Okay, here's the next instalment which is pretty angsty but its time for J & H to start dealing with their issues. J first.
Jackie followed the guard into the visiting area of the minimum security prison where her father was waiting. She resolutely pushed aside her disappointment at Steven's reaction, and concentrated on being the cheerful daughter her father expected to see – as always.
"Kitten," Robert Burkhart greeted her fondly.
"Daddy!" The father and daughter embraced and Jackie had a desire to never leave the safe circle of her father's arms. Yet she knew that the feeling of safety was as much an illusion as her old childish belief that her father was an all powerful being able to fix all problems with a wave of his check book. Now he was in prison for bribery and embezzlement of Council funds. She had never known quite how to reconcile her Superman-Santa-Claus image of her father with the defrauding criminal before her and the four months since she had last seen him had not provided any enlightenment to this dilemma.
So they spoke of things rather than issues – his plans to represent himself at his next appeal, the appalling prison food, her activities in New York. They were much better at talking about the things on the surface than the things beneath.
"Oh, Daddy, I forgot to say Happy Birthday," Jackie cried. "I bought you a box of those really expensive cigars you like when I was in New York but things happened last night and I had to leave them at Donna's house. I didn't want to come here empty-handed though so I stopped by our old house and got you this." Jackie handed over the present she had hastily pulled from her bedroom bookshelf with some trepidation. She could not help thinking he would find it a rather lame gift.
"Why, Jackie," Robert Burkhart said in wonder as he turned the pages and realised what he was looking at. "You're giving me your photo album?"
"I know it must seem a pretty cheap sort of gift," Jackie said in embarrassment, realising how low in monetary value the photo album was. "I will get the cigars to you when –" Her father cut her off.
"How can you call this a cheap gift? I can see the work you have put into this – all the glitter and little doodles that are just so you. And these photos," he flipped through the pages and saw his daughter grow from an adorable infant to a wide eyed child into a beautiful young woman "don't you know how these photos make me feel – so proud that at least there is one thing in my life that has turned out good and worthwhile."
Jackie felt tears spring to her eyes at this description of herself. She had no problem thinking of herself as beautiful and clever but she had never aspired to such adjectives as "good" and "worthwhile" – words which described an inner beauty. Then she saw her father frown and asked him what was wrong.
"I remember most of these early photos – your first six years – but I don't recognise a lot of the photos after that. I don't even recall what occasions they were taken for."
Jackie took a seat next to her father and guided him through the photos. "Well, this one was my first grade school play – see, I was Snow White – and here I am at 8 when I won the trophy for prettiest ballerina. Now this one my riding instructor took the first time I made a jump – that was my pony, Firefly, you remember her?" Robert shook his head in sad bewilderment as he realised all these facts were new to him.
"I wasn't there, was I?" he asked quietly. "I don't remember ever going to see one of your school plays, although you would tell me about them at dinner time. And the dance recitals – I think I made it to a couple of those but usually had to leave early. I'd forgotten about the pony – my secretary handled its purchase, I just wanted to make up to you for not being at the hospital when you had your tonsils out." Robert Burkhart looked his daughter in the eye and said gravely "Jackie, no gift I have ever given you is worth a tenth as much as this 'cheap' photo album." He pulled Jackie into a hug that spoke of a lifetime of regret. "I'm so sorry, baby."
In this moment Jackie felt the pain that she had lived with for so long begin to heal. She realised her father was neither a hero nor a villain but just a man, as flawed and imperfect as she knew herself to be, although she tried so hard to hide her imperfections from both him and herself. "It's alright," she choked, and felt the release of forgiveness. But she could not let things rest with that – she had to know. "But Daddy – why? If you loved me – "
"Always, Jackie!"
"- then how come you let me down so much? Why didn't you want to spend any time with me?" Jackie asked the questions that had tortured her all her life.
"Jackie, I did want to! Out in the world it seemed my life was like an express train and if I didn't get to all the scheduled stops on time things would fall apart and I would be a failure. I never had time to separate what was urgent from what was important but in here all I have is time to think and the memories that give me the most joy are all about you." Robert traced a finger over one of the few photos in the album where he featured in a picture – the 9 year old Jackie was seated in his lap, her face glowing with joy at being with her father. "I thought the most important thing in life was to make money. You see, your mother was much wealthier than I when we married and her mother made no secret of the fact that she didn't think I was good enough for Pam – a young law student from Wisconsin was no match for a New York Mansfield-Jones. So I had to prove I could buy my wife and daughter everything they deserved and that would show everyone how much I loved them. Well, you know your mother – how much you spend on her equals how much you love her in her mind. But you're not like that."
"I'm not?" queried Jackie. She thought guiltily how many of her friends would disagree with this character assessment.
"No. If you were you would not have felt so abandoned by your mother and I. You are so full of love, Jackie, and so hungry for it that it always made me scared how vulnerable it made you to others like that Kelso boy you dated." Robert Burkhart grimaced at a photo of Michael Kelso with his arms around a lovestruck Jackie and wished he had pressed a little harder against Kelso's windpipe that time he had surprised him in Jackie's bedroom – wearing a dress and make-up!
"Yes, Michael was not one of my better choices," Jackie admitted.
"I know I'm not really someone to look up to anymore, but there is some advice I want to give you, princess. Work out what is really important in your life, what will truly make you happy, and then make it a priority. I am where I am now because I made my priorities money, career, prestige and then family. If I had put my family first, I wouldn't have needed to work so hard to earn so much money to compensate for not being around, and your opinion of me would have mattered more than what the world thought of me."
Jackie turned to the last page of the photo album which showed four of her favourite photos of herself and Steven. As she absorbed her father's words, a warm certainty filled her body and joyful laughter bubbled from her.
"Oh, Daddy! Thank you so much – that is the most precious gift you have ever given me!"
