He's doing it again, I think feeling my cheeks heat with a blush I can't seem to stop. I swear his singular goal in life has become to make me blush all day, every day… I do it so much anymore that half the time I get all light-headed from the blood rushing to my head. Sighing softly, then yawning, I press a light kiss to his neck before pulling away and walking back over to my coffee. So early… need caffeine to function… sweet, sweet caffeine… I close my eyes blissfully as I sip the fortunately still steaming liquid.
I smile, watching him drink the… coffee? Yes that's what it's called. I set Buyo down and walk up behind him, resting my chin on his shoulder and wrapping one arm around his waist. "My Souta… I remembered something yesterday… I remember that Naraku made me kill my father and comrades." I whisper very quietly. I finally understand the aching emptiness that is only filled with Souta near. I press my face close to his neck. Hurting but happy to remember and slightly comforted that it wasn't my fault. I'm positive that I have a sibling but… alive or dead?
I shiver and press back against him… he said that so calmly… it's a little frightening. Setting my coffee down I reach back with one hand and pet his hair. I bite my lip and consider carefully before asking quietly, "Is that all? Do you remember having any siblings?" I try not to sound hopeful, I know this is a slow process… but Sango's waited so long to get her little brother back… then I realize how that must sound, "I'm sorry, that was rude," I turn and press against him, "Are you alright?" I ask, voice soft and low.
"No it's fine." I kiss him softly. My smile's faded. I pet his hair, mostly to comfort myself. "I do remember a sibling, but I can't remember if she's alive…" I press close against him. "I'm getting there." I give him a slight smile, referring to my memory. I lean in and kiss his neck, closing my eyes. I remember my father and I hate that he's gone… but it still doesn't hurt like it should. I know it should hurt more. I think it will eventually. One day everything will come crashing down and it will all hit me.
"She. You said she. Do you know it's a she or do you just think it?" I don't know if it's a good plan to ask him things like that… but it's worked before, to help him clarify and even remember more clearly. I pet his hair to let him know it's ok if he doesn't want to think about it right now. Turning my head I press my lips to his neck. I still don't think I deserve to be allowed to touch him but… he gets so distraught when I try to put any sort of distance between us…
"I'm sure that I have a sister." I whisper and kiss his neck. "I just know… though I can't quite remember her… And a cat… I remember a cat was always with us." I smile softly, proud of myself for remembering that much. I nuzzle his neck. "I'm remembering more and more things. It makes me happy… but still sad…he's made me do so many terrible things." I whisper, my mood faltering back into slight depression. I still can't help blaming myself. I wish I could have done something. I hate that I didn't even try to stop him…
I move my hands to cradle his face, and smile up at him. "What he made you do doesn't matter," I bump my nose against his, "Hey can you remember anything about her? Your sister, I mean? Any specific details, or maybe something about K- the cat?" I'm trying to distract him… trying to erase the depression I can hear creeping into his voice again… I hate when he lets what Naraku forced him to do eat at him… I wish that I could erase all the bad memories and leave him with just the happy ones of his childhood…
"She had long hair… and a soft voice… like the demon hunter." Why can I never remember her name? "She was always laughing… cheering me up." I can't resist kissing him softly, not when he's this close. "I can't remember much about the cat… just that it was a constant companion." I press close, kissing him again. He's blushing again and I kiss his cheek. He's gorgeous… he still doesn't believe me when I tell him things like that… but he doesn't argue as much anymore. He's trying to distract me from my depression… it's working… I'm lost in him.
"The demon hunter? Oh, you mean Sango!" I say and smile up at him, wanting to tell him that they were the same person but knowing that he needed to figure it out for himself… and at the same time desperately trying to ignore the way that having him this close always made me feel. I blush harder and hide my face against his shoulder. Taking a deep breath I pull away, turning back to my coffee. I take a sip then cradle it in my hands and stare at it, using it as a shield to keep us apart.
I look at his back sadly. I hate it when he pulls away like that. I can't tell him that… It would just make him feel bad. He doesn't mean to do it. He's just trying to protect himself. I hate that he has to… from me. I tremble and turn my back to him, making it look like I'm trying to find something to drink. He's using the coffee as a shield… I should look for my own shield, but I don't want to hide from him. What if… I… no. I stop the thought and bite my lip.
Finishing my coffee I go over to the sink and rinse it out then turn to face him, "I'm starved, how about you? Want me to make you anything?" I ask, looking up at him and smiling. He's left his hair down again and some of it has fallen into his face. Without thinking I raise a hand and tuck his hair behind his ears. I pull my hand away slowly, letting my fingers trail across his cheek. I want to see him smile and my touching him of my own will has yet to fail me in that respect.
I pull my lip from my teeth to smile at him. "Yes please. Anything you're having is fine." I take a step toward him, but remember myself and stop short of hugging or touching him. He's in a pulling away mood. Touching him when he's like this just hurts too much. My smile's still there and still real. I'm happy that he touched me, but I won't initiate contact until I'm sure he wants me to touch him. I'm always happy when Souta touches me… but sometimes Souta gets sad when I touch him. I hate to make him sad.
I stay looking at him for a long moment letting my hand rest against his cheek. I move my fingertips to his hairline then (not quite touching) trail them down the length of his face. He's beautiful and I wish with all of my being I was worthy of him, that I had the right to touch as I pleased… but I don't so I smile then move to the fridge getting out the things I'll need for breakfast. When I walk past, I brush against him, not bothering to make it seem an accident… I want his smiles today…
"Souta…" I say softly when he brushes past me but I'm unsure why. I wait until he sets things down then I step close. I can't stop. I keep walking until he's nearly pressed up against the counter. "I'm sorry. " I blush, "Can I… can I have a kiss? A… A real kiss? Before you start breakfast?" My voice trembles slightly and I hate to ask him like this… But I want to so badly. "Please?" I whisper, licking my lips. I'm trembling slightly. I'm afraid… I don't want him to hate me. I just want him close always.
