Lar-tons a/n: This chapter has taken soooooooooo long to write, but somehow imbetween conversations about wild strawberries, Chris Barries muscles, virtual pound coins, spagetti and whether we felt hot or cold today, we managed to come up with this extra long chapter. I think Liz deserves a big WELL DONE, cos she's wrote some great stuff for this chapter (Liz is pushed forward to take bow) and also Sian, who's been very patient and helpful (Sian takes bow) and also Nic, for the handcuff and cream gag...although she wants it with Orlando Bloom (Nic takes bow and cheers
Thanks to anyone who reviews.
Lar-ton
Have you ever done something under the blissful illusion that nobody was watching, only later you find out someone was watching, an immense feeling of embarrassment sweeps through your system and you wonder whether you can actually die from excruciating humiliation.
Lister's embarrassment could be summed up in 7 words
'Lister left out of lesbian love fest!'
Choking into his coffee, he re-read the headline, as if checking to see whether it was legitimate.
Eerin, Cally and Jerry (who turned up uninvited) met to discuss the headlines.
"I don't believe it," cried Cally, pacing the flat, her eyes darting across the pages of the paper "Me…a lesbian...d'you know how many times I've been photographed with my tongue down a guys throat!"
Jerry sucked on this teeth "easy meat" he muttered
Cally snapped her head towards him "Jerry, there are two types of people in this world, people who get out there and have relationships, and the other type just sit back and fume with jealousy at everyone else…that type, Jerry, is you!"
"How'd they get the pictures though?" asked Eerin quietly
Lister wandered pointlessly over to the window "they camp outside the gate, hoping they can get some shots of me stumbling home blind drunk fondling some lap dancers tits…"
Eerin shot him a venomous look,
"Not that that's ever happened" he added quickly "they just wait for something to show up, a good story or snapshot…it was just our luck that they had picked that day…"
"HOW DARE THEY FUCKING SAY THAT!" screamed Cally, kicking a coffee table that had the immense misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"Say what?" asked Eerin, Lister and Jerry in unison
Cally tried to speak but found anger had rendered her voiceless, so instead she held the article up to them.
'Cally's C- cup catastrophe'
She coughed to regain her voice and proceeded to read snippets of the article:
'Callidora Major has acquired a reputation for being an 'eyebrow' raising gal, but her recent stunt has left elderly ladies tight lipped with fury and teenage boys offering to wash their own bedding from now on...yes folks, we're talking about Major's 'lesbian tussle' in the foyer of Enhance Flats, in which 3 digit number's Dave Lister lives.
Cally snorted in disgust, "I don't believe this!"
"it's not that bad" reassured Lister, knowing how worked up Cally got about things like this.
The Irish woman tugged at her fringe agitatedly "It is bad, Lister" she wailed "look at the pictures" she held them up so the others could see "my tits are defying the laws of gravity and my legs are wide open and I AM NOT HAIVNG SEX! The only time my legs ever spread that far is during sex!"
Lister looked horrified "can we stop this conversation now please?" he begged, "I'm not really up to hearing about women's sexual experiences and preferences at the moment!"
Cally of course completely ignored him "OH GOOD LORD" she yelled "They've got a poll going on…does Cally wax, shave or pluck…. who on earth would fill that in? WHO?"
"You look like a shaving girl to me," commented Jerry, eyeing Cally's long legs thoughtfully.
Cally glared at him "and you look like a total arsehole to me!" she snapped.
Jerry pouted, and crossed his arms in a sulk. There was a second or two of silence, before he announced: "I personally prefer to wax…you can't beat the feeling of a brazilin" he grinned.
Lister shook his head appalled "this can't be happened" he whimpered, "This has got to be a nightmare"
"You feel so silky and smooth afterwards" sighed Jerry,
"Right, that's it!" screamed Lister, grabbing Jerry by the cravat and hurling him to his feet, he then dragged him across the room before flinging open the door and kicking Jerry through it.
"Its just hair Lister…" reasoned Jerry as the door slammed in his face.
Lister turned back to Cally to see her still fuming, Eerin nodding along sympathetically like women do.
"I mean, do I look like a C cup? My boob job ensured that I was a D cup!" Cally shrieked grabbing Lister's hand, "Oh my god, I couldn't bare it if I was anything less than big and perky" She grinned suddenly, "Here Lister, what do they feel like to you?" she asked, placing Lister's hand directly on her cleavage.
