

"I know it isn't," replied Rosie. "You're supposed to be nervously telling me why I shouldn't trust me – and you're supposed to be expecting me to think that the reason I shouldn't trust you has got nothing to do with the Death Eaters," said Rosie sarcastically. "Can you not see why I was slightly apprehensive. You know, don't question me on whether I think you've gone back or not, because I just don't know what to think anymore! I thought that you were my perfect man, my soul mate – whatever you want to call it. And now! Well, now I find that I was completely wrong! I want to believe that you've reformed – and I do -– but it's – hard to move on so soon, as though nothing has happened."

Severus ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter."

"It does!" he cried, looking around at her. "Will you stop saying that it doesn't?"

Rosie was slightly taken aback. "What do you want me to say, then?"

Severus looked at her hard. She looked determinedly back at him, trying to decipher those dark pools of obsidian, trying to understand what it was he was feeling – whether it was irritation, anger or upset – but to no avail. He gave away nothing; he just stared silently and calmly at her.

"What do you want me to say?" she repeated.

"Do you still love me?" asked Severus levelly.

"Of course I do," said Rosie.

"Do you still want to be here – with me? Does it seem realistic to you?"

Rosie sighed and leant back on the sofa. "God knows, I want it to be realistic. I want to give this another chance – more than that," she shook her head, "I want to be with you."

Severus swallowed, looking as though something she had said had hit him hard. "Then – I want you to tell me what I can do – to make it easy for you to live with me."

Rosie looked at him and then said, after a moment's thought, "Don't pretend that I don't know, don't pretend that this hasn't happened – just – I don't know – move on. Just love me."

There was long silence before Severus asked slowly, "Just love you?" He looked at her seriously. "I never stopped."

Rosie's heart skipped a beat.

Author's comments:

Thanks to all those who read, and hopefully this update didn't leave you waiting too long!

Tab-sempai: Thanks for the review! Glad you are still enjoying the story!

An Anti-Sheep Cheese Muffin: Thanks, and have done!

ButterflyOfLothlorien: I will never abandon this fic; it means far too much to me! Life's very hectic at the moment, and I'm also a fairly lazy person, so sometimes updates do come rather later than others. I've pretty much written the story, and am editing it as I go along…believe me, this story has changed so many times since I first starting writing it! Thanks for supporting me over the reviewer as well. Cheers!

Lilegyptiangoddess: Thank you so much! Your review really cheered me up, and I'm glad that I have such an effect on you! It's really great to know that my story has connected with you. I have now looked at your stats, and yes, you do seem to read a lot of stories! I'm glad I'm one of those that you are fond of. You are very welcome to chat with me on MSN. I accidentally let my account become inactive, but as soon as I create a new one, I'll add you. What is your address? Cheers!

Snip-snippet: Well, it's your lucky day…have another hug! Thanks for the review. I'm sorry that sullen-Severus has bored you, and I promise that things will get cheerier. His life has been rather messed around with recently. One more chapter of brooding and then I promise that things get lighter! There's always a bit of a drama around the corner though. I am no where near done with these two! Thanks, snip-snippet!