My breath catches in my throat as I look up at him, feeling the edge of the counter pressing into me. I feel myself flush and it feels as though my whole body has been set on fire. He's so close and all I can do is stare up at him… my mouth has gone completely dry and I cannot seem to form a single coherent thought. I know that he asked me something… something that needs an answer but I don't know what it was… all I can see is him, so close, so perfect, god how I wish…
"Souta?" I ask, blood-running cold with fear. I don't want to kiss him without his permission… I'm not sure that he was listening. Do I have the courage to ask again? We haven't kissed… like that since we left my time. I swallow a terrified sound and ask again. "Will you kiss me? Like we kissed… before?" I ask, putting a hand close, but not quite touching, by his face to assure that he listened to my words. I don't know how I keep my voice from trembling. He hasn't asked and I haven't… I hope he wants this too.
His hand is so close… why isn't he touching me? I turn my face and press into his hand, making a soft noise at how warm his hand is. His words slowly turn into something coherent as my mind slogs through the sudden intense feelings having him close like that created. I blink my eyes open and look up at him, "'Haku," I breathe and all I want is him closer… what did he ask for? "A kiss? Oh yes, oh please," something in the back of my head is screaming no… but I cannot in this moment fathom why…
I almost fall into him… but I can't have this turn out like it did last time. "Are you sure? You aren't…? Are you going to… be sad after if we do? …Like last time?" I need him to focus… I need this to mean… something. I need him to want this… all of him to want this. "I don't want you to be sad… I want to kiss you like that, but I won't if it will make you sad." My voice is steady. It shouldn't be. I hope he understands what I'm saying. I couldn't bear repeating this.
I feel like crying, but instead I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to force my mind to start working again because that's what he wants. So I stop and I lean my head against his shoulder and I think about it. After due consideration, I lift my head and look up at him with serious eyes. A small part of me is angry with him for making me think about this, but the rest of me is grateful for it. "As long as it's only a kiss. If we can keep it to just kissing, yes."
"Only kissing. I promise." I hesitate then put my hand on his cheek, leaning in and gently pressing my lips to his. I will wait for him to press back before trying to deepen the kiss. I put my other hand in his hair, needing the reassurance of the way it feels. I'm so glad that he was listening. I was so afraid he'd be angry with me for making him think about it. I'm so terrified of the thought of him angry with me. I don't think I could stand it. I'm sure I'd fall apart and beg forgiveness.
I place my hands on his chest for balance, and raise myself up on my toes to press into the kiss. He said he wanted it to be like before, why is he being so tentative? Is he having second thoughts? Oh… oh god, he's changed his mind and was only pressing his lips to mine out of courtesy because he was the one that asked in the first place… I let my hands slide back down to my side and I settle back on my heels waiting for him to pull away, certain now that was what he intended.
I feel panic flood my veins and I automatically pull him close again, inadvertently pressing into the kiss. I can't help it. I tighten my hold further and my tongue darts out, licking his lips. I'm so terrified, but the heat that's pumping from my heart is overrunning the cold of my fear. I'd forgotten how good he tasted. I hate that I forgot that. I never want to forget anything about Souta. Nothing. Every new thing I learn about him fuels me to remember more. With every new memory I feel more for him. I almost understand it all.
He pulls me tight against him and I can't help the small sound that escapes me, as I open my mouth for him, offering it for his exploration. Given this tangible sign that he did in fact want this I press back against him, wanting nothing so much as to be close. I fist on hand in his shirt while the other slides up and buries itself into his hair. He feels and tastes even better than I remember… god how have I been able to stand not doing this these past weeks? When did my will become so strong?
I tremble and tangle my tongue with his. He tastes so incredible. I press him a bit harder into the counter, desperately wanting to get closer. I must have forced myself to forget. I don't think I can live without this. I love the way he feels, pressed against me. His mouth is so warm, wet… and he's just so… I can't describe it. I won't even try. He's Souta, just Souta and I'll never have enough of him. He's so precious, so perfect. I've done nothing to deserve this. I don't deserve this. He is so gorgeous. Never enough.
He presses me harder against the counter, forcing a wanton whimper past my lips and into his mouth. It hurts some, the way the counter is digging into me, but the pain is lost in the incredible feeling of having him pressed so tightly against me. I have a sudden almost irresistible urge to push myself up and wrap my legs around his waist… but I make myself fight against it. This is only supposed to be a kiss. Just a kiss… dear sweet god, how am I going to be able to keep this as just a bloody kiss?
I slide my arm around his back, placing it between him and the counter, letting it dig into my skin instead. I press harder into the kiss, wanting to taste him forever. A quiet moan escapes me; I don't even try to stop it. I want Souta to know I'm enjoying this. He deserves to know. He deserves so many things. I will give him all that I can of myself, anything that will make him happy. I want to give him everything. My memories, my escape, it's all for him. I'd be nothing without him… just a pathetic puppet.
My arms are around his neck and I don't remember how they got there. He's so warm and alive against me and the sounds he's making are driving me insane… all I can do is press myself more tightly against him. I'm pulling myself up and somehow my legs are around his waist… when did that happen? And how? God I don't care… all that matters is him and being this close… having him pressed so tightly against me in such a way… And it's only then I wonder is he has any objections to supporting my weight like this.
I break the kiss, panting heavily, but not pulling my body away at all. I stay pressed against him, petting his waist where I am holding him up, trying to indicate that I only broke the kiss to catch my breath. I nuzzle his neck, moaning quietly because of the feel of him against me. "Souta… Souta, Souta, Souta." I say, loving the taste of his name almost as much as the taste of him. I rock us slightly back and forth, still panting. I just want to be closer… He's so perfect. "My Souta," I whisper into his ear.
