I can't help it, I laugh, "Hey, that tickles!" I tell him and in moving away from the tickling I end up practically nuzzling his neck. Yeah, I'm avoiding that question; I'm avoiding it like the plague, for as long as I can. How am I supposed to answer it? Um, yeah, so I'm from the future and I came back here for a quiet birthday picnic with my sister because that's the only time I can ever see her because she likes these people more than me, mom and grandpa… yeah that sounds like a great thing to say…
I gasp lightly at the feel of his skin against mine then make a pleased noise that I wasn't sure I ever knew how to make. I hold him tighter, only distantly remembering the question I'd asked. Since he apparently didn't want to answer. I lean my head slightly against his hair and make a light 'hm' sound. "Sorry… I wasn't trying to tickle." I inform him… my voice is soft for some reason. I think I'm blushing again. My face is hot. My heart won't stop pounding or my stomach fluttering. I just love touching him. I can't stop.
I press closer to him, and the hand not in his hair pets his back gently. "That's ok," I say and because he seemed to like it I dare nuzzling his neck again, briefly. What can I say? I'm acting shamelessly, I know… but he's just so irresistible, and warm and he smells so good… and he's been so nice to me… Plus, he's letting me dodge having to answer that most difficult question… Okay, so maybe not the best of reasons but who cares? I don't think I could keep my distance from him, even if I wanted to.
I make a soft sound and lean toward him. Whatever it is that he was doing to me I love it. I pull him closer. "That feels good." I tell him and wonder why it feels so good. I move my nose against his neck in a similar manner to how he was doing it. I can't get enough of him. He is so warm. I want to be closer, to curl myself around him and never let go. I bury my fingers further into his hair, absolutely loving the way it felt. Loving the way Souta felt against me.
He mimics my movements and I feel a full-body flush start on my face and work its way down. I should stop this, I'm not sure he realizes what he is doing to me. But his hand is in my hair and it's making it so hard to think… I just know that I don't want to accidentally hurt his feelings by pulling away. Fuck it; no one has ever called me smart anyway. Besides it's not like it is going to lead to anything more than this. It's just the reassurance of being close to another person… isn't it?
I give into the urge to pull him closer. I'm practically sitting in his lap, knowing better then to pull him into mine. I brush my lips against the skin but pull back. I pet his hair, pressing my nose there instead. His hair smells so good. I don't understand why I'm doing this, why I can't stop touching him, why I never want to. "Souta," I say again. I don't know where this is going, but I love having him so close and he doesn't seem to mind. I just can't get enough of this boy that freed me.
Feeling hazy I start slightly when he says my name. I pull back and blink at him, "Kohaku," I reply, shivering slightly at the feel of his name on my tongue. He's so unbelievably close, it would be so easy to lean forward and press our lips together… but no, I can't. It wouldn't be right. It's obvious from his tone of voice and the look in his eyes that he doesn't really understand what we're doing. So I smile at him and slide my hand down caressing his cheek. "Kohaku," I breathe, just needing to say his name again.
I smile for him leaning into his touch. My name sounds different when he says it. I hesitate briefly leaning my forehead against his. I feel his breath on my face. I'm blushing.
Several days passed. I still haven't let him go. We've been out of the hut. The others seem to be more comfortable around me than I am around them. Souta helps though. I still haven't learned all their names. The girl… the one that I remember the face of, she's very kind to me. Her cat demon… Kirara has been with me almost as much as Souta.
Days have passed and no one has tried to make me go home… it's a little unnerving, truth be told. Sis has only tried once to guilt me into going home and Inuyasha yelled at her when he caught her. He's always close… I don't think he's let me out of touching range except for that first time Sis cornered me… not that I've wanted to be away from him. I have to keep telling him they don't hold him responsible for what Naraku made him do… I'm not sure how much of an impact my words are having though…
Souta and the others keep telling me that I have nothing to be sorry for. That I can't be held responsible… but that doesn't stop me from holding myself responsible. I've never tried to get away from Naraku before… Souta was the reason to escape. I haven't felt his presence since the day I woke up. My leg is healing incredibly fast… the Miko, I think her name is Kagome, says that the Shikon shard in my back is causing me to heal faster. It makes sense. Naraku has threatened to remove it several times. I'll die if it's taken.
He's thinking about Him again… I can tell because he gets this little wrinkle in his forehead. He doesn't quite frown but it's close… I wrinkle my nose and lightly poke him square in the chest, "I am sleepy," I inform him, voice quiet, and blink sleepily to emphasize my point. "Can we go lay down or are you not at all sleepy? Cuz I can always just lean against you and sleep like that." I'm babbling and I know it so I shut my mouth and look at him, waiting for him to decide what he wanted to do.
I smile softly, happy for the distraction. I hug him against me, lying back onto the bare floor. I position him so his head and shoulder are pillowed against my chest. "No I don't mind napping with you." I tell him, burying my fingers and nose in his hair. I know I probably won't sleep, but it's much more comfortable for Souta this way. I lean my head back onto the floor, more than willing to bear the slight discomfort. I'm so used to sleeping like this. I can't sleep on a futon any more… unless Souta's there with me.
"Thank you," I whisper, curling close to him and sighing happily at his decision. I still can't seem to speak much above a whisper, and if Sis yells at me my voice disappears for hours. I know that this disappoints her, because afterwards she can't even look at me… It makes me feel almost unbearably pitiful. I can't even take my own sister yelling at me, I mean come on now, she's always yelled at me, why should it start affecting me at this late date? I yawn and stop thinking as I let the oblivion of sleep take me.
'So you like him, Kohaku…' I hear Naraku's voice inside my head.
'No' I try denying. He doesn't believe me.
'Do you want him? Want to touch him? Want to make him a part of you? Go ahead… I give you permission. Touch him, Take him.'
