Hello and welcome to the author's note! This is our my sister's and mine drabble series. The first chapter is what started all this, which is why we posted it as the first chapter. We were very meticulous in our word counts… but, alas, we are all human. The word count before this AN was exactly 32,203 the three being the 'ende' etc but we're sure that we probably made a mistake somewhere. Because this is so long I'll post it in three installments. by the way this author's not is exactly one hundred words as well. No… I am not joking
Darkness, death, it's all I know now. I can't control my own actions. All I can do is follow His orders. Everyday I'm missing more, more of my past, my present. Naraku barely lets me remember my own name.
"Guard him. Do not let him escape."
"Yes Naraku-sama," I answer, helplessly obedient.
I look to my charge. He's bound. He must've fought. I think he's my age…no, younger. If only I remembered my age. I sit down near him. His eyes follow me.
"What's your name?" I can't help asking.
"…Souta," He hesitates, scared. "What's yours?" He's so quiet.
"Kohaku."
He's talking to me. It's not like Rin. He's quiet… shy. He knows the danger he's in. I look over at him; he's closer than I remember.
"Are you cold?" I ask…I can't remember cold.
"Huh?" He blinks at the interruption.
"You keep coming closer to me."
"I'm sorry," he looks away, shivering slightly.
I start a fire. He looks confused but scoots closer to the warmth, thanking me softly. I sit next to him again, my shoulder barely brushing against his. He looks up at me.
I feel sharp pain and hear Naraku's voice. I shouldn't have touched him.
He winced when he touched me, and I bite my lip uncertain of what it might mean. Did I do something wrong? Is he hurt? I can't tell and I'm afraid to ask.
I look away then back again. Gathering my courage I open my mouth and ask, "Are you all right?" My own voice shocks me it's so soft, so quiet. When did I become so timid? But it's so cold here and I'm alone with no idea of what is going to happen to me. I have to give Sis credit; I've no idea how she does this.
I take a deep breath and don't move away. This is my act of defiance. I can handle the pain. I open my eyes, nodding at him.
"I'm fine," I assure him. He seems relieved. I'm not used to the human contact. I think I'm enjoying this. Yes, I can definitely stand pain for this.
"Are you still cold?" I ask, I'm curious. I thought I couldn't remember cold, but perhaps it's warmth that I don't know. I can't tell if the flames are warming my legs. I'd like to know if he's getting warmer. I wonder if he'll answer.
I can tell that he's lying, but it's only a little white one, to make me feel better. So I relax and give him a shy hesitant smile. I can't help wondering if he's only being nice to me because he's trying to keep me off balance… but I don't think that I care if he is. He's been the only one to show me kindness since I was dragged here.
He asks me if I'm still cold, and I shrug, "Only a little, the fire is helping," and so are you, I think it but I don't speak it.
"I'm glad," I tell him, looking into the flames. I think I tried to smile, but I can't remember how. I don't understand. Why do I seem to notice the holes in my memory around him? It makes me want to get away, to find the girl whose face I can almost remember. It makes me want to lean on his shoulder. Another pain…Naraku is monitoring my thoughts. I keep myself from wincing this time, not wanting to worry him for some reason. I do what I usually do and blank my thoughts, but it's harder with this Souta here.
I can feel him tense slightly again. I look over at him and his eyes are horribly blank. I reach out to touch him and barely keep myself from doing so as I realize what that look might mean. That's what he looked like before. With Him. I bite my lip and let my hand drop still looking at him. He didn't want me to notice but I did and now I feel bad… I want to reach out to him but I don't know if I should… does he want to be reached, or should I keep my distance?
I try not to look at him, but he seems so concerned. I must look odd, the light dead in my eyes. He breaks my concentration. I can't blame him. He must be scared. I blink my eyes, looking at him.
"I'm sorry," I tell him, "I didn't mean to scare you. My master is listening." I look to one side, lifting one knee to my chest and resting my arm on it. I wonder if he wanted to touch me. I scoot closer to him, reveling in the human contact. I'm careful to keep the movement from my thoughts.
"Oh," is all that I can manage. His master he says, and I know that he doesn't mean his employer. He means something older and much less pleasant. He moves closer to me and I unthinkingly shift toward him. I'm not sure if he's actually radiating warmth or if there's just something about his presence that makes it seem as if he is.
The nights are so cold here and I'm so hungry. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, and that was three fights, two days and a kidnapping ago. I wonder if Sis and Inuyasha are looking for me.
Naraku orders me to eat silently and I feel his presence leave my mind. He must have better things to attend to. I let myself relax slightly and lean further against him.
"Are you hungry?" I ask him, feeling so much more at ease without the plague of Naraku in my mind. My eyes wander back to him of their own accord. His eyes are blue and I don't know why I notice, but they are. They are such a soft blue and they remind me of the girl's, a different color, but the same softness. I like watching him…
Peering at him through my lashes I nod, "Yeah," I say and my voice is still so soft, so quiet.
This was supposed to be fun. It was supposed to just be a nice picnic and then maybe (if nothing untoward happened) I could stay the night and hang out with everyone. I had to beg Mom for months before she agreed, and convincing Sis was almost as difficult. But it was worth it. I had so much fun and then we were heading back to the well… I just wanted to pick some flowers to bring back to Mom…
"They're bland but they'll fill your stomach." I pull the onigiri from my pocket and hand him two of them. I'm curious why he doesn't mind me leaning on him and I realize that he's leaning against me as well. I take a bite from the rice ball…it's still fresh. Did I replace them or did someone else? When was the last time I ate? Why do I bother trying to remember? It doesn't matter…He will wipe my mind again at some point…Will I forget Souta? Does that thought make me sad? I can't tell, I don't remember sadness either.
"Thank you," I say quietly and accept them. Curling further in on myself, I nibble on one of them, a little worried about how bad they might taste. Silly when it's the only food being offered, I know, but it's the habit of a lifetime and those are hard to break.