He breaks the kiss and my head falls back as I give a soft cry, shuddering against him. He's rocking against me and whispering in my ear… it's enough to make me want to writhe against him but I force myself to stillness. "'Ha-'Haku," I say trying to get his attention, "We, god, we have to stop. Please," I whisper and my voice is not quite begging. I press my forehead against his, while one hand pets his hair to show him I'm not upset, not with him… and I'm not, I'm just utterly overwhelmed by the feel of him.
I tremble and slide to my knees, carefully sliding Souta down with me. I shift him to one side of me and lean against his shoulder a bit more heavily than I intended to. "I'm sorry… I promised… just kissing." I'm still panting slightly. "You're so precious… gorgeous." I whisper, wanting to tell him even if he doesn't believe me. I pet his shoulder softly. I don't know… I've started to figure out what I want… mostly I just want Souta. I want all that he will give me… if anything at all. I just can't get enough of him.
I wrap my arms around him and lean against him… He feels so wonderful against me, and so very warm. I smile at his latter comment but ignore it and press a light kiss to his neck as I answer his first words. "There's no need to apologize, 'Haku. We're both still dressed and our hands have stayed in reasonably appropriate places…" I give a small bright laugh that startles me a bit, "Though they probably wouldn't have for much longer the way things we going. It was wonderful… but overwhelming and rather fast…" I tell him quietly, cuddling closer.
I can't help smiling brightly. He laughed… I got him to laugh. I snuggle closer. I love it when he laughs. I kiss his face and neck lightly. "Souta," I say softly for no real reason… just to say his name. I pull him into my lap, just to cuddle and nuzzle his neck. I know he ignored my compliments, but it doesn't matter. He laughed… I can't help being completely delighted by that fact. His real laughter is rare and short and is to be treasured for all that it's worth. I will never forget Souta's laughter. Not ever.
A quiet startled sound escapes me as he pulls me into his lap. A bit surprised but more than pleased by it, I snuggle against him, pressing my lips to his neck. He's smiling again and that makes everything all right again. I love the way he looks when he smiles, and this one is so bright… it makes him look so very happy. I tilt my head back to look at him; I love it when he looks this happy… it's so very rare though… I wish there was a way for me to make it a common occurrence.
"I love it when you laugh like that," I whisper wanting to tell him. He's so precious to me. I wish he believed me when I told him that he was. He still thinks that I'll leave him when I remember. I can't help feeling terribly responsible for that fact. I failed him somehow… but he wouldn't like that either… so I try not to think that way. I kiss him softly on the lips, just an innocent kiss. I touch the side of his face, running my thumb over his cheek. "It makes me so very happy, my Souta."
He kisses me chastely and it has my heart racing almost as fast as the previous kiss. I blush and close my eyes but I lean into his hand, loving how warm it felt against my cheek. Sighing softly I open my eyes again and look up at him. The look on his face makes me smile; it's so warm, happy… he seems rather pleased with himself. I poke his nose with my finger, and I'm not sure which of us I'm trying to distract… maybe both of us. My stomach growls and I laugh again, "Are you still hungry?"
"Yes," I smile brightly my stomach growling as well. He laughed again. I kiss him quickly once more and I stand up with him in my arms. I set him on his feet and give him another good hug before releasing him to cook breakfast. We have found that I cannot cook with Souta's future equipment. It turns out as an utter disaster. I love to watch Souta cook. He looks so lovely, focused on whatever he's cooking. I'm starting to remember these things my body wants me to do… though I'm positive that I've never actually experienced them before.
Smiling, I shoo him back against the far wall, well away from the stove. He's dangerous in the kitchen, when there's cooking happening. He always wants to know how things work. It's cute but scary sometimes… I swear he has no awareness of simple dangers. I push him against the wall then lean up and press our lips together briefly… ok so maybe I'm beginning to have some hope… he's remembered a lot of things so far… and he still clings to me and calls me his Souta… just look at him, with that kind of encouragement, who wouldn't hope?
He presses me into the wall for a brief kiss. I'm so distracted by it that I almost follow him back to the stove. He shoos me back again and I press my back to the wall. I stand up on my tiptoes, trying to see what he's doing. These tools are so fascinating. I love seeing how much everything works almost as much as I love watching Souta work them. I move my head about, trying to get a better look. I'm careful not to stray from the wall. I've caused enough trouble in the kitchen for one month.
While I cook I keep looking over at him to make sure he doesn't get too close. Sometimes he gets so distracted trying to figure out what I'm doing, he forgets to stay back. It's silly but I love that about him… that he can get so wrapped up in something, he forgets about everything else. He's so beautiful when he's like that… With a grimace I focus myself back on the food I'm cooking… it would be a terrible thing to have to throw out this food… it would take forever to replace it, too long my stomach thinks.
He keeps looking over at me and it's a good thing too. It reminds me to stay by the wall. Buyo comes walking by, rubbing against my leg, and asking to be pet. I pick him up, scratching him behind the ears. The cat meows, upset with me for moving around to look at Souta. I look down at Buyo. "That's what you get for stealing my shirt." I tell him and continue trying to see what Souta's doing. I know Buyo is much too lazy to scratch me when he gets upset. My stomach growls impatiently. I ignore it.
With a special flourish, because I know he's watching, I plate the food. Turning I look at him, "Please grab some utensils and napkins," I ask politely, picking up the plates and carrying them to the table. I look at him and smile as I pass. I want to kiss him again… not even the food tantalizing my stomach holds as much interest as the thought of kissing him again… but that would be a Bad Idea so I accept my napkin and my utensils and I start eating… but I can't keep my eyes from straying back to him...
