Chapter Seventeen

Back In The Saddle Again?

The way life goes is this: you fear something, fear it so much that it takes over your life and you can't help but think about it day and night, night and day, until finally you either drive yourself insane from the sheer consumption of it, or you decide to conquer it. And finally, after you've conquered it, you find all of this spare time that used to be filled with being afraid, and you don't quite know what to do with yourself. And as for the thing that you feared so greatly in the first place: after you conquer it, you're not so sure why you feared it in the first place. And what is it exactly you do with it now? Do you embrace it? Act as if you were always on the same side? Or do you continuously acknowledge the issue between you and it and just try to carry on with life normally? Or does the conquered fear open up the opportunity to be afraid of something else, something completely new? Could this new fear takes the place of the old one, and then you don't have to worry about all the extra time you had on your hands, because now it's taken up by the new fear?

Oh, the complexities of adolescence.

Ever since Ron and Hermione had admitted to each other their feelings, things had been…well, awkward. Because they had both spent so long worrying about rejection and ruining a friendship, they were both equally relieved that they were finally able to move past it. Or were they? Because now Hermione couldn't help but wonder…what next?

She didn't know it, but Ron was wondering the same thing. They had confessed, yes. But nothing really seemed to be changing. Sure, they had been spending more time together, but he hadn't technically asked her out, and therefore he had a new something to fear: if he were to, would she say yes? Being as Ron is a boy, and boys are slow, silly little buggers, he had convinced himself that, although Hermione had admitted to liking him, feelings change everyday and it was therefore possible that Hermione no longer felt the same way. Of course, this meant that asking her out was a completely new obstacle for him, and this fear of ultimate rejection replaced his previous fear. He found himself thinking of nothing else, day and night, night and day, until he started driving himself mad and he was left to over-analyze everything. Like Hermione tutoring Daniel Thompson, for example. Sure, he was a Hufflepuff, or was he a Ravenclaw? Ron didn't know, and didn't really care to know either. He was trouble, he knew that much, and the fact that Hermione was actually going out of her way to help him with Potions annoyed him. Why hadn't she gone out of her way to help him with Potions? Well, besides the fact that it would be completely useless, as he wouldn't pay attention anyway.

Ron was sitting in the library, hiding as it were in the Dangerous Creatures and Reproduction aisle and pretending to look at books on hippogriffs and their mating patterns as he listened to Hermione and Daniel's daily Potions tutoring session.

"Okay, now, if we add two vampire teeth to the solution, what should happen?"

Hermione and Daniel were leaning over a table in the middle of the library, Daniel looking very seriously indeed at a piece of paper Hermione had designated a cauldron containing a dream-inducing potion, and at the moment Hermione was adding some imaginary ingredients. This idea seemed to confuse Daniel greatly, who must have been more of a hands-on, visual learner and not so good at hypothetical situations.

"Well, um, I think that…well, it says here that…well the desired result is that it…oh bloody hell, I give up! I can't do this, something about a piece of paper being a cauldron just messes me up," Daniel cried, throwing his arms up in a great huff. Hermione frowned. Over in the aisle, Ron rolled his eyes. Merlin, what a wuss.

"Okay, okay, just take a breath. Um…" she looked up at the clock—it was just past 6:30, meaning teachers were most likely finished cleaning up for the day and had abandoned their classrooms. She thought for a moment about asking permission to use the dungeons so that Daniel could actually attempt to make the potion; however, actually convincing Snape to allow them unsupervised access to what was practically his entire existence was more than doubtful. Hermione sighed heavily.

"All right Daniel, what if we meet again tomorrow and by then I'll have figured out a way for you to physically make the potion, all right?" she said wearily. Daniel smiled.

"You can really do that? You would go through all of that to help me? Wow…I appreciate that. A lot. Thank you," he said with a smile. She smiled back, a hint of red in her cheeks. Ron felt his head fall backwards disbelievingly. Could he be any more of a kiss-ass?

