A/N: This is a short one shot story that I am writing in response to a bad review I got on my other story. In said review the person said that too many bad things were happening to Harry, so I am writing this to appease that problem. Also, this story is set to make fun of all of the fanfictions out there that have things that are so outstandingly extraordinary that it would never happen. I know that my story isn't all that good and I shouldn't be making fun of other stories but I felt that I had to. Just do yourself a favor and DO NOT READ THIS! I'll repeat that one more time. Whatever you do Don't read this. You will become so pissed off for my wasting your time that you will probably hunt me down and kill me so just DON'T READ THIS!!!!!! Also if I haven't made it clear enough this story is a joke and poorly written on purpose. If I get a few laughs out of you good, if you hate it and wished I would die...fine and dandy. Just don't get in all a huff and report me to Fanfiction.Net or anything like that.
"Harry it is time I train you in how to defeat Voldemort." said Dumbledore. "First I will train you in the art of wandless magic. Only a handful of wizards in the entire world can do this, so do not fret if you are unable to. Now the first thing you do is concentrate. All you have to do is will what you want to happen, and it will happen. Give it a try."
"Okay here goes." Harry replied skeptically.
"Holy hell Harry!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "You are levitating the entire Hogwarts castle! Wow! I think you have mastered wandless magic. And it only took you 4.4 seconds! Let's move on to Animagus training. There are only 21 registered Animagi in the world and it took each one of them about 3 years to fully complete it. What you have to do is drink this potion. It will tell you what animal you will become. Then you just have to concentrate on turning yourself into that animal."
Harry drank the potion and one gulp and then something amazing happened. The spectral in front of him scrolled through every single animal ever know to mankind and some that weren't. Even the animals that have been extinct for millions of years scrolled through.
"Wow Harry that is truly amazing let's start with something simple. Try turning into a owl. Now concentrate hard on what an owl looks like. Holy hell. You just turned into an owl and it only took you .4 seconds. That's amazing It's unheard of. Try some of the other animals."
The second animal that Harry turned into was an animal that he had always wished to see. A T-Rex. Suddenly, his animal instincts overcame him and he swallowed Dumbledore whole. Shocked by what he had done Harry felt tears coming out of his huge green eyes. But suddenly his eyes turned gold and he got a rumbling in his stomach. He had to go to the bathroom and he had to go now. So instead of turning into a human and going to an actual bathroom. Harry decided to go right there and then in T-Rex form.
With one huge push a pile of crap the size of a two storey building came out of Harry's butt. In that pile of crap was a perfectly preserved and still alive Albus Dumbledore.
"Wow! That was one trip that I never want to take again. If you do that again, I will be forced to eat your brains while your are still alive. Do you copy me?" Dumbledore said cleaning himself off.
Harry, who had reverted back to human form, took this as a joke and began laughing.
"You think I'm kidding? I'm not kidding. I will cut off the top of your skull with a dull hacksaw and eat your brain like it was a bowl of fruit loops. Don't tempt me I have done it before. What do you think happened to the DADA professor before Quirrel?" Dumbledore threatened.
Harry immediately shut up.
"You better shut up." Dumbledore said narrowing his eyes. Then as though nothing had happened, "Now let's move on to Elemental magic. There have only ever been 10 Elementals since the beginning of time. Each Elemental had control over one and only one element. Now drink this potion to see what element you will have control over."
Harry downed the potion in one large gulp.
"Holy hell! It seems you have control over all 4 elements, plus you have control over ice–which is just very cold water–Lightning, and Thunder."
"Isn't Thunder just the..."
"Shut up! No it isn't. Now each element should take a lifetime to become in complete control over, but I think you will mange all 7 of yours in just about 6.2 seconds. Ready, begin! 1....2....3.....4....5..Wow you did it in just 5. 6 seconds. Is there anything you can't do?"
Suddenly, Ron came running down from the castle. "Harry, hey Harry. How are you doing Harry? Huh Harry? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
"Shut up or I'll rip your head off!" Harry screamed in rage.
"What'd you say Harry?"
"I said, Do you want to play some Quidditch?"
"Sure maybe later. Ohhhh! Look! Chocolate!" Ron exclaimed, diving head first into the gigantic pile of dinosaur crap that Harry had left only minutes early. "Ahhhh! It's still all warm and moist. Just the way I like it." Ron said shoveling some into his mouth. "Mmmmmm! It's some of the best I've ever had. I think Fred and George gave it to me before!"