I eat slowly, savoring the food. Souta is staring at me. He hides it well. He looks how I feel. Like he wants to kiss me. I set my chopsticks down looking up at him. "Souta?" I ask to get his attention, though I already have it. "I want you to know, any time you want to kiss me or touch me in any way, I want you to. I will never object to you doing that… never. I always want you close so you don't even have to ask." I make sure to keep eye contact the entire time.
I look down at my plate blushing furiously… don't be so obvious idiot, I tell myself angry that he'd seen… because I can't do what he's asking me… I just can't do it. I want to… but I don't have that kind of courage. What if in spite of my newly hopeful outlook, he remembers the rest and changes his mind about this… I don't want anything that I have done to ruin my chances of him not hating me for things that might happen… I couldn't live with him hating me… I just wouldn't be able to bear it…
My eyes drop sadly to my plate. He's not going to believe me again. It hurts terribly and I feel like I've failed. I continue eating my food, viciously stifling tears before they can form or even show signs of their existence. I think I used to cry a lot. Not a tremble betrays me. When I cry it makes him sad. It makes him worry. I won't cry over this. I won't. I chew my food slowly, no longer tasting it. I hate that. I know it tastes good. I can't concentrate on that, needing to fight the tears.
I hurt him. He's hiding it but I know… his smile is gone… and it's my fault… I begin shaking and ignore my food. Maybe… as horrible as it could be… this is worse. My chest hurts… I feel like I'm going to cry. I can't… I stand abruptly and I feel his eyes on me. Trembling I walk over to stand in front of him. I can't bring myself to actually kiss him… but maybe if I touch him, he'll kiss me. So I touch his cheek and look at him, silently begging him to understand that I'm trying…
I see the plea in his eyes and stand instantly. I wrap my arms tightly around him and put my lips close to his. "Please kiss me." I beg. He needs to do this on his own or I can't believe that he really believes. That doesn't mean that I can't beg for it. We're already practically kissing but him pressing into it on his own is what I need. I hate to ask this of him, but I have to help him build courage in himself. I don't know why but I need this… no… We both need this.
I could almost hate him a little for making me do this… almost… but he asked and that makes it ok. Makes it so I can put my arms around his neck… makes it so I can push up onto my toes and press our lips together, showing him, proving to him I mean it. I tighten my arms and press harder into the kiss, into him. It's exquisite torture, to have him so close, so willing, and knowing it will go no further than a kiss. And maybe, if we're very careful, some touching… but that's dangerous, slippery ground.
I bend down slightly to make the kiss easier on both of us. He's so close. I close my eyes. I wrap my arms tightly around his waist, pulling us closer still. I pet his back and my hand slips gently under his shirt of it's own accord. I dart my tongue out, licking his lips, wanting to deepen the kiss.
Something… other than Souta steals my breath and memories flash behind my eyes. Instead of breaking the kiss to sort them out, I press closer… needing more. I'm quickly becoming overwhelmed by the sensations, but I can't stop now.
He presses closer and his hand is under my shirt… I can't stop the small helpless, wanton noise that escapes me as my lips part in offering to him. It feels so wonderful to have him close like this… I don't ever want it to stop. Please don't push this too far 'Haku, I beg him silently, I don't want this to end, I don't want to have to pull away to keep it from going too far. I bury my hands in the loose silken strands of his hair, and press harder into the kiss, tangling our tongues together.
I break the kiss, pressing my forehead to his. My eyes are still closed and my head is reeling from all the new information. I pant heavily, unable to catch my breath. I pet the skin under my hands to assure Souta that I was all right, though I'm not sure I am. It's all there now and I can't seem to put it in order. I remember everything but I can't put it all together. The puzzle is complete but the pieces aren't in order. My head hurts and I can't focus enough to try and organize it all.
Dazed by the abrupt separation, I blink trying to catch by breath. Petting his hair I try to collect my thoughts. As my brain starts functioning again I notice he seems to still be having trouble catching his breath. "'Haku? 'Haku, are you all right? Is something wrong?" He looks… he looks like he's in pain. That's not good. Biting my lip I gently push him back down into the chair. Tilting his head up to face me I press a gentle kiss to his forehead and say, "Talk to me, 'Haku, tell me what's wrong. Please," I beg softly.
"My head… everything's there." I can't manage anything more coherent; my head feels like it's going to explode. I cling onto the hem of his shirt. He's above me… When did that happen? Am I sitting down? It doesn't matter. I take the deepest breath I can manage and try to relax. I need to focus… it's so hard. My head hurts so much. I'd love to give in completely to the memories, but that would likely cause me to faint. That would worry Souta. So, I struggle to keep them back until they've unknotted themselves, struggle to stay conscious.
Everything is there? What does he mean? Wait… oh, everything… no wonder he looks like he's in pain. I sit on the floor and pull him onto my lap, trying to be gentle. Cradling him against me I pet his hair and press a light kiss to his temple. "Just relax 'Haku," I whisper, trying for soothing though I'm unsure how well I'm succeeding. "It's ok. Don't fight them; just give in to them ok? I've got you, it's ok to let go, to let them do what they need to." I kiss his temple again, and hold him close.
I curl against him. Give in… I'm afraid. I tremble slightly and press my face into Souta's neck, breathing in his soothing scent. I'm careful, slowly letting the memories through, one at a time. I can only hope that they will organize themselves once they're acknowledged. I hold on tighter to him, petting his hair. I whimper softly when the memories are coming too fast. I can't handle this much information at once, too many emotions, and too much heartache. The pain is ebbing away but my confusion grows. The world's vanishing and all I can hold onto is Souta.