The sun is completely gone now and the wind has picked up. It's getting cold again. I wonder if there are any blankets… even just a jacket would help… mine got lost somewhere along the way… I can't quite remember when… I shiver thinking sadly, Happy Birthday to me…
I see him shiver as I finish my onigiri. I have been told many times to eat quickly or be hungry. I'm glad Naraku and Kagura don't know I no longer feel hunger. I don't want him to be cold. I stand up, going to retrieve the blanket in the corner. Moving away from him I suddenly remember cold. I shiver slightly, uncontrollably. I take the blanket and wrap it around his shoulders from behind. I sit next to him again, leaning slightly against him, though not as much as I was earlier. I'm cold. I try not to shiver.
When he gets up and leaves I feel a cold thread of fear shiver down my spine. Feeling a blanket wrapped around me I look up at him in surprise. My eyes follow him as he sits next to me. I feel him shiver and I speak, "We can share," I offer, voice still so soft and unlike it's normal self. I can't help wondering if it will ever reach it's normal levels again.
I wait patiently for an answer. I've noticed that sometimes he needs time to process… as if he is translating my words from a foreign language.
I look at him, confused. Share? I wonder then turn slightly. The blanket? I see. I must have shivered. I quickly check for Naraku's presence and find his attention elsewhere.
"Okay," I say wondering why I sound so hesitant…wait I know why…I don't want Souta punished because of me. I want…I want to protect him. Why's that? I don't know him and I don't know why he's here…but I do. He's nice, it's been so very long since anyone cared to be nice to me.
I wait for him to offer the blanket, not wanting to move and frighten him.
I smile shyly at him and offer half the blanket. Shyly? Why do I feel shy? This is so strange and confusing. You're not supposed to like your jailor… but he's so… I stomp that thought before it can fully form, not wanting to face it, not right now. He takes the blanket from me and I scoot closer to him, to share what little warmth I have. I feel my face flush slightly and I turn it away, hoping that he won't notice. I know that I have a tendency for bad timing, but really this is just ridiculous…
I wrap the blanket around myself, needing to press my leg and shoulder closer to keep the cold out. He's shy…at least I think that he is. I don't think he's afraid of me. I know he's afraid, but of me? I don't want him to be afraid of me. I notice him moving his wrists in his restraints.
"I'll take off the rope if you don't hit me. That would draw his attention." I offer quietly, making sure to give the warning, knowing he wanted to get away. I hope he doesn't struggle. I don't want to hurt him.
Hit him? What a laughable thought. Before this I thought I was reasonably fit. I play soccer, run, hell I even work out… but compared to him I feel a bit like a rag doll… he lifted me and then ran while carrying me, I know that I couldn't do that, not for the distance that he did. It's a bit of a blow to my pride I admit, but I can't help being honest with myself.
"Thank you," I whisper, holding my bound hands up to him. I bite my lip, feeling the ropes rub unpleasantly against tender skin.
I undo the knot with ease. Kagura was the one that tied him up. I can't help wondering if he landed a hit after I left. I let him rub his wrists leaning against him once again. I still hope he doesn't decide to struggle.
"Is that better?" I can't help my curiosity. Perhaps I want him to talk to me more. Knowing he's actually talking to me pleases me I think. Kagura and Kanna do not speak to me. Only Naraku speaks to me directly. It's…pleasant to listen to something other than an order. I hope he speaks more.
"Yes, thank you," I know that I am repeating myself but I can't help it. Politeness has been instilled in me from birth and it's a defense in times of stress and uncertainty. "I'm grateful for your kindness," I add quietly and immediately wish I hadn't. I let my head fall against his shoulder sighing almost silently in chagrin. I hope that didn't upset him. He's so quiet and still, maybe that's what he prefers. "My apologies, I'll be quiet now," I say softly, without thinking, then silently cursing my big mouth. Why can't I ever just keep it shut?
"No…I'm not used to being spoken to…it's nice, though I don't have much to say in return," why am I telling him this. I'm going to get us both in trouble…but it's too late, I've already said it. Naraku is occupied with something. We're safe for now. Perhaps I'm trying to enjoy this while it lasts. I wonder if I'm blushing after that last comment, can I even remember how to blush. I find I'm staring again, why do I keep looking at him? His bangs fall into his face and I brush them back, fingertips barely touching his forehead.
I look up, startled by the touch, and I know that a blush is staining my cheeks. He's staring back at me and I wonder if he's blushing or if it's just the reflection from the firelight… I can't tell and I'm not sure I want to. What would it mean if he were? He's so close and warm and he's been so nice… I feel my blush darken and I have to look away from the intensity in his eyes.
Sis always tells me not to give anything away to the enemy but… "It's my birthday," I whisper softly.
I blink in surprise. His birthday? He sounds so sad and I feel somehow responsible.
"I'm sorry," is all I can think to say. It does not seem like enough. "This is a terrible place to be on your birthday." I add quietly. He looks…pretty like this. Blushing in the firelight. I want to touch him but I don't want to scare him. My hand reaches out of its own accord and I divert it to rest on his shoulder instead of touching his face. I'm still staring. I hope I'm not making him uncomfortable. I just can't look away.
"At least I'm warm," I reply, looking up at him through my lashes. I can feel my lips curve into a small smile when he touches my shoulder. I shrug slightly and I feel his hand move with my shoulder.
He's still staring and it's doing strange things to me… my heart is racing and I swear my stomach is full of butterflies… it's exhilarating… and so not supposed to be happening…
I feel myself blushing again and I lower my head back onto his shoulder. Closing my eyes, I lean into his warmth and let myself relax against him.
