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It was 12:15. General Hospital wouldn't be on until 1:00 and Sylvia wouldn't be back until at least 12:45. She would order House's sandwich first, of course. It should be cold by the time she came back and that's the way he liked it. However, food and entertainment on the way, he was still bored for the time being. So he decided to take his leave of Cameron and he nonsensical, heart wrenching giggling, and go see if he could do anything to ruin Cuddy's day.
House paused in front of the two glass doors that displayed Dr. Lisa Cuddy's name and position. She was hunched over he desk, writing on forms, making notes on a legal pad and looking appropriately busy. Much too busy to notice House standing outside her transparent doors, mentally rubbing his hands together in devilish anticipation. With a quick glance at his watch to remind him of the time, he entered casually through the office doors. There he stood in front of her desk, hands clasped on the head of his cane, leaning on it and watching her amusedly as she continued her work, unaware of his presence.
As much fun as it was to stand before the oblivious Cuddy, especially with the easy view he had down her shirt enabled by her stooped over frame, he had a time limit and needed to commence with his business. "Didn't your mother ever tell you that sitting up will ruin your back?" Asked House sarcastically as Cuddy nearly jumped out of her seat. "Bend over, just a little bit more. If you do it often enough I'm sure you'll get plenty of help with your back…and with other things, too." Cuddy let out a sigh that was a mix of relief and irritation.
"Yeah, and you need to make that cane just a little more obvious." Snapped Cuddy. House almost smiled. "What are you doing here, I'm busy."
"I came to see if I could help you out with anything." Said House, followed by a thoughtful pause. "Did I say 'out with anything'? I definitely meant to say 'out of anything'. You know, like a shirt or your pretty stockings. Where did you get those, by the by?"
"Do I need to charge you with sexual harassment?" Asked Cuddy irritably.
"Would you like to be able to?" Asked House. A 'wink wink, nudge nudge' was held in the tone, but he restrained himself from actually performing the physical acts. Cuddy rolled her eyes and stood from her desk, files in hand, and made her way to the filing cabinet.
"As much as I'd like an excuse to sue you, House, I'd rather not have to go through the actual advances that would have to be made to do so." Cuddy turned around to look at House. "Why are you here?" House did smile.
"That's the question, isn't it? Why am I here…why are any of us here? What is the meaning of life?" My, my, he was having fun now. Cuddy glared at him.
"The meaning of life is no mystery compared to you." She said shortly. "Someone needs to write a book about how to get answers from insane men."
"I'm an open book." Exclaimed House as he shrugged. "What do you want to know?"
"I want to know why you are here." She pronounced every word, very clearly, very harshly. He was starting to get in deep, and if he didn't retreat soon he could be lost forever. The last thing he needed was more clinic hours. However…
"Hmm, actually, I can't tell you that." Said House. "I keep asking, but mom and dad won't tell me."
"House!" Yelled Cuddy.
"Where?" Screamed House as he craned his head around in mock surprise. "Please don't tell me poor Dorothy got caught in the cyclone again!" House suddenly gasped, covered his mouth in mock horror and looked at Cuddy. "What if the house falls on you, Lisa?" Cuddy couldn't take it any more.
"Out!" She yelled as she pointed towards the door.
"No way! We haven't done each others hair yet!" Cuddy grabbed a cane she had leaning against her desk and held it up threateningly at House. House pointed. "That's my cane!"
"If you want it back you're welcome to stay and see exactly where I'll put it." Said Cuddy as she advanced and jabbed forward with the cane like a fencer. House held up his own cane in defense and pushed Cuddy's weapon away before it hit him.
"I warn you, I've played this game before." Said House. "You'd be surprised how many cripples spend their time swatting at me with canes."
"I'd believe it." Said Cuddy. There was a pause then, both holding up canes protectively, staring each other down. Finally they both smiled at each other. Cuddy moved her cane forward until it touched House's chest and House lowered his cane. Cuddy pushed forward on her end, pushing House backwards towards the door. He didn't resist. Once they were both through the doors she lowered her cane, flipped it around so that the head of it was facing towards House, and she offered it to him. He accepted it, trying to think of just exactly what it was that he had done to make Cuddy confiscate it in the first place. House glanced at his watch. Cuddy looked at House.
"Time to go." Said House. Cuddy squinted, both amused and irritated. She knew exactly why he had to go. The thing that House knew but Cuddy would never tell him was that she had to go for the same reason. House's love of soap operas was amazingly addictive. Most the people who ever became associated with House ended up following the storylines as closely as he did. She had succumbed long, long ago. She nodded, House nodded and he turned to leave.
"We'll get together later and discuss that sexual harassment lawsuit." House yelled over his shoulder. "Let me know if you're ever interested!"
"In your dreams!" Shouted Cuddy.
"Every night." Responded House. Cuddy's breath caught in her chest as she blushed slightly, trying to find a response when there wasn't one. She simply stood, smiled, and lost gracefully. She'd win next time.