I want to pull away to make myself be far away from Souta, but Naraku controls my body now. My hands move and pin Souta's wrist above his head. He looks up at me, sleepy, confused. My eyes are blank. I feel the tears dripping down my face.
"I'm sorry," Naraku lets me whisper.
I only just went to sleep why is he waking me up…? Wha… my hands, "What? Kohaku?" Blinking open my eyes I look at him, his eyes… they are so blank… Oh, god… I tug at the hands pinning mine, "Let go," I know it's not going to do any good but the words are out before I can stop them. I close my eyes again, as long as I'm not looking at him I can pretend that it's not Kohaku that's hurting me, and do what's necessary to get away. I struggle, but he's so much stronger than me…
He's using my hands to hurt Souta and all I can do is beg him to stop. The apologies are falling onto Souta faster then the tears from my blank eyes, but only because Naraku wills it.
Naraku is spitting and cursing at me as I beg, disgusted with my betrayal. Naraku cuts off my ability to speak, so I can't even scream when he sends the pain.
Abruptly it all stops. Even Naraku's voice vanishes from my mind. I have control of my body and I pull quickly away from Souta, huddling in the farthest corner of the room.
It hurts but I struggle anyway and then it just… stops… I open my eyes, hands still above my head and he's not there. Sitting up I bring my arms to my chest protectively, and look around for him. "Kohaku?" I whisper questioningly, but he doesn't seem to hear me. I glance at me wrists and grimace. Those are going to hurt in a few minutes. With a sigh I get to my feet and walk over to him and kneel next to him. "Kohaku?" I whisper coaxingly, "Please talk to me. Are you all right? Is he gone? Kohaku?"
"I am so sorry," I cry and bury my face in my knees. I hurt him… the tears are falling faster now and I have curled into a tight ball. I do not want… I can't… I hurt him and I'm still here. I'm dangerous… I could hurt him again, but I still can't leave him… I won't. I was trying to save him and get him far away from Naraku's grasp. Now I'm his only connection to him. I look up at him, tears streaking my face.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper again, praying that he can forgive me.
He looks at me and I reach out and cradle his face between my hands. I give him a small smile, "Shh, it's ok, there's no need to cry," I whisper wiping his tears away with my thumbs. I lean forward and press out foreheads together for a moment then pull back so that I can look in his eyes again. I smile again when I can still see him in them. "I'm ok, Kohaku… are you alright? Did he hurt you?" I'm talking to him but I'm not sure he's hearing me… he looks almost like he's in shock…
I can barely hear him, but I can see the bruises forming on his wrists. I put them there. Where did I hurt him? How badly? I can't remember. I should be concerned about Naraku's sudden disappearance but he's gone. I only wish that he vanished sooner. I curl back into a ball but I have to ask, "How much did I-" I swallow; "He hurt you?" my voice cracks from the crying. I bite my lip and wait for his reply. I hear him move, but I don't look up. I knew I was dangerous but I-I hurt him.
He sounds so sad… I can't stand it. I walk forward on my knees and wrap my arms around him. I sit and pull him onto my lap, holding him close against myself. Pressing my face against his neck, I reach up and pet his hair, trying to soothe him. "I'm ok, Kohaku, just a few bruises… nothing that won't heal in a few days." Using the hand not in his hair I cup his cheek and turn his head so that he's looking at me. I smile at him, thumb stroking his cheek. "I'm ok, 'Haku, really I am."
I close my eyes and press my lips to his cheek, still crying. I hurt him… I hate that Naraku had to disappear for me to even be able to stop. I want to protect him… but how do I protect him from myself. I bury my fingers in his hair, needing to touch. I need to touch… but I'm the one that hurt him. I feel a bitter laugh bubble in my throat but I keep it from surfacing. Souta is sad when I'm bitter. I'm shaking lightly. I hope I'm not upsetting Souta… though I know I am.
He kisses my cheek and I blush in spite of what just happened. I let the hand cupping his cheek drop so that I can pull him closer against myself. I bury my fingers in his hair for a moment before threading my fingers through and knocking his hair tie out, then I continue combing through it, soothing myself with the repetitive motion. He's shaking but I don't know what else I can do for him, except be here and not let him go. They can't make me let him go… I wish I could take him home with me…
"I want to be free of him… I don't know how." I don't know how to say this; I just need to be away from Naraku. If I can do that… and I'm with Souta… maybe… something. I can't quite remember what I want to happen between us, but I'm getting closer. I can only hope that this incident doesn't send my memory once again into regression. I curl closer onto his lap and bury my face in his shoulder, letting my lips brush against his neck as I go. He's blushing; I can feel the heat from his face.
"I have a thought… but I'm not sure about it… I'd have to talk to Sis," I whisper, blushing harder when his lips brush my neck. I bury my nose in his hair as I consider the problem. I drop my arms and wrap them tightly around him, pulling him closer. I don't know if I could get Sis to agree… and what would Mom say? Though she's never minded when Kagome brought people home… but she's always liked Sis more than me… plus she's never brought people home with the intention of them staying for any length of time.
I pull him closer, petting his back and side. I hope this is comforting him. It's helping me. He's thinking about something and it has him concerned. I think for a moment then kiss his neck again, hoping I'm not worrying him more. I want to apologize again but I know what his answer will be.
"I'll go home with you, Souta," I whisper, "Wherever home is. I just want to be with you." My crying's stopped and my trembling has slowed. "You're so wonderful. I hate that he made me hurt you." My voice trembles, "Can I kiss you?"
I lift my head and look at him, uncertain that I had heard him right. "Kiss me?" I ask him, feeling knocked off kilter by the question. Does he understand what he's asking? I mean he's forgotten so much and he has had so little human contact... But god, I want him to… then the rest of what he said catches up with my brain. "Wait, you'd want to come with me? Without having any idea what it's like? You'd… you'd really want to stay with me?" my voice is painfully hopeful and I hate myself a little for that.
