The Wholeness of You
Part Four: Deepest Despair

Remus sighed in relief as he exited the Ministry. The paperwork to visit the Azkaban Prison was more intrusive than any tax form could ever be. The Ministry had wanted to know his connection to the prisoner, they had wanted a sample of his blood so that they could trace him while at the prison. They wanted him to promise, in the most binding of terms, that all he would do was visit, and talk to Sirius.

Now all that was left was to actually visit Sirius.

He could imagine what Lily and James would say. He shook his head. They wouldn't believe that Sirius was capable of committing such a crime. After all Sirius was their secret keeper, and who did you ask to be a secret keeper but the one whom you trusted the most.

He had been somewhat put out that they hadn't asked him, thought it made some sense. Three nights out of the month he was generally more than willing to rip anyone's throats out, you couldn't trust him then, so why shouldn't that apply to everything else.

'Damn it all!' He thought as he stopped by the underground. 'I would have done a better job. I wouldn't have betrayed them! I couldn't have betrayed them. I would have died before doing anything to harm them or Harry!'

James and Lily were just like the rest of society. They didn't trust a werewolf, not even one that they had grown up with for most of their lives.

Remus re-gathered himself, his papers for the trip to Azkaban said that he should leave as soon as he could. Facing the Dementors when he wasn't in full emotional control wasn't something he wanted to contemplate.


Sirius was surprised to note more interest in the Dementors today than on any day previously. Instead of merely lurking around and tormenting their prisoners, they almost seemed alert and eager. They were all focused on something that was outside of Azkaban. Sirius briefly wondered if it was a visitor. He had noticed that the first visit by an outsider always caught their attention. They seemed truly in tune with who belonged to them and who didn't.

His nose caught the sent of a human and he quickly changed back to his own form. It wouldn't do for one of the few humans who set foot in this place to find out what he was. Soon he heard the boot steps approaching, he expected them to continue down the hall, perhaps to stop at Barty Crouch Jr.'s cell as they often did. He didn't expect them to stop at his own cell, or the door to open.

The sight that greeted his eyes almost broke him more than the Dementors ever could. Remus Lupin, the strong werewolf of his memories, stood in rags outside of the cell. He entered and gave Sirius such a disdaining look that Sirius wanted to die.

"Black," Remus spat as soon as the cell door closed behind him. "I come baring a missive from your mother."

Sirius eyed the letter held out to him but didn't touch it. He moved toward his friend, but Remus backed away to avoid his touch.

"Take it," Remus tossed the letter to him, but Sirius still refused to touch it. All he could think about was the werewolf in front of him.

"What happened?" He whispered.

Remus looked startled at the disuse of Sirius's voice. "I don't follow you Black," he shook his head. "And I don't mean too. I am here to deliver the message, and to take a reply to your mother. So please read the damn thing so I can go."

Sirius noted Remus's wandering gaze. He remembered that Dementors effected beings like werewolves much worse than normal humans. The only way he could help his friend here was to cut his visit as short as possible.

Sirius picked up the letter. His name was written out in his mother's strong hand. Shaking he broke the seal and moved the parchment into the light.

Sirius,

I know that in recent years I haven't been as strong a presence in your life as I could have been. I am not sure where we went wrong in our relationship, was I too indulgent of your adolescent rumblings when I allowed you to run away to that second class family? I can only think that that was the turning point.
Your betrayal of Potter and his wife shows that even in your disgrace you remembered where your loyalties truly lay. My only sadness is that my influence was too small to keep you from committing the grievous crime of getting caught. I know that this maybe small comfort to you in your Azkaban cell, but I am truly sorry I didn't see your true purpose sooner.
If only you had confided in me, we could have kept you from this sorry fate.
You have been reinstated in the family will, and when I die you will inherit the entire estate. Regulus never did have your talents, and I played my cards wrong.
My son, though you may never leave Azkaban, take heart in the knowledge that you do have family.

By my hand,
Arachne Black

Sirius stared at the letter. He couldn't quite believe what it said, he felt the same hysteria that had held him when Peter 'confronted' him in London coming up. He heard the laugher, the manic sound of his voice, it sounded odd echoing off the walls of this prison. This dark, gray place that was designed to suck the life and joy out of you.

Remus was staring at him. He could feel as well as see the stare, the hard gaze would have knocked him over - if he had been in his right mind he probably would have backed away. However, the death of his friends and his imprisonment in Azkaban had taken it's toll.

"Do you have a reply?" Remus hissed, growing angry at the apparent happiness of the wizard.

"Write." Sirius coughed.

Remus had apparently been expecting this as he quickly brought out a pen and some parchment.

Sirius took the stuff and looked around for a place to write on. His cell contained a blanket, a chamber pot and nothing else. So Sirius sat down against a wall and wrote on his knees. The writing was not pretty, but then did it have to be for his mother?

Remus stood watching him impatiently. The Aurors outside the door were tapping the bars, signaling that his time in Azkaban was nearing it's end.

Sirius quickly finished his letter, in one mindset he was unwilling to let Remus walk out of the cell while Remus still thought him capable of killing James and Lily. In another he was hoping that Remus never came to visit him again. Azkaban was no place for the werewolf, he was too clean, too good to be here.

Remus all but tore the letter from Sirius's hand. "Good Bye Mr. Black." He said with an air of finality.

Sirius wanted to ask so much, but there was one thing he needed to know. "Harry."

"Harry is well," Remus said not turning around. "We got him to safety, away from your friends."

The cell closed before Sirius could reply, but he would have been surprised if Remus's sensitive ears hadn't caught his reply. 'Thank God.'


End Notes:

It has been a while hasn't it. How can I truly ask your forgiveness for such a miscalculation. Especially when this meager offering is so short? However it is all I have to offer you on this day. I hope it begins to make up for abandoning my story in such a callous fashion.

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