I kiss his cheek, his neck, anywhere that I can reach trying to reassure him, to calm him. "Hush, it'll be ok… I'm sure it's difficult but you have to relax, don't fight it and don't force it. The more you resist the more it will hurt," I say keeping my voice low and soothing. I don't think that he can really hear my words anymore, but maybe my tone is getting through and helping… I don't know what else to do so I just keep talking to him, "Everything will be all right 'Haku, you just need to relax."
Relax? Yes… I relax. The memories feel as though they're flooding my veins. I bite my lip, trying not to tense up again, trying to accept the memories… Oh… God… My village. My family. My sister? She lived, she lived and it's a frail hope but I'm sure that I've met her since my imprisonment. I think I might know her, but it's too hard to focus now. I relax further against Souta, his voice soothing me. I can't focus on any one thing, I try to concentrate on one and ten others are trying to interject. I finally faint.
After I feel him slump, I scoot back against the nearest wall, dragging him with me. Reaching the wall I reposition him with his head resting on my lap, so I don't have to support all his dead weight. He seems troubled so I pet his hair. Judging from how he's acting this will be it. All that's left now is to wait and see how he feels after waking. I grit my teeth and try not to think about it. I know the most likely scenario is he won't remember any of the last few weeks, not even me.
I stir and it feels as though an eternity has passed. I feel warm and safe in someone's arms. I blink my eyes open, looking at my comfort. A boy? Yes, Souta. How could I forget Souta even for a second? "Souta?" I ask trying to get his attention. He looks at me, blue eyes meeting brown. Abruptly all the bad memories hit me hard and I curl myself tightly around Souta, mourning my village for the first time. Tears fall past my lashes, "Oh God, Souta. They're gone… I killed them," I sob harder against him and cling desperately.
I've almost fallen asleep when he finally stirs. He says my name and it takes me a moment to realize he's talking to me. I look down and meet his eyes and I can see the exact moment when everything catches up with his conscious mind. It hits him hard and suddenly he's clinging to me and he's sobbing so hard… I pull him close against me and pet his hair, "Shh, 'Haku it wasn't your fault," I whisper, gently rocking him. "I know it doesn't make it hurt any less but you didn't do it of your free will."
I cling tighter, shaking and sobbing too hard to speak. It hurts so much. I may have known this morning, but now I understand. I… I can't… oh God I killed them all. The realization is tearing me apart. It's not just faded memory that I can't confirm. It happened. He used me… violated me much worse than I could remember before, but my hatred isn't enough to overrun the sadness. I start to hiccup between sobs, my body trying to gather more air. I can barely breath, but I can't stop crying. Though Souta's helping to quiet the sobs.
There are words in his sobs and I don't think he realizes he's speaking out loud. He thinks he killed them all but… "Not all, Haku, your sister's still alive. You still have her," I don't know if he can hear me but I hope he can and that somehow he can derive some small measure of comfort from the knowledge. "Hush now, crying is good but if you keep at this pace much longer you're going to make yourself sick. Please 'Haku, you have to calm down so you can breath," I tell him keeping my voice low, soothing.
He's trying to comfort me, trying to get me to calm down. I bite my lips, forcing my sobs to slow. My hiccupped breathing comes easier, but the tears are still flowing. I tremble with the effort of not sobbing, still clinging to him. I take slow deep breaths, trying to gather enough air to ask him about his first comment. "Sango's okay?" is all I can manage. It's almost too much to hope for. She tried to protect me, even after I'd wounded her and died in the process. I was shot. I unconsciously reach for my back. Arrows?
"Yes, Sango's fine. Kohaku, everything you're remembering… it happened a long time ago," I almost wince at those words, not entirely certain that's a good thing to say. Biting my lip, I hold him close but carefully, trying not to invade his space… though he's managed to work himself practically into my lap. I know he said my name but he doesn't even remember seeing Sango, so it must've been a fluke. I pat his arm comfortingly, "Sis's due today, I'm sure she'll be willing to bring Sango here," I tell him, hoping it'll bring him out of his depression.
"Thank you Souta." I whisper… there's a hole in my memory. I remember Souta. I remember escaping with Souta… then I remember being here, in this strange new world, but the only thing between that I can remember… is Souta. I bite my lip, a little afraid to ask my next question. Afraid to know how long I was under Naraku's control. "How long Souta? How long ago was that?" My voice trembles from the crying. I move closer, settling myself in Souta's lap, needing to be close. I cuddle close; making sure that Souta knows he is comforting me.
I bite my lip I don't want to tell him but what choice do I have? He's going to find out, regardless. "Eight years," I whisper and my voice barely works… I don't want to be the one giving him difficult truths… I just want to be the one to comfort him… but I don't get that kind of luxury. Oh well… honesty's always the best policy… but I hate to be the one giving him more pain. I take a deep breath to brace myself for the fallout… I hope that revelation isn't the camel that breaks his back.
I wince and bury my face in Souta's shoulder, petting his back. He didn't want to be the bearer of bad news, but he told me anyway. "So… I'm nineteen." I say, feeling the need to cheer us both up. The tears have slowed and I nuzzle his neck in thanks. I'm trying not to think about how long I was in that vile demon's control and hoping Souta will just go along with it. "You're seventeen, aren't you, Souta?" I ask making sure I had correctly calculated his age and proving that I remembered him. I look at him.
I blink for a moment in surprise then nod, "Yeah," I agree quietly. Maybe he really does remember me… but that doesn't make any sense. Why would he remember me and not Sango? Shaking my head to clear it I look back at him feeling uncertain. I pet his arm hesitantly, not really sure if he wants me to be touching him like that. I don't know what I should be doing right now. He remembers now so things are going to change… I just don't know how… I'm a little afraid of how things are going to be now…
I smile at his touch, kissing Souta's neck. "Thank you for staying with me. How long has it been since I passed out?" I ask, moving my hand up to pet his hair, pressed close against him. I look around and realize that we're in Souta's room. "When did we move from the kitchen?" I blink at the room, seeing my makeshift futon in the corner. I wonder if Souta brought me in here by himself or if one of the others helped him. I lean into him, taking solace in his presence. I wish I could make him understand.