"Yes," I pull back to look at him. "Can I stay with you?" I ask sounding just as hopeful as he had. I move my fingers to his hair. I lean in far enough that I can taste his breath. He hasn't given permission; I'll remain close until then. I remember what kissing means. My memories of the basic of life have been returning. I don't think I've ever kissed before. Not when it will mean something anyway… I think I might have a sibling… family? I can't quite remember but Souta helps me remember things. It's all coming back.
God, he's so close… "Yes," I breathe, what else can I say? I want him to stay with me, I want him to kiss me, how could I say no? My eyes slide closed as our breath mingles and I tilt my head invitingly. "Please," I whisper lifting my hands to cradle his face. He's precious and perfect and all I want is for him to stay with me… I'm sure he'll change his mind later when he remembers more and spends time with other people but I can pretend it'll last. For a little while at least… can't I?
I press my lips to his, pulling him tight against me. He's so soft, so warm. I don't know what these feelings are yet but I want more of them. I'd follow him anywhere. I think that scares me… I can be scared. I don't ever want to let him go and he's not pushing me away. I don't care where it is he lives or why he feels the need to keep it secret. I just want to be with him. Far away where Naraku can never touch us. Where we could be… happy. I want that very much.
I press against him, into the kiss… his lips are chapped. It makes them feel a little rough… I like it… I have to talk to Sis; I've got to convince her to let me take him home with me… I know that if Sis agrees Mom will go along with it, she trusts Kagome's judgment, even though she don't trust mine. I won't leave without him… he wants me and even if it's only for right now, even if he changes his mind later, I want to be there for him as long as he wants me around him.
My lips feel rough compared to his, making him seem all the more soft. I run my fingers through his hair and run my other hand up and down his back. My heart's pounding so hard and he's so close I'm sure he can feel it. I can't seem to catch my breath and I never want to. I'm trying to remember how to deepen the kiss, but it's eluding my recollection. I can't get enough of this, I want more. I try to press closer but we're as close as we'll get. This feels good, Souta feels so good.
His heart is racing but I almost can't hear it over my own. He's so warm and I love how he feels pressed against me like this… I want more but I can't bring myself to push the issue, I'll be content with whatever he's willing to offer me. If I push he'll leave that much sooner and he might feel like I used him when he was vulnerable and then hate me later… I couldn't bear that… so I break the kiss and pull back to rest my forehead against his, silently praying he won't get angry with me.
I smile at him and place another gentle kiss on his lips still holding him close. I pet his hair. I keep my forehead pressed against his, just enjoying being so close to him. My Souta, my precious Souta… but when did he become mine? He isn't, but I'd like him to be. He's so sweet and wonderful and just so perfect. I lean in to nuzzle… yes nuzzling is what it's called… his neck. "Can you be mine Souta?" I whisper, my voice hesitant and shaky. He's so close and he's so warm. My Souta, that would be nice.
I think my heart stopped completely for a moment before racing even faster than it was before. God this is going to hurt so much later when he learns there's better out there, but I want it so badly… I need to pretend it's possible for someone to love me, even if I know it's not really true. "Yes," I whisper and press my lips to his fleetingly, afraid to take more than that brief touch. I rest my forehead back against his and pet his hair gently, praying that he won't get angry with me for taking that kiss.
My smile becomes warm and I kiss him again. "Thank you, thank you." I whisper, kissing him between each word. "I don't know how to love you yet, but I'll try, my Souta. I'll try." I pet his hair out of his eyes, my eyes sincere. "You're so perfect, so soft." I snuggle close against him, loving the way he feels against me, loving the sound of our heartbeats together. I want to be closer, but I don't know how. I just want more of him. I'll never get too much. I wish I could remember how to love.
"Doesn't matter," I whisper, "I just want to be close to you," for as long as you will let me, I add silently, pressing close to him, praying that it was ok to say even the little that I did. "I'm not perfect," I tell him quietly, so quietly that I can barely hear myself. I don't want to say it but I can't let him think something so far from the truth. But soft, yeah, I'm soft and I'm weak and I'm pathetic… I can't imagine why he would think nice things like that about me but… it's rather nice…
"I want to try," I whisper back, almost missing his second comment, "You are perfect… even if you can't see it. You're so sweet, so willing to believe in me… even when I hate myself. You're helping me remember so many things and feelings. With every new memory I want to be with you more. I can't get enough of you Souta… So I want to remember how to love you. I want us to always be this way." I whisper near Souta's ear, making sure he can hear every word. He needs to know how I feel about him.
I close my eyes and press my face against his neck. Soft he calls me, and sweet, and wonderful… those are the qualities a person looks for in their first love or in their rebound relationship. I may be perfect for him right now, but give it some time and all the things that he likes about me now will be the things that he wants least from. I knew this was too good to be true. I grimace faintly then lightly brush my lips against his neck. "Thank you," is all that I can think to say to him.
He sounds sad… I don't want him to be sad. I can't stand him sad… "I'm sorry," I whisper, burying my face in his neck. I want to cry again, but I won't do that. "I'm sorry you don't believe me. I'm sorry I made you sad." I hold him tighter. " I wanted you to know how I felt… I…" my voice dies in my throat. He doesn't believe me… He doesn't. There's a slight pain in my back but I ignore it. I'm so sorry… I never wanted to upset him… I just… I thought. I'm so sorry.
Idiot! I rage at myself, you're supposed to help him and this is not helping! Feeling panic rise inside of me I lift my head and capture his face between my hands, "No, don't be sorry, it's ok. I'm just not used to people wanting me. Shh, please don't be upset, I'm happy that you want me. Happy, Kohaku," I pause and smile at him, thumbs stroking his cheeks, "You make me happy, 'Haku, that you want me to be yours makes me happier than I can say," I whisper and daringly press my lips to his, kissing him gently.