I feel him lean against me and I move my hand to his other shoulder, trying to make it more comfortable for both of us. He's warm…that's good. I think I'm warm too. I resist the urge to touch his hair, not wanting to push limits. I'm not sure if they're his limits or mine or even Naraku's, but I fear the consequences of my actions…for both of us. Fear is something I remember. I live with it everyday. I can't forget fear.
"I'm glad for that." I tell him softly. I hesitate then rest my head slightly on his.
He leans his head against mine and I shiver slightly, though I'm not completely sure why… maybe because the small movement causes me to notice his scent… He smells like wood-smoke, the forest that surrounds us and something else… some subtle smell that's maybe just him.
I sigh softly at my wandering mind, how the hell can I be thinking about things like that when I have no idea what is going to happen to me? I can't even be sure that I'll ever make it back home again and yet I'm feeling all fluttery about him, my jailor… Kohaku…
I see him shiver but I don't think it's a bad thing. I feel like shivering too even though I can't remember ever being this warm. He smells like grass and something else, something foreign that I can't distinguish. It makes me comfortable and yet shivery at the same time. I don't understand and I am sure that this won't be allowed. I find myself paranoid of every sound, fearing that it will be Naraku-sama. I should be able to sense him coming. This fear is irrational. Nonetheless, I tighten my grip on Souta's shoulder slightly, careful not to hurt.
His grip tightens on my shoulder and I press closer without thinking. I have so many questions running through my brain I wonder if he'll answer me if I voice them… Well only one way to find out…
"What's going to happen to me?" I ask him and my voice is so soft and hesitant that I almost don't hear myself over the pounding of my heart... did he even hear me?
I wonder if it's fear of the answer and the situation or the exhilaration of having him near me that's causing it to beat so fast and loud…
"Inuyasha will come for you. That is my lord's goal…If Naraku-sama defeats Inuyasha I do not know what will happen to you." I say feeling sad at that prospect. My programming will not allow me to mention the possibility that Naraku will lose the battle, though that seems the more likely out come. I can feel his heart pounding through a vein in his shoulder more than that I can actually hear it. I didn't realize I was listening that closely. Was he frightened to hear my answer or was it something else? I want to ask but I shouldn't.
"So I'm just bait, then," I reply and somehow my voice is calm, accepting. I'm not sure if I feel bitter or relieved about that fact. I suppose it doesn't really matter how I feel, it's just the way that it is…
I want to press closer but I don't think that I should… though I am tired and it would be so easy to just wrap myself around him and fall asleep… I know that I won't but I can't help wondering how it would feel, and if he would hold me or if he would push me away…
"Are you tired?" I ask, Naraku has ordered me to sleep and I can't help wondering if he's tired too. I look to one side. "You can sleep on me if you'd like." I offer quietly, "I wouldn't want you to get cold." I don't know if he'll accept but somehow I feel better for offering. I'm not even sure how we'd arrange ourselves. I think…that I want him to accept…I like having his weight against my side. I like feeling warmth again. Souta isn't likely to escape anyway. I'm guarding merely for the possibility that Inuyasha tachi will arrive.
"Um, yeah… ok, sure that sounds, uh, good," I reply feeling myself blush, "I don't want me to be cold either," I say offering him a shy smile. I'm looking at him through my lashes and I wonder suddenly what I must look like to him… blushing, shy and closer to pretty than handsome… I must look and seem like such a girl… With a faint sigh I look down and away, someone like him wouldn't be interested in someone that has acted as much like a wuss as I have. I swear I must have the worst luck ever.
I nod and wrap my arm a bit closer around him and lay back with him. I move very carefully, so not to upset him, and I pull the blanket over us.
"You're very brave Souta…" I inform him. I worry that he didn't know that. He has been very calm…all things considered. I can't remember if I was that brave. I rub his shoulder slightly and then stop. When was the last time I truly slept? I don't think I ever have…but how long is 'ever'? Did I used to sleep before the last time Naraku buried my memories?
I snort softly at the obvious lie and don't bother trying to reply. Great, I've acted so pathetic that he thinks I need a pep talk. That's just bloody wonderful. Feeling tears of shame sting my eyes I close them, and rest my head on his shoulder; I don't want him to see, he'll just think even less of me… though I'm not entirely sure that's possible when he obviously doesn't think much of me to begin with. Swallowing the urge to cry, I huddle against him, trying to find the warmth that seems to have disappeared with his words.
"You must've tried to fight Kagura…I recognized the knot on your restraints. I can't remember if I tried to do something like that." I'm curious about his snort, but there's more I need him to know, "It's nice…having someone to talk to… I'm sorry. I must seem ridiculous." I stop myself from saying anymore and rub his shoulder again. "I can't remember the last time I had a conversation…I don't remember much of anything…thank you." I add quietly…sincerely. I suddenly wonder what he thinks of me and I'm not even sure why. Do I enjoy the sound of his voice?
"At least I'm good for something," I say and laugh softly. I wonder if he hears the bitter undertone that I taste as it leaves my lips. I don't mean for it to be there but I can't help feeling it. I've been kidnapped, taken from everything that I know and love, and now here I am with a gorgeous (and apparently damaged) guy who thinks that I'm so weak I need him to tell me how brave and useful I am being. Though my usefulness only extends to being someone to talk to. God, can life get any worse?
I hear the bitterness in his tone and I feel a pang in my chest. "I'm sorry…I will stop." I feel like I'm petting his shoulder. I wonder if he minds…I do something strange. I bite my lip. I find the habit odd but strangely comforting. "I'm just not used to being treated…like…a human…" I whisper softly and I do not know if he can even hear me. I've been instructed to speak softly but clearly…I can't get my voice to work and all I know is I wish that bitter tone were gone. I don't understand…am I supposed to?
I wince internally at his tone and it's only then that I realize that he has been practically petting my shoulder this entire time. I lift my head to look at him feeling confused, "I don't understand," I tell him but there are so many things that I don't understand that all I can do is stare at him helplessly, unsure of what else I want to say. I lick my lips and try again, "What are you going to stop?" I ask finally, feeling like an idiot for picking that but it was the first that came to mind.
