Lie To Me Chapter III

"Hey," she greeted hesitantly as she approached her boyfriend.

"What's up, babe?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?" she asked with the same hesitancy. He responded with an indifferent shrug and a nod to his buddies before breaking from his group of friends and following her only a few steps away.

"What?"

"Can you walk me home, or something…"

"Why?"

"Just cause…"

"This better be important," he warned. "Hey guys, I'll catch up with you later, alright?" He waved to his boys and finally started walking, except it wasn't in the direction of her house, it was more in the direction of his. She knew he was going to his house instead so she just followed quietly.

They ended up in his apartment and he pressed insensitively,

"So was this about some chick drama or did you just want to get some?"

"No… I'm pregnant."

"Is it mine?"

"Of course it's yours! You're my boyfriend!"

"That don't mean shit…"

"Yes it does."

"Alright, whatever. Why you bugging me about it? That's girl shit."

"I-" her voice caught in her throat, unable to deal with his complete lack of concern. "I don't know what to do. What do I do?"

"Take care of it," he answered shortly. She tried to decrypt his words and when that failed she attempted his body language, but still came up short.

"Baby," she said, grabbing his arm, "How?" The confusion and desperation was practically written on her forehead and yet he still didn't seem to care.

"Are you stupid or something?" he asked, his tone getting hostile. "Get rid of it." With that he pulled his arm away from her and walked over to his mirror. He pulled his shirt off and replaced it with a similar one. "Hey, I've got to do some shit. Why don't you go?"

"Yeah," she answered, feeling ashamed that she had bothered him about something so obvious.

Xander closed the gas cap tightly, listening to the quick clicks, and then closed the small gas door. He walked over to the driver's door and opened it, needing to grab his wallet off of his seat. As the door opened, Faith jumped out of her daze. She'd been intense to be around lately but after finding this newly called girl – one who, on at least some level, was thought to be Faith Junior, since she was from Boston and said to be just as troubled– hanging in her bathroom, she was shifting from one extreme to the other, almost too fast for Xander to keep up. She was doing one-eighties; she'd either be shut down and cold, not wanting to be touched or even talked to, and then she'd all of a sudden jump to being almost needy, wanting to be reassured and held. The problem wasn't the fact that Xander couldn't tell what mood she was currently in, it was the fact that Faith didn't like ever being ignored and she didn't like being comforted. Xander, one of these fucking decades, you have got to find yourself a normal chick to hang out with!

"You alright?" he asked, even though it was pretty clear that she wasn't. She had to clear her throat before she was even able to lie,

"I'm fine."

They drove for a while until Faith spoke, breaking the record breaking two hours of silence,

"We should stop for a little while." Xander nodded, even though he had just gotten into the driving zone where he was at maximum caffeine level and felt like he could drive forever. The way she said it and the short glance she gave him, he knew why she wanted to pull over.

They stopped in the back lot of an abandoned looking pizza parlor just off of the highway. Xander switched off the exterior lights to the truck and turned off the engine. He looked over at her as he heard the clicking of his own seatbelt being unfastened. He turned and took her face in his hands as he kissed her, running his lips against hers while somehow keeping up with her. He maneuvered himself around so he was now kneeling on the seat, facing her, where she was still sitting, waiting for him to climb on top of her.

He was cautious about his approach, aware of the mood she was in – well more like, unsure of it, which in this case, was the problem. She pulled on his hip, so he took the hint and put his hand on her hip to pull her onto the seat sideways. He pushed one of her legs between his as he leaned forward and encouraged her to lie back by putting his hand behind her head to keep her from hitting it on anything. She laid back, but Xander hated how now that he'd been with her so many times, he realized just how un-relaxed she always was. She was comfortable with sex, but at any point where there was even a moment of vulnerability in her mind, there was a huge tension.

As he kissed her, supporting his upper-body with one arm propped up by his hand near her head on the seat, he unbuckled his jeans with the other. Xander didn't consider himself a sex connoisseur, but car sex with Faith was always a simple, quick release that followed a fairly straightforward pattern. They kissed, she would lay down, he'd get his jeans off, he'd get her jeans off, and they'd get sweaty. Straightforward and uncomplicated, right? This was the one sexual situation with her that involved little or no thinking on his part, and he had to admit, sometimes that was really nice.

He got his jeans off and then reached down for hers. On a normal, uncomplicated day, she'd either push his hand away and do it herself because he was way too uncoordinated for her, or she'd at least move her hips to help him out. Today though, when he reached for the button, she shifted her hips about half of a centimeter, but in a direction that didn't make it helpful… His brain, which was not exactly located between his ears at a moment like this, tried to register what this meant, if it meant anything at all. His hand lingered at the button as he tried to think. She sped the thought process up for him as she turned her head to the side and stared uncomfortably at the floor of the truck. He pulled his hand away from her jeans as if they'd burned him. Everything about her body language was screaming for him to stop.