I kiss him back, only slightly relieved, but happy he kissed me. When the kiss is broken I smile at him "You called me 'Haku… I like that." I pet his hair… it's almost become a nervous habit. I turn my face in his hands, kissing his palm. I wasn't trying to get so scared like that… I just can't stand the thought of him unhappy. I lean in to kiss him again. I like kissing him… I think I remember something. I press into the kiss and dart my tongue out, touching his bottom lip. He tastes so good.
His tongue touches my lip and I hear myself make a soft sound that makes me blush at its wantonness. Darting my tongue out I lick my lips, lightly touching his with the tip of my tongue at the same time. He said something I know he did… but I can't remember what it was… he's all I can think about. I want him to do that again, I want him to do more than just that, but I dare not even think about that yet. Later maybe, if he still wants me… but right now is all that matters.
I tremble slightly at the sound he makes, not entirely understanding what it was doing to me. I feel his tongue touch mine and I can't resist tangling our tongues together and wrapping my arms tightly around him. I press closer, trapping our tongues inside our mouths. His flavor is incredible. I want more, but I don't know what. I'll not push anything until I remember more. I curl tighter against him, loving how he felt. I can't get enough of how he tastes. I use my fingers in his hair to tilt his head back and deepen the kiss.
Helplessly, I open my mouth for his exploration, and several more soft wanton sounds escape me. I can't resist tasting him as he tastes me. He's indescribable… and all I want is more of him. I have to keep reminding myself he doesn't completely understand this. Finally I have to break the kiss because the feel of his tongue sliding against mine is about to drive me to things he's not ready for and that he'll want to save for someone special. I kiss both of his cheeks gently before resting my forehead against his, trying to calm myself down.
My face is terribly flushed and I try desperately to calm my body. We can't yet… because I can't remember what these things I'm feeling mean. I want to remember. I want to remember so badly… So I can have the courage to even ask him what else he wants me to do. I want… I don't know what I want, but Souta knows… I'm afraid to ask. I want to do what he wants me to… but I don't know what that entails. I pet his hair and kiss his cheek, resting my head on his shoulder. "My Souta."
I nod against him and lift a hand to pet his hair, "Yes," I agree easily; after all there isn't anything else I would rather be. Combing my fingers through his soft dark hair, I exhale quietly forcing myself to relax again. Licking my lips I pet his back with my other hand. "Are you alright?" I ask him, needing to be sure that I hadn't pressed him too far, too soon. I press a kiss to the top of his head, I know that I shouldn't but I just can't seem to stop myself. I want to touch him…
"I am all right… I just want to remember things. I want to understand the things… things that my body wants from you. Things I want from you, that I can't quite understand yet." I curl close against him and nuzzle his neck. My hearts still pounding and I'm still flushed. Something else is happening to me, but I don't know what, so I'm trying to ignore it. I kiss his neck gently, just to touch. "… I'm sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?" I suddenly worry that I might be. He's so warm. I'm feeling a bit drowsy now.
His question startles a laugh out of me. "Not exactly," I tell him shaking my head. I press a light kiss to his temple… it's so easy to touch him, and it keeps getting easier the more I do it… I cuddle him against me and smile, "Don't worry, 'Haku, I'm perfectly comfortable…" then I wrinkle my nose and give another laugh, "Well I think my leg has fallen asleep, but other than that, I'm just peachy keen… Um, I mean I'm just fine, no worries." I smile sheepishly and shift him so the blood flows through my leg again.
I lean my head more comfortably on his shoulder and I think I'm falling asleep. "You're so warm." I whisper and feel myself drifting off. "I'm tired…" I tell him. Even my voice is sleepy. I snuggle up close to him, then change my mind and push him back onto the futon that's in the corner where I moved. I curl around him, as much as I can but my legs still broken despite it's rapid healing rate. He's so warm… why am I so tired all of the sudden? At least Souta was tired before. Maybe he still is.
I lift myself up on one arm and brush his hair out of his face, "Are you sure that you're alright, Kohaku?" I ask, grabbing the blanket at the end of the bed and pulling it over the both of us. Stifling a yawn I press a kiss to his forehead, feeling sleepy myself. He says that I'm warm but to me he is the one that's radiating heat. I cuddle close to him, wishing a bit wistfully that his leg wasn't still broken… it would make cuddling much easier… "Haku," I say sleepily, my Haku I think to myself.
I smile… I really do like it when he calls me that. I run my fingers through his hair and I can feel myself drifting into sleep. I love sleeping with Souta next to me; there are no nightmares when he's here. I pull him closer, nearly unconscious as I lift my uninjured leg over his hip, just wanting to cuddle closer. I bury my face against his neck. He smells so good. I never want to be anywhere else. I just want him close. As long as I can have him near… as long as he wants to be…
I let myself relax against him and press my lips against his cheek, feeling myself blush at taking that sort of initiative, but he's so far gone that he probably didn't even notice, thank goodness. Closing my eyes I squirm into a more comfortable position. When I wake up I'll go talk to Sis and convince her to let me take Kohaku home, where he'd be safe. I feel kind bad about taking him away from Sango but… it's not safe here… Giving a soft sigh I finally let the darkness hanging on the edges of my mind take me.
I fall asleep, content with Souta in my arms.
Sango had been the one to come in earlier. She talks to Kagome about Kohaku going to their world.
I wake up and my limbs are tangled with Souta's. He's pressed tight against me and I've never been so comfortable. I pull him closer. I can't help it. I will never have enough of him. He feels so good and I might understand what he's doing to me… my body understands. Now if only my mind could catch up. This is frustrating. I want to know what I want from him.