There was an hideously uneasy silence before he coughed, "like breasts?"
Cally burst into tears, "like breasts? They feel LIKE BREASTS! I have to go call my surgeon." with that she stomped out in her 5-inch stilettos leaving Lister and Eerin alone,
"Mmmm, us alone- what shall we do?" Lister was just leaning in for a kiss when Eerin's boob started vibrating,
"What the-?"
Eerin gave him an apologetic glance and answered her phone. "Hello...speaking... sorry..." she then let out an excited yell and flung her arms round Lister's neck, taking him completely by surprise,
Her phone slipped to the floor but she ignored it, preferring to scream instead.
"What's up?" asked Lister
Eerin began kissing him, "tell you later-," she muttered, undoing his shirt and kissing him adoringly. Lister shrugged his shoulders and allowed Eerin to pull him onto the couch.
The reason for Eerin's excitement was the news that her artwork had been accepted for an exhibition for new talent.
It was a fairly glamorous affair, some of the biggest names in the art industry were there as well as a handful of A list celebs, check books on stand by, ready to purchase any artwork that takes their fancy.
The voices of the art lovers rang off the white walls of the gallery. It was all meant to be relaxed; yet there was an unfriendly feeling to the event. Art experts sauntered from piece to piece, berating them as they went whilst the celebs talked loudly about how you never could get a decent bite of eat at soirées like these.
Eerin was panicking, but was trying her hardest not to show it. She kept running her tongue across her lips, each time wiping off a tiny bit of lipstick; she kept fiddling with her earring, smoothing out her skirt, and turning round sharply whenever anyone walked past.
"Eerin…hun" said Lister softly "I don't mean to sound cruel but you look as agitated as a serial masturbator with his hands tied during the Miss World swim suit
contest…"
"What?" frowned Eerin, as she'd only been half listening
"You look nervous."
Eerin grimaced "damn" she hissed under her breath "it's noticeable"
Lister took hold of her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze "you'll be fine" he smiled "I know you will…and if any of these prats with rods stuck up their arses have a bad word to say about you or you're artwork…I'll tell them to fuck off!"
Eerin raised her eyebrows "you'd seriously tell the most important people in art to 'fuck off'"
Lister nodded eagerly, making Eerin laugh. She then felt a hand on her arm; turning round she smiled when she saw who it was,
"Sian!" she exclaimed excitedly, throwing her arms around her friend and pulling her into a hug,
Lister smiled at the girly reuninion and waited politely to be introduced, not that he really needed to be introduced,
When the hug stopped, Sian scrutinised his face, Lister could almost guess what was coming
'Don't I know you?' that was code for 'oh my God, you're in that band aren't you!'
"So, this is your boyfriend" she said before turning to Eerin "always been a lucky girl when it comes to fellas haven't you" she teased.
Eerin dismissed her friends statement with a small laugh "what about you…you've had half the male population after you"
Sian rolled her eyes "yeah, I got all the heart breakers, two timers, workaholics, skitzos and general morons…the only decent guys left out there are either married or gay!"
Eerin grinned and poked Sian in the ribs, "Oh come on! I know you, there's more to it than that..."
Sian froze for a second, "So tell me about your art show-"
"Tell me woman!" Eerin demanded, gaining herself a few looks from conservative art critics,
Sian blushed three shades of purple before fidgeting with her sleeve
"Well-"
"Yes..."
"I-"
"Yes..."
Lister groaned as he saw the conversation getting longer and longer, he and Eerin exchanged glances "Sian get to the point already!"
"Ihavetwoguysfightingovermeandidontknowwhattodo!"
Lister frowned, "Huh?"
Eerin turned to him, resting a hand on his forearm, "Don't worry babe, that was girl speak for 2 guys wanting 1 ass, in this case Sian's"
Lister frowned from confusion before nodding, "I understand... I think"
By this time Eerin had turned back to Sian, "So, who are they?"
"Um, remember Dan? And then there's Arn, he's -a little unorthodox but soooooooo sweet" Sian's lip trembled, "I don't know what to do. They're. Both. So. GORGEOUS."