"You're welcome," she said, offering him her hand. He shook it happily, giving her a one-sided smile that didn't seem to fit well with his impeccably groomed demeanor. Either way, she smiled back gratefully. After he'd picked up his books and left, she sat back down and began her Charms reading. Even though it was a Thursday night and she didn't have any work due the next day, she had decided she may as well get the weekend reading over with so she could enjoy the weekend doing…oh, who was she kidding, she wouldn't be doing anything else but thinking ahead about what homework she would have due eventually. She sighed, opened her book, and settled in on charms of 17th century America.

Behind her, Ron held a few books in his hand casually (or what he thought was casually anyway) and strode over to a table on the other side of the library, approaching from behind. He set the books down, sat down in a chair facing her, and, without a word, began reading as though he were very interested in how male hippogriffs attracted their females with only a chicken bone and a handful (or beak-full, as it would be with a hippogriff) of feathers. Hermione glanced up quickly, not wanting him to see her seeing him, and felt a knot form in her stomach. Why wasn't he sitting with her? Had she done something wrong? And why the hell was he reading about the sexual habits of hippogriffs? She sat there, discontentedly staring at her book while internally formulating what could possibly be the cause of this odd separation. After a few moments of 'not' looking at Ron and rereading the same page in her book, it became painfully obvious to Hermione that there was only one explanation for all of this: he didn't like her any more.

"Hello Ron," came an annoyingly sweet voice from somewhere on Ron's left. Hermione tried not to look as Lavender approached him, setting her books next to his and pulling out the chair across from him. Hermione's heart sank. There it goes. There he goes. Gone. Gone, gone, gone. She watched as Lavender inquired about—what in the bloody hell was so interesting about damn hippogriffs having sex? Was she the only one who didn't find it devastatingly appealing? She slammed her book closed unconsciously and reached for another one. Pulling it open, she looked down at it, attempting to engage herself in something distracting, until she realized she couldn't read it. Confused, she flipped through the pages, looking at them as though she had just seen McGonagall prancing around in a clown outfit and shouted, "Pretty, pretty dancing!" Was she going absolutely mad? What, now she couldn't even read?

"You might try turning the book around. Or, at least, that's how I was taught to read, perhaps you've developed a new way that works better?"

Hermione snapped her head around, shocked and otherwise terrified that she had been caught in such an obviously stupid moment. She looked up and saw Ginny standing above her, grinning down at her wickedly as if she'd just poured honey in her hair and ripped holes in all of her clothing. (Of course, no one knew this, but she had fantasized about the idea before, but with someone else; she had come to love The Parent Trap a little too much in recent months.) Not knowing what else to do, Hermione shut the book and placed it on the other side of the table, disconnecting herself from the incident as much as possible.

"Oh, um, no, I was just…seeing what it was like reading backwards is all," Hermione claimed, calmly reopening her Charms book and returning to the page she'd been reading. Ginny sat down next to her and picked up the offending book Hermione had just put down.

"Hermione, why are you acting so strangely? It wouldn't have anything to do with my brother and that horrible wench he's talking to, would it?" she asked, flipping thorough the book backwards and finding it rather interesting. "You know Hermione, I think you may be on to something here…"

"No, I um…why, did you hear anything they were saying? I couldn't hear after a certain point, I think because I was too completely disturbed by my inability to comprehend words."

"Hermione…look, why don't you just do something about it instead of just sitting around and waiting? I mean, he might be amazing, but he's also Ron. Think about it. Ron. I suggest if you want to stop moping around and obsessing over this, you need to be the one to do something." Ginny continued glancing at the upside-down and backward words in a fascinated manner. Hermione eyed her quizzically.

"Ginny, what on earth are you—"

"Hermione, I apologize about what I said earlier—this is actually quite interesting, I think I can work out some sort of code here…"

Hermione rolled her eyes and smiled. "Sure Ginny, all right. You let me know how that goes."

The halls were chilly when Hermione headed out of the library for dinner two hours later, but she didn't mind; the cool air comforted her and made her feel like she was outside under the stars. As her feet carried her down the stairs, she heard feet pattering somewhere behind her. After deciding it wasn't just an echo, she stopped and waited for the feet to catch up with her. After a moment, a head of red hair popped out from around the corner. Looking up, he caught her eye and grinned.

"Hey, I thought I'd join you," he said, waiting for her to start walking to move his feet and follow her lead. Even if she'd wanted to, she wouldn't have been able to keep herself from smiling.