He moves and it wakes me up, though not completely. Warm and utterly comfortable, I press against him muttering a sleepy protest when he moves around… I don't want him any farther away from me. But this wakes me up more and I bite my lip hard when I realize that I was objecting to him doing what he wanted to do. God, I can't do that… I'm such an idiot; I've got to remember to always think before I speak or do anything… no matter how tired I am. I'm so stupid… what if he's angry with me now?
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I was trying to get closer." I kiss his neck gently, tangling my legs more tightly with his to press myself against him. Yes my body definitely understands what's going on. I feel so hot, but all I want is more of Souta's delicious warmth. He's so close… I can't seem to control my actions, but this is nothing like when Naraku takes control. So close, close enough to taste. I dart my tongue out briefly, tasting the flesh of his neck. My breath's quickening. I don't understand, but I want to.
His tongue touches my skin and my breath catches in my throat at the feel. What… what is he doing? I can feel his quickening breath against my skin and it makes me shiver with need. But I can't… he doesn't really understand what it means… "K-Kohaku?" I question voice breathless, hesitant. I feel myself blushing hotly when he presses against me… God, I can't take this… It's torture… He's so close and I want to… But it's wrong, no matter how he's acting. He barely knows who he is, there's no way that he's ready for anything like that.
"Should I stop?" I question. I hate to make him uncomfortable, but my body's screaming at me that I want this. I want to follow its advice so badly, especially if it means getting closer to Souta. Closer is better with Souta. I don't want to stop. "I just want… I don't know what and I don't care what I have to do to get it. I want you closer. I want you always this close. I… I just can't get enough of you. I don't think I can stop." I say into his ear, pressed so close against him.
My entire body's hot… I can barely think but I can't let this go too far… he presses closer and my hand pets his lower back. "I just don't want you to do anything you'll regret. You barely know yourself… what if later on you look back at this and hate m-that it happened? I mean you don't even understand what it is you want… you don't have to stop but… wouldn't it be better to wait until you knew what it meant?" My voice has faded to almost nothing and tears threaten. I must be making him so angry…
"I-" I struggle to catch my breath, "It would… Though I know I would never regret something I'd done with you." I pull my face back and press my lips to his, kissing him desperately. Trying to pour my body's need and my own into it. I want to know everything. I want to know myself so I can know everything about Souta. I never want to forget a thing about him. I'll do whatever I can to always be with him. I slide my fingers into his hair, petting it. "You're so perfect… lovely, understanding… I'll never leave you."
I close my eyes and smile up at him, so he won't see the pain that naïve statement causes me, then I press our lips together again because I need a distraction from the tears trying to get past my guard. Focusing on how nice it is to be so close to him I am able to give him a happy hum, and I can only pray that he didn't notice my slip. I know that once he's himself again he'll realize that his only interest in me is a result of me somehow helping him get away from Naraku…
He tensed after he hummed… almost like he was afraid. I feel tears rise up at the very thought of him afraid of me. A small tremor runs through my whole body and I press more desperately into the kiss. I don't understand, but I'm so close now. I'm almost on top and I only distantly realize that my leg is completely healed. It suddenly occurs to me why Souta's afraid… He's afraid I'll leave him when all my memories return. I won't. I couldn't bear leaving him. How do I fix this? How can I get him to understand?
One of my hands is in his hair and I'm not sure how it happened. I shouldn't be encouraging him like this but I don't want him to stop... His weight is pressing me down and it feels so good… he feels so good against me… my enjoyment in having him pressed against me is rapidly becoming obvious. I flush and try to shift so that he won't be able to feel my enjoyment and only end up pressing myself more tightly against him. The wantonness of the sound that escapes shocks me and I tense afraid of his reaction.
The world freezes at the sound Souta makes. I break the kiss, looking down at him and feeling his hardness pressed against me. Has he even noticed how much I'm enjoying this as well? He's so afraid that he'll do something wrong. I want to show him that he couldn't possibly… I don't know how. He's gorgeous. I kiss him again, harder this time, though I don't mean to. I can't stop… I want… need so badly to prove that I'll never regret this. He feels so good. I want more sounds like that. Want them to be for me.
He pulls away and I cringe. As I open my mouth to apologize he kisses me again, harder. I whimper helplessly, all thought fleeing my mind when I feel his hardness press against my leg. I push up against him, into the kiss, while the hand not buried in his hair, gently presses against his lower back pushing him closer. Having him pressed against me like this is intoxicating and I don't think this is a good idea but I can't say no to him… "'Haku," I whisper, pleadingly, against his lips, no thought in my head now but him.
He says my name… the name he calls me… and I kiss him harder. He tastes so good. We should stop. I can't seem to… I want more. I hope he doesn't hate me for this. I press him into the futon, wanting to get closer… wanting to feel more of him. My hands are running over his body and I never want to stop touching him. I'm letting my body dictate my actions and I can only think of Souta. I trail my mouth down his neck, kissing and licking. I silently beg him to touch me, shivering slightly.
I writhe slightly against him, not trying to get away just needing to move, to feel more of him. He feels so good against me and his mouth on my skin is so incredibly wonderful… I turn my head toward him and tug gently at his hair, silently asking him to kiss me, needing the reassurance of his lips on mine. In some distant part of my mind, I still think that we shouldn't be doing this but… I want to be doing this, I want him against me, I want him touching me, I want to be touching him…
I feel him tug at my hair and I am more than happy to press my lips against his again. My hands settle from their roving, one petting his side the other petting his hip. I love the way he feels, moving under me. Of its own accord my hand slides under his shirt, petting bare skin. I can feel muscle under the skin and I move my other hand under his shirt as well. I open my eyes while we kiss, wanting to watch him. He's so warm. I move against him just wanting to feel more of him.