"I," I fumble swallowing, "I'll stop talking…I suppose. I don't know what I'll stop…whatever you want me to as long as I don't disobey my master." I can't help adding the last…It upsets me somehow. I don't like being a puppet, but that's all I am. "I just…" I stop. Closing my mouth and just watching him. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't understand…it takes me a moment to realize that I had said that aloud. "I don't know what to say. You make me think strange things. About things…I can't remember." I try to clarify.
"Strange things?" I can't help asking as curiosity gets the better of me, "What kind of strange things?" I know that it's not going to be anything like what I want it to be, but maybe it'll at least be something nice. Please don't stop talking, I think at him, I want to hear your voice… as long as you're talking to me things don't seem as bad as I know they are. I reposition my arm so that I can lean my head on my hand, looking at him while I wait for him to think of an answer.
"Things I can't remember…make me want to remember. I can only remember serving my master. You make me want more than that." I offer, voice soft, hoping my explanation makes sense. I feel awkward. I'm almost sure that my face is flushed. My worry is settling in again and I'm alert for Naraku's presence. These 'strange things' could get Souta killed…I don't want that, but it seems he wants me to keep talking. I can't bring myself to refuse. Not when he looks at me like that. My stomach feels strange…fluttery. I've never felt this before. I like this feeling.
I frown faintly and scoot a little closer trying to get a better look at his expressions. Leaning over, I peer down at him, "You say that as if it's a bad thing. Should I apologize?" I ask feeling a bit worried that I had done something wrong.
Licking my lips, I notice that he's a bit pink in the cheeks. My stomach does a flip-flop when I see this. Could he possibly… No, I tell myself sternly, don't even think it he's too strong to be interested in a weakling like you. He's probably just uncomfortable being so close.
As he scoots closer my hand slides down his arm until my arm is across his back. I unconsciously pull him closer still. "You've no need to apologize. It's not a bad thing. It just worries me…and confuses me." I…like this. Yes 'like'. That was the word I wanted. I like being treated as a person…a human. I like talking…I like Souta. My enjoyment of his company grows with each new question he asks. I hope my speaking is putting him at ease. I seem as a welcome distraction from his imprisonment. I find I'm more than willing to distract.
I can feel myself trying to blush again as I feel him pull me close with the arm that is now across my lower back. When did it get there? God, what was he saying? There was something important I wanted to ask… oh, right, "Worries you? What are you worried about?" I need to know because if something has him worried it's probably something bad. So warm and so close… dammit Souta, stay focused. Just because he's gorgeous, doesn't mean that you can so completely let your guard down. What would Sis think if she saw me like this?
"Naraku-sama doesn't want me to remember things." Again my hand reaches out on it's own to brush hair from his face. I like being able to see his eyes. I'm paying more attention so I can tell just how soft his hair is. I want to touch it more. I can't do that.
"I hope that I don't forget you." I can't look away from his eyes. My hand is still near his face. I feel his hair tickle the back of my fingers. I think I might be smiling. I get the feeling that smiling makes people feel better.
He's smiling and I have to resist the urge to press my hand to my chest to see if my heart is still beating because I swear it just stopped… Yes, I know how corny that sounds even to myself, but… he looks so different when he smiles… Right he's talking, I should reply… god, what did he say? …Um, "I hope that you don't either," I say softly and my head is resting against his hand before I even notice that I'm moving, "but even if you're made to forget about me, I know that I'll never forget you."
My face is hot; this must be blushing. "Thank you…" I'm still smiling. I didn't think I could, but this is real. The thought of Naraku getting a hold over Souta is becoming more and more terrifying and I want to protect him… even from myself if I have to. I swallow hard, considering the impact of my next words. "If my eyes go blank and I make any hostile action toward you, I want you to try fighting me. Try and get away. When I'm like that I often can't control my actions. I don't want to hurt you."
I close my eyes, I don't want to hear things like this… but… it's obviously important to him, so… "Alright," I whisper, acceding to his request reluctantly. I don't want to fight him, but it's not really him if he's not in control of himself, is it? And could I live with myself if I just let someone hurt me without trying to fight back? Not a chance. I give him another small smile and open my eyes enough to be able to see him through my lashes, "Thank you, for warning me and telling me what to watch for."
"You're welcome." I can almost see his eyes. I wonder if he notices my blush. "I'm sorry if I frightened you. I know you were enjoying the distraction from your situation. I was as well. Perhaps we could go back to talking." My hand is still against his cheek and I have no urge to move it. His skin is soft and warm. I glad to feel how warm his face is. It's good to know that he wasn't lying when he said he was warmer. I can't resist rubbing my thumb slightly over his cheek. What's gotten into me?
I can feel my eyelids flutter as he strokes my cheek, and I wish that I could stop them, it's embarrassing… such a girly reaction… but… his touch is so gentle… I close my eyes to still them and rest against his hand more fully.
"Any idea what you want to talk about?" I ask him, opening my eyes to look at him, still smiling. "Or do you just want to talk about whatever comes to mind?" I want to reach out and touch him but I'm not sure if that's allowed and I don't want to ruin this moment.
"Whatever you wish to talk about is fine." I nod slightly, never taking my eyes from his. My smile comes to stay at being able to see his eyes and I continue stroking his cheek gently. I love the texture of his skin. My stomach flutters. I shouldn't be touching him like this but I can't stop myself…and he's not complaining. Does he mind that I'm doing this? Does he want to touch me? I want to ask but I really shouldn't. I hope Naraku only punishes me. Again the fear that Naraku will harm him grips at my heart.