"Umm, I'm not sure how long you were out… a few hours, I think. We moved from the kitchen about two hours after you passed out. The floor was becoming increasingly uncomfortable," I say quietly shifting minutely as I remember just how numb my ass was when I finally moved him. Hesitantly, I lean my head against his very lightly… I'm not sure if the boundaries are different now so I don't want to push my luck and end up with an upset or weirded out Kohaku… because that would be very bad… worse than bad… to me at least…
I pet his hair, using its softness as a welcome distraction. He is so warm. I hum softly, knowing he was hesitant and afraid that his boundaries were different now. They aren't and staying close to him is all I can think of to show him that. I don't want to embarrass him by just saying that he could touch me more. It is a little different now, but I still want Souta with me… forever if I can have him. I feel terribly unworthy of him now, but I'm feeling selfish enough to wish him by my side forever.
I want to wrap myself around him and pretend nothing else exists for just a little while… but I can't… I wouldn't have been able to do that this morning so wanting to do it now is just ridiculous. Besides, Sis'll be coming back with Sango shortly… she came while he was asleep and I asked if she would because he didn't really seem to believe me when I said that she was still alive… I hope it's a good idea… Sis didn't seem too sure about it, but that was probably because I'm the one who thought of it.
My heart aches, but Souta helps with that. It's hard to be truly sad when I'm holding him. He said that Sango was coming… Sango survived. I hope she isn't upset with me. A childish fear, but one I have. It's been eight years… I feel much older, but I'm still thinking like an eleven year old. I suppose I can't help it the only other way to think is like a demon… and that prospect terrifies me more than I'd care to admit. I press my face closer against his neck. A demon-slayer thinking like a demon, that's bad.
Tentatively I lift my hand and lightly pet his hair with my fingertips, ready to drop my hand at the slightest hint of withdrawal… I just want to touch him a little… I want to believe my being here is helping him a little… utterly selfish and probably idiotic but I can't seem to help it. I'm a fool to think I could be anything other than something for him to cling to… Once he sees his sister I won't even register anymore. He'll just want to be with her and who could blame him? Family's more important by far.
I lick my lips, "Will you s-stay with me when Sango comes?" I ask, knowing that I'm going to need the support. "Please?" I swallow. He's touching my hair and I can feel myself relaxing against him. The physical and emotional exhaustion are starting to set in. I can't fall asleep yet. I take a deep breath, waiting for his reply and pressing my lips to his neck. Souta's real and solid… I can feel his heart beating and that's comforting me more than I can say. I wish he'd touch me more, but I'm afraid to ask him to.
I chew on my lip for a moment before answering, "If you want me to," I say finally. I know he just wants a shield, a barrier for the initial shock of reunion, and who better than me: his personal comforter and cling toy? Once he realizes that she doesn't blame him for what happened, he'll relax and not need me… but I'll stay with him until he stops noticing me. The mere thought that he'll forget about me makes me feel a little ill, but I know that I don't have any right to expect anything else from him.
"I always want you with me." I whisper back. He's always been afraid of me forgetting about him… not wanting him when I remember everything. That's what he's certain of now. I can hear it in his voice. I hate that he hasn't gained more faith in me. It's my fault. "I'm sorry that you still don't believe me Souta. But I will always want you with me. I'm sorry that I couldn't make you believe that." I tell him, wanting him to know and feeling absolutely terrified that he'd never believe me. I know I understand these feelings now.
I flush, angry with myself for upsetting him before he has a chance to see Sango. "Don't be sorry, it's not your fault… Look I promised I would believe you if you still felt the same way after you remembered everything… and I will… just talk with Sango first, ok? We'll work our stuff out after you talk with your sister. She's the priority because I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be here after you two work things out, ok?" I'm not sure that I'm making any sense to him… I really hope he understands what I'm trying to say.
"Okay," I say against his skin, biting my lip… He did promise. I pull back, kissing his lips softly before burying my face in his shoulder again. I do need to talk to Sango, but I want to be here with Souta. Even seeking revenge on Naraku isn't worth leaving Souta. I know Sango will be sad to not have me with her, but she'll be all right. I need Souta; I think he needs me too. I know Sango, she'll understand. It's almost strange at how easy it is to believe she's alive… but Souta wouldn't lie about that.
He kisses me and I feel myself blush. He still wants me… it seems unbelievable… but he wouldn't lie to me… I lightly press my face into his hair breathing in his precious scent. If he still feels the same after he talks with Sango, I won't have any choice but to believe him… I'm not sure how to deal with that… I still don't believe I'm really worth caring about… no one else seems to… except him… he always wants to be with me, to touch me and… all the things no one else has ever wanted with me…
I lightly nuzzle his neck. Dammit, I'm falling asleep again. He's just so warm and I'm so tired. "Do you think I could sleep, just until Sango gets here? You're so warm. I just feel so safe with you here." I hope that Sango takes a while to get here. I am so exhausted. I understand my feelings now, but I still don't have the right words for them. I wonder if he has the words for how he feels? His scent is so soothing. I just can't get enough of him. I press a soft kiss to his neck.
"Of course you can sleep. You've had a lot hit you today, go ahead and lay down," I tell him, shifting so he can stretch out and get more comfortable. "I'm sure she'll understand if you're asleep when she arrives," I add quietly, and push him off my lap when he doesn't show any signs of moving. Settling his head on the pillow carefully I pull back and smile down at him. When he grabs my hand I twine my fingers with his, but I don't want to crowd him so I remain sitting cross-legged and leaning against the wall.