His hands are under my shirt and he's moving against me. Whimpering wantonly I move with him, creating delightful friction. I comb my fingers through his hair, and pet up and down his back with my other hand. Touching him feels so good… I never want to stop… Eyes still closed I press harder up into the kiss, and dart my tongue out to lightly stroke across his bottom lip, just wanting a quick taste of him… I shouldn't… it's not my place… but I want him so badly… and this is probably all I will ever get of him…
I open my mouth, tangling my tongue with his. I keep my eyes open, loving to see his reactions. One of my hands dips below the waistline of his pants, wanting to feel so much more. He's so perfect… so soft. I love the feel of hard muscle under his smooth skin. He's so gorgeous… I want to… I don't know, but I'm letting my body lead the way. Souta's moving against me and I can't get enough. He's enjoying this… he's making the most wonderful, delicious, delightful sounds… I just want more. He's so lovely. I press closer still.
He's so warm and close and heavy against me… his hands are… I don't know what to do, so I move with him. All I want is more of him, of this feeling, this blissful feeling. I can't remember why this is a bad idea anymore, all I can think of is him, the way he's touching me… how he feels against me. Closer, he keeps pressing closer and I press back, anything he wants I want to give him… more soft noises escape me… he seems to like them so I stop trying as hard to hold them back.
My hand slide further into his pants and I the noises he's making are driving me mad. I've never been happier for insanity. I don't ever want this to stop. All these sensations… emotions, want, need. I love the way he makes me feel. I want so much more of this. I don't know how to get it. I hear someone enter the room and I ignore the person for as long as I can. The person makes a sound and I reluctantly break the kiss to look to the other in the room. It's Inuyasha. He seems very embarrassed.
He breaks the kiss and when I look to see why, I see Inuyasha standing there. Realization comes crashing in and I flush with shame. How could I let things get so far out of hand? Angry with myself, I gently move his hands to more appropriate places. My stomach churns; I am utterly sickened with myself. How could I take advantage of him like this? I'm disgusting… I can't bear to look at Inuyasha… I don't want to see his reaction to this. They're all going to hate me… especially him… tears sting my eyes, I'm such an idiot…
I see and feel Souta's withdrawal from me. I nearly growl at Inuyasha and sit up, pulling Souta into my lap and holding him close. Inuyasha apologizes profusely and seems to be trying to reassure Souta that there was nothing wrong. I ignore him, petting Souta's hair, desperately wanting to comfort him. I bury my face in Souta's shoulder, unsure how to reassure him. Inuyasha gets closer… I only let him because he's trying to comfort Souta as well. I have a moment of raw fear… what if… what if he doesn't want me to hold… comfort him like this?
I huddle miserably in on myself, and cover my ears, afraid of what they're saying to me. How could I possibly think that I would be allowed to touch someone like him? I press my forehead against my knees and try not to tremble, try to swallow my tears. I'm sick and wretched and wrong, how dare I presume so much? I tense waiting for one of them to hit me for touching him like that… it's one thing to be the security blanket he clings to, and something quite different to try to do something like that with him…
I watch Inuyasha gently remove Souta's hands from his ears. "Souta? Souta can you hear me? You've done nothing wrong. Everything is okay." Inuyasha assures. I bite my lip… so terrified that he hated me for this.
"Souta?" I ask, voice trembling as much as my hands in his hair. "Souta… I… Are you all right?" I whisper. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid. I don't know what to do. "I didn't mean to push… I'm sorry. Don't cry. Please don't be sad. I didn't mean to upset you." Inuyasha tells me I'm not making things better with his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I whisper not really hearing them, not wanting to. "I didn't mean to let things go so far… please… please don't hate me, please don't make me leave. I-I know that I'm useless and that no one wants me around but please just let me stay a little longer… please don't make me leave him," my voice is choked with the tears I'm trying to hold back. A few spill out and I know they're going to make me leave, I'm so worthless and weak and pathetic. I tense again, waiting to be pulled away from his warmth.
Inuyasha sits back away from him. I pull him closer. "No, no, no. Don't go away. Don't leave." I cling to him desperately, burying my face in his shoulder. "Please Souta. Don't leave. You're not useless. I want you. Please." I beg and Inuyasha assures over and over that they wouldn't ever make him go away.
"Your sister and I love you Souta. We don't think those things of you and we wouldn't do that to you." He says to Souta. It sound's like something that'd make him feel better. Inuyasha keeps repeating. I ask Souta to listen to him.
Sis loves me? That's laughable. Kohaku doesn't seem to want me to go anywhere; he's practically got a death grip on me and he said that he wanted me... So I curl against him even though I don't believe I deserve to… but it's what he wants. I look at Inuyasha, feeling pained. "Please don't lie, Inuyasha. I know that Sis doesn't like me. She can't even stand to be around me for very long," my voice is soft and I feel wretched, exhausted, but the tears have stopped. "You came in here with a purpose, what do you want?"
I see Inuyasha's ears flatten against his skull, looking like a kicked puppy. He sighs and recovers the tough guy look. I bury my eyes away again. "I came to check on you… We're sending you and Kohaku to the future; it was Sango's idea. We all agreed that it would be a good plan." Inuyasha stands up. "Your sister adores you Souta… I don't know why you'd think that she wouldn't." He says, sounding rather sad. "You should get your stuff together. The sooner you two go the safer you'll be." I think I hear him leave the room.
I stare after him, biting my lip and feeling more than a little confused, "If she adores me, then why doesn't she ever want to be around me?" I sigh and curl closer to Kohaku. I press my face against his neck, "Do you still want to come home with me, 'Haku?" I ask quietly, whispering against his skin. "You should be safe there… from him… though it'll probably seem kinda strange to you at first…" I'm starting to babble so I close my mouth and bite my lip and press myself more tightly against him, waiting for a response.