I lick my lips nervously and I lift my hand to brush his bangs out of his eyes. He doesn't look away from my eyes the entire time and I swear that my heart is going to burst it's beating so fast. I let my fingers ghost over the curve of his cheek before bringing my hand back to my side, and I just know that I am blushing again. Desperately I wish that I could look away from his dark eyes and yet… I've no desire to do any such thing… this is so confusing. "Are you ever lonely?"
My heart skipped a beat when he touched me. "Lonely? I suppose I must be, but I've been alone for so long that I don't really think about it anymore…I am enjoying your company. Even though I shouldn't be." I don't know why I feel this way. But my heart keeps pounding. My fingers gently trail over his blush.
I can sense Naraku's attention focus on something coming toward us and my eyes leave Souta's, focusing on the door. Is it them? Have they come to rescue Souta? How can that make me sad and happy at the same time?
His eyes shift and I know that he's looking at the door. "Is someone coming?" I ask, keeping my tone neutral. I'm not sure if I am ready for someone to be coming. There's something that could be precious trying to grow between us but right now it's so very fragile and I don't want it to die… I don't want to leave him… This is so unfair… They'll rescue me and make me go home, I'll never get the chance to see him again. Reaching over again I rest my hand on his cheek. I'm not ready to go…
Naraku's voice tells me to keep Souta where he is. It's so loud…angry. I know that it must be the Inuyasha Tachi. "They've come for you." I inform softly. I'm forced to pull my weapon to me from across the room. "I've been ordered to keep you here. I'm sorry, but I will have to fight them." I don't remove my hand and I move my eyes back to his. My kusari-gama is in my other hand. I hold it far away from him. I don't want to touch him with it. It's too stained. Are my hands stained too?
"I know," I whisper, eyes flicking to his weapon then back to his face. "I wish that you didn't," I whisper in a breathless rush, and I close my eyes, embarrassed by my own naivety.
"What should I do?" I ask feeling my cheeks heat with a blush. I don't want to ask that, it makes me feel stupid… but I had to do something, had to change the subject… god that's such a stupid thing to say to him. I'm sure that he doesn't want to fight them either, but what choice does he have with Naraku controlling him?
"Stay close," it comes out sounding more like a request than an instruction. I shift, sitting up and wrapping my arm around his back again. The chain on my weapon jingles as I move. I don't understand. Why hasn't Naraku taken over? Is he really so distracted that he can't even control his…puppet.
"I hate being a puppet." Yes hatred…I remember how that feels. The door is broken down and we can see the battle going on outside. I recognize the people…the girl. The one I always remember. One of them sees us, the small one, a kitsune. He yells.
I look up at him at those last words, and hear the door break down as if it were somewhere else, somewhere distant… He stands up and I go with him, unwilling to pull away from the arm still wrapped around me. "Then don't be," I tell him, surprising myself. I didn't mean to say that, I can't even remember thinking it. But I mean it and when I look at his eyes they aren't blank. "Please, Kohaku," I whisper, unable to take my eyes away from his face, and even I'm not sure what I am asking him for.
I swallow and consider his words. "I'll try," I pick him up bridal style and jump into the fray. I'm running while I have the chance. This is the least I can do for him. I can get him back to his friends. I will not let my temporary freedom be squandered following Naraku's orders. I hadn't realized just how inhuman my strength had gotten. I'm not even breathing hard. I need to make it to the tree line. I see the other girl there, the priestess. The Kitsune is running along side us and he jumps up on Souta.
When Shippo lands on my stomach, I finally remember that the others are there… to save me… I tighten the arm around Kohaku's neck. I don't want to let go but I look over and realize that he's taking me to Kagome… I think that I hear myself tell Shippo that I'm ok, and I'm almost certain that it's in response to his buzzing babble… but only a very small part of me is focused on him, the rest is focused on Kohaku. Don't leave me, I beg him silently, looking up at his face trying to see his eyes.
I glance down at him and find him looking at me. I smile for him, briefly, and turn my eyes back ahead of me. It's dangerous to run while I look at him. He's very distracting. As is his weight pressed against my chest. I'm almost there. None of the others have tried stopping me…I'm not even sure they've seen me. They wouldn't…Naraku in particular…expect me to run. I'm his most loyal servant next to Kanna. I can see her face now…the miko. She's seen me…so has the other girl, the demon slayer on the back of the great cat.
We're almost to Kagome and I don't want to be here, I want to tell him to keep running and to take me with him. The thought of watching him leave me behind, of watching him go back to his servitude, is almost more than I can bear. I press closer to him refusing to look where we're going. I want to memorize his features while I can, the rest of the world will take care of itself for now. All I want is to be able to stay with him and it's the one thing that I can't have.
We're here and the kitsune jumps off of Souta and onto the miko. I stop running and stare at the miko, wide-eyed. My arms tighten around Souta…I can't put him down. I can't leave him. Naraku's noticed me. I fall to my knees from the pain of my punishment. Still holding Souta tightly against me. I cry out softly in pain. Inuyasha and the monk manage to divert his attention. I double over, panting. My eyes are tightly closed and I pray that they won't try to take Souta away from me. I thought I'd given up praying long ago.
Don't leave me, I think closing my eyes and I have to wonder if maybe I spoke aloud because we've stopped and his arms are still around me… he's holding me so tightly and I can't think of anywhere else that I would rather be. He falls to his knees and cries out and all I can think to do is cling to him. Don't let go, I pray though I haven't had faith in anything for years. I lean my head against his and pet the parts of him under my hands soothingly… Please be ok… Please don't leave…
He's touching me, trying to comfort me and it's helping. My world is slowly shifting from pure agony to pure Souta. I feel somehow distanced from Naraku…all I can hope for is Inuyasha's victory. If he greatly injures Naraku I will be free for a short time. A time I can spend with Souta. I catch my breath and offer him a weak smile, opening my eyes and feeling the tears held back by my eyelids slip down my cheeks. I look at him finding solace in concerned blue eyes. I don't ever want to look away from those eyes.
