Steven Hyde was winning a staring match with the TV once again when Fez burst through the basement door, his brown face flushed with excitement. Hyde tossed up whether Fez's entrance required any neck movement and decided against it. No need to risk shaking up unfamiliar muscles for what was probably another boob sighting.

"Guys, you will never guess who is in town!" Fez exclaimed.

"OH, the Coca-Cola Yo-Yo team!" Kelso guessed. "Finally, they grace us with their presence!"

"No, my friend. The news is not that big. It is the girl who was at one time the passion of all our hearts and the subject of our darkest dreams – Jackie!"

This got Hyde's attention. "Jackie's back? Did you see her? Where is she?" Too late, he realised he had actually betrayed something close to an emotion and tried to recover "Just so I know where not to be."

Fez and Kelso exchanged a look of pity for their friend's transparent ruse. Hyde was capable of so much better than that. The last few months of morose solitude was eroding his natural burning abilities.

"Well, I was hiding in Donna's closet," Fez began.

"Dude, what were you doing in her closet?"

"Hello, it's Saturday? Anyhow, I was just rubbing my face against her green plaid shirt when the phone rang and it was Jackie. I heard them making plans and Jackie is going over to Donna's for dinner tonight."

"Cool! Dinner at Donna's! This works out perfectly – I can catch up with my first love and scrounge a meal at the same time," Kelso said.

"Well, I'm not going," Hyde grumped. She could have at least called him and told him she was back instead of letting him hear it second-hand.

"No, you are not," Fez replied. "And neither are we."

"WHAT?" Kelso and Hyde said together.

"Her visit is a secret," Fez said mysteriously. "We are not supposed to know. I heard her and Donna make plans so she can come through the back door for their sleepover."

"A secret sleepover?" Kelso said with a leer. Girls sleepovers were hot enough but when it was a secret, who knew what crazy things went on – anyone with an oversexed imagination, that's who.

"This bites," Hyde said bitterly, starting to pace the room. "She swans off to her fancy Long Island mansion, never calls or writes and when she does come back, doesn't even want to see her oldest friends. Oh yes, Jackie Burkhart has certainly reverted to type!"

"She has phoned me," Fez volunteered.

"Yeah, and she wrote me some postcards," Kelso added. "There was this really cool one of a dog wearing a hat – she said it made her think of me."

"Didn't Eric say she had sent him a Yankees T-shirt?" Fez asked.

"Great," Hyde said, his anger building. "So I'm singled out for the cold shoulder. After all I've done to that girl."

"Don't you mean 'for that girl'?"

"That's what I said." Hyde sighed. "I guess you guys are joining me on the iceberg now, seeing as how she doesn't want to have dinner with you tonight."

"I don't want to be on the iceberg," Fez whined. "I have a weak chest."

"Then we have to show her that she is not going to get away with this," Hyde said, rallying the troops. "Kelso, can you borrow some surveillance equipment from the police station?"

"No, we're not allowed to borrow that stuff for personal use. Oh, wait," Kelso said, leaping up in inspiration "I could steal it and then put it back when they're not looking!"

"Yeah, that's what I said," Hyde replied. Really, it was like talking to a 3 year old.