"That's okay… I expect it to be strange or you wouldn't be so uncomfortable talking about it. As long as you're there with me… and we're both far from Him… I'll be more than happy." I whisper, lips pressed to his neck. I'm so happy that he's beginning to feel better… though I don't know anything about his situation with his sister. I don't know how anyone could not want Souta around. "Do you have things to gather my Souta?" I ask, not having anything of my own to take… except my weapon. I only hope I won't need it.
"Not unless they found my stuff while they were looking for me," I say and look around the room to double check. I don't see anything that I recognize as mine so I shake my head in the negative. "From the looks of things, I don't believe that I do. Sh-Shall we go then?" I ask, voice low and hesitant, looking up at him through my lashes. I don't want to get up and have him think that I am pulling away from him so I'm not going to move until he tells me that he wants to leave now.
"All right," I help him stand up. Before we start walking I pull him tight against me. I nuzzle his neck. I love being this close to him. I'm so glad he isn't upset with me. I'd hate it if he didn't want me to touch him. I feel like crying again. Did I ever used to do that? Did I cry before Naraku took me? I know that I'm not one of Naraku's creations… but am I human anymore? All I know are demons. Am I still fit for human society? It doesn't matter… Souta's never seemed to mind.
I shiver and press against him, "Thank you," I whisper, hoping that he doesn't ask me to explain myself… I'm not even sure that I could if I wanted to. There are so many things that I am thankful to him for. I'm a little afraid to go out there... afraid of how the others are going to look at me. Inuyasha may have said it was fine but that doesn't mean that they are going to agree with him. Especially Sis… she'll probably yell at me or just shake her head and look disappointed that I was so stupid…
"You're welcome," I whisper back, "But I am the grateful one…" I pet his hair. "If you don't want to go out there yet… I would greatly enjoy, just holding you like this…" I can barely hear myself I'm so quiet. I tighten my arms around him. He's just so… perfect. "I'm so grateful. I don't ever want to let you go. Can I do that? Would you mind me holding you like this?" I ask against his neck, arms wrapped about his waist. "You feel so good… muscle under such soft skin. Hidden strength lying just beneath the surface."
I slide my arms around his neck and press against him. "I would love to stay like this but… the sooner we go the sooner we'll be where He can't get you," I say, ignoring his last statement. It's nice to hear, even if it's only pretty words. "I want to know you're safe… is that ok?" I ask pulling back to look up at him, afraid he would be angry or sad or something… I don't want him to be anything but happy… I lift a hand and tuck some hair behind his ear, just wanting to touch him.
"That's okay," I kiss him reverently, "I want you to be safe too." I smile, leaning into his hand. "You're so gorgeous." I whisper, kissing him again. "Please believe me when I tell you these things… I… can't lie to you. Please don't think that I am." I pet his hair and his back. "At least believe that I believe them." Another kiss. I want to wait for him to lead the way to the others, hating to break the moment, but I'm not sure that he will. I hope he believes… but I can't be sure about that either.
"For now at least," I say and I smile at him then lean forward and press my lips against his neck. "Can we stay close like this?" I ask against his skin, "You're so warm," I love having him close but I admit I have other reasons for wanting him to stay close. If he stays close then maybe Sis will just take us back and not lecture me or anything. "I think mom will like you," I tell him, he's strong like Sis, and brave. Mom will probably want to adopt him and pretend that he's her real son.
I wrap an arm around his waist, shifting us so we can walk. "I'll hold you forever… If you want me to…" I whisper near his ear and kiss his cheek. I don't think… I know he doesn't believe me… doesn't believe that the things I feels for him will remain when… if my memories return. How could I possibly when I can't stand the thought of not having him right here with me? I bite back the rising sadness and I kiss him again. He… I don't know what to do. I smile at him. Souta shouldn't see sadness.
I look up at him and I think… I think that I've done something wrong, somehow I've managed to upset him. He's smiling but his eyes don't match, not completely. "I'm sorry," I whisper, "Please, tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it. Please," I beg, lifting a hand to clutch his shirt. I look at my hand in horror and force it to let go, dropping it to my side. I hang my head, "I-I'm sorry," I whisper, cringing slightly. "I-I didn't mean to be so pushy, please don't be angry," I beg voice almost inaudible.
"Pushy… no, no. You are not pushy. I want you to be like this. I want you to touch me anytime that you like. You've done nothing wrong. I'm just…" I wrap my arms tightly around him. "I didn't mean to frighten you… I'm not angry or upset… just a little sad that you don't believe I really care for you. I'm bound to prove it to you though. I don't know how yet, but I will. I'll prove it I promise. Prove that I care… that I will always care… there's something else I feel for you… Something more."
"I believe that you care for me, I just don't believe that you'll feel the same once you remember everything," I smile up at him sadly, "The way you talk about me, the things you say you like about me… when you remember more about yourself, when you spend more time with other people, you'll realize I can't be what you want," I tell him, because what he really wants is a girl, a damsel that he can protect and take care of. Though apparently, I'm weak and soft enough to temporarily fit the bill… But I'll never be enough…
"Then I don't want to remember, don't want other people. You saved me. I couldn't have done any of this without you. I can't do this without you. Please Souta… I need you with me." I bury my face in his shoulder, crying silently. "Please… I can't… please. I need you… need your strength… your will. You help me… no one else ever has. Please." I hate that he thinks these things… I hate that I let him. I need him so much. He's so perfect. I can't stand him sad like this. I can't fix this. I'm still crying.
Feeling numb I pat his back, "Hush, 'Haku, don't cry. I'm not going to leave you. 'Haku listen," I say quietly, feeling strangely distant. I lift his head off my shoulder and cradle his face between my hands, turning so he's looking at me, "You need to remember who you are. If… if you can remember and you still want me, I promise I'll believe you, ok?" I don't think he will but it doesn't matter. What matters is making Kohaku feel better. "I promise I won't leave you, unless you ask me to," I add, trying to reassure him.