His eyes are open but they're filled with such pain… I don't know what to do, so I smile at him and lift one of my hands to brush away the tears that have fallen down his cheeks. I look to the battle then back to him and somehow my hand is still on his face, I can't seem to move it… but I don't really want to, "I think Inuyasha is winning," I whisper, looking back at him and lightly stroking my thumb across his cheek. "Hang on, Kohaku, just a little longer, and it'll be ok… I hope…"
I nod slightly, unable to manage much more. I can feel the three members of the Inuyasha Tachi staring at us, but I don't care. I pet his shoulder, clinging to him and leaning against his hand. The pain ebbs away as I relax slightly. I can breathe again. "Thank you," I whisper, leaning into him. Naraku's presence fades further…I think he's retreating. The pain abruptly disappears and I almost fall onto Souta. My grip loosens and he almost slides from my grasp. He ends up almost sitting in my lap and the stares from the others seem to intensify.
Heedless of the others staring I settle in his lap, and hold him up, "Are you alright?" I ask him quietly, one hand petting his hair. Naraku is gone and he's still here… I'm not sure what's going on or what it means but… I'm grateful. I lean my head against his, "You're still here," I breathe, voice barely audible, you stayed, I don't know how or why but you're still here, I think at him, and I am more thankful than I have words for. Now I only have one question, how long will you stay here? With me…
"I'm better now." I whisper grateful for him holding me up. "Is he gone?" I ask feeling weak and dizzy. I feel the pain in my leg and I'm bleeding. I don't know when I got hit, but it explains the dizziness. My vision is getting dark and it's getting harder to focus on Souta. My head is throbbing. "Souta…I can't see…" I whisper, leaning more heavily against him. My arms fall limp and Naraku's presence completely fades from my mind. I relax completely falling forward onto Souta. I can't stay awake. The world goes black and I lose consciousness.
He goes limp in my arms and I think that he's passed out… but why? "Kohaku?" I ask, trying to wake him, "Kohaku?" I look over at Kagome, and I know that my eyes are wide with the beginning's of panic, "Please, help him," I ask her and I know that there's a note of pleading in my voice. I get off his lap and move myself behind him, supporting him.
I finally notice that everyone is staring at me… at him… at us?… I can feel myself glaring at them defensively, what's their problem? He hasn't done anything wrong.
I am the first to recover and I run forward to them. I kneel down and pull Kohaku's leg out from under him, seeing the blood. I ask Kagome for the supplies to dress my brother's wounds and it seems to startle her out of her shock. I bandage the leg tightly. It's broken…but I can remember him running on it. He shouldn't have been able to.
This is my brother…my brother is here. He's free…at least for now. I can't believe he's here. How tall he is…why do sisters always notice that first? How much bigger they have gotten.
Watching Sango approach, I tighten my hold on Kohaku… I know that she's his sister but… she can't have him either… God, what the hell am I thinking? He's not mine, I don't have any claim to him… but… they couldn't help him get away… I did… sort of… shouldn't that mean something? I lean my head against his shoulder, letting my hair hide my face as I realize that what I want is to mean something… to him… I sigh, biting my lip as I realize my folly… why would someone like him want anything to do with me?
I see Souta hide his face in my brother's shoulder and I wonder how this happened…was it a fluke of luck or was it just Souta. I'm getting the feeling that it had more to do with Souta though. I finish dressing Kohaku's wound and briefly place a hand on Souta's head. "Thank you," I whisper and let my hand drop. An injured Inuyasha tells us that we should leave and go back to the village. Miroku is hovering nearby and I almost think he's more worried about me than Kohaku. Kirara nudges my leg before moving back to transform.
Back to the village? Oh, God… as soon as we get there, they're going to make me leave… they're going to send me back… I just know that they won't even let me wait until you wake up… won't give me a chance to say good-bye… I'm just a liability to them… I'm so fucking useless… I do as I'm told and the entire trip back to the village is spent in a fog, the only break is my refusal to let go of Kohaku… They're going to make me go home, no matter what I want so screw it…
"I know that you want to send him home Kagome but we can't. He's the only one that has ever gotten through to anyone who's being controlled by Naraku and he's our only connection to Kohaku now." I tell her, my hand on her shoulder…I hope she doesn't hate me.
I hear the sound of breathing near me and I stir, trying to open my eyes. "Souta?" I ask, blinking my eyes open and investigating the room. I can't seem to focus on anything and the light is making my head throb. I can't tell if it's Souta who's breathing.
Hearing my name I swim my way back to consciousness. I frown, when did I fall asleep? Rubbing my eyes I sit up and blink, trying to figure out where I am. Remembrance rushes back, nearly overwhelming and I realize that Kohaku was the one who said my name. Heart suddenly racing I lean over him and look down at his face, "Kohaku? How are you feeling?" I ask and my hand is touching his face before I have a chance to realize what it's doing, and try to stop it… though I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't have anyway.
"My head hurts," I say quietly, happy that it was really Souta. I reach up putting my hand over his on my face. I close my eyes again, not liking blurriness. "Where are we?" I ask, wondering if it's Souta's lap that my head it resting on. I feel my leg throb and I reach down with my other hand and find it bandaged. I move my hand back to rest across my stomach. I rub my thumb over Souta's hand and I don't know why. I can't sense Naraku but the lack of celebration indicates that he's still alive.
He touches my hand and even that tiny contact has my stomach fluttering. "We're in Kaede's house," I inform him frowning slightly. Being careful to not jar him, I shift so I can look at him more comfortably. "Is there something wrong with your eyes, or is it just sensitivity to light because your head hurts?" I ask, concerned. I stroke his cheek with my thumb determined to enjoy every moment with Kohaku that I get, because eventually Sis will override the objections and send me packing. She knows how worthless I am, that's why she never wants me around.