Eerin pulled her friend into a sympathetic hug rubbing her back until the tears dispersed into hiccups. "Don't worry hun we'll figure summit out, promise…"
Lister shifted uncomfortably at the girly sign of affection. In under 5 minutes they'd gone from surprised, to happy, to sad, panicked, sad and now hopeful. Something he had to spend an entire 3 months in a recording studio to achieve.
Sian took a great gulp of air before bursting into a fresh set of tears, "AND I think my bum is spreading"
Eerin gave her a horrified look and hugged her quickly,
Lister finally decided to inject a comment into the conversation, "Ah well, men like a nice big arse. More cushin' for the pushin'!"
Sian gave a final whimper before looking at Lister "really?" she asked teary-eyed.
"Yeah" nodded Lister, hurriedly
Sian gave a pleased grin "good...I love my bottom now!" she sang
Lister nodded reassuringly before seeing an all to familiar head of curly unmanageable hair "Rimmer!"
The mass of curls swung round, to face Lister confusion written across his face before recognition and a replaced it
"Lister!"
Lister returned the smile, as Rimmer walked over. "Why didn't you tell me you were in town Rimsy?"
"Ah, i'm just here for the exhibition, i'm the times' new art critic" beamed Rimmer proudly, producing a shiny laminated pass labelled "PRESS"
There was a small cough from behind Lister, reminding him of Eerin's presence, "Hey, Rimmer this is my new girlfriend, Eerin."
Eerin's grin widened manically as he said "girlfriend" to shake hands with Rimmer who nodded politely, "-and this is her good friend Sian, um I just met her"
Lister laughed nervously as he introduced Sian, there was a few seconds penetrating silence before-
"Sian?"
"Arn?"
"Sian!"
"Arn!"
"Well that's cleared up name problems," muttered Lister to Eerin
"What are you doing here!" asked Rimmer, grinning from ear to ear.
"Looking at art, what are you doing here?"
"Looking at art."
"Well you cant-" said Sian, rather put out
"Why?"
"Because I am-"
Lister blinked, "Do you two know each other?" he asked, turning from one to the other.
Sian blushed, whilst Rimmer smirked, "We know each other very well."
Sian flushed angrily, "It was just one time!" she said rather embarrassed.
"-You see we had-"
"-I mean ONE time, its not that big a deal…"
"-Been working together for a while-" mused Rimmer happily
"-ONE TIME-" repeated Sian
"-And I asked her out-" he sighed
"Will you stop going on about it! It was one time! We didn't even do anything-"
"-And we had coffee-" Rimmer winked at Lister, earning a scowl off of Sian,
"You're impossible!"
Rimmer frowned "This is coming from you!"
"Yes"
"Hypocrite"
"I'm allowed!" said Sian smugly, crossing her arms
Rimmer snorted, "What makes you special?"
"I'm of the female species and therefore intellectually and emotionally
superior. THATS WHY!"
If looks could kill, Rimmer would now be 6ft under, but, as is the case Rimmer was very much alive and trying not to curl up in fear at Sian's penetrating glare.
Lister decided to make a last minute save on his friend's behalf. "I don't mean to be rude Sian but- is it that time of the month?"
"Hush" snapped Sian, making Lister recoil quickly
"That's a yes then" he said quietly.
Sian gave him a quick sneer before turning back to Rimmer "what is your problem?"
Rimmer laughed "my problem...I think the question here is what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem" smirked Sian
"I beg to differ!"
"Git" hissed Sian angrily
"Oh here we go," sighed Rimmer "no more back chat...so she cuts straight to the insults"
"You call that an insult" said Sian, with forced sweetness "try this one on for size then. Out of all the scum I've had the misfortune to meet in my time you have got to be, without doubt, the most arrogant, self centred, over opinionated, malicious, resentful, immoral, unscrupulous, detestable piece of moronic manhood not worthy of the title of 'human'" she paused "but by GOD I love you" she then clamped herself to a rather taken aback looking Rimmer, when they finally broke apart some five minutes later they were both breathless
"I'll just-," said Rimmer weakly, pointing to the other side of the room
Sian simply nodded and sorted out her hair.
Lister and Eerin stood open mouthed,
"What was that?" asked Lister finally.
"It looked like making out," giggled Eerin
"Making out? Us? I hate him, absolutely hate him and the way he makes me skin. Tingle when he strokes my arm...and those rough, calloused lips make me wanna jump into the nearest bed with fluffy pink handcuffs and whipped cream...mmmm... like I said I HATE him!"
