I'm alone again. I'm staring out the window in the living room or whatever it is they call this room.

They went out for pizza again,

lately the invitations to come along have been getting fewer and farther between.

The only person who asks know is Beast Boy and sometimes I think its just because he feels sorry for me or guilty about something.

But he hasn't pulled any pranks on me for a long time In fact he hasn't been bugging me or trying to make me laugh anymore. I think he's givin up.

And I was suprised when I realized that I missed him I missed him alot.

No! I promised myself that I would'nt let anyone in, that I wouldn't let myself have any feelings of any kind for anyone.

And I have failed myself I have let some one in in the worst, or best way depending on how you look at it and what your situation is.

I am not in the position to look at it as a good thing though I would love to be able to I Have fallen in love with him he is in every thought that runs through my head and no matter how much meditating I do or what I do to try to get him out of my head it doesn't work.

I love him and I have to watch when he gets hurt fighting some deluded criminal that actually thinks he has a chance.

And I can't even comfort him or even bring myself to ask if he's okay.

Afraid that if I did I would lose it and my control would slip away from me and thats what I fear most that if I would lose control for even a moment that something horrible would happen something that I wouldn't be able to change.

So to keep him safe I have to act like I feel nothing about anything.

And now I'm afraid he thinks I hate him and its killing me but thats the way it has to be.

But What really hurts is that I think I'm losing him I think he's started to hate me.

And now with Tara in the picture I'm not needed anymore she can laugh at all his jokes out loud like I can't she can flurt with him with out breaking anything.

Because she doesn't lose control like I do because she's stronger than me.

I'm weak and I don't know why the Titans even want me around anymore.

Not that I blame him for hating me, I wouldn't want to waste my time on a cold hearted witch like me either.

But if he only knew that every time he cracks one of those stupid corny jokes I want to laugh so bad but I can't so I hold it in with every other emotion thats locked inside that will never come out if I can help it.

I don't blame them really. How could I, I push them away I turn on them when they get to close but they'll never know that its for there own good that I keep them out.

If they knew they would only try to help and that can't happen.

I cause him so much pain trying to keep him from getting hurt by what lurks inside behind this wall I have built.

It's a monster that can't get out and I'm its keeper and along with the monster my powers that some people would call a gift also comes a curse.

A lonely horrible painful curse.

My curse.

My life.

And I wonder is it all worth it, just to see his face and the way his eyes light up when he smiles.

Even if those smiles aren't directed at me any longer.

I don't now what to do anymore.