"What's the matter?" he asked, her subtly not lost on him, even if it had maybe gone unnoticed by her.

"Nothing… come on," she answered blankly. Her breath was short and jagged and she even rested her hand on her stomach to try and slow it down. Her body was speaking a different language than her voice. Xander decided to go with the signals instead of the words, and he pulled his jeans back up, despite how uncomfortable that was. "What the fuck?" she asked angrily. She looked at him, confused, as he sat up, but as she too sat partially back up, he noticed her confidence return, now that she wasn't being imposed on.

"You don't seem like you're in the mood," he answered understandingly.

"Of course I am," she answered, almost offended at the notion that she might for one second not be in the mood.

"It's fine," his voice soft and reassuring. She stared at him and he could tell that she was trying to calculate if he was sincere or just saying it. "You okay?" he asked, growing very concerned. She looked at him for another long moment, biting her lower lip as she continued to try and test his sincerity, and then reaching a decision (which one, he couldn't be sure) she climbed onto his lap, straddling him, and rubbed his shoulders as she continued to stare into his eyes.

She lowered her lips down to his and kissed him hungrily, before guiding his lips down to her neck and throat. She breathed heavily into his ear as he kissed her neck and held her breasts firmly in his hands. She lowered her own hands to the button of her jeans and undid it. She did it smoothly like anything else; Xander wouldn't have realized she had even done it except that it was followed by her turning her head rigidly to the side as she had done before.

He was kissing her neck, and would've continued but the tension she was feeling was radiating off of her. He felt it in her body, pressed up against him; felt it in her arms and hands that she had gripping his thighs right behind her own; felt it in her breasts as she tightened her back. Xander looked up at her and lowered his hands to her waist.

Faith realized he had stopped and turned her head back to face him, immediately pulling him back into a kiss, and then immediately pushing him back to her neck with encouraging moans. Xander kissed her, wanting to do something that would make her not feel this way… He didn't know what was wrong, but it ate away at his insides to know that she felt something bad inside of her. This was only a cover-up though… and he knew it.

As he kissed the soft skin on her neck ever so slowly and so hungrily, his mind flew at light's speed. Faith had always told him that what they did together, all of those nights and days and front seats, she always told him that it didn't mean anything. For a while they had kind of agreed to disagree. Xander knew that there was more to it than she would admit – he backed it up by defending sarcastically that, 'it's so unlikely that you'd repress your feelings, Faith'.

A meaningless fling is filled with giggling and flirting, not whimpers and bruises. For a long time, he was unsure. Faith was an intense person to be around, so therefore sex with her should be no different. Faith carried her baggage well hidden – for the most part – but she always carried it, so he figured it was normal for that baggage to be present during sex. But was that just with him? Xander finally found a logically good reason for personal sex tapes! He got excited – he could finally tell Willow since they'd had the ongoing argument for years… but it figured, he couldn't really tell her because it had to do with Faith. He wished he could know if she was the way she was with him, with all the other guys she was with. There wasn't really any way of him knowing…

Allowing himself to linger on the thought for way too long, Xander had to admit he began to feel quite jealous and possessive. He wasn't the jealous-possessive type! But the idea of anyone else touching her really irritated him.

Focus! He reprimanded himself.

He could usually tell that Faith was dealing with a lot of shit on those nights when she'd show up, fuck the hell out of him, and then be gone without a word. Those were the nights that really scared him. But she'd never been uncomfortable – un-relaxed, all of the time; the girl's a Slayer! – with sex. This was a whole heap of issues added to the already impressively large heap.

Xander lowered his hands to the waist of her jeans and saw the immediate negative response jump through her, despite how hard she was trying to mask it. He hated the fact that even though she was obviously uncomfortable, she didn't say a fucking word! That infuriated him. But he wasn't angry at her, he was angry at all the pieces of shit she'd been with. He grabbed both sides of her jeans and pulled them together and re-buttoned them.

She looked at him quickly, confused, and therefore immediately showing anger and frustration. He felt her begin to lift her leg to get off of him so he grabbed her thigh to hold her in place.

"I'm not your fucking make-out buddy," she spat caustically.

"Please," he said, leaning towards her, "I just want to kiss you."

"That's not all you fucking want – don't lie to me."

"Just for a couple of minutes… please," he asked, knowing all she wanted was him only wanting to kiss right now. She obviously didn't want him inside of her right now but inside, she needed him. Xander had found that there was an inverse relationship between the things Faith needed and the things she allowed herself to have.