"Oh, well that's good. I feel like I haven't eaten all day, I'm starved." She looked down at their feet, which were stepping in sync, and noticed a marking on Ron's arm out of the corner or her eye.

"Hmm, interesting…" she said, picking up Ron's arm and examining it. There, in large, pink letters, read the words "We All Love Ronnie," with a heart dotting the 'i' and three more hearts around the sides. Hermione chuckled sickly.

"Well, it looks like someone's claimed you," she said jokingly. Ron laughed.

"Well at least someone did it," he said, equally jokingly. Hermione gave him a befuddled look, but quickly replaced it with laughter. Right…

All though dinner, Hermione pondered about what Ginny had said. Should she really go for it? It was probably really risky, for even though they'd both confessed their feelings for each other, it had been a few weeks and people, especially boys, she thought, go through frequent mood swings and don't like the same person for very long. Still, she couldn't help but think it may be worth it. It occupied her thoughts all though dinner, and it must have been obvious because Ron ended up flicking a pea at her without her seeing it coming.

"Ron, what the—oh thanks, that's sweet," she said, tossing the pea right back at him. Ron smiled charmingly.

"Anything for you, sweetheart. Are you all right? You seem…preoccupied," he said, becoming suddenly serious. Hermione sighed.

"Yeah, I'm all right. I'm just thinking about how I'm going to get Daniel downstairs to the dungeons tomorrow to practice making that potion, otherwise he'll never understand it and all of this will have been a waste," she said, playing with her fingers in her lap. Ron frowned; of any answer he'd expected her to give him, that certainly wasn't one he'd hoped for. Still, he tried his best to be supportive, even if he thought the kid was a pushover and a dork.

"Well, why don't you just tell Snape that you really need to use it and promise to have everything the way he left it, at least that way he won't be anxious about anything being ruined. Though being you, he probably hates you enough to suspect you'd sabotage everything shamelessly, promise or no promise," he said with a wry grin. Hermione chuckled, throwing him an offended glare.

"Aww, thanks Ron. Thanks a lot."

The two walked the distance to the common room in near silence, one or the other speaking up every so often to comment on dinner or one of the day's classes or the sky or anything else that seemed relative. The silence was comfortable, however, and neither felt obliged to fill it, rather they just felt there were some (random, little, and otherwise insignificant) things that were worth sharing. Ron was about to mention the comment on his arm and how it really was just a ridiculous gesture when Hermione cleared her throat importantly. Ron looked over at her, listening intently. Hermione's heart was racing, and Ron could tell she was nervous by the way she kept fiddling with her fingers. It made him smile. Hermione blinked several times before actually beginning her sentence, and when she did start speaking, her voice cracked a little.

"Ron, how would—ahem—how would you feel if I um…well, if I asked you out?" she said, immediately wishing she hadn't said anything at all. She didn't want to see his reaction, so she kept her eyes glued to the floor. There was a moment's silence, then…

"Good. … I would feel good."

Hermione looked up at him and saw he was smiling gratefully, which in turn made her smile, and now the next words to come from her lips were much easier indeed.

"Okay, then will you go out with me?"

"Yes, I will."

And they continued their walk in silence. Happy, elated silence. Hermione tried her best not to grin too much. She felt so incredibly relieved that she felt like she could do anything, anything at all, even go up to Snape, tell him it was fine that he hated her because she hated him just as much, and then take Ron's Quidditch broom and smash everything in the dungeons to bits. They reached the portrait hole, Ron said the password, and they climbed inside. Suddenly, Hermione found herself yawning uncontrollably. She turned to Ron to say good night and suddenly realized she faced a new demon: now what? She had asked him out, they were going out, but…did she kiss him goodnight? Or did she just act the way they'd always acted? Not that that didn't include a fair share of kisses…

But before she could say anything, Ron turned to her with a cautious grin. He took her hand in his gently and kissed her on the forehead.

"The answer is yes, but I still have to think about it."

Hermione grinned back, racking her brain for any sort of logical explanation for what he'd just said. What the hell did that mean?

"Oh, uh, okay, sure," she said, nodding understandingly. "Well, good night then."

"Good night, Hermione."

And a whole new rush of doubts and demons came flooding in. Now what?