I tremble softly, nodding, unable to stem the flow of tears.
Tears streaming down his face… Kohaku looks every bit the eleven-year-old he barely got to be.
I sniff, watching and praying that he keeps his word. I don't think Souta would break it, but I'm so used to being betrayed when I'm promised something. I shudder lightly; I don't want to think about those promises. I can't think about those promises. It'll connect me to Him. I don't want any connection to him. I can't stop crying. I'm so scared. I feel so weak. I need him so much.
"I won't leave you, 'Haku," I whisper and all I can think to do is wipe away his tears and kiss him gently… he seems to like kissing me, so I don't think that he will mind. I'm not very good at comforting people, probably due to the fact that no one ever comes to me for comfort. "I don't ever want to leave you," I tell him quietly, pressing against him. He likes me close, so I'll be close. I don't know if saying that will make him feel better but that seems to be his main concern so…
"Thank you," is all I can think to say. My tears are slowing and I'm trying to get my breathing under control. I feel him press closer and I wrap my arms more tightly around him, inadvertently pressing our lips together. Despite that I press into the kiss. I hate to be so desperate for reassurance, but I need it all the same and I hate that I'm afraid to trust his promises. I hate the part of me that's still thinking like a demon. I must hate myself too. I suppose that, more than anything, proves I'm still human.
His lips are against mine and it feels so wonderful. Wanting more I press up into the kiss. I can't stop myself… but he doesn't move away, instead he pulls me closer, so I guess it was ok to do that… But I'm going to have to be more careful about things like that. If I don't ask for anything, if I don't press then it should be ok, he won't be able to hate me for it later. Maybe he'll even still want to be friends with me… As long as I don't do anything stupid, it'll be ok…
I press happily against him, but I can feel the tension building in the next room. They're waiting for us to come out. I pet his hair, tongue darting out to taste Souta's lips. They can wait for now. I'm shaking lightly but it's okay. I'm still so scared and I do not know why anymore, but the kiss is calming me, my heart is pounding for a different reason now. I'll never have enough of his closeness. My thoughts are melting in Souta again and I let them. When the kiss is broken we can go join the others.
I can feel his heart racing and the heat coming off him… the way he's kissing me… I don't want it to ever stop… but… I can't let this get out of hand again, it wouldn't be right. I break the kiss but I don't move away. I stay pressed against him and place a couple light kisses on his lips in silent apology. I pull back enough that I can look up at him, "The others are waiting," I whisper softly, reaching up and wiping away the last traces of his tears, "We should go while it's still safe."
"All right," I smile softly and kiss him. I shift us so that he's in front and I'm walking behind him, pressed close to his back. We walk out into the other room and I see Souta flush slightly but none of them are looking at us in a strange way. Though, the priestess- Kagome- seems a bit distraught. She comes over to us and hugs Souta, but gets me in the mix as well.
"I'm so sorry," she whispers to him, "It's not that I don't want you around. I'm just scared. I don't want you to get hurt."
Somewhat distracted by Kohaku's proximity, I pat Sis's back a bit awkwardly, trying to reassure her while glaring past her at Inuyasha. Why'd he have to open his big mouth? Now Sis feels guilty, and she shouldn't. It's not her fault I'm pathetic and worthless… Now she'll have to spend time with me to assuage her conscience, to try to be what she thinks a sister's supposed to be, even though I know she doesn't want to… It'll uncomfortable at best and when she finally can't take pretending to like me anymore she'll leave again and it'll hurt even worse…
"I know that you're older now and you can take care of yourself… but you're my little brother. I like to think that I at least have a hand at protecting you." She says quietly… "Despite my arguments about your safety I really wanted you to come here for your birthday and have a good time… you handled yourself so well out there and even managed to get through to Kohaku. None of us have been able. I'm so proud of you." She tightens her hug a bit around both of us. I don't think she realizes she's hugging me.
I hug her back, because what else can I do? "Thank you," I say, quietly. She's trying so hard and I let myself believe for one brief moment she actually means it… and it feels wonderful… but I know it's not real so I pat her and lean back against Kohaku; not pulling away but letting her know she could let go. I can't bear looking at her so I move my eyes down and to the side. Part of me wishes I could have stayed in that room with Kohaku… but the rest of me wants to go home…
They go through the Well and over the next few weeks Kohaku's smiles increase. He still clings to Souta at every opportunity and Mrs. Higurashi doesn't mind at all. Souta's seventeen, plenty old enough to have a boyfriend. Even if he still doesn't call him that. Kohaku accepted the future well, all things considered. No fainting, just confusion… but he's a little less confused now. On this particular day he appears to be following Buyo around the house, asking the pet for his shirt back. Which Buyo had stolen this morning… The old cat is walking lazily around with it.
Yawning, eyes still mostly closed I grab my cup of coffee off the counter, lifting it to my face and inhaling the warm, rich scent. Taking a sip I open my eyes and promptly choke on a mouthful of hot liquid at the sight before me. Kohaku is crouched low and walking after Buyo, asking him oh so politely for his shirt back. Setting my coffee back down I walk over and steal Kohaku's shirt back, strategically scratching Buyo favorite spots to distract him from the theft. Laughing silently I hold the shirt out to Kohaku, still scratching (distracting) Buyo.
"Thank you," I smile. I take the shirt and shake it out before pulling it on, still crouched. I pick Buyo up, petting him and stand up. I walk to Souta, standing close and lightly nuzzle his neck in thanks. Buyo purrs happily between us. I'm still getting used to the clothes I wear here, but Souta seems to like them. He gets blushy and he can't seem to string together a sentence when I wear something that he's gotten for me. Therefore, I always wear those clothes. I love to make him happy. He's so gorgeous when he blushes.
