The Wholeness of You
Part Six: Shadowing the Candle

In contrast to his first visit to Azkaban, Remus nearly chuffed at the slow speed his escorts were taking. He understood the reluctance to meet with the guardians of Azkaban any sooner than absolutely necessary, but he had to get to Sirius. It was still inconceivable to him that Sirius might not have been the Potter's Secret Keeper. 'And if someone else had been chosen why didn't they tell me?' The answer was too painful for Remus to contemplate; the only reason they wouldn't have told him was if they suspected him of being a traitor.

An anger ran through him, anger at his friends who hadn't trusted him enough. Who did they think they were? What did they think they were?

"Dead," the thought rang in his head. "All Dead."

The boat pulled up to the dock, one of the Auror's jumped out and secured it. Remus looked toward the senior Auror for his cue to get out. Finally the Auror nodded and the werewolf nearly ran up to the imposing gates.

"One would think that he and Black were lovers the way he's acting," one Auror whispered to another.

"You have to wonder why he's the only one visiting," agreed the other. "Maybe the Ministry should see what our dear Mr. Lupin has to say for himself."

Remus ignored them, he'd heard the whispers before, about him being friends with the Potters, and with Sirius. They weren't going to go away in an instant, he expected that they'd still be whispering about that years from now.

The front door to Azkaban prison opened to let the group inside. Dementors lined the hallway each eager for a chance to get at the fresh people. Remus gripped his wand tightly just in case one of the Dementors decided to get a little too close. 'The first time James, Sirius and Peter transformed for me.' He held his happy thoughts in the forefront of his mind. 'Frolicking through the Forbidden Forest with them.'

The Auror's flanked him as they moved through the halls, the cell that Sirius occupied was in one of the innermost chambers, the ones facing the courtyard where Azkaban's sole source of water bubbled up in a spring.

Sirius looked just as he had last time, unwashed, and not entirely sane. He barely looked up when Remus was let into the room, and he didn't move from his spot.

"Sirius?" Remus sank to the ground next to him.

Sirius blinked at him, as if unsure of what the other man wanted.

"Sirius," Remus repeated. He reached out a hand to touch the other man but Sirius flinched.

Remus stared at Sirius for a couple of moments. The other man finally lifted his head and looked back at his friend. "Remus."

"Sirius," Remus sighed.

"Remus," it was Sirius who lifted his hand this time. Remus didn't move as the dirty hand ghosted over his face.

"Who was it?" Remus asked.

Sirius's face clouded. "What do you mean."

"Who was the Potter's secret Keeper?" Remus demanded.

"Remus," Sirius breathed again. Remus managed to keep a straight face as Sirius's fingers clenched down on his arm. "Peter."

"Why?" Remus whispered the question.

"Because I was the obvious choice." Sirius murmured. "Who would go after anyone else if I was there. Everyone knew how close I was to Lily and James. I'm Harry's Godfather."

"And who would think of Peter with such an obvious target staring them straight in the face." Remus nodded.

"I'm sorry," Sirius threw Remus's arm away from himself in a surprising show of strength.

"Sorry for what?" A cold chill set in again, what was Sirius about to confess to?

"Sorry for doubting you," Sirius burrowed his head in his hands.

Remus stood up, unsure of how to comfort the prisoner. The frail body was wracked with sobs. Finally he placed a hand on Sirius's head and ran it through the oily hair. A rattling of the door's grate recalled them both to the fleeting nature of Remus's visit.

"I'll be back," he whispered as he walked out the door.

He gave another look behind him as he was lead away, Sirius's sobs hadn't stopped.


It wasn't until the Dementors began to gather around his cell again, that Sirius was able to control himself enough to shift into his Animagus form. Remus was looking better than he had during his previous visit. At least his mother was paying him some good wages, the boy had never eaten enough.

'Why couldn't I trust him?' It wasn't the first time Sirius had ever asked himself that question. It was one of those that kept filtering it's way into his mind. 'If only I hadn't trusted Peter, if only I had been their secret keeper, if only...'

It was a memory of James's mother that brought this line of thought to a halt, she hadn't been one to list 'if onlys' and she wasn't one to allow others to start listing them either. "If only changes nothing."

Sirius could attest to that. Here he sat in one of the most darkest places on the face of the earth, and he had spent countless hours going over the 'might have beens' and nothing had changed. Very few people were allowed out of Azkaban, and only a very minute group of those were unaffected. Even if by some miracle he got out of this hell hole, Sirius was sure that the Dementors would follow him for the rest of his life. Possibly not physically, but in his thoughts and his dreams. They took up residence inside of your soul, and they never let go.

He turned the latest missive from his mother over in his hands. One good thing came from his mother's attempts at reconciliation, Sirius got to see Remus again. It had hurt at first, he had seen the accusations and disbelief in the other's gaze. This time had been different though, Remus had appeared to believe him.

End Notes: This is shorter, I make no apologies.