"Everything is blurry." I lean into his touch. His hands are soft, not like mine. Mine are rough, callused. I don't understand why he makes me think about these things, but it's much better than other things. I'm glad he's safe, though I don't know how long I will be. Naraku will not be pleased with my betrayal. I can only hope that he doesn't get a hold of Souta. When did I become so concerned for his safety? I can't stand the thought of Naraku hurting Souta, perhaps it's because I know what kind of pain Naraku can inflict.
"Blurry? That's not good," I say then sigh at the utter idiocy of my own statement. Of course it's not good, he knows that but hey way to go with the stating of the obvious. Good job reinforcing the belief that you're a complete and utter idiot. Taking a breath I ask, "Uhm, do you want me to get one of the others? To see if they might know what's wrong?" I swallow and realize that my voice has retreated again, leaving behind a soft hesitant version of its self. I'm such a fool, I think sadly closing my eyes.
"No…just stay with me for a while?" I ask, holding his hand in mine. He's gotten quiet again and I barely got to hear what his real voice is like. I pet his hand at the loss. I want to see his eyes, but I'm not willing to risk the headache. I hope he stays; I'm not ready to deal with the others yet. They're my enemies, though I don't want them to be. I don't expect them to trust me over night…or to trust me at all. I'm dangerous. I shouldn't be here…but I don't want to leave him.
I blink my eyes open in surprise at him, though he doesn't see. "As you like," I whisper, feeling myself blush… He actually asked for me to stay with him… could he… could he really want me around? I shake my head at the improbability of that thought. Of course he doesn't, not me specifically… it's just because I'm here and he doesn't want to jar his head by moving. Yeah, that makes much more sense than him actually wanting me around. I close my eyes against the sting of tears that thought brings, no matter how reasonable it is.
I move slightly and feel pain shoot through my leg. "Ow…is my leg broken?" I ask hoping to at least keep him here long enough to answer my question. I lick my lips and lace my fingers with his. Is that okay? Am I allowed to do this? I'm not…but I'm still doing it. I run my thumb over the back of his hand. My other hand moves up and rests on his leg. I'm trying to anchor myself to him. I don't want him to leave me. I don't know what I'm doing or why I feel this way.
"That's what Sango said," I tell him, voice calm though I am staring in shock at our interlaced fingers. He's almost… clinging to me… maybe he… I start to think then stop myself as the obvious hits me… oh, of course, he doesn't want me to move and bump his head around. "You don't have to worry, I won't move. You should relax," I tell him, my voice is whisper soft and I am not even sure that he can hear me. Not that it really matters; no one ever bothers to listen to me when they can hear me.
"You can move," I tell him, realizing what he was thinking. "I just don't want you to leave me." My voice is quiet. I hold tighter onto his hand. I don't want to go back to Naraku. I want to be here, with Souta. He's so warm… soft. I'm so afraid that he'll leave and get the others. I…I can't face them, not with the things I've done to them…the things I've witnessed… the strategies I've been made to plan. Naraku discovered somewhere along the way that I was an excellent strategist. But I haven't done those things to Souta.
My heart stutters and I have to take myself to task. Don't get any ideas idiot, I tell myself, he doesn't mean it like it sounds. You're the only one he knows, and you're too weak to be a threat, so of course he'd rather that only you are around him. "I won't," I promise quietly. I know it's not me he wants, not really, but… a guy can dream, can't he? I feel myself blushing at my stupidity… later he's just going to tell me that I need to stay away from him, that it's for my own good.
"You shouldn't be near me, but I don't want to let you go…" I whisper. Barely even noticing that I was speaking aloud until I'm done. I move my hand on his leg, almost petting. I don't know why I'm doing this, but it's me doing it. Only me. Not Naraku. I want to be here… that's a good feeling. Souta feels good too. I think I like his name… the way it tastes on my tongue. "Souta…" I say, just enjoying the name. I hope he doesn't mind my touching him… I just can't stop. I don't want to.
He's petting my leg… I swear my head's going to explode I'm blushing so hard… I want to ask what he's doing, but I don't want to make him angry so I keep my mouth shut about it. Using my free hand, I brush his hair back out of his face. "A-are you th-thirsty?" I ask quietly, wincing slightly as my voice stutters. I grab my bottle of water, suddenly needing a drink myself as my mouth has gone completely dry. "I have some water… it's not very cold, but it's wet…" I trail off shrugging, feeling like an idiot.
I test my eyes and smile up at him when I find my vision has cleared. "Water would be nice," I tell him and I actually feel thirsty. I see the container in his hand and am distracted by it…I've never seen anything like it. It looks like glass but it couldn't possibly be. "What manner of container is that?" I can't help asking, looking back to him, knowing I must look confused. I consider touching it but decide that I enjoy touching Souta more. Whatever it is it probably isn't as soft as Souta. I continue petting his leg.
"Huh?" I ask, momentarily confused. "Oh, this is a plastic bottle…" I smile at him, "Hey you're eyes are open. Is the blurriness better? Does your head still hurt?" My smile turns sheepish as I realize how fast I'm talking, "Sorry," I say still smiling. Reaching over I smooth his hair away from his face, "That was probably too much too fast. Can you sit up? It would make the drinking of the water much easier." My hand is still in his hair, petting it; I can't seem to make myself stop touching him, and I don't really want to…
I slide up into a sitting position, using Souta's leg as leverage. "My head is much better with your hand in my hair like that." I comment, smiling softly. It really is helping. "Plastic? I'm not familiar with that material." I'm not really as interested in the bottle as I am in Souta, but it is something to talk about. My fingers are still twined with his. I squeeze his hand a bit. My movement jarred my leg but I keep myself from wincing, or even tensing. I like Souta's hand in my hair. I like Souta's hands on me.