Harry just simply slapped his forehead.
"Hi Harry how are you doing?" Hermione asked.
"Hermione! Hey Hermione! Over here Hermione! Look at me Hermione! You want some chocolate Hermione! Hermione! Hey Hermione! Hey! Hey! Hey! Pay attention to me! Look at me! Look at me! You want some chocolate!"
"That's not chocolate Ron. That's T-Rex poop!" Hermione informed.
"How did you know?" Inquired Harry.
"I could tell from the smell. Also all T-Rex poop is that offset color of brown. I can also tell that this T-Rex has recently eaten a human with Silver hair, by the micro fibers within the feces."
"Oh!?!"
"Ron get out of that before you get a disease." Hermione scalded.
"Not until everyone pays attention to me. Hey Harry count how long I can hold my breath under the T-Rex poop. I bet I can be completely different than my brothers by doing this." Ron said before diving underneath the poop.
"So Hermione what do you want?" Harry asked.
"I came to tell you that it is dinner time."
"Oh alright let's go."
"Aren't we forgetting Ron?"
"No he'll find his way to dinner."
"Welcome everyone. I have an announcement to make. Harry Potter has shown skills beyond anybodies measure. So I have decided to make him the new DADA professor. Also he will be the Transfiguration, Potions, Charms, Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, Divination, Herbology, and Care of Magical Creatures professor for all years, even though he is only a sixth year student." Dumbledore announced.
"I too would like to make an announcement." Minister Fudge said from the end of the Head Table. "I suck as a Minister and will be dying in about 12 seconds, so before I die I would like to appoint Harry Potter as my replacement." After Fudge finished saying this he dropped dead.
"Hey everybody! Look at me!" Ron said walking into the Great Hall covered in dinosaur poop. "I just held my breath in dinosaur poop for 2 minutes. I'm different and better than my brothers!"
"Sorry Ron, but Fred and me held our breath in dinosaur poop for 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Looks like your still in our shadows." George pipped in from underneath Gryffindor's dinner table."
"NOOOOOOOO! I'M DIFFERENT!"
"Hey everybody my name is Daniel Radcliffe I just transferred here from...."
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Every single person in Hogwarts even the ghosts shouted pointing their wands at whoever just entered the Great Hall.
"Wow what just happened?" Ron asked.
"I don't know I just got the sudden urge to kill whoever that is." Hermione answered.
"Me too!" the rest of the Great Hall agreed.
"Hey everybody my name is Rupert Grint. I just...."
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" The school said in unison pointing their wands at the new person. He feel over dead on top of the first person.
"AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!" Ron shouted pointing his wand at the fallen redhead.
"I would like to make an announcement." Snape said standing up.
"Oh God not another announcement."
"I am pregnant with Harry's baby! We are in love and we are going to get married no matter what you say. That's right I am a man cross-dressing as a woman cross-dressing as a man cross-dressing as a woman cross-dressing as a man...add a few more cross-dressings on there and that's what I am. All I know is that I'm pregnant with Harry's baby. Also I just so happen to be his father." Snape announced.
"A likely story Snape, but everybody knows that I am the boy's father!" Bellatrix Lestrange said from the Great Hall doorway. "And I am in love with the boy."
"No your not I'm his father and I love him!" Voldemort said from the rafters.
"No I am!"
"No I am!"
"No I am!"
"No I am!"
"EVERYONE SHUT UP! Let's get a couple things straight. Yes my mother was a whore and had sex with every single person in existence. And it is likely that all of you could be my father, BUT none of you are. The truth is...I am my own father!" Harry told everyone his secret. "Yes that is right! I stole a time turner, went back in time and impregnated my own mother. I also happen to be my Grandfather and my Great-Grandfather. As for the person I love and who I am going to marry. Well that would be Dobby the House Elf. I am pregnant with his baby and we are going to live at my ancestral home, which happens to be the moon. Yes, that's right! My family owns the Moon. We bought it in the year 834A.D. and have lived there ever since."
With that said Dobby appeared. "I'm sorry Harry Potter but I don't love you anymore. The truth is that I love Draco Malfoy."
"Oh well. Neville, do you want to be my love slave and move to the moon with me?"
"Yeah sure. Sounds like fun."
"Okay grab hold of my hand and I will apparate us there. All though I have never apparated before I will learn how to do it right now and apparate us there right now. Good by cruel world."
With that Harry and Neville apparated to the moon to live happily ever after.
THE END
