Red Forman considered himself an easy-going man. So long as the people around him understood the sanctity of a hard-working man's Sunday afternoon relaxation time, you would have walked a long way to find anyone more full of the milk of human kindness. Of course, as this kindly personality descended on him only at times when there were no 'dumbasses' around him (ie. everybody on the planet with the exception of his wife), it was rare for others to witness this phenomenon. It was, however, common as mud to sight the irritable-bear-poked-with-stick that he became when his solitude was intruded upon, such as when Hyde slouched down onto his living room couch. Red noted the boy's depression was so thick that even his angriest glare could not penetrate. He weighed up the inconvenience of removing himself from his comfortable pea soup chair and hiding out in his den against ignoring Hyde, and had just decided on the latter course when Hyde broke the most sacred Foreman Commandment – he actually reached for the frosty can of beer resting on Red's coffee table.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Red roared in disbelief.
Hyde jumped and looked at the beer in his hand and the angry father figure across from him, as if wondering what alternate reality he had been transported into.
"Sorry," he mumbled, replacing the beer.
"Oh crap! Are you going back into your sad bastard routine? She's been gone 4 months, boy. Suck it up and move on." Red shook his newspaper open and retreated behind it, to avoid any suggestion that his words were a conversational opening. But of course, Steven had to respond – Dumbass!
"She came back."
"The loud one is back? Hell, just when you think the number of hangers-on is going down, one of them comes back." Red sighed in resignation, realising if he was ever going to get any peace to himself, he had better talk to Steven – with as little sympathy and courtesy as possible, of course.
"Don't worry, she's going back tonight. You won't see Jackie around here again – ever."
"Did you talk to her? Tell her what a miserable sadsack you've been since she left?" Red asked.
"Yeah we talked. Right after we got finished with the fighting – and the kissing – and… other stuff, we talked. Then it turned out that all the things she made me believe last night were a crock because she's still going back to New York."
"Why?"
"She had reasons – half a dozen beauts. Whole lot of money, social position, career opportunity, her grandmother. Guess the scale on my side was pretty light stacked up against all those reasons," Steven said in his best couldn't-care-less way.
"Hmmm. Sounds like any person of logic and sense would choose New York over you. So why did Jackie?"
"Nice burn, Red. Got us both with that one."
"Seriously; that girl has always walked around with her head in some airy-fairy pink romance cloud. Always talking about "true love conquering all" and that kind of crap. Did those soulless New Yorkers knock the fairy dust out of her head?"
"Well actually," Hyde said in a sarcastically bright voice, "she's become both! Yes, the new and improved Jackie Burkhart, now sold with both the original bubble-headed romantic notions and hard-headed business sense."
"Meaning…" Red probed.
"She's going back to New York so she can earn the 5 million dollar carrot her Grandma is waving in front of her nose but she wants to take me with her! Thinks she can get me onto the plane as part of her hand luggage. Spouted some sugary crap about the most important thing is that we be together. God!"
"Whoa, her grandmother is offering her 5 million dollars to live with her? And you think she should have given that up for love of you? Son, I think you're the hopeless romantic in this case."
"Thanks, Red. Always rewarding to sit at your feet and partake of your wisdom." Hyde made a move to leave but Red Forman put out a restraining hand.
"Hold on, there." Red dug deep inside of himself and dredged up some humanity. "Sounds like your girlfriend did say one smart thing – that stuff about being together."
"Are you kidding me, man? That's a line right out of Mills and Boon," Hyde derided.
"Hey, romance novels aren't all crap, you know," Red said, thinking uncomfortably of his copy of "The Reluctant Wench" secreted inside his toolbox. "You know, I used to think as you did when I was a teenager. I met Kitty when I was 17 and the most important thing to me then was to not let her guess how much I really cared about her. Couldn't let her see what kind of a hold she had on me because I was the man and the man has to be cool. Oh yes, we said cool back then – you're generation does not have the patent on that word. But then I got drafted."
Hyde started casting furtive glances at the exit points of the living room, wondering if he could make a break for it before the war stories began.
"Korea was a real eye-opener, I can tell you that. Nothing like picking shrapnel out of your buddies with a teaspoon to make you take notice of what's important. Before I left for Korea, my plan was to get a high paying job, get myself the slickest corvette on the lot and then when I had myself all set up, I might think about settling down. And if Kitty got tired of waiting around for me, those were the breaks. But in the North Korean jungles that started to look like a really stupid plan. And I was kicking myself for not telling Kitty I loved her and wanted to marry her before I left America. But I sure let her know how I felt as soon as I got back."
"And now you have… all this," Hyde said, waving a hand at the 20 year old furniture and peeling wallpaper.
"What, you think I would have been happier with a better house or a better car? Sure, that would have been good," Red took a moment to grieve for the powder blue corvette he had sold last year "but not if it meant losing Kitty. Facing death, realising I might not get the chance to live a life with her, made me realise the most important thing in this life is to find someone to love who loves you back and then hang onto them as though a slant-eyed commie was trying to tear them away. All the other stuff – it's just stuff. You got obstacles, you find answers and make it work."
Hyde pushed himself up from the couch, his thoughts spinning from Red's advice. He did not know which was more disturbing – the things Red had said or the fact that he had just had discussed matters of the heart with the meanest ass-kicker in Point Place.
"OK, thanks Red. I would really like to leave now."
"Fine. I'll try to get along without you," Red replied, reverting to sarcastic mode.
As Steven left the house, Red murmured under his breath "Wait for it." Sure enough the kitchen door opened to reveal a teary-eyed Kitty.
"Oh Red" she sobbed, embracing him passionately.
"With luck," Red thought, "that pansy-assed spiel will be my ticket out of a week's worth of menopause drama."