"Not surprising. Oh!" I exclaim, reaching over and grabbing a bottle of ibuprofen and shaking one out. "Um, here take this, it'll help with the pain," I say, holding it out to him with a smile. I lean my head forward to rest against his briefly, then pull back and look up at him, "Can I get you anything else?" I ask him, reaching up and running my fingers through his hair. He… he actually seems to want me to be touching him… he seems to like it… I shiver lightly at the thought… maybe he might actually want me…
I study the small round… thing in my hand… I think it's medicine. I put it in my mouth, taking the water and swallowing. I blink at the odd flavor. "If that'll take care of the pain then you have given me plenty." I smile at him lifting my hand from his leg to stroke his cheek. I can't stop touching him… I never want to. I distantly feel Naraku's presence flicker to life. He won't try to notice me until he recovers. His wounds must be grave… It will take him some time to recover. Souta's safe for now.
I can feel myself blushing again. He's looking, no not looking he's staring at me… I don't know why, but it's… nice. It's nice to have someone looking at me like that… even if I'm not entirely sure what it means. "Are you sure there's nothing else that you want?" I want to scoot closer, I want to press against him and curl around his warmth. I blush even harder and have to look away… I wish I dared do either but I can't bring myself to be the one to push that limit. I'm too much of a coward.
"Just don't go away." I whisper softly and hesitate before leaning forward and resting my head on his shoulder. I find I hate the thought of him leaving me and I still can't understand why. Maybe I don't have to understand. Can I just want to be with him? Would that be okay? I move my hand from his face to his side, hoping that he wouldn't mind but unable to resist. I lean against him, wanting to be close and still praying that he doesn't leave. I viciously block out the presence of Naraku. I'd rather focus on Souta.
God, he's so close, so warm… his head on my shoulder, his hand on my side… I think it might burst my heart's beating so fast. Biting my lip, I rest my head against his lightly, ready to pull away if he moves. I don't mean to but I find myself shifting closer to him, it feels so wonderful to be close like this. It probably doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to me but it's nonetheless very nice to be not quite held by him… "I won't," I promise, voice barely more than a whisper.
"Thank you." I whisper, petting his side gently and pulling him a bit closer. This is nice…I love touching him, yes love that's the word I have been searching for. I wrap my arms closer around him. "Souta…" I say again, just loving his name. I can't stop…I don't want to leave him. "Is this okay?" I ask, unsure if he wanted to be this close to me. "Do you mind?" I pray that he doesn't but I don't want to make him uncomfortable. He's so warm, so soft, and so different from anything else I am used to feeling.
"Mind?" I ask startled, "No, it… it's nice," I whisper, moving my head to rest on his shoulder. He pulled me closer… maybe he… no, don't think about it, just enjoy this while you can. The others are going to be finished arguing about what to do soon, then they'll come in here and it'll all be over. I won't even be given a choice, not if Sis gets her way. But I don't want to leave him… Curling closer to him, I close my eyes, and slide one arm around him, while my other hand plays with his hair.
I feel his hand in my hair and I give into the urge to bury my fingers in his. It's so soft. I pull him closer and bury my face in his shoulder. I'm happy he doesn't mind my touching him… I don't think I could've stopped if he'd asked me to. I begin running his fingers through his hair, loving his warmth…his presence. "That's good…I don't want to let you go." I whisper. I'm not sure if he can hear me with my face against his shoulder. I sigh softly… it's a happy sigh, I love being near him.
His fingers are in my hair and I think I'd be purring if I were a cat. "Then don't," I tell him and turn my head to bury my face against his neck. He's so warm, and it feels so wonderful to be close against him like this, I don't want to be away from him… I press closer, determination welling up in me. I won't go. I'm not going to leave him, not without a fight. If they want to send me away from him they're going to have to use force to drag me away kicking and screaming.
"Okay," I love the way he feels against me. He presses closer and I let go of his hand to hold him tighter. I feel strange with Naraku's presence so distant. I think I'm only feeling my emotions… and all I want to do is be closer to Souta. My heart is beating so fast and I'm sure Souta can hear it. I just want to stay with him… can I forget the rest of the world? I don't think I'm allowed to do that either… but I don't care anymore. I feel my ponytail fall out from his fingers.
I knock his hair tie out and I wonder briefly if I should apologize for it… I wait but when he doesn't object I just thread my fingers through it, reveling in the feel of his hair in my hands. All I want to think about is him and this right here, "Stay with me Kohaku," I breathe against his skin, so quietly that I can't even hear myself over the sound of my heart. I'm blushing again and I'm not sure why, maybe at the audacity of asking that even if I'm fairly certain that he didn't hear me.
My ears catch the request only because I'm used to trying to hear Kanna when she speaks. "I'll try, Souta… I'll try as hard as I can." I pull him against me. My heart fluttered at his words. I want to thank him but my heart is pounding too hard. I pet his back and I love touching him so much… he wants me to stay with him. I want to stay with him. Naraku's far away and I pray this lasts forever. I want to be here… or anywhere, as long as I'm with him and far from Naraku.
He… he wants to stay with me? I am more than a little saddened by how hard it is for me to believe that someone would want to stay with me, let alone someone like him. He is so strong and brave… "I wish that you could come home with me," I whisper. Maybe you would be safe from Naraku there, I think to myself. At least then I could keep you near me, and I want that very much… maybe more than I should… I won't let anyone take you away from me, not now that I've found you.
I pet his hair, holding him close. "Why can't I?" I ask, curious about his tone. I can hear someone enter the room and quickly leave again. I ignore it in favor of waiting for Souta's answer. Though, I can't help wondering if I'm to be punished… I've done many terrible things to them… I couldn't blame them if they wanted to. I can feel the pain in my leg slowly fading. Souta's medicine must be working. I move my face, tickling Souta's neck with my nose. My hair tickles my neck. I can't remember ever having my hair down.