I grab his hand but he remains sitting against the wall. I smile at him, lightly tugging on his hand, trying to get him to move closer. I'd like him to be closer. I press my face into his pillow, lying on my side. His pillow smells like him and I can't keep the smile from my face. My eyes are only half open but I'm still looking at him in the hopes that he'll come closer. I reach my other hand out toward him. "Lay with me?" I ask softly. My voice is quiet telling him that it's okay.
How can I refuse when he asks looking at me like that? I uncross my legs and stretch out facing him. Lifting a hand, I reach over and gently brush the hair out of his face. It is kind of starting to sink in… that he really wants me… it's the strangest feeling; it makes me feel warm and… happy. I let my hand slowly fall to the bed between us and I smile at him, lightly squeezing the hand that is still entwined with mine. I don't know if I'll sleep… but he wants me here so I'll stay.
I smile at him, scooting a bit closer and lightly kissing him. I close my eyes, pressing my forehead to his. I feel much more comfortable with him close. My body's exhaustion forces me faster into relaxation and I unconsciously press closer. I wrap my free arm around his back, sighing happily. I'm so tired. I can feel my mind drifting, pleased to not have to concentrate on anything but Souta. Sango will be here soon, but Souta still occupies my thoughts. I suppose he's also become something like family to me now. He is so very precious to me.
He presses closer and I can't help the pleased smile that touches my lips as he falls asleep. I bite my lip and debate with myself for a moment then press even closer to him, burying my face in his shoulder. He's so warm and it's so very nice to be this close to him… especially with his arm around me and him trying to get closer to me even though he's already asleep… I wonder if all this is really a dream… it seems like it should be one… if it is, I don't ever want to wake up.
I open my sleep-hazed eyes, still drowsy but not quite so exhausted anymore. I find that I have managed to wrap myself completely around Souta, with my face against his neck. One hand is in his hair and the other around his waist, holding him close against me. I can't help the pleased noise that escapes me when I can feel that his arms are around me as well. "Souta?" I ask, wanting to know if he was awake. I wonder if Sango's here. I tighten my hold on Souta, still inexplicably worried that she might be angry with me.
"Hmm?" I reply and my voice is more of a sleepy murmur than I had expected it to be. I guess I must have fallen asleep after all. He tightens his hold on me and I make a soft noise of surprise before pressing closer. He's so warm and I'm so damn comfortable… I really don't want to move but I know that there is something I should be doing… I just can't quite remember what it was… though I am certain that I will be remembering what it is shortly… just as soon as my brain starts working again.
"Sorry," I murmur softly, "I didn't mean to wake you." I nuzzle his neck in apology. Even if Sango's here I don't want to move. I love being this close to him. I'm happy he's awake though I'm sorry I woke him… He must be tired too. I lightly press my lips to his neck, just wanting to be closer. He's so warm. I hear a soft 'kweh' and Kirara comes up, pawing at our hair before crawling over my shoulder to 'kweh' at us again. I can't help smiling. "Hi Kirara." I whisper. I'm so happy to see her.
With a sigh I pull back and sit up, rubbing my eyes to try and get them to focus properly. I may not want to get up but the others are here and they've probably been waiting for a while. It would be very impolite to keep them waiting any longer. "Hello Kirara," I whisper quietly, and smile at her. "C'mon 'Haku, let's go see Sango," I say as I scoot to the edge of the bed and stand up. Turning, I hold my hand out to him offering a small smile as I wait for him to take it.
I smile at him, taking his hand. Kirara jumps onto my shoulder, nuzzling my cheek with her nose. I stand up with Souta's help, remaining close against him. I fidget slightly, unconsciously straightening my ruffled clothes. I turn my head and kiss his cheek for no real reason. My fingers are twined together with his and don't plan on letting go anytime soon. I chew on my bottom lip, unable to help being nervous. I tighten my hand convulsively. I lean against Souta, careful not to put too much weight on him, just letting him know I wasn't going anywhere.
He kisses my cheek and it makes me blush but I can tell he's terribly nervous. As he leans against me, I slide my arms around his waist and press close, placing a light kiss on his shoulder. "You should try and relax. You're acting like you're about to face a firing squad," I kiss his cheek gently, "She's your sister and she loves you. She's missed you terribly, so you should stop worrying about how angry she might be, because she's not angry, not with you," I don't know if my words are helping… but it's worth a try.
I relax against him, his words helping to ease the tension more than anything. "All right," I whisper. Souta wouldn't lie to me… not about that. He's right Sango wouldn't be mad at me… she hardly ever is. I suppose… subconsciously I still think it's my fault… maybe because it still feels like my fault. I smile at him and place a gentle kiss on his lips. "Thank you," I tell him feeling much more relaxed now. I don't know what I'd do without him… my Souta. I love that he wants to be 'my Souta'. I can't get enough.
I lean up and give him a quick kiss, then turn and pull him to the door. "Let's not keep her waiting any longer. I'd say she has waited long enough, wouldn't you?" I ask, looking back and giving him a small though hopefully encouraging smile. When he still hesitates I step back to him and give him another quick kiss, "You worry too much," I tell him quietly and smile up at him to show that it's not an accusation. I lift a hand and touch his cheek with my fingertips, "Smile, 'Haku, you're happy to see her remember?"
I lick my lips and smile. I am happy. "Let's go." I smile and let him lead the way into the living room. Kirara jumps off of my shoulder to go to Sango. "Kohaku?" I hear her voice and see her stand up, chewing on her bottom lip. I almost retreat behind Souta but I feel his palms on my back and he pushes me toward Sango. "Hello Sango." I say quietly, walking toward her with Souta's urging. Sango looks at me helplessly, unsure of what to do, so I do it for her and run to hug my sister.