Xander didn't wait for her to agree, he just waited for her to not protest. Holding her on both sides, his thumbs under her breast with his other four fingers wrapped around her back, he held her supportively as he kissed her. She leaned her back against the dashboard, finally submitting to her real inner urgings, and held his face as he kissed her.

A couple of minutes turned into about an hour, but even after that they didn't part. Faith, to his surprise, stayed on his lap and rested her head on top of his, gently stroking the side of his head as she teased his hair. He held her around her waist in a steady, strong hold. He knew if he started the gentle strokes she'd kick his ass. He wanted her to talk to him, but him starting the conversation was only a guarantee that he'd also end it with the same word. After another couple of minutes she finally spoke, keeping her tone joking and supposedly without deep meaning.

"You know, I've never kissed someone I didn't sleep with." Xander thought about that for a while and the only response he could muster was to hold her a little bit tighter. She was quiet for a few moments and then added in a more quiet tone, "Sometimes I think… maybe it would've been better if…" Xander wanted to look into her face as she spoke but he stayed quiet staring at her chest. He knew she wouldn't be able to be so honest if she were looking at him – it was easier for her to talk and be able to pretend there was no one else there. Still resting her head on his she continued, "Maybe this girl had the right idea…"

Xander wasn't sure what she was talking about at first, and then he realized by the lump she had to clear from her throat, that she was talking about the girl who had killed herself. He pulled her back by her arms so he could look at her and he was shocked to see her eyes filled with tears.

"I hate my life," she admitted. "I hate everything about it… it's all just… dirty. I hate it… it just hurts and…" she stopped as the tears began to run down her cheeks.

Feeling them running on her skin reminded her that she needed to stop. Feeling Xander touch her cheeks to wipe them away screamed at her that she needed to stop. She shook her head,

"I don't know why I'm saying all this shit to you." She pulled herself back to composure in an amazing second and a half. She wiped the tears away from her face roughly and again motioned to get off of him. He grabbed her thigh again and asked,

"Who else are you going to say it to?" She looked at him angrily and he added, "You know I didn't mean it like that."

"Fuck you."

"You don't talk to anybody else about this kind of stuff, Faith! You act like everything's fine… everything's just one funny story after another!"

"Back off," she warned, getting off of him.

"You're hurting right now… that's okay. You walked in and saw a young girl who had just killed herself. Faith, I don't care how fucking strong you are, that hurts. Faith, you're strong… I know you are, but if you've thought about doing that kind of a thing, you need to talk to somebody."

"I wouldn't do it," she answered, her voice detached and cold. "Seeing that girl… it's not seeing her that got to me. Seeing her is exactly why I wouldn't do it."

"I don't follow."

"You said I saw a girl that just killed herself." Xander wasn't sure what she was about to say but as her voice raised in volume with each word he saw the emotion creeping up from deep inside of her. "Xander, she'd been there for a fucking week! And no one even fucking cared!" Xander watched her struggle to maintain her composure, her face switching expressions, desperate to find anything that would help her hide what she was feeling.

She knew exactly who that girl was. She knew exactly how she was feeling and what she was thinking, because it was exactly who she had been. She knew what it felt like to want to take your own life to spite everyone else. But she didn't do it because she knew she wouldn't get that big funeral that was always in her dreams. The funeral where everyone who she'd ever known came and couldn't stop crying. All of them, even the faceless guys she'd been with, in her head during those dreams of her funeral, she remembered each and everyone of their faces. She remembered their voices and their expressions, and she pretended to know what they'd look like when they cried because they were sorry for not loving her and now that she was gone all they wanted was to have her back so they could tell her that. She almost killed herself because she thought she'd somehow get a front row seat and be able to see everyone crying, and that would make the price worth it. All she wanted to hear was someone cry over her, just once.

But she didn't do it because she knew she wouldn't get that big funeral that was always in her dreams. She knew she would be exactly where she was and she would rot before anyone even noticed she was gone.

Xander sat there like his lunges had been gouged out with his eye. He couldn't decide whether or not to speak or stay silent. He couldn't decide whether to breathe or allow himself to pass out. He couldn't decide whether to reach out to her or leave her alone. It was moments like this that jokes always worked best, he concluded.

"Buffy said that you kissed Angel. You didn't sleep with him though…"

"Like I said, I've never kissed anyone I didn't sleep with."

"You fucking slept with Angel?" Xander asked, more in shock than in disgust.

"Why do you got to bring shit like that up?" she asked, her tone just plain pissed off.

"So where is she?" Kennedy asked excitedly, expecting a new Slayer to be with them.

"Back so soon?" Giles asked with a smile. "So it went well?" Faith walked past both of them without a word as she stared straight ahead of her as she walked. "Faith…" Giles called again.

"We need to talk," Xander stated, quieting the now very chatty room.