Seeing that Sango was the only one in the room, I quietly slip out of the room to give them some private time for their reunion. I'll go to the kitchen and get some refreshments then go back in there. If he notices when I come back and still wants me to be there while he catches up with his sister then I will. But if he doesn't, then I will quietly slip back out and leave them alone. Pleased by this course of action I nod to myself and walk to the kitchen and prepare some snacks and drinks.
I can't stop apologizing and she's telling me that it's okay… reassuring me that it wasn't my fault. She leads me to sit down on the couch and I look around for Souta. "Where did Souta go?" I can't help asking. She says she saw him go into the kitchen and I relax for the moment. She starts a conversation, trying to catch me up on the workings of the world. I listen and participate while keeping an eye on the door for Souta. She's very happy to see me and her mood is infectious. My smile becomes more comfortable.
I slip back into the room almost silently. They're talking, and I don't want to disturb them, so I set the refreshments on the table, careful to not make too much noise. When I am finished I look over at Kohaku and he holds his hand out to me so I sit next to him. I sit quietly, not wanting to intrude on their reunion… I feel out of place sitting with them… but he wants me here so I'll stay. Sango keeps glancing at me and I feel myself flush lightly because of it… have I done something wrong?
Sango keeps looking at Souta and I can tell that it is making him uncomfortable. She sees my questioning look and smiles. "I'm sorry." She says, "I'm just happy that you've found someone who wants to help you through this." She gives me a slight hug and does the same to Souta. She smiles again when I lean back against him. We start talking again and Souta starts petting my hair… I don't think he even realizes he's doing it, but it assures that my smile will stay in place. I try to include Souta in the conversation whenever possible.
They keep trying to include me in their conversation, and while it's very kind of them, I wish that they wouldn't. I'm not very good at the whole family thing and I'm a little afraid that my participation will ruin this for them. After they've been talking to each other about things I'm clueless on for a bit I hide my face against Kohaku's hair. Trying to say that I would rather not be part of this… without being rude about it. I don't want them to be angry with me… but I am quite sure I don't belong here.
Souta buries his face in my hair and I smile softly in understanding… reaching back and petting his hair to tell him it's fine. Sango smiles at the two of us. We talk for a little while longer until I yawn. Sango smiles again… that 'sympathetic sister' smile… and gives me a hug, telling me that we could talk more tomorrow. I nod thanking her softly. I'm very tired. She hugs us both this time and stands up, insisting that Souta and I remain seated. She kisses my forehead and walks from the room. I turn, hugging Souta against me.
When Sango leaves Kohaku hugs me so I curl myself against him. Looking up at him I see him yawn. "Do you want to go back to bed?" I ask him quietly, reaching up and gently touching his cheek with my fingertips. He yawns again and I smile at how cute he looks right after a yawn. His eyes get a little unfocussed and I just want to kiss him. So I do. I sit up and kiss him gently then settle myself in his lap and rest my head on his shoulder while I wait for him to decide.
"Don't care as long as you're with me." I bury my face against his neck. "If you're not tired we can stay out here." I whisper, lightly kissing his neck. I hum happily, so pleased that he kissed me and crawled into my lap without prompting. "My Souta." I say out loud… just because I can. He's so soft… so warm. I pull him tighter against me, wrapping my arms around his waist and petting the small of his back. I kiss his neck again, waiting for his reply. I yawn again, making a soft sound and nuzzling his neck.
He says my name again and the way he says it makes me blush and hide my face against his shoulder. "Uh, let's go lay down… it'll be more comfortable than if you try to sleep on the couch," I tell him and gently nuzzle his neck before sliding off his lap and standing up in front of him. Smiling softly, I hold my hand out to him. He takes it and stands up, I press against him, wanting to be close… I like being close to him… and now it seems I get to be close whenever I want…
I wrap my arms around him, burying my nose in his hair. I shiver lightly at the feel of him against me. He pulls back slightly and leads me to the bedroom. We lay down and I hold him close, kissing his neck lightly. "Souta…" I start, but I'm not sure what I was going to say… I think I want to ask him… how he feels about me. I-I don't want him to think badly of me… but it would be easier to put to words how I feel, if I heard how he felt. Should I ask him?
Wriggling myself slightly closer, I rub my cheek against him gently then pull back to look at him, "Yeah?" I ask quietly, looking up at him. He's so warm against me that I can't help smiling at him. His lips look so tempting that I can't help pressing mine against them. I told him that I would believe him, if he still wanted me after he'd remembered… so I'm trying to get myself to act as if he's my… well I don't know what I would call him… but it's honestly a lot easier than restraining myself all the time.
"H-how do you feel a-about me?" I lick my lips and pet his hair from his eyes. I hate to ask. He kissed me of his own accord and that makes me so very happy. I pet the side of his face, waiting for his answer… I don't doubt his feeling or anything; I just need him to voice them. I try to tell him that with my eyes. I hope it's working. I bite my lip when he looks confused. I don't know how to explain why I need to know. I hope that he isn't upset with me.
Feel about him? I haven't really let myself think about it… I reach up and touch his cheek with my fingertips, "I don't really know… I haven't let myself think about it much… I was scared that you were going to forget… but you didn't…" I lick my lips and think about it for a moment. "I like you… I like you a lot… you're wonderful and gorgeous and so very warm… I think maybe… I might, uh, love you…" I whisper the last quickly and I'm not entirely certain that he hears me as hide my furiously blushing face.
"Love me?" I bite my lip, feeling my face heat. I hug him closer, kissing the skin I can reach. "Love me…" I say again. My heart is pounding so fast. I wrap myself more tightly around him and all the pieces are falling into place. He saved me… I'll do anything for him. I need him so much… and I think I love him too. Yes… my heart nearly stops as everything becomes perfectly clear. I move back and lift his eyes to mine. I smile at him, cupping his face in my hands. "I love you too, Souta."
:ende